The Stolen Sacrifice, the Frustrated Monkey and the Happy Wife

Met Weizhu over lunch yesterday. What he told me was so inspiring, that I want to pen it down as a way to remind myself and share with you guys. :)

In case you haven't heard yet, he got rid of all his pirated stuff.

When he shared this news with me, I was so amazed. A lot of thoughts went through my mind, but the one that stood out was that this brother really has a lot of conviction. So I decided to follow his example, took out my laptop, and started deleting my own pirated stuff.

As he sat there watching, I remarked to him, "Hey... it occurred to me - I'll need some of the software for my design ministry..."

He said,

"Imagine you're a poor farmer in the Old Testament. You want to make a sacrifice to God. But all your cows are scrawny and sick. Then you look over your neighbour's fence and see... yes! a healthy-looking cow! So you steal your neighbour's cow and make your offering. Would God be happy with that?"

I looked at him and smiled.

He went on, "Actually, I was also worried about that. But God will provide for our needs..."

I exclaimed, "Oh! I see... even more when it's for ministry!"

"Yes! You got it."

I thought a while about what he had said, and envied his heart and conviction for God. So I felt very sad, discouraged and angry with myself because I felt that I didn't have his level of passion and joy. So I mentioned that to him.

He replied, "Actually, the problem is not that you hate sin, but rather, you hate the fact that you sin. Can you see the difference?"

The light started turning on in my head.

"You set your own standards, and when you can't meet up to your own standards, you feel angry with yourself. That's pride."

I nodded in agreement. Because that's what a legalist does - he/she sets up his own standards, and if he can meet his own standards, he starts thinking of himself as having pleased God, and therefore being very spiritual.

So he gave me this analogy:

"It's like a monkey climbing a tree. You are the monkey, and the tree represents righteousness. As we grow in our walk with God, we climb up, say 5 metres, and slip 4 metres. But we keep climbing and climbing...

Now what if the monkey climbs 5 metres and drops one metre? He starts focusing on the one metre he drops, and he's very frustrated about it. As a result of being so frustrated, he drops another 2 or 3 metres further. So don't waste all your energy that you spend in being angry and discouraged at your drop. Rather, focus on doing the positive things instead."

I thought about that for another while. Actually, I was still very confused about the difference between legalism and obedience. After all, isn't it important to obey God even when we don't feel like it? Besides, Jesus had prayed to the Father, "Not my will, but Yours be done."

So told him about this. He paused for a while, and then said,

"I think you're seeing it in this way:

if (do the right thing == true)
then God_will_be_pleased;

Say you bought flowers for your wife. You know that it'll make her happy. Even if you weren't around to see her smile when you left the flowers for her on the table before you went off to work, you'd know that she'll definitely be happy.

It's not if (i buy flowers for my wife) then (she will be happy).

rather, it's: Knowing(God_will_be_pleased) -> I_do_the_right_thing.

It's not, if I do the right thing, then God will be pleased. Actually, God IS pleased when we do something that is right."

I was puzzled. Then I thought about what he said about the happy wife... I imagined myself as the husband who buys flowers for his wife... not because he has to, but because he knows that his wife simply loves it, her eyes sparkling with delight, as she sees the flowers. He knows her heart, even if he can't see her smile.

Maybe you'll find it a bit hard to understand... think it's like that in any romantic relationship, where you buy gifts and flowers for your sweetheart, not because you're supposed to, but because just seeing him/her so happy simply makes your own heart jump for joy. You're happy BECAUSE he/she is happy.

************

Later that day, I went up to one of the roof-tops in Engineering Block E5. Was still quite confused, with all those things that WZ had told me swimming around in my head. So prayed, and then prayed some more. Then somehow, I'm not sure how, I think God helped me put 2 and 2 together, until I understood what WZ had told me.

It's quite hard to describe this understanding, I guess - kinda like doing long division... you've been struggling with it for a while, until it just falls into place, and the light comes to your eyes.

