Convictions

Think my personal conviction abt not using pirated software is being tested... 'cos was thinking of using a pirated copy of Win XP to reinstall on my sister's computer, and quite worried abt how to get a copy of Microsoft Office 'cos my sis may not adapt well to using OpenOffice.

The crunch: *Do I REALLY believe that Jesus wants me NOT to use pirated software?* and do I trust in Him to provide for me the software that me and my sis and dad'll need?

I think this is a real test to see if my conviction is genuine...

I've made the decision - I won't use pirated software, by the grace of God, because the Bible says "Do not steal." And I'm trusting in Him to provide for my needs, one way or another.

Think this is how convictions are formed. At first you just accept it as true... it's just an agreement, not a belief.

Then the crunch comes and the assent that you made is challenged, and you wonder, is it worth it? Is this really worth the trouble to stick to this agreement? And is this issue even worth bothering about?

And the crossroads - which choice shall i make? To stay firm on this agreement, which will make it a true belief - with all its consequences, or to throw aside the agreement, which means that i reject it as true... I realised that even with a simple decision like this, there's no turning back once the decision is made. Either this agreement becomes a belief or it becomes a belief that using pirated software is NOT wrong.

Somehow sensed God's assurance on me when I made this decision to stand firm for Him, the assurance that I've done the right thing and He is pleased with me. I remembered what Sijia said during CG last night, that the Kingdom of God extends to ALL areas of our lives. And that includes pirated software. :)

Really thank God for this invaluable lesson - a "lab demo session" on developing convictions. This has helped me see how a conviction can be formed:
a mere agreement -> a shaky belief -> a steadfast conviction.

And at each ->, there's at least one decision to be made.

Hey! I just realised, this is really wonderful, because recently, I've been praying to God to ask Him to help me grow in conviction for His Word in all aspects of my life, to obey His Word more and more. And think God is answering this prayer by helping me through this reflection just now, the one about choosing whether to use or not to use.

Surely we serve a great Teacher! :D

The stars that shine

[The LORD] took [Abram] outside and said, "Look up at the heavens and count the stars—if indeed you can count them." Then he said to him, "So shall your offspring be."

Genesis 15:5

Was sitting outside HQ thinking of God's faithfulness in my life. Then remembered the verse above and looked up at the sky. But saw only clouds and darkness.

Then this thought came to me:

The stars are there, even if we cannot see them.

I'm a Kurt Halsey fan now... =)

Recently went to this website from Yufen's blog: http://www.kurthalsey.com

Really like the designs - there's a very melancholic tune to his artwork - yet at the same time, a whimsical hope and dreaminess to his designs. :)

There's even a fan site for his designs: Kurt Halsey's Fandom

The majority of the fans seems to be girls, though. :P Not surprising when you see his designs...

What says you?

Ubuntu, Ubuntu, how do you do? Not very well, thank you - there's only FAT32...

Haha... I like this title... ;)

'Cos I was installing Ubuntu, a desktop edition of the Linux operating system yesterday - with a LOT of help from Weizhu...

Haha... he converted me to Ubuntu... after seeing Windows XP go through 3 Moores Laws' cycles... yah, WZ, XP really is history. ;) LOL

Anyway, "nuked" (i.e. reformatted, but "reformatted" sounds so boring leh...) my hard-disk finally... it felt fantastic at first, to have an opportunity to start afresh...

But in less than an hour, spyware and worms gate-crashed my defenceless laptop and merrily installed themselves onto my harddisk.

*sigh* 8 worms. :P 180degree Search Assistant. Etc, etc...

And oh yeah, seems like there's a little Sasser-type worm floating around... for helpless hosts like me. :P

<geek>
(To the tune of "3 Little Pigs")
Big Bad Worm: "Lsass.exe, Lsass.exe, let me in."
Lsass.exe: "Oh no no, not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin!"
Big Bad Worm: "Then I'll hack, and I'll crack, and I'll flow your buffer down!"

You get the idea...
</geek>

The Stolen Sacrifice, the Frustrated Monkey and the Happy Wife

Met Weizhu over lunch yesterday. What he told me was so inspiring, that I want to pen it down as a way to remind myself and share with you guys. :)

In case you haven't heard yet, he got rid of all his pirated stuff.

When he shared this news with me, I was so amazed. A lot of thoughts went through my mind, but the one that stood out was that this brother really has a lot of conviction. So I decided to follow his example, took out my laptop, and started deleting my own pirated stuff.

As he sat there watching, I remarked to him, "Hey... it occurred to me - I'll need some of the software for my design ministry..."

