:/

I hate it when I'm clueless and think everything's going well, but actually it's not. I know that I shouldn't take it personally, and yet I still do.

I guess rationally speaking, as far as I can see, I'll never succeed in this area. Only if You want me to win here, then I'll succeed. Otherwise not.

Meanwhile I've better things to do. I know what Your calling is already. So I just gotta stay focused. Dear God, please don't promise me anything here in this area. I'm disappointed enough, especially the one I THOUGHT you made to me in Jan 2009. But now it's very clear to me that it isn't.

I let myself keep on believing that "promise". Never again. I thought You made it, but now I choose not to expect that will happen... because I think You never promised it after all.

Sorry for me confusing that "promise". At least the one about career was very clear and there was no mistake with that promise, which came to pass.

Umm. Yeah, I could be more mature about this, Lord. But I'm still smarting inside, and I dont want to screw up anymore. If You want, then You'll do it. Sorry Father. Umm. Just ... don't leave me ok? Please stay by my side until I recover. If You want, that is. But if not, I'm ok.

In Jesus' name, amen.

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