Personally, this renewed understanding about making God happy has helped me understand in a newer light Jesus' thirst to glorify and obey His Father... especially His statements to describe His relationship with the Father, such as: "I always do what pleases Him," and "but the world must learn that I love the Father and that I do exactly what my Father has commanded me."

And that He IS sad when I choose to disobey Him...

From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him. "You do not want to leave too, do you?" Jesus asked the Twelve. (John 6:66-67)

Surely... it's all about Jesus' heart, and not me. At the moment I'm writing this blog entry, I'm thinking of Him looking over my shoulder and looking at what I type. To be honest, I think He's not exactly super-delighted at the moment - this blog entry was written for my own personal reflection, not for His glory really. But I know He is patient with me, wanting me to grow in obedience to Him, because it makes Him smile when I do something good - "something that's of worth / that will bless Your heart..."

Think just want to encourage whoever's reading this (and congrats for making it this far!) with this promise from Hebrews 13:16:
"And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased."

bLeSSeD BirThDay Peter! :D

Just celebrated my shepherd's bday. Really thank God for a dear shepherd and friend like him. :D

And you thought your PC was hot...

Cultural eye-opener

Now in LT9 for this Visual Ethnography module...

Very interesting, this module. My lecturer's a blond-haired woman, with a unique accent that borders on the near-unintelligible (or maybe I just don't understand what's she talking about haha). =)

She's lecturing now about this Iranian film made by an all-women crew. It argues "women need to do sociology from their own point of view, and starting from own bodily experience and tacit knowledge." Title is provocative: "Divorce Iranian style."

Thank God for this module, 'cos it's been quite an eye-opener, watching ethnographic films of people. And learning how the film-makers try to express the 'feel' of a culture through various filming techniques - e.g. angle of camera, closeness of distance, facial shots versus long-distance...

Think this is something that I'd love to do in future... maybe if I get to serve in a multimedia ministry next time... =) You know, this joy of trying to express a culture (need not necessarily be a remote tribe in Africa - can be your own caregroup: it has its own unique sub-culture within a sub-culture (my church) within a distinct culture (Christianity)).

Technical details aside, getting an insight into other people's cultures - think it helps open my heart to be more aware of how different people interact with each other - and particularly, how they express common emotions and perspectives (e.g. divorce) in different ways.

Hey... just watched this scene where there's this pretty-looking (and outspoken) woman who pesters a civil servant to find her file. The man sits there, sipping his tea, telling her that the file is mislaid, so she should come back in a week or 10 days' time. Obviously the man is irritated with the woman...

Then the woman keeps asking the guy when she can have her file ("in 10 minutes?"). The guy tells her bemusedly, "You turn my tea into poison when you stand over my head." And the lady says, "Enjoy your tea."

Wah.....

Still a lot more to go...

Guard your heart...

Had a refreshing unit 242 just now. Learnt from Shirley abt God's Word being our filter... we had a Bible quiz + a practical session where we evaluated 3 statements to see if they're biblical.

Now in PGP TV room. Fell back on the sofa, wondering "What is my life going to be? Is this time in NUS meaningful?"
Felt quite worried. But need to jaga my heart, remembering what one bro told me yesterday (i'm paraphrasing him): "Don't let the wrong thots come into your heart."

Yes... need to guard my heart attitudes, and one way I need to do this is to use God's Word as a filter.
Two things Shirley told us:
1. Do I know enough of His Word?
2. Am I practising it?

Ha... in a way, I do know quite a bit of His Word... but it's only surface knowledge, facts.
Frankly, I don't understand the meaning behind what I do know.
So pt 1 applies to me - do I understand what His Word REALLY is saying?

And 2! Ha... plain and simple.

Prayed today after I went back from the 242. Prayed to God to commit this decision that I've made to Him, to help me take captive every thought, word and deed to obey Christ Jesus my Lord.