He said,

"Imagine you're a poor farmer in the Old Testament. You want to make a sacrifice to God. But all your cows are scrawny and sick. Then you look over your neighbour's fence and see... yes! a healthy-looking cow! So you steal your neighbour's cow and make your offering. Would God be happy with that?"

I looked at him and smiled.

He went on, "Actually, I was also worried about that. But God will provide for our needs..."

I exclaimed, "Oh! I see... even more when it's for ministry!"

"Yes! You got it."

I thought a while about what he had said, and envied his heart and conviction for God. So I felt very sad, discouraged and angry with myself because I felt that I didn't have his level of passion and joy. So I mentioned that to him.

He replied, "Actually, the problem is not that you hate sin, but rather, you hate the fact that you sin. Can you see the difference?"

The light started turning on in my head.

"You set your own standards, and when you can't meet up to your own standards, you feel angry with yourself. That's pride."

I nodded in agreement. Because that's what a legalist does - he/she sets up his own standards, and if he can meet his own standards, he starts thinking of himself as having pleased God, and therefore being very spiritual.

So he gave me this analogy:

"It's like a monkey climbing a tree. You are the monkey, and the tree represents righteousness. As we grow in our walk with God, we climb up, say 5 metres, and slip 4 metres. But we keep climbing and climbing...

Now what if the monkey climbs 5 metres and drops one metre? He starts focusing on the one metre he drops, and he's very frustrated about it. As a result of being so frustrated, he drops another 2 or 3 metres further. So don't waste all your energy that you spend in being angry and discouraged at your drop. Rather, focus on doing the positive things instead."

I thought about that for another while. Actually, I was still very confused about the difference between legalism and obedience. After all, isn't it important to obey God even when we don't feel like it? Besides, Jesus had prayed to the Father, "Not my will, but Yours be done."

So told him about this. He paused for a while, and then said,

"I think you're seeing it in this way:

if (do the right thing == true)
then God_will_be_pleased;

Say you bought flowers for your wife. You know that it'll make her happy. Even if you weren't around to see her smile when you left the flowers for her on the table before you went off to work, you'd know that she'll definitely be happy.

It's not if (i buy flowers for my wife) then (she will be happy).

rather, it's: Knowing(God_will_be_pleased) -> I_do_the_right_thing.

It's not, if I do the right thing, then God will be pleased. Actually, God IS pleased when we do something that is right."

I was puzzled. Then I thought about what he said about the happy wife... I imagined myself as the husband who buys flowers for his wife... not because he has to, but because he knows that his wife simply loves it, her eyes sparkling with delight, as she sees the flowers. He knows her heart, even if he can't see her smile.

Maybe you'll find it a bit hard to understand... think it's like that in any romantic relationship, where you buy gifts and flowers for your sweetheart, not because you're supposed to, but because just seeing him/her so happy simply makes your own heart jump for joy. You're happy BECAUSE he/she is happy.

************

Later that day, I went up to one of the roof-tops in Engineering Block E5. Was still quite confused, with all those things that WZ had told me swimming around in my head. So prayed, and then prayed some more. Then somehow, I'm not sure how, I think God helped me put 2 and 2 together, until I understood what WZ had told me.

It's quite hard to describe this understanding, I guess - kinda like doing long division... you've been struggling with it for a while, until it just falls into place, and the light comes to your eyes.

Personally, this renewed understanding about making God happy has helped me understand in a newer light Jesus' thirst to glorify and obey His Father... especially His statements to describe His relationship with the Father, such as: "I always do what pleases Him," and "but the world must learn that I love the Father and that I do exactly what my Father has commanded me."

And that He IS sad when I choose to disobey Him...

From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him. "You do not want to leave too, do you?" Jesus asked the Twelve. (John 6:66-67)

Surely... it's all about Jesus' heart, and not me. At the moment I'm writing this blog entry, I'm thinking of Him looking over my shoulder and looking at what I type. To be honest, I think He's not exactly super-delighted at the moment - this blog entry was written for my own personal reflection, not for His glory really. But I know He is patient with me, wanting me to grow in obedience to Him, because it makes Him smile when I do something good - "something that's of worth / that will bless Your heart..."

Think just want to encourage whoever's reading this (and congrats for making it this far!) with this promise from Hebrews 13:16:
"And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased."

bLeSSeD BirThDay Peter! :D

Just celebrated my shepherd's bday. Really thank God for a dear shepherd and friend like him. :D

And you thought your PC was hot...

Cultural eye-opener

Now in LT9 for this Visual Ethnography module...

