It's not been easy, making this decision to be single-minded for Jesus. And it's been a week of up-and-downs... not to mention the fact that all around you, wherever you go, there are couples here and there.
Recently, I met two dear friends, who've gotten together. Was very surprised, because didn't expect the two of them be together, but also very happy for them. And very thankful too that they both sought God in prayer. :) As Proverbs 30:18-19 says,
"There are three things that are too amazing for me,
four that I do not understand:
the way of an eagle in the sky,
the way of a snake on a rock,
the way of a ship on the high seas,
and the way of a man with a maiden.
So, perhaps it's a fast of sorts for me. I've been learning to surrender more and more each day this area of my heart to Jesus - this desire for a mate. And just now, while on my way to get a drink, I started humming this old hymn to myself:
The more I get to know You,
the more I fall in love.
The more I sing Your praises,
the more I fall in love
With You my Jesus, my Jesus
I'm falling in love with You..
With You my Jesus, my Jesus
I'm falling in love again..
With You my Lord...
That hymn set me reflecting. Perhaps the way things are, they are because God really wants me to fall in love with Him completely. I think I've been hearing this soft, still whisper within me, asking me this question: "Yeu Ann, are you willing to be single your whole life... walking life's road alone as a single, but married [in spirit] to God Himself?"
That was such a soft whisper, I almost missed it. But I guess, thank God, this decision to be single for Him... it helped to open my spiritual ears to hear the Holy Spirit speaking to me.
And to be honest, I realised that ever since young, I'd never wanted to take a full look into the Valley of Singlehood.
And I'd been asking this question, "Lord, what if I don't marry? What will happen?" And my imagination conjured up a scary vision of lonely apartments and old age... you know, the works.
But yah, thank God, am learning to let go of this desire for a wife, and to focus my heart's desire completely on Jesus Christ Himself. It's tough... especially when my emotions and desires start jumping at me like wild animals every day.
The real problem of the Christian life comes where people do not usually look for it. It comes the very moment you wake up each morning. All your wishes and hopes for the day rush at you like wild animals. And the first job each morning consists simply in shoving them all back; in listening to that other Voice, taking that other point of view, letting that other larger, stronger, quieter life come flowing in. And so on, all day.
C. S. Lewis, 1900-1963
But I do want to follow my Lord Jesus completely with everything that's within me. I want to love Him with all of my heart.
"Delight yourself in the LORD, and He will give you the desires of your heart."
Yes, YA. You must learn to delight yourself in the Lord... He's really better than any sister =) Learn to love Him more and more... to think about Him more and more... to walk with Him more and more...
Yup yup. :)
I think I'm starting to miss my walks with Him. One of the sweetest memories of my life is the time I took a very long night walk in a thicket in the northern part of Singapore. It was very dark, and the streets were poorly lit. But that experience was so precious to me, because I had just started returning to God after a very long patch of spiritual dryness. And even though the woods were dark and deep... I told myself, "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me..." And I sensed God's presence so real and sweet that night.
I really miss that time. Perhaps I should go for another walk in the woods again, just Jesus and me. :)
MY HEART WILL TRUST
I'll walk closer now on the higher way
Through the darkest night will You hold my hand
Jesus guide my way
O You mourn with me and You dance with me
For my heart of hearts is bound to You
Though I walk through valleys low
I'll fear no evil
By the waters still my soul
My heart will trust in You
You counsel me and You comfort me
When I cannot see You light my path
My heart will trust in You
2 comments:
Hey Yeuann,
maybe you would like to look into how to attract people of the opposite gender. I really don't think God intended you to be single.
Very basically, girls fall for guys that they can grow emotionally dependent on, be it because of wealth, personality, etc. vYou have a very nice personality, just that you need to consciously (and I mean consciously) round out your character.
Just like guys like girls with certain characteristics, girls like guys with certain characteristics.
Can a person change his basic personality? No, I don't believe so. But can you develop your character? Definitely! You weren't the same person you were 8 years ago, similarly our character develops over time, just whether we choose to deliberately grow in certain aspects or no.
And you don't have to look at character development solely as a "thing" to woo girls with. I think the way we interact with people affects almost every aspect of our life!
Wish you all the best!
Anoynomous
Wow, Anon, thanks a lot. Really appreciate your feedback - it's very helpful to me. Really. :)
Actually, quite amazing. 'Cos I was talking with God after work, and I think something that struck me was that I need to grow in character. And then your comment appeared on my blog later. Wow. God is good indeed.
Anyway, just to clarify that I don't think God wants me to be celibate.
But rather, this period of singleness is meant to help me develop, work on and build up my character first - a fast of sorts, as I wrote... so that I stop thinking so much about BGR, and focus more on becoming the man that God wants me to be. So that's why I wrote about single-mindedness, not celibacy. I want to be the best husband I can be to my future wife, and also the best man that God made me to be.
Hee. Thanks for the well-wishes and encouragement, dear bro/sis... (It's very nice to hear that I have a very nice personality haha...). Do pray for me, 'cos a little prayer goes a long way! :)
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