Struggles, redux

I'm now at HQ with Eugene.

Just celebrated Bo's bday. =)

So many things going thru my mind again, but was very blessed by Eugene. Really so touched to see how God has been changing his spirit, his life... was affirming Eugene, and Eugene said it's really thank God... and he shared wif me that he really wants to grow.

Wow... i was so touched, that for a moment, i felt my eyes welling up wif tears - so great is His power to change and transform lives... really really thank God for Eugene's spirit - so sweet, and it's growing! :D

Told him that I really almost want to cry wif joy - such a joy to see the brothers growing in spirit, loving God and wanting to serve Him more...

I'm also v amazed at how my own heart is changing... didn't expect myself to feel like crying when i see someone breaking thru and growing... but it's so amazing, the depths of God's love that when you think of how He so loved us that He sent His one and only Son... how can you not shed tears? how can you not cry for joy?

But also was feeling depressed again... it's been like that for a few days, but really thank God for how He speaks to me and encourages me, whether it's thru bros/sisters, or the Bible, or an experience or an answered prayer... or even just a gentle breeze to let me know that I am loved by Him, in spite of my sinfulness...

I know I'm not what He wants me to be...
I caught myself comparing myself with others again, and honestly, felt very sad when i saw how others have so much more than me...

But realised that this is not pleasing in God's eyes... because that is pride, actually... pride compares, wanting to be first over the others, who have been made in the image of God.

I compare myself with others in terms of academic grades.
I compare myself with others in terms of spiritual maturity.
I compare myself with others in terms of productivity.
I compare myself with others in terms of what ministry/work roles that they are in.
I even compare myself with others in terms of how much they've achieved...

But these are old things that should have been put to death already a long time ago.

So that's why I was discouraged - haven't I already overcome these things before? Then how come I am struggling with these things again?

But think perhaps this is all right in God's eyes... there are some things that we fight, and we do overcome... and then they come back again in greater measure... we fight thru the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony... and overcome again...

It's all right to have on-going struggles, as long as we grow in how we handle the struggle...

Was reading this verse, and it made me think...

NIV version:
Philippians 1:29-30
"For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for him, since you are going through the same struggle you saw I had, and now hear that I still have."

The Message version:
"27-30Meanwhile, live in such a way that you are a credit to the Message of Christ. Let nothing in your conduct hang on whether I come or not. Your conduct must be the same whether I show up to see things for myself or hear of it from a distance. Stand united, singular in vision, contending for people's trust in the Message, the good news, not flinching or dodging in the slightest before the opposition. Your courage and unity will show them what they're up against: defeat for them, victory for you—and both because of God. There's far more to this life than trusting in Christ. There's also suffering for him. And the suffering is as much a gift as the trusting. You're involved in the same kind of struggle you saw me go through, on which you are now getting an updated report in this letter."

The Amplified version:
"For you have been granted [the privilege] for Christ's sake not only to believe in (adhere to, rely on, and trust in) Him, but also to suffer in His behalf. So you are engaged in the same conflict which you saw me [wage] and which you now hear to be mine [still]."

What struck me as I read this passage was the word, "struggle" which the Amplified version renders as "conflict". Suffering, or conflict, whether internal or external - we are fighting a won battle and we can't lose. It's not a winning battle - it's a WON battle - because Christ has already defeated Satan and his minions 2000 years ago when He rose from the dead.

So it's ok to struggle and still keep on struggling. But let's grow stronger even as we keep on fighting. As long as we fight a new fight each time.

Reading Paul's letter to the Philippians - it made me smile. :) Haha, think it's been quite a long while since I really smiled while reading a Bible passage. There are dreams, and there are visions. But no matter what, we must step out of our comfort zones - we do NOT need to be leaders in ministry or what... because Christ has chosen and called each and every one of us to "go and make DISCIPLES of all nations..."

It encourages me a lot.

As long as Christ's name is honored, and His Great News is preached to all the nations - that is what really counts.

How I need to be a stronger Christian. More courageous. More zealous. More filled-with-Christ's-love. More loyal, even when everyone around me say that He's just another religion, so why preach the Message?

I can't. Simply because there's no other way! Really, no matter how offensive this may sound, He really is the Way, the Truth and the Life, and no one can come to the Father except through Him! He himself said this, and He really rose from the dead - so I'm banking my entire life and destiny on what He has said. It's a no-lose investment, even if it does seem like sure-lose. Because... I believe. Because I have already tasted His reality for myself and seen it in so many others... I believe with all my heart. Even if I'm crap in the eyes of everyone else, He himself bends down to me and tells me that I am fully forgiven, worth dying for. And He calls me to follow Him today.

Yup... what do you think? Pls correct me if you think I'm wrong in this understanding or need better understanding... thanks a lot! :)