Still in a stall.

I guess I've been burnt-out for the past two weeks. Really thank God for Hong Teck, who understood what I meant, and he even encouraged me, telling me that he himself went through that experience before.

Then yesterday, he sent me and some other bros and sisters this email on how to avoid burnout. It was a repost of his blog post on getting out of burnout.

(No, my burnout isn't really caused by anything big... just a whole collection of small little disappointments that all add up. Proverbs 13:12. Hee. :))

I woke up today, with a glazed feeling, and stared at the empty skies. And the many hopes and dreams and fears leapt upon me like wild animals, tossing and tearing at me like foaming waves on an angry sea.

I think Jeremiah the prophet described this feeling so well:

I looked at the earth,
and it was formless and empty;
and at the heavens,
and their light was gone.

I looked at the mountains,
and they were quaking;
all the hills were swaying.

I looked, and there were no people;
every bird in the sky had flown away.

So I tossed and turned... and then prayed. And somehow hope came trickling back in, that this is not a lost cause. I guess I feel a lot of times that what I do doesn't make a difference, and even the good I do... is so contaminated by my own selfish desires and so on. And I worry whether He is pleased with my grubby works, splattered with so many imperfections and cracks.

Just as I am, without one plea,
But that Thy blood was shed for me,
And that Thou bidst me come to Thee,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, and waiting not
To rid my soul of one dark blot,
To Thee whose blood can cleanse each spot,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, though tossed about
With many a conflict, many a doubt,
Fightings and fears within, without,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, poor, wretched, blind;
Sight, riches, healing of the mind,
Yea, all I need in Thee to find,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, Thou wilt receive,
Wilt welcome, pardon, cleanse, relieve;
Because Thy promise I believe,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Haha. Amen. Oh, I just saw this picture:

A little girl stood sobbing, ashamedly facing her father with her ink-splattered portrait of him, weeping because she showed her friends her crumpled painting of her daddy, and they laughed at her scurrilously. But her father gently embraced her, and tenderly unfolded the tear-soaked portrait in front of her. And he carefully smoothed out the portrait in front of her, fingering each translucent tear blot for a moment as he gazed at her drawing.

And he whispered, "My dear, I love it. YOU drew it."

"Oh..." and she looked up at him, with tears brimming afresh. "You like it, Daddy? I drew it... because I wanted to show it to my friends, because I want them to know how wonderful you are. But... but... nobody likes it! It sucks! And I know it does! Because... it obviously sucks!"

"No, no, my dear. I can't think of a finer work of art than this. Even the best artist in the world cannot compare to you... because you are my very own child. Every blot, every splotch, every tear drop - they speak words of love for me that even the finest artist's strokes can never say. You love me, in all your imperfections, your failings and your struggles, and that, my darling, is sweeter to me than anything else in this whole wide world."

And he kissed her, took the ink-splotched painting, framed it and set it up in the centre of the living room.

Wah... very touched. :P Sigh. And John Donne expressed it even more forcefully:

BATTER my heart, three person'd God; for, you
As yet but knocke, breathe, shine, and seeke to mend;
That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow mee,'and bend
Your force, to breake, blowe, burn and make me new.
I, like an usurpt towne, to'another due,
Labour to'admit you, but Oh, to no end,
Reason your viceroy in mee, mee should defend,
But is captiv'd, and proves weake or untrue.
Yet dearely'I love you,'and would be loved faine,
But am betroth'd unto your enemie:
Divorce mee,'untie, or breake that knot againe;
Take mee to you, imprison mee, for I
Except you'enthrall mee, never shall be free,
Nor ever chast, except you ravish mee.

:) Sigh. I still feel low though, and ashamed of my inadequacies and failings. But it's ok, I'll seek the Lord and I know He will deliver me from all my fears.

Psalm 34:1-10:

1 I will extol the LORD at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips.

2 My soul will boast in the LORD;
let the afflicted hear and rejoice.

3 Glorify the LORD with me;
let us exalt his name together.

4 I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.

5 Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.

6 This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles.

7 The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him,
and he delivers them.

8 Taste and see that the LORD is good;
blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.

9 Fear the LORD, you his saints,
for those who fear him lack nothing.

10 The lions may grow weak and hungry,
but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.

Wow. For those who fear Him lack nothing. Even the most powerful creatures on earth may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing. God really is so good. And there is nothing in this world that can ever change His love. Amen, amen, and hallelujah! :')