My Quarter-Life "Crisis"

Was thinking about a lot of things recently, and think it can be summed up in one sentence: Where do I go from here?

And something that God has been impressing on my heart VERY VERY strongly, so strongly, that it aches: I need to have faith in Him.

*******

1. So where do I go from here?
Recently, this week, I've been struggling with fears, both old and new... remember how I kept on sharing about making an impact for Christ in the area of media? Well, I've been struggling to believe that this will happen, one way or another - that God is going to use a joker like me to make an impact for Christ in the media industry... can barely imagine myself being able to bless a city like Singapore, let alone the world.

Then Peter's words come to mind: "That's why you need to share the vision. To impart and win people over."

Why do I doubt? Why do I find it hard to have faith in God?

Probably because I really lack skills, and I'm putting my trust in them. Grades even, I'm also lacking in... to be honest, I'm struggling in my project work - most of my project members in the year 4 modules are really very motivated "high-flyers" - you know, the types who go to NOC, Silicon Valley, entrepreneurs, etc... or are Dean's Lists types...

So was feeling really discouraged, because I'm struggling to understand the theories and concepts, and even staying on the same page as them. When I heard about us Christians needing to make an impact in our "sphere of influence", felt even more discouraged and helpless, because I was thinking about those in my sphere of influence... and to be honest, I feel that I've really not made much of a positive impact in a way...

Except, maybe for character, in the sense of humility - wanting to learn more from them, and being willing to receive advice and feedback - and in honesty. My lecturer was impressed with my honesty when it came to a miscalculation of marks in my favour, and she said she'd give me credit for it. :) Thank God so much...

And well, yes, one of my project group mates said I'm very eloquent in how I speak... wow, really ah? It was so encouraging, especially since she's not a Christian, so really thank God for this grace that He has given me. Really want the words of my mouth and the thoughts of my heart to be pleasing in His eyes... and to practise speaking louder and articulating my words better.

*******

Still, I do compare myself with the others, in terms of productivity... truth is, I'm simply not able to keep up, partly because of my own laziness, my own mindset towards work and my work attitudes...

Thank God for my dear shepherd, who helped point out this area to me, and also for Jitsy and Huanyan who have been role models for me in working efficiently and effectively... haha, Yufen also comes to my mind, though maybe less so, because I haven't really gotten to see her at work. But her CAP grades are really high (above 4.0 if I remember correctly), so I'm pretty sure she's been putting in a bit of work too, especially in the honours lab. ;) Hee hee...

To be honest, I give myself excuses for this attitude, because I think back to one of my dear friends (who is a role model for me in other areas of his life, but, in this particular aspect, he's weaker...) and say to myself, since he's like this in this area, I can also be like that, what...

But Jesus corrects me, telling me to follow this brother's example AS he follows the example of Christ. Like how Robert tells his sheep, "Follow what's good in me and reject what's bad!" Thank God for Robert, how he's so blatantly honest with himself, with his good points AND bad points. It's really so sweet, I think. :)

*******

So, looking back at this week, and what God has spoken to me... think something that He helped me make sense of this experience of deadlines EVERY day was that He is preparing me for the working world.

I've been feeling very, very spiritually dry and hungry - living on "starvation rations" of His daily bread - the Bible... imagine going one whole day on just one chapter of the Bible! Can lah... but it's really so ... like going for a whole day on just one hastily-slapped together cheese sandwich. Makes me feel very hungry, just thinking about it. Gastric of the soul, that's how it feels sometimes.

I was telling God during service yesterday that I'll spend more time with Him after my deadlines are over, but think He told me, "You won't have any more such free times in future. The deadlines will be coming EVERY day in the working world. Then how?"

So I realised that all this hard work that I'm going through this week is actually a simulation of the working world. Like how the apostle James put it so well:

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

So I realised that since I won't be getting any such breaks in the working world, I really need to institute a set of disciplines to ensure that I stay spiritually healthy. Sorta like how people make a commitment when they go into university after JC or NS to keep on exercising on their own, even tho there's no more PE teacher or Physical Training Instructors to push you... so likewise, I want to take care of my own spiritual life. (And definitely, physical exercise will actually have to be part of these spiritual disciplines... because we ARE creatures of dust after all - biochemical beings who get tired and mentally groggy if we don't take good care of our bodies - a temple of God in fact!)

So part of the spiritual disciplines I'm instituting (some are easier for me than others) are:

• Reading at least 3 chapters of the Bible every day - one for breakfast, one for lunch and one for dinner. Keep chewing on the Word of God! It really does have a very powerful effect on my mind and my emotions... somehow I find my thoughts untangled and set right when I read God's words...
• Praying in the Spirit and for others
  
• Taking time to be still and listen to God's voice
• Reflecting on my life, where it's going
  
• Sharing my faith - it really is very healthy, actually... it's not just preaching - it's more than that - it's sharing what God has done in my life
• Discipline of joy - actually, this is not easy for me, because I tend to be very negative and melancholic... that's the amazing thing that some people say I'm cheerful and joyful... yeah, this REALLY REALLY has to be Jesus in me, 'cos by nature I am not a joyful person... but what the hey, I've been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me!
• Reading a good Christian book regularly - once or twice a month. Because I found out that I connect best to God intellectually (as per John Ortberg's great book - "God is closer than you think")
• Fellowship - making the extra effort to fellowship - I remember Bowen calling me to "just talk rubbish"... was so touched by his wonderful heart! :D


• Fasting regularly - Peter shared this advice with me... I found it to be true! but i don't find it very easy, especially since I love to eat and eat...

*******

Well, that's really a lot I've written. How carthartic blogging can be. :) But i'll put the 2nd set of thots into the next post.