Also had a little tiff with a very dear friend as well today. It was about a minor thing, but I felt hurt by what he/she said. But we shared how we felt about the incident, and thank God, it became more than just a matter of letting me know something... it was a good opportunity to understand the different viewpoints of a thinking person and a feeling person.
Ok. Maybe I should list out the incident in full details (and to be honest, it's uncomfortable for me to recount this, but hope those who know me better will suspend their judgement and just try to understand where I'm coming from).
And more than that - this pattern that you see in me is, I believe, common - to a greater or lesser degree - in 'feeling-based' people.
So if you are a rational thinking kind of person, I think what I share here may be helpful to you in connecting and giving feedback to your more emotional/feeling-based friends.
I have a bad habit - when I'm especially hungry, and if a closer friend is having his/her meal... I will start eyeing his/her food and eventually ask the other person whether I can have a bite of his/her food.
Yeah. I confess. It's not right. It's wrong. So forgive me and remind me whenever I lapse into this sin. It's a sin, 'cos I'm coveting my neighbour's food (the 10th Commandment).
So, this friend was concerned, wondering if I do this kind of thing in front of other people, like my colleagues. He/she told me, "Don't do that in front of other people... I'm ok with this but don't do it in front of others!"
I was shocked by his words.
(And wondered why I felt so shocked by what my friend said.)
And hurt.
(Why in the world did I feel hurt by what my friend had said?)
So discussed with this friend, and we shared how we saw the whole thing.
The reason I felt hurt by what my friend had said was because... in a way, it was because I did what I did in front of my friend, because he/she is closer to me.
A similar incident happened over MSN recently, when I was chatting with another friend. To express my excitement, and also because this friend is a closer friend, I decided to just let my emotions hang loose at that point, and type in ALL CAPS!!!
And my other friend said, "Uh... don't do that in front of others. You know what typing in caps mean?"
Was, to be honest, quite offended when my other friend typed that.
So introspecting, what was the reason that I felt hurt when these two friends, sincere though they were, said what they had said?
As my friend had exclaimed, "If you keep feeling hurt when I give you feedback, then how can I ever give you feedback?"
I replied, "No, it's not the feedback that hurts... what hurts is that I feel that you should have known me enough by now to know that I wouldn't do such a thing in front of my colleagues or people who don't know me that well!"
And in my mind, I was thinking: Why do you doubt me? Don't you know me, even after so long?
Oh man. That kinda sounds like what Jesus said to Philip during the Last Supper.
In other words, when I chose to do what I did in front of my close friend, I had an additional implicit layer of expectation that my close friend should have trusted me and at the least, understood why I did what I did.
I guess a lot of you are going to jump up here and say, "Now that is UNREALISTIC!"
Of course my implicit expectation IS unrealistic. I'm aware of that, friend, and I'm speaking from the viewpoint of a feeling-based person. And let's face it - feeling-based people can be unrealistic AND seemingly irrational at times. But there IS a reason to their "irrationality" - even though that reason may not always be sound or logical.
And personally, I believe it's important to know what that underlying reason is, especially when trying to correct or counsel an emotional person. Of course we shouldn't neglect to treat the symptoms too, but we must deal with the underlying mindset that is causing this symptom to appear first. "First wash the inside of the cup, and then the outside will be clean."
I observed this pattern also in another dear friend, S, who has a personality that is highly similar to mine - S was given feedback similar to what I had received, and S also felt hurt and misunderstood. So hee, think I'm not alone in this kind of feeling. And just to add, S is a more mature and wiser Christian than me, so it's not merely a matter of being 'spiritual' - feelings are a naturally very strong component of who we are.
But yeah, it's not that we don't appreciate this kind of correction. We do need it, and we really treasure the heart behind it. It's just that ... I think... the way to give us feeling-based people effective correction is not to say:
"Don't do this! or Don't do that!"
'Cos we do have underlying reasons for why we do this and that. But maybe it would help if you could tell us: "I'm worried... do you do this kind of thing in front of others?" Or, "Hey! I'm really uncomfortable with what you're doing..."
Such correction do come across to us as more relational and more reassuring, especially since the care and sincerity are so much more strongly communicated to us recipients.
Compare it to the imperious-sounding tone of the "Don't do this! Don't do that!" statement, which leaves us, at best, feeling exasperated, or at worst, becoming embittered.
Just a thought. Maybe that is why faith in God is pleasing to Him, and why doubting God is really offensive to Him.
Not faith or doubt regarding His existence, but for us Christians, faith in who He says He is.
I think there's this writer who says that it would be better to say that there is no God than to say that He exists, but to make Him out to be an unlovely, deformed God.
Better to say that He doesn't exist than to say He exists, but He's not perfect.
But even better to believe that He exists, and not just so, He is GOOD, even if everything else seems to say that He is not.
For that is really faith in who He is, His very character.
Because from my own personal experience, it really hurts me deeply when people doubt my abilities, or even worse, doubt my character. And that is even when they do have a sound basis for doubting!
How much more deeply then do our doubts hurts God, when we, His very own children, doubt His perfect goodness... even after He's already proven once for all His perfect love for us by sending His one and only Son down to die for us!
Psalm 78
18 They willfully put God to the test
by demanding the food they craved.
19 They spoke against God, saying,
"Can God spread a table in the desert?
20 When he struck the rock, water gushed out,
and streams flowed abundantly.
But can he also give us food?
Can he supply meat for his people?"
21 When the LORD heard them, he was very angry;
his fire broke out against Jacob,
and his wrath rose against Israel,
22 for they did not believe in God
or trust in his deliverance.
...
40 How often they rebelled against him in the desert
and grieved him in the wasteland!
41 Again and again they put God to the test;
they vexed the Holy One of Israel.
May we thus have a faith, a trust in God, like that of Job, who possibly made the greatest confession of faith in the very goodness of God:
Job 13:15a
Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him...
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