Yes... jaga my heart, 'cos out of it flows the wellspring of life.

Learning something new every day...

Still, there's this small fear in my heart, "Does my life really count for anything? And what I am doing really mean anything?"

Lord, I long to talk with You abt this, just to be in Your presence.
Was feeling very 'kan-cheong' about a lot of things,
but I know Jesus wants me to focus on Him, not my feelings or problems.
"Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you."

Breakthrough campaign - Day 1 to 3

Mmm... it's been ages since I last blogged something long. =)

Personally, it really touches my heart to see how much Jesus cares for me. When I see His love for me, I feel so bad I really don't want to sin against Him.

Why the title "Breakthrough campaign"? For two reasons:
1. My church is having a breakthrough campaign. Breakthrough in every area of our lives - be it financial, spiritual, emotional, mental, physical and so on. And this is the general direction for every member in the church. Breakthrough, not only because the church says so, but simply because God Himself wants us to have a breakthrough in faith.

2. On a personal basis, it's a personal desire to want to break out for once and for all - make a full-scale charge "over the top" to tackle one area that has been hindering me in my fellowship with people.

And along the way, while looking for the solution to my problems... I've realised that Jesus doesn't just know the solution... He IS the Solution.

I can't win this battle on my own. I've tried so many, many times, and it's been getting worse and worse... the old wineskin, left unchanged, will burst in the face of new challenges. After my CL and shepherd asked me whether I prayed to God for help with my problems, I realised that I've not been praying to Him actually for help.

Guess I'll just copy and paste from my personal journal here. They're bits and pieces of my thoughts, so might get a bit confusing at times. :P

Day 1 (Sep 1) of personal breakthru campaign started with this:
What Sijia told me:
"...and that He rewards those who EARNESTLY seek Him."
Rewards - a growing character is the MAIN reward; tasks and titles are secondary.
"Do the right things. Not many things."

Note to self:
Learn from QN! After learning God's word, this brother goes back and faces himself honestly with the Word.

To be honest, I still feel scared when I think abt that... would I be able to stand firm and honestly confront myself?

Lord, help me look hard into the mirror.

Attention-seeking... root issue is: have I sensed God's acceptance of me?

Personal thoughts:
Feel quite excited, Lord... I believe You promised me that this semester will be a breakthru. To charge out of the trenches, the stalemate... and with Your help, we'll bring down this attention-seeking area in my life once and for all. No more retreating, no more stalemate... it's been like that for almost my whole life.

Day 2:
Thank You Father for today's shepping. Think my shep was quite drained by the time though. :P but really tks shep. :)

Points Peter told me:
- Assurance from God.
- Seek God's attention.

What makes me want to change? Because people tell me... or God?

YA, remember what made you want to stop your dirty jokes and swearing when you first became a Christian.

"Dear Jesus, I want to be a good testimony to Your name. I don't want to tell dirty jokes anymore. In Jesus' name, Amen."

So now... it's the same thing, Yeu Ann. You change because you want to honour Jesus. You don't want to dishonour Him, to bring shame to His name. You love him, you know that.

What Peter told me near the end of our shepherding:
"Pray to God daily, ask Him to help you overcome these problem areas. Ask the Holy Spirit to guard your heart and help you keep watch over these areas and temptations. And you'll see a change. Pray DAILY."

Prayer for Protection:
"... and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one."

Day 3:
Just as my shepherd suggested yesterday night, prayed to God this morning about my problem areas. Was conked out, but thank God for His help, as I struggled to pray while still groggy, somehow He enabled me to pray in more and more detail over my life. Spent half an hour praying... wanted to sleep again, but remembered His words, "Are you still sleeping? Pray so that you will not fall into temptation."

Prayed against leaning on my own understanding too.

Near the end of the prayer, I thought about this: I'm a person who really really wants attention.

