Was feeling terribly guilty about the things tt i felt i really failed God during today. So shared them with God, and i remember i kept telling Him, "I really don't know, I really don't know..." as in, "God, why did You let this be? Why am I so weak? Why can't I serve You better? Why can't I be a more effective servant?"
Really wanted some comfort at that point, and was waiting for His reply. No reply, but just recalled some Bible verses, and think He also wanted me to go take my bath first. (Just as well... I had just come back from playing basketball and was stinking to high heaven. I'm not joking...)
So went off, and then since I had to go to the loo, I decided to take a book by John Ortberg to read. Read it, and wow, really thank God, realised He was answering my prayer for a word from Him. Read this chapter on "Appropriate Smallness: The Practice of Servanthood", and realised tt He was pointing out a LOT of things to me that I had done today, through the points that Ortberg was writing about in that book.
From his book:
Humility, if ever we could grow into it, would not be a burden. It would be an immense gift. Humility is the freedom to stop trying to be what we're not, or pretending to be what we're not, and accepting our "appropriate smallness." In Luther's words, humility is the decision to "let God be God."
And read this part from a story about the 2 founders of Alcoholic Anonymous:
Bill W knew that it was not because he was strong and Dr. Bob was weak that he was able to help Dr. Bob. Bill W could help because he was weak, and in helping, he received strength...
Like Bill W, we have to realize that we are not Superpeople or messiahs. We must embrace limitations. That is whence strength comes. God is not chewing his fingernails over whether or not we can save alcoholics.
We must minister out of weakness. The reason we help others is not because we are strong and they need us; it is because if we don't help them, we will end up a hopeless relic.
Wow... found this very meaningful. Think this helped me gain a new perspective, personally, on why I share my testimonies... because I know that if I don't, i WILL forget what God has done for me, and become very melancholic and negative. I share, not because I'm better, but rather, because I'm weak and I need to share to myself too the very testimony that I'm sharing with the rest of you.
Some key things thus learnt from this experience:
1. I realised some "trigger points" for my feelings of guilt - among them are the lack of approval from others (perceived or real).
2. Realised tt I was falling into the same trap again, trying to live up to my own standards of goodness instead of pursuing Christ's standards (which is way, way up high in the sky).
3. Realised my pride, and unwilling response to God when He wants to help me see my sins, faults and mistakes to me. Realised that my response isn't a sweet spirit that really thanks Him for pointing out to me, but rather a grouchy spirit that says, I'll repent if You stop pointing out to me this area of my life.
4. Reminded again that God is super-patient with me, and that very, very rarely does He shout at me, but rather, His Spirit when He speaks to me is VERY patient and gentle. I was expecting Him to scold me very harshly or sharply... (yeah, He can do that too), but instead, He chose to speak very gently and encouragingly through that book i read.
Wow... I really have A LOT to learn from His Spirit... He is "slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness..." So much different as compared to the way i very often speak to others...
5. Reminded again that God can answer my prayers in other ways besides the one that I was expecting. =) God is wise!
6. Books are like friends: Reading a good book is like being with a good friend. =) Thought about it - it makes a lot of sense. Logical conclusion: Be aware of the company of books that I read... if I hang out with sad books, I'll become a sad person... if I hang out with wise books, I'll become a wise person...
And if I hang out with textbooks, I'll become a very boring person! >=D
Wow... God is so so so good...
"How deep the Father's love,
How vast beyond all measure!
How great the pain of searing loss
As the Father turns to hide His face
As wounds which mars the Chosen One
Bring many sons to glory..."
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