Some reflections about the Christmas multimedia (MM)

During the altar call during the Christmas service, think the Holy Spirit impressed on my heart this sentence: "Doing this MM thing was never about me all along. It was for all those people who need Christ."

It struck me that what truly matters in His eyes is that He can use the MM to touch and soften the hearts of the people. And that is the true usefulness of whatever service we do for Jesus. If we serve, and people affirm us, but the Kingdom of God is not advanced in any way, then our ministry, no matter how beautiful-looking, is a complete and utter failure in His eyes. It will just be a ministry of straw.

Thank You so much for reminding and correcting me today, dear Lord. Not my kingdom, but YOUR KINGDOM COME, YOUR WILL BE DONE, ON EARTH AS IT IS IN HEAVEN! AMEN!

*******
Hee hee... I'm also so grateful to God that He has graciously allowed me, despite all my imperfections and flaws and pride, to share in the joy of this harvest. Something that struck me was that my name appears in the church bulletin as one of those who helped in the harvest, no matter how much work I did, or how little, for that matter.

And I was reminded of Jesus' parable of the workers in the vineyard. Whether we are the first-hour workers, or the last-hour workers, God can choose to reward us in ways that we can't imagine - unless we have this attitude of "what's in this for me?"

:)

*******
On a lighter note, it's really been a great joy being able to help out in this MM production. Think it's my last time being able to help out as a student volunteer - and we all know that students are VERY free during the holidays. :)

But not only that - I really really really thank God for the blessing of being able to work closer with the people who serve full-time on the church staff. It was an eye-opening experience, being able to see for myself first-hand what serving God full-time is like, and struck by their readiness and willingness and dedication to serving God full-time.

And when I'm talking about full-time, I mean full-time.

E.g. Steven Yeoh answering late-night calls and scheduling MM bookings, Simon staying back in Nexus Auditorium till 1 or 2 am just to wait for those staying back to finish their own ministry stuff in the auditorium, Kin Wee staying overnight in the MM control room to work on the sound editing and video production and Desmond staying back in Nexus late at night even though he's got a young son to take care of.

It's also been a great experience seeing how their different personalities - e.g. Steven's very meticulous and systematic, Kin Wee's very phlegmatic (in a good sense), with a very good-natured and patient disposition even under high stress and not-so-punctual volunteers (like me :P) and Simon's constantly hilarious jokes and cheerful spirit - for instance, when he saw Adam's and God's hands touching each other at the end of the video - supposed to be a very heartwarming and majestic ending, he joked that this is so much like the Nokia logo that appears on his handphone...

"You know what??? We can play the Nokia ringtone at the end of the video, and say, 'Proudly sponsored by Nokia'!!!"

I also got to learn a lot from these men of God how they faithfully use their different talents and strengths to serve God - e.g. Kin Wee, in order to keep himself fit as a dance trainer and one of the dancers for the Christmas service, does morning stretchings (and we're talking leg splits here).

I'm also very struck by the youthful vibrancy and spirit of these four servants of God - Steven, Kin Wee, Desmond and Simon. As a student for many years, I had always seen the bros and sisters in the Adult ministries as not very enthu compared to the youth or tertiary... but after working in such close quarters with them, I realise that even though they're older than us in age, and some are married (and one of them , they have this very youthful, positive and enthusiastic spirit in them that actually make them so much more energetic than some people much younger than them!

What a wonderful testimony to the power of God in their lives! They are living examples of what it means to be servants of God:

Isaiah 40
³⁰ Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

³¹ but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

And also another thing that I learnt was that God is an EXCELLENT and SYSTEMATIC and DETAILED Craftsman. After listening to Genesis 1 again and again while doing the video-editing (I have never listened to a Bible passage so many times in one day before), I gradually realised that there is so many practical things that we can learn and apply from Genesis 1 and 2 - e.g. how systematic God is.

But I think one of the best things that I learnt from meditating on Gen 1 is WHY God created the world in 6 days. I mean, He could have just simply said everything on the 1st day. :) But why didn't He?

I think the reason He chose to spread out the work over 6 days is because, unlike so many of us in this multitasking generation, He chose to concentrate on one task each day, thereby putting His heart fully into whatever He did.

What a magnificent contrast to the half-hearted and hasty work that we so often produce in our lives!

And I realised that God really poured His love so fully into each and every act of Creation that He did. This was no job for Him - this was His very own work of art, something beautiful, something majestic... that would show His very own glory and goodness.

Somehow, I think this entire MM editing experience has been a truly wonderful, and I pray, a transformative experience for me, in realising the heart of God in how He works. I do eagerly hope that these experiences I've learnt, God will help me carry over and apply in the Adults ministry, so that I can "do [my] best to present [myself] to God as one approved, a workman who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth." (2 Timothy 2:15)

Amen! :)

Quite tired today, but was very thankful after today's Christmas service. Really very thankful to God that the MM went well, and special thanks to my dear bros and sisters who affirmed me... feel very loved! :)

And thank God so much for Zhiwei, who blessed YF, Flince and me with a wonderful, wonderful carved wooden discs bearing our Chinese names. It's REALLY so very nice... ha, pity I don't have a camera on hand with me to take a photo of it.

Felt so touched that Zhiwei would labour so long to make these kind of gifts for us... Something that he said struck me a lot. He said, "I'm glad you like it very much. If you like it, that's an added bonus."

Wow... in a simple, off-the-cuff statement, I was reminded that in the end, it's the heart of wanting to give that really counts in Jesus' eyes. Better the poor widow who gave to God out of her poverty, than the rich men who gave out of their plenty.