But perhaps this attention-seeking nature was actually uniquely given by God... my fallen attention-seeking nature seeks to gain attention from men, but really, I think He gave me this attention-seeking nature with the full intention for me, when I have turned back to Him, to seek HIM and HIM alone. And it would bring Him such joy...

I think He, having redeemed me, wants to restore my nature to what it was intended all along to be: To seek God's attention with all my heart... and God, being Himself, would be so full of joy when He sees His son seeking Him, crying out for His attention... it would bring so much joy to His heart, just like when a father's heart jumps for joy when he hears his son just wanting to be with him.

During worship service today, shared with God about the desire again to want to be paid attention to... (somehow God had arranged things such that I really felt left out.) Felt very distracted during service, so cried out to him quietly during worship.

Then I remembered something my shepherd told me the night before: "Don't deny your emotions."

Then think the Spirit here helped me put 2 and 2 together... (It's one of those "Oh yah hor... now I see..." moments.) The emotions that I feel when I feel neglected, feel left out... I've been attempting to suppress these emotions and tell myself it's wrong to feel these emotions.

But as somebody put it so well, "Thirst was made for water." Likewise, my heart was meant all along to thirst for God's love.

Then I remembered one of the films that I had watched for one of my modules. It was a scene of a woman pumping water from a tap. It was good clean water, but it only came in spurts as the woman pumped.

Then I realised that my church, being made up of imperfect people, is at best a pump-well that we have to regularly pump. Of course, it supplies fresh water, good water, clean water... it is part of God's plan all along. And compared to the surrounding desert, well, the well is practically paradise. =)

But the well, as we see it now in this world, only gives spurts at best. The well was meant to sustain the thirsty traveller, the weary wanderer... and point us to the Source Himself, the Spring of Living Water. Think of drinking from a continually flowing, gushing spring of crystal-clear, clean and cool water... I remember what Jiexian's testimony today... she described experiencing God's presence as "very shiok." [Thanks sis! It was a wonderful testimony. Believe God used your testimony to touch many hearts and turn them around that day.]

So I realised then that it's ok to feel these emotions... but I must seek God's attention and go to Him to satisfy this emotional thirst. Whenever I am emotionally thirsty, I need to go to Jesus who loves me and seek His attention.

(Just like it's normal for a thirsty man to feel thirsty... but he MUST go drink some water ASAP.)

Looking forward to spending more time with You, Lord. Thanks thanks for the understanding today. =)

A really really funny animation

Watched it four or five times. And I'm STILL LAUGHING. =D

http://www.atomfilms.com/af/content/angry_kid_sofa

God does care

Was thinking how many things I really need to change and grow in. Was dismayed and discouraged at my constant struggle with my sins, especially the sin of pride. Complained to God, but in the end prayed to him.

Then walked out and felt the gentle breeze upon my face. As if God was kissing me gently and holding me close to His chest. And this verse came to mind: "Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you."

And He would know I love breezes.

Haha... really? :)

You are Romans.


Which book of the Bible are you?
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Ramblings II

Ok... the sequel's here. =)

Mmm... school's starting soon. It's been about 3 months or so, the vacation + matriculation programme + church camp + a whole bunch of other things.

Gosh, it's been a really thick 3 months... think if you were to ask me how my holidays were - not the casual "how are you?" - but the deep, sincere one - I guess I'd have to use the phrase "hard to describe - a mixture of fearfulness, expectancy and hopefulness".

It's getting late. Think I'll write down another day.

Ramblings

Mmm... it's been a long while since I blogged. Well, thanks to Flince's prompting, I'm writing...

Ha, somehow it seemed easier to blog when I'm thinking about it... but when I sit at the keyboard, suddenly, I feel like I'm writing for an audience... heh, yeah, that's true anyway. :) Maybe it's that kind of day-dream where you imagine yourself doing some wonderfully amazing impromptu stand-up comedy or give a powerful speech in front of an audience... leaving the audience spell-bound in awe...

and when you actually get around to doing it - hey, you get that sudden nervous twinge - "My God, what shall I say? do? etc. etc..." - 'cos it's no longer just you and yourself.

