:)
Thank God for the talk with Peter. Also for the book "Every Man, God's Man". About how a man's pride and/or fear can stop him from living by faith in God.
Points to ponder:
1. I must trust God to provide for all my needs, including the need for close relationships.
I was reflecting what is the real root issue... I think it's fear. If I start fearing that close relationships will never come to me unless I do my part, that people will never like me unless I behave very nicely to them, make thm laugh, smile, etc...
Then I begin to take matters into my own hands, lose faith in God's ability and grace to bless me with close relationships, be it with fellow Christians or my colleagues or even BGR. I start thinking of ways to please them, make them like me. But people can sense when I'm not being myself.
I think, for me, I respond in the same way a man in deep water fears drowning: he starts grabbing on to the people around him, even those who are trying to help him. I try too hard in building relationships. Of course one should water and fertilize the grass, but if you pull it to make it grow, you damage or even destroy it.
"Perfect loves drives out fear. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."
Yes, God's Word is so true. Amen.
*pause*
How to say... It was a time of enlightenment. It's, like, a fresh new dawn awoke in my heart this morning. It came last night after a time of prayer. Actually... it wasn't very much of a prayer. I just found it very hard to tell God what I was feeling, because there were so many things. So had no words. Just knelt there, with intense feelings that I don't know how to describe or express accurately. And to be honest, I didn't really feel God's presence very strongly. But I just knew He was there, listening, and He really understands how I feel, even when I don't have the words to describe it.
Yeah. That's why Pastor Jeff's sermon today was so meaningful.. it was on Psalm 25... (Matthew 6:8 - "your Father knows what you need, even before you ask Him.")
:)
As Peter told me, "Sometimes it's ok NOT to do anything."
Haha. I think I understand what he was talking about. There are times I have to do my part... and there are times I do NOT have to do my part, but just be still and trust God to do His part when I've done mine.
It's possible to do too much. Just like how Abraham rushed to have a baby with his wife's maid (his wife told him to do it - some ancient customs were quite the different you know...), instead of trusting God to give him a son through his wife herself.
So I must learn not to give in to my fears and start trusting God more. To make a decision to trust God more in faith.
I'm really very grateful to the Lord that He still has so much mercy on me. Because for all my fears and insecurities, He has blessed me with not one, but a few close and closer friends who actually initiate not only commitments, but covenants before God in prayer to be stronger and closer friends. And these are men and women who love God and desire to walk well with Him. God blesses me so much even though I clearly do not deserve any of these blessings. And he still gives me, even though at times I still become very clingy and insecure due to my fears.
Psalm 34:4-10
4 I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.
5 Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.
6 This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles.
7 The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him,
and he delivers them.
8 Taste and see that the LORD is good;
blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.
9 Fear the LORD, you his saints,
for those who fear him lack nothing.
10 The lions may grow weak and hungry,
but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.
Jesus is so good. He is so incredibly Good. Even in the darkest valley He is the Shepherd of my soul, and He shall my Comforter and my Encourager be. Even in the coldest, darkest night, He has, is, and always will be our Eternal Sunshine. He is the brightest star who outshines a trillion galaxies. He is the Light of the world, He is the Bright Morning Star, the Joy of the universe, of whom all the very stars sing with joy. Whoa, what a Friend we have in Jesus!
Hmm, actually, people have mentioned that to me before quite a few times. To be honest, I'm afraid to share this, because I fear that those who know that they have shared this to me before will judge me. But think will share this anyway 'cos there may be others who also struggle with this, so I hope this encourages you, that you too are not alone.
2. The nature of our fallenness.
As I was walking to church today, I was reflecting on how self-centred even my most sacrificial attempts to care, they can be indeed. I often try to care for people, but with a subtle expectation of reciprocity in the same degree...
And the irony is, all these attempts to care for people were in response to last time, when I was so bo-chup, engrossed in my own little world, doing my own things.
How true it is, what one writer wisely wrote:
"Even our deepest tears of repentance have to be washed clean in the blood of the Lamb."
3. The nature of struggles - in my discussion with Peter, something Peter pointed out to me is that different people have different struggles. Actually, it's an important discipleship/mentoring principle. What may not be a struggle to me may be a great titanic struggle to my sheep. And vice-versa.
For me, it's the struggle with being emotional. Though to him not being emo is not a problem - he is able to be objective in his thinking, the fact is, there are others who do not find it easy at all. These struggles are deep-seated struggles that will most likely take your entire life just to be able to stand up against, let alone overcome. So last time he used to scold me for being emotional, but now he just accepts it when I'm in an emo state, and just wait for the storm to clear. :) Thanks bro for your patient and understanding love with me.
4. That I've grown in recovering faster whenever I'm emotional.
It's just an assessment of myself... hopefully a sober one! :) 'cos I was REALLY REALLY emo when I was a baby Christian - and even worse before I became a Christian. But Jesus forgave me all my sins, and washed me clean. :)
But thank God so much that ten years down the road, the Spirit has borne in me the fruit of patience and gentleness and self-control more and more. It really has to be the work of God in me - no other way! (Especially faithfulness and kindness and goodness... which I'm pretty sure was never the old Yeu Ann. But that is all the more glory to Jesus alone!)
5. Find out what is the inner fire in a person, and use that to motivate and inspire him/her!
6. Boldly going where someone else has gone before. (Sorry Star Trek...)
As Peter was sharing with me his mentoring advice... I realised that what I'm sharing to Jonathan, Peter had previously told me before. I'm thankful to God indeed :) And now what Peter is sharing with me... it's from a new level, a new strength, a new knowledge that he is now sharing with me. "And the gift goes on." Spirit begets spirit. :)
Haha. I told Jon b4 once that discipleship is very simply, "Follow my example as I follow the example of Christ." The simple reason I'm his mentor is simply because I've been there before. The same struggles, disappointments, failures, stumbles, etc. Not because I'm necessarily better or wiser or stronger... on the contrary, it's simply because I've gone into the minefield first. :P Stepped on a lot of mines. No wonder I'm so lame. :P
A: Your mines?
B: No, I'm not yours.
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