Frankly, I'm not a good giver. I just don't find it natural to give, but something that the Bible encourages me is that God prefers a cheerful heart that gives cheerfully to a grudging heart that gives grudgingly. Give as much as your heart prompts you to give, and God, who loves a cheerful giver, will make all His grace abound to you! :D

"Bus guide is poorly designed. Make it more user-friendly"

Thank God, my letter to the Straits Times forum got posted online! :) Was inspired both by a jialat experience on Tuesday when I checked my bus guide to see what times the NightRider service arrives.

Didn't see the important info that said that the NR buses come ONLY on Fridays, Sats and eves of Public Holidays, bcos the words were printed in tiny, tiny letters.

I'm normally a meticulous person, but frankly, even I missed out on that info. So wrote an email to the ST Forum, inspired in part by Shuyi's own forum posting. (Proud of ya, sis!)

(It does give you a rush, seeing your name up there on the ST Forum... hee hee...)

Like how the ST Forum Editor managed to condense my 'loh-soh' email.

Original email:

Better page design and typography sorely needed for Transitlink Guide

As a freelance designer with experience in information design, I have observed to my dismay that, currently, the TransitLink Guide makes use of a lot of tiny narrow letters densely packed together in a linear
list.

Furthermore, essential key information, e.g. days of service and bus-timings, are not well-structured and not sufficiently visual enough for a quick glance. You have to carefully scrutinize the information, and even then, you may not be clear. I believe there are many fellow commuters who can understand what I am saying.

Such poor design of the bus schedules can cause those with poorer eyesight (e.g. senior citizens) or reading in poor lighting conditions to misunderstand or miss out on critical information, e.g. the NightRider services only come on Fridays, Saturdays and eves of Public Holidays, but this important information is not immediately obvious at first glance.

Thus, I strongly suggest that the design of the Guide can be much improved by using a better design e.g. using a table of days and highlighting in bright colours only those days that the bus will arrive. I think this kind of simple redesigning will not take up too much page space or cost too much to amend, and will go a long way in
further enhancing the quality and usability of a very useful Guide.

If the designer of the TransitLink Guide is not yet sufficiently convinced, may I suggest that he/she tries using his/her own copy on a dark and stormy night at 11.30 pm with terrible street-lighting while trying to look out for the bus at the same time?

*******
And this is the edited one that came out:

Dec 21, 2006
Bus guide is poorly designed. Make it more user-friendly

As a freelance designer with experience in information design, I have observed to my dismay that the TransitLink Guide makes use of a lot of tiny letters densely packed together in a linear list.

Essential information such as days of service and bus arrival/departure times are not well-structured and are hard to read at a quick glance.

You have to scrutinise the information carefully and even then, you may not be clear about the information.

I believe many commuters know what I am saying.

Such a poor design of the bus schedules can cause those with poor eyesight (eg. senior citizens) or those reading them in poor lighting conditions, to misunderstand or miss out critical information.

For example, the NightRider services are available only on Fridays, Saturdays and the eve of public holidays, but this important information is not immediately obvious at first glance.

I suggest that the design of the guide be improved, eg. by using a table and highlighting in bright colours only the days that the bus operates.

This kind of simple redesigning will not take up space or cost too much to amend, and it will go a long way to further enhancing the quality of what's a very useful guide.

If the designer of the TransitLink Guide is not convinced, he should try using it on a dark night in a place with bad street-lighting while looking out for the bus to come at the same time.

Yeo Yeu Ann

Introspective Inquiry Into Intra-personal Indicators

Aha... Alliteration Again! Amazing! Awesome! Awestruck! Aw...ful? Alas... Always Alliterating Acronymically and Anagramically, Antonymical Aspects Agressively Analyzing Articles.

:)

Ok, I'm in one of my crazy moods again. Haha! :)

*******
Actually, was thinking with regards to what my natural personality is. I do realise the distinctions between my perceived self, my natural self and my public self.

Public self, well, I'm aware (or more aware now) of the image that I present, and was reflecting on what makes me present such a self. In short, it's insecurity, thinking that I have to do something to make others accept me, and as a result of that belief, I keep cracking jokes and doing stupid things so that others will laugh.

Thank God for that awareness - this knowledge helps me break this habit of trying to be what I'm not, or rather, what God didn't intend me to be. :)

So in reflection, knowing your personality only goes so far. Yes, you'll know why you act the way you act. But having the power to change not only the way you act, but your inner attitudes, can only come from the power of the Holy Spirit. I mean, I know that I tend to be a very insecure person, but that knowledge alone can't enable me to break my habits of seeking after people's approval.

Like how a drowning man KNOWS that he's going to drown, but he's helpless to save himself. (I mean, you think he wants to stay there drowning?)

Romans 3:20
Therefore no one will be declared righteous in his sight by observing the law; rather, through the law we become conscious of sin.

Romans 7:21-25
So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!

So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.

Romans 8:1-3a
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering.

But I know now that Christ came to set me free from what I myself could not do.

:)

So hee, that was one of the thoughts that I thought I thought today.

*Caution: Cold Zone Coming Up!*

Thought for Today:
I thought a thought, but the thought I thought I thought wasn't the thought that I thought I'd thought. If the thought that I thought I thought had been the thought that I thought I thought, then I needn't have thought the thought that I thought I thought.

Have fun parsing THAT sentence! ;) You get a sparse parsely if you can parse it sparsely. (Oh my. That was a bit sparse stick.)

XD

*End Cold Zone!*

Anyway, the second thought of the day was that actually, my natural self