Think some pple find it easier to express how they naturally feel, in a very candid way that's straightforward, and systematically clear. Ha, just feel that's not very much me at the moment, though I'd definitely like to be able to express clearly n concisely what I'm thinking - not just feeling - at this point.

Maybe it's that desire to look good in pple's eyes that makes me self-conscious about myself, which leads me to organising my words, take ages on a one-page blog... trying to squeeze out some impressive rhetoric.

But, dunno, just want to do something new today in my writing. Just to share what's on my mind at the moment... a little 'candid snapshot' of my thoughts. :) Guess it's prompted in a way by Flince's little egging-on - it touched me that someone would keep checking out my blog... think it's the wanting to know what's going on in someone's life... or just to be entertained by some random ramblings of a friend on a drizzly day. :)

That my random ramblings can actually be interesting in their own unique way... XD

So that would be the main reason for just writing down some ramblings - just to share my thoughts, just being myself. LOL! =)

Realised something abt myself

I'm a "Thumb Sucker".

A "Thumb Sucker", according to John Maxwell's "Be a People Person", tends to pout, are full of self-pity, and try to get people to cater to his/her own desires.

It can be very subtle - probably through a sulky face, the silent treatment, etc.

At first I found it really hard to accept. But like what this bro reminded me, I only hear what I want to hear. So must thank God for helping me see myself for who I really am.

Fact is, people care abt me - but they can't meet my needs all the time. (That was the part I really hate to hear 'cos it implies that I'm looking for people to meet my needs... sounds like a parasite huh?)

But come to think of it, frankly, I realised through my bro's comments that it's not me only who got struggles.

Other people have MUCH more.

And if I got only a few non-critical things on my mind, then how about the other person with 4 or 5 important things on his/her mind?

Then... my moodiness is a choice. I'm responsible for my own responses, my own attitudes, the atmosphere I create with others.

Like what this bro told me:
"We've all got to carry our own burdens. But we can carry our own burdens joyfully."

And, "I don't really care what people think of me. C'mon, I got [all these important things] and besides, I get to serve God..."

Thanks bro, for your frank and sincere feedback. It hurt for a while, but hope this helps me become a better person for Him in the end.

Thanks Jan :)

Jan called me today to see how I am.

*touched*

Thanks dear bro. Really so inspired by your heart and compassion for others, bro.

Aaron's blog

Been reading through Aaron's blog.

Wow, really thank God for His wonderful transforming power in Aaron - when I read his blog, I feel SO amazed, inspired and encouraged by this dear bro's simple, childlike faith, and how his clarity of thought and conviction shows up clearly in his blog.

Really... this brother has been given much by God. Let's pray that he'll be faithful in using the talents and giftings that God has given him. It's so amazing to see what God can do in our lives!

Lord, I pray that Your grace shall be upon this dear bro all his life and may You keep him safe in Your wonderful hands as you mould him through this time in New Zealand. =)

Weizhu's blog

Realised something abt WZ's spirit in his blog - even when he writes abt himself - somehow, it's not inwards-focused but outwards-looking. :)

http://wei.lookingabove.com :)

Wow, really thank God for you, WZ. :) Thanks for leaving a ripple in my life, bro. =)

Sensitive teeth...

Ouch, recently my molars + wisdom teeth have been hurting at times... I dun think it's an infected tooth per se, but rather, sensitive teeth... think parts of the teeth are partially exposed (why? maybe cavities??)...

Chocolate, in particular, are a real pain to chew on... dunno why, my molars are VERY sensitive to choccies nowadays... *oh no*...

So I've visited the NUH website... shall make an appointment wif the dentist... better double-check the condition of my teeth...

Met Gerard from West unit yesterday morning at YIH. He blessed me with a surprise breakfast treat. Really blessed. TQ Lord, it's a joy getting to know another bro, esp one as sincere as Gerard.