Very interesting, this module. My lecturer's a blond-haired woman, with a unique accent that borders on the near-unintelligible (or maybe I just don't understand what's she talking about haha). =)

She's lecturing now about this Iranian film made by an all-women crew. It argues "women need to do sociology from their own point of view, and starting from own bodily experience and tacit knowledge." Title is provocative: "Divorce Iranian style."

Thank God for this module, 'cos it's been quite an eye-opener, watching ethnographic films of people. And learning how the film-makers try to express the 'feel' of a culture through various filming techniques - e.g. angle of camera, closeness of distance, facial shots versus long-distance...

Think this is something that I'd love to do in future... maybe if I get to serve in a multimedia ministry next time... =) You know, this joy of trying to express a culture (need not necessarily be a remote tribe in Africa - can be your own caregroup: it has its own unique sub-culture within a sub-culture (my church) within a distinct culture (Christianity)).

Technical details aside, getting an insight into other people's cultures - think it helps open my heart to be more aware of how different people interact with each other - and particularly, how they express common emotions and perspectives (e.g. divorce) in different ways.

Hey... just watched this scene where there's this pretty-looking (and outspoken) woman who pesters a civil servant to find her file. The man sits there, sipping his tea, telling her that the file is mislaid, so she should come back in a week or 10 days' time. Obviously the man is irritated with the woman...

Then the woman keeps asking the guy when she can have her file ("in 10 minutes?"). The guy tells her bemusedly, "You turn my tea into poison when you stand over my head." And the lady says, "Enjoy your tea."

Wah.....

Still a lot more to go...

Guard your heart...

Had a refreshing unit 242 just now. Learnt from Shirley abt God's Word being our filter... we had a Bible quiz + a practical session where we evaluated 3 statements to see if they're biblical.

Now in PGP TV room. Fell back on the sofa, wondering "What is my life going to be? Is this time in NUS meaningful?"
Felt quite worried. But need to jaga my heart, remembering what one bro told me yesterday (i'm paraphrasing him): "Don't let the wrong thots come into your heart."

Yes... need to guard my heart attitudes, and one way I need to do this is to use God's Word as a filter.
Two things Shirley told us:
1. Do I know enough of His Word?
2. Am I practising it?

Ha... in a way, I do know quite a bit of His Word... but it's only surface knowledge, facts.
Frankly, I don't understand the meaning behind what I do know.
So pt 1 applies to me - do I understand what His Word REALLY is saying?

And 2! Ha... plain and simple.

Prayed today after I went back from the 242. Prayed to God to commit this decision that I've made to Him, to help me take captive every thought, word and deed to obey Christ Jesus my Lord.

Yes... jaga my heart, 'cos out of it flows the wellspring of life.

Learning something new every day...

Still, there's this small fear in my heart, "Does my life really count for anything? And what I am doing really mean anything?"

Lord, I long to talk with You abt this, just to be in Your presence.
Was feeling very 'kan-cheong' about a lot of things,
but I know Jesus wants me to focus on Him, not my feelings or problems.
"Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you."

Breakthrough campaign - Day 1 to 3

Mmm... it's been ages since I last blogged something long. =)

Personally, it really touches my heart to see how much Jesus cares for me. When I see His love for me, I feel so bad I really don't want to sin against Him.

Why the title "Breakthrough campaign"? For two reasons:
1. My church is having a breakthrough campaign. Breakthrough in every area of our lives - be it financial, spiritual, emotional, mental, physical and so on. And this is the general direction for every member in the church. Breakthrough, not only because the church says so, but simply because God Himself wants us to have a breakthrough in faith.

2. On a personal basis, it's a personal desire to want to break out for once and for all - make a full-scale charge "over the top" to tackle one area that has been hindering me in my fellowship with people.

And along the way, while looking for the solution to my problems... I've realised that Jesus doesn't just know the solution... He IS the Solution.

I can't win this battle on my own. I've tried so many, many times, and it's been getting worse and worse... the old wineskin, left unchanged, will burst in the face of new challenges. After my CL and shepherd asked me whether I prayed to God for help with my problems, I realised that I've not been praying to Him actually for help.

Guess I'll just copy and paste from my personal journal here. They're bits and pieces of my thoughts, so might get a bit confusing at times. :P

Day 1 (Sep 1) of personal breakthru campaign started with this:
What Sijia told me:
"...and that He rewards those who EARNESTLY seek Him."
Rewards - a growing character is the MAIN reward; tasks and titles are secondary.
"Do the right things. Not many things."

Note to self:
Learn from QN! After learning God's word, this brother goes back and faces himself honestly with the Word.

To be honest, I still feel scared when I think abt that... would I be able to stand firm and honestly confront myself?

Lord, help me look hard into the mirror.

