Was feeling very sad again about an old, old sadness that I had for a long time, and I was praying to God about this again. Asked Him, "How long, God? How long?"
And just read His Word... not sure what He would want to tell me... am thinking... am I only listening to what I want to hear? Or what He wants to tell me?
I'm still quite confused again. But cannot lah... tml is the time I finally get to meet up with the children in HopeTots... excited! :) So I can't let Satan drag me down into depression and condemnation again. Use the Word of God to fend his flaming arrows of discouragement off! The shield of faith! The sword of the Spirit!
Memorise and meditate on His Word! Just like what Ps Dinah said today. I WILL keep His Word deeper and deeper in my heart! I am so much like the stupid soldier who has a beeeg machine gun with him, with tons and tons of ammo ready to use... but never bothers to even aim or fire his weapon... I memorise so many Bible verses... God has given me a good memory with words... but I'm not even using the verses that I remember so easily to actually THINK and reflect about it... to PRACTISE it...
Grrrr... I want to obey Jesus... I do... I love Him... I do... I really do love Jesus... and I'm not ashamed of Him...
My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?
Why are You so far away from me, so far from the words of my groaning?
Oh my God, I cry out by day, but You do not answer,
By night, and am not silent.
... In You our fathers put their trust;
they trusted and You delivered them.
They cried to You and were saved;
they trusted in You and were not disappointed.
Lord, You know me much better than I do. You know that I'm starting to feel burnt-out. You know that I've been serving very hard, and that I need rest.
You know me deeply, You know everything. You know when I'm happy, You know when I'm sad. You know when I'm going to make a fool of myself, You know when I'm going to bless You... You know, You know.
You know, and You act. You act, and You heal. You heal, and You cut. You cut, and You bind up. You are, You are!
You are faithful, You are true! You are everything I need, You are everything I love, You are! You are!
You are God, and I am not. You are holy, and I'm so unholy. But You are the one who make men holy... You are! You are...
You are the Shepherd of my soul, You are the Saviour of my life. You are the Beginning and the End, You are the First and the Last.
Lord... I worship You... I worship You... let me offer up this sacrifice anew...
Lord I come to You... in brokeness and weakness...
I come to You... to the One who makes the blind see and the deaf hear...
I come to You... for I'm lost, and I need You to guide me...
For I know that a broken and contrite heart You'll not turn away...
and a broken spirit You love...
And I'm going to worship You tonight... and I'm going to worship You tomorrow...
For the night will go, and the sun will come,
And the morning come, and the mourning go...
For You turn my mourning into dancing,
You turn my sorrow into joy!
Jesus! :)
*******
And I saw this article just now... isn't He wonderful... He answers my heart's longing and prayers... I want to be with Him, to seek His face... because this life of mine, is simply never big enough for HIM.
"Ye servants of the Lord, which by night stand in the house of the Lord. The Lord that made heaven and earth bless thee out of Zion" (Ps. 134:1, 3).
Strange time for adoration, you say, to stand in God's house by night, to worship in the depth of sorrow --it is indeed an arduous thing. Yes, and therein lies the blessing; it is the test of perfect faith.
If I would know the love of my friend I must see what it can do in the winter. So with the Divine love. It is easy for me to worship in the summer sunshine when the melodies of life are in the air and the fruits of life are on the tree.
But let the song of the bird cease and the fruit of the tree fall, and will my heart still go on to sing? Will I stand in God's house by night? Will I love Him in His own night? Will I watch with Him even one hour in His Gethsemane? Will I help to bear His cross up the dolorous way? Will I stand beside Him in His dying moments with Mary and the beloved disciple? Will I be able with Nicodemus to take up the dead Christ?
Then is my worship complete and my blessing glorious. My love has come to Him in His humiliation. My faith has found Him in His lowliness. My heart has recognized His majesty through His mean disguise, and I know at last that I desire not the gift but the Giver. When I can stand in His house by night I have accepted Him for Himself alone. --George Matheson
Renew in me a sweet spirit, Lord I pray... in Jesus' most precious name, amen!
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