Commented to him tt I find him sincere. He mentioned to me tt a lot of pple also say that. Wow... I remember praying the day before that You send me examples of pple who are sincere so that I can learn from them.

Thank You Lord. =) I really want to grow, to learn from others. Think this is true: true humility brings joy to the heart...

"And be thankful." - Colossians 3:15b

Mm... been thinking abt some pple in my life to be thankful for... really want to learn from them.

"And be thankful." - Colossians 3:15b

There's quite a few pple to write abt... these are just notes, 'snapshots' of who they are... so guess I'll be putting up a few more in time to come.

**************
Chiyen - a saint whose boots i'm not fit to polish...
his delaying his work to give econs tuition to jia, jan and mich...

So proud of him! :)
**************
Jia's sincere heart for pple... tink "sincere" is not a good enough word... delightful! that would be a better word..
she really takes delight in others...
**************
Thanksgiving for Chi Chong...
what he said to me today: "You've touched me a lot many times."
Thank You Lord...
**************
Thank You for the time spent with QN last nite...
haha... the banana phone thingy tt QN showed me...
the fishing game... his Maple Story game...
and the time together on his parallel programming assignment...

Lord, I hope our friendship grows deeper.
**************

I Do I Do like it!

Came back earlier from watching the "I Do I Do" movie with some of the bros and sisters from West... really farny the movie... very funny, the movie! :D (Though really bawdy... and that was the CENSORED version!)

Thanks bros sisters (Kangwei, Ruizhi, Meiyan, Robert, Weizhu, Barney, Beng Lee, Jiayan, KC, Claire... I know there r some other pple... but can't rem their names... :P sorry... but really enjoyed the time tog wif u all) for such a wonderful time together (and special thanks to Robert for his help in translating the Hokkien jokes... ;) hee hee... though the "two" and "too" pun by Adrian didn't need any translation... dreadfully funny liao... XD)

Thanks guys... feel so refreshed by the time together. And thanks a ton, KC & WZ, for ur setting up the hardware and ur prompt "tech support" too. The movie wouldn't have been very enjoyable without your help. ;)

One in stomach...

Something interesting... Had dinner with Jan, Yufen, Mich and Jia before we met up on 29 March... Huili brought her own food.

Ok, J, YF, Jia and M all bought their food from the Chinese Mixed Rice + Veggies stall in PGP aircon food court.

Then, the next day, J, YF, me and Mich all kena stomach pains... you know that kind, that makes you break out in cold sweat and goosebumps? :) Poor Jan was hit the hardest... he had to see the doctor and take MC.

But funny thing is, Jia was all right, even though she had eaten a whole plate of The Stuff... quite surprising! :P

Joked with her that "M'sian stomachs are stronger than S'porean stomaches"... ;)

**********
Ok, think some of the more eagle-eyed readers will ask, "Hey, YA, how come you kena stomachache even though you hadn't bought the same food as them?"

That's because we shared our food all around when we ate... :P Guess I was hit the least hard, because I only got a small helping of The Stuff, whereas the rest of the gang had chowed their entire platefuls. :P

(Which makes me think abt the strength of Sijia's stomach... :) so that rules her out for the job of food-tester... hee hee!)

Ha... actually, in a way, it's really a memorable moment... that we shared not just food and fun... but in a way we've all got a common experience of 'suffering' together... Think it's simple things like these that make our fship in NUS so memorable n delightful (well, when the pain has passed away)...

Yup, that's what makes me glad when I recall that incident. That we are a family, that we don't just share only the good things, but we go thru pain, sufferings and troubles together - "mourn with those who mourn". And in that sense, that's when you can really feel the depth and trueness of fellowship, just as God would have us be. :)

"Joy and laughter,
Burdens and sorrows,
At the hands of His Body
No less to carry
And to be carried..."