Attention-seeking... root issue is: have I sensed God's acceptance of me?

Personal thoughts:
Feel quite excited, Lord... I believe You promised me that this semester will be a breakthru. To charge out of the trenches, the stalemate... and with Your help, we'll bring down this attention-seeking area in my life once and for all. No more retreating, no more stalemate... it's been like that for almost my whole life.

Day 2:
Thank You Father for today's shepping. Think my shep was quite drained by the time though. :P but really tks shep. :)

Points Peter told me:
- Assurance from God.
- Seek God's attention.

What makes me want to change? Because people tell me... or God?

YA, remember what made you want to stop your dirty jokes and swearing when you first became a Christian.

"Dear Jesus, I want to be a good testimony to Your name. I don't want to tell dirty jokes anymore. In Jesus' name, Amen."

So now... it's the same thing, Yeu Ann. You change because you want to honour Jesus. You don't want to dishonour Him, to bring shame to His name. You love him, you know that.

What Peter told me near the end of our shepherding:
"Pray to God daily, ask Him to help you overcome these problem areas. Ask the Holy Spirit to guard your heart and help you keep watch over these areas and temptations. And you'll see a change. Pray DAILY."

Prayer for Protection:
"... and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one."

Day 3:
Just as my shepherd suggested yesterday night, prayed to God this morning about my problem areas. Was conked out, but thank God for His help, as I struggled to pray while still groggy, somehow He enabled me to pray in more and more detail over my life. Spent half an hour praying... wanted to sleep again, but remembered His words, "Are you still sleeping? Pray so that you will not fall into temptation."

Prayed against leaning on my own understanding too.

Near the end of the prayer, I thought about this: I'm a person who really really wants attention.

But perhaps this attention-seeking nature was actually uniquely given by God... my fallen attention-seeking nature seeks to gain attention from men, but really, I think He gave me this attention-seeking nature with the full intention for me, when I have turned back to Him, to seek HIM and HIM alone. And it would bring Him such joy...

I think He, having redeemed me, wants to restore my nature to what it was intended all along to be: To seek God's attention with all my heart... and God, being Himself, would be so full of joy when He sees His son seeking Him, crying out for His attention... it would bring so much joy to His heart, just like when a father's heart jumps for joy when he hears his son just wanting to be with him.

During worship service today, shared with God about the desire again to want to be paid attention to... (somehow God had arranged things such that I really felt left out.) Felt very distracted during service, so cried out to him quietly during worship.

Then I remembered something my shepherd told me the night before: "Don't deny your emotions."

Then think the Spirit here helped me put 2 and 2 together... (It's one of those "Oh yah hor... now I see..." moments.) The emotions that I feel when I feel neglected, feel left out... I've been attempting to suppress these emotions and tell myself it's wrong to feel these emotions.

But as somebody put it so well, "Thirst was made for water." Likewise, my heart was meant all along to thirst for God's love.

Then I remembered one of the films that I had watched for one of my modules. It was a scene of a woman pumping water from a tap. It was good clean water, but it only came in spurts as the woman pumped.

Then I realised that my church, being made up of imperfect people, is at best a pump-well that we have to regularly pump. Of course, it supplies fresh water, good water, clean water... it is part of God's plan all along. And compared to the surrounding desert, well, the well is practically paradise. =)

But the well, as we see it now in this world, only gives spurts at best. The well was meant to sustain the thirsty traveller, the weary wanderer... and point us to the Source Himself, the Spring of Living Water. Think of drinking from a continually flowing, gushing spring of crystal-clear, clean and cool water... I remember what Jiexian's testimony today... she described experiencing God's presence as "very shiok." [Thanks sis! It was a wonderful testimony. Believe God used your testimony to touch many hearts and turn them around that day.]

So I realised then that it's ok to feel these emotions... but I must seek God's attention and go to Him to satisfy this emotional thirst. Whenever I am emotionally thirsty, I need to go to Jesus who loves me and seek His attention.

(Just like it's normal for a thirsty man to feel thirsty... but he MUST go drink some water ASAP.)

Looking forward to spending more time with You, Lord. Thanks thanks for the understanding today. =)

A really really funny animation

Watched it four or five times. And I'm STILL LAUGHING. =D

http://www.atomfilms.com/af/content/angry_kid_sofa

God does care

Was thinking how many things I really need to change and grow in. Was dismayed and discouraged at my constant struggle with my sins, especially the sin of pride. Complained to God, but in the end prayed to him.

Then walked out and felt the gentle breeze upon my face. As if God was kissing me gently and holding me close to His chest. And this verse came to mind: "Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you."

And He would know I love breezes.