Dying to My Demandingness

Back from playing DOTA with the bros.

Reflecting on today... a lot of things this week actually.

We celebrated Jeannie's bday today as a CG. Blessed by her sharing, esp the one about how our lives are like rivers that go through various stages - from the mountain-tops of youth to the meandering deltas of senescence. :)

And Hopetots today.

Actually Hopetots was terrible for me at the start. I was very tired after having to complete some typing till 230 am the night before. And today the kids were on ultra-mode. So i really couldn't work up enough energy to be sanguine - thank God so much for Robert, who really is very natural at this. So I went off somewhere quiet to just catch a quick shut-eye and pray.

Hmm. There's more to this than just being tired. I snapped at two bros in class today actually. Then after leaving the classroom to take some time off, I reflected on what I had done. Then think God helped me take a sober look at what I had done, and more importantly, why I was acting emotional again.

When I'm very tired -> I become very emotional -> and thus become very demanding, demanding other people to be sensitive to my own needs. And this demanding spirit manifests itself in a very self-absorbed and self-pitying attitude.

Thank God. He helped me see how this is a pattern in my relationships with people, that stops others from drawing closer to me. And how this pattern has been manifesting itself in so many relationships over my whole life - saw many, many incidents where I started becoming very demanding and how this demandingness spoilt many friendships.

But now I see the truth, thank Jesus! "And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free."

And I'm especially grateful to God that there was this time that I chose NOT to let my demandingness rule, but to stop, pray and wait. And I saw how my friendship with this friend grew much deeper. I still have that upset letter that I didn't give to this friend after all. And I'm so glad I didn't.

Apologized to the first bro, and asked him how he felt. He confirmed what I had reflected... but very grateful for his acceptance and forgiveness. Thank God for his magnanimous heart indeed - this is something i really need to learn from him, with my pettiness and all that.

SMSed an apology to the other bro, but I'm not sure how he felt... hesitant actually to ask him, because I think he'll need some time actually.

Reflected on it, and felt very fearful, because was so worried what would these two friends think of me. But remembered that this kind of anxiety is worldly sorrow, not godly sorrow that leads to repentance and produces no regret. This is how i recognize whether my sorrow is worldly or godly.

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Then it struck me as I was walking back home. God had just tested me again to see how I would respond when I am tired and feeling very emotional.

And, I failed the test again.

But thanks be to God! I failed less badly this time. :)

So something I realised about how God tests me is that He really pops surprise tests. And He tests me so quietly that I have no idea that I'm being tested. THAT is the best kind of test - one that really reveals what is in my heart. Gee. Just like how He tested the Israelites in the dreadful desert till their faith and obedience were refined.

'Cos last wk, I had this feeling that God was going to pop a surprise test on me to see whether I'll pass the test of not falling into the sin of acting emotionally in the next 2 or 3 weeks. So the first wk, I was on watch.

Haha... my Daddy in heaven is much smarter than me - He waited till I forgot to watch, THEN He tested me when I was off my guard, so that He can help me see what is REALLY in my heart.

But now, yeah, reflecting, I see what kind of attitude I have in my heart... now I need to reflect what are the values that I actually carry in my heart that cause these attitudes to take root.

And this verse comes to mind: "For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and give His life as a ransom for many."

That is the verse I need to use to put my selfish demanding sinful nature to death. Every day. And with His help, I shall change to be the Yeu Ann that He wants me to be!