Via Dolorosa: The Way of Sorrow

Lord, I still feel very scared, honestly. And very inadequate and insecure in so many, many ways. Maybe that's why You've poured so much into me, especially last year. Reflecting on it all, I think Your heart is to assure me that You are indeed choosing me for what You have called me to - the long, lonely road: the Via Dolorosa.

I guess... come to think of it... that is Your answer to my query: "Why did You give me so few talents? So few skills? So few abilities? So many handicaps?" To be honest, I was incredibly jealous and envious of some of my friends whom You have given so much, and I became very angry and bitter with You. I asked You why did You make me so lousy. Why You gave me so few talents. And especially my hearing-impairment and my introversion, which handicaps me so much and so many times. I told You that I don't like this at all.

Oh, one bro told me before that God doesn't make mistakes, and to ask Him that question is to question His wisdom (in short terms, diss Him). But I knew that You are not a petty God, but a patient God. So I asked You this question, because it is a very real question to me. I was encouraged by Job in the Bible, who threw You such raw questions that his 3 friends couldn't bear what was heard. But You defended Job to his friends' faces for his heart and integrity. And I so love You for Your patient kindness and compassion.

So, that is why I was so touched by brother Benny's (probably the only guitar player in the world to have an integrated bongo in his guitar) testimony at the Heidi Baker conference last Friday. He shared his testimony of his own pain, both physical and emotional, and how You saved and healed him, and so he wanted to share Your love with the whole world, literally.

Looking back, I think You are answering my question actually. =) It's true You have given me less than many other people in some key areas of my life. But... You poured so many things into my life the past few years, especially the prophecies and the friendships and the calling and the promises.

So I learnt something new from all these. You actually have given every child of Yours every spiritual blessing in Christ. Some may not have much social skills, others financial, others educational blessings, or physical beauty or intelligence... in fact, You yourself said so. That there will always be poor people. But You said that everyone who is Your child has access to every spiritual blessing in Christ.

Think that is Your answer to my question. And Your counter-question is: "What is it that you truly value, actually? The Giver or the gifts?"

AH. It seems that You value these spiritual blessings above whatever physical blessings You gave. Because the spiritual lasts forever, but physical blessings last only for this lifetime. Even that closest of human relationships, marriage, lasts only for a lifetime.

Lord, I think I will continue to struggle with this question still, for a long while yet. But I pray that out of this sorrow You'll use it as the soil for much future joy - both to me and to many others. Till then, help me be more broken, so that You can use me more. Amen.