I met up with Huaqiang over dinner before WFL today. Had intended to catch up with him... but God, in all his love, intended more to happen.

HQ asked me how I was in CG. Because he had heard about what I asked my CG to pray for me about two weeks ago. *pause* I don't feel very comfortable right now to share deeper, but to put in a nutshell... I'm still feeling down. After so long.

Yes. I'm not as healthy as I'd like others to see me. And I'm still feeling a lot of downness. Fear and failures. Discouragement and hopelessness. I'm not accepting any comments for this post, because I know what I ought to do. But right now I'm still not strong enough to read any comments or advice at the moment. :) Sorry about it haha, but it's times like these I'm just grateful I can talk to God and to certain people. Like Peter for e.g.

Hmm.

I shared with HQ that I'm feeling disappointed because of my lack of growth... as the man that God wants me to be... and to be honest, I'm very envious of brothers and sisters who are so much more mature than me. I envy, yes, I do...

And taking a look at myself... it's ironic. Pride again, rearing its horrible head. Pride that can't accept the fact that I sin.

And discontentment. Instead of growing in gratefulness to God for the little things in life... I have been so unappreciative of people who love me. Even though sometimes people show me love in ways I don't recognise, it does NOT mean that they don't love me.

And God knows that I have said things that hurt some friends very deeply - saying that I don't feel loved by them, despite the fact that they did all they could to show me how much they love me.

*pause* And I remember now. A brother last time wrote to me on a blog entry that he didn't feel loved by me even though he knew that I've been doing my best to love him... he just didn't feel close to me anyway. My heart broke when I read what he had written. And to be frank... I think our friendship didn't quite reach the same level that it had been before.

So I guess that's how others feel towards me when I am ungrateful to them.

*sober pause*

Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.
Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.

For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.

And to be honest, one very recent example was when a certain friend tried to help me man a camera... but I was angry with him. Told him rudely... "Don't interfere!" I was upset with him, because I felt very insecure, thinking that he was treating me like a kid.

Of course, he was upset. He had loving intentions, and he showed his love in this way.

And friends who were less close would have been extremely put-off by what I said, and it's likely the friendship would have cooled down a lot after the words I said. But he graciously, kindly and lovingly told this to me a few weeks later. And now... I think I'm starting to realise that this is a friendship that I've been taking for granted. There are very, very few friendships that can stand this kind of stress.

Bro, you know... I think I can't think of a more faithful kind of friend like you. :) You are truly one of the most faithful friends that God can give anyone. :) Thank God truly for your strength of character.

Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily.

5It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God's love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong].

6It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail.

7Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening].

And this passage describes you so well. You're the exact opposite of who I am. Thank you for believing in me, and encouraging me and exhorting me. I would not be ... even the person I am today, without your impact and influence on my life.

Thanks a lot dear bro. :)

So yah. I remember many years ago, I was telling Shirley about this problem... and she told me the same thing. At that time I didn't really want to listen... and now... hmm. I see the same pattern happening again. But thank God He helped me to see at last.

Ah. Have much to learn. There's a lot of dear friends who are so appreciative. I think I gotta learn more from them.

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But anyway. HQ reminded me to not to let myself dwell in negative thoughts again, for they aren't of God, but of Satan. Should I listen to the Father of all truth, or to the father of lies?

And 'tis so timely too... I met Ellson after WFL, and he showed me an article that he got in his email. This is part of the article:

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes." (6:10-11)

So often we are overcome with a feeling of powerlessness. Much of powerlessness -- not all -- comes from not using what God has provided. The command in verse 10 is "Be strong1 in the Lord and in his mighty2 power."3 Our problem is that we try to be strong in ourselves, and have not learned the secret of drawing our strength from God.

Paul was afflicted with some kind of disease, it appears from 2 Corinthians 12:7-10. What it was we do not know, though he called it "a thorn in my flesh" and recognized its source: "a messenger of Satan to torment me." Paul didn't sanctify his illness, even though God was using this evil thing, he asked for God to remove it. But God denied his request and instead told him, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." God used evil for good once again (Romans 8:28), so that Paul would remain humble and so that he would learn in his weakness to draw on God's strength. Paul learned to glory in it, "For when I am weak," he said, "then I am strong."

Deeply touched by HQ's and Ellson's prayers for me - both separately, yet they prayed the same prayer points for me.

God really loves me so much. Through these two dear brothers, these two great men of God. :)

And oh yes. When, after talking for so long, we were to go for the WFL lesson... I was still feeling too raw to go up for the lesson. So I told HQ I need to go somewhere else for a while, to think things over.

And HQ asked me, "Do you want me to accompany you?"

"Oh......... yes please."

And later on, God helped me see HQ through new eyes. Felt an increasing depth of appreciation for what he had done for me.

Perhaps God's starting another chapter in my heart's transformation. A heart of gratefulness.

I need to grow in gratefulness of heart. A grateful heart towards my parents. My friends. My colleagues. To God Himself. For all the things that He has given me. Love, life and liberty. Goodness, grace and greenery. Sweetness, songs and skies.

*pause*

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And to remember that I reap what I sow. For all the hurtful words that I've sown, I reap distrust and pain.

But Ellson added: "And when you sow good seed, you reap a good harvest."

I guess it's going to be a long journey ahead. Still... I have a relationship with God Himself and I should be eternally grateful to Him for that! :)

Finally, to end off here... HQ said that he too went through the same kind of thing. That really encouraged me. He grew because he humbled himself and listened to the advice of some people who spoke into his life.

*thoughtful*

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Thank God for Jon. :) He saw me milling around after WFL, and he came over. That was a very small thing, but I felt very, very touched. 'Cos it's a joy to know that your presence means something to someone else. :) So am learning, with God's help, to be more and more grateful for Jon's presence - not only as a sheep, but also as a friend and a bro in Christ. Haha... I know he's going to read this... well, here's a little passage to bless your heart bro! Philippians 1:3-8! :)

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Haha. Yup. Sorry about the raw emotions here. But pray and hope it encourages anyone else too who might be struggling with certain weaknesses, disappointments, sins, etc... God is with you too, just as He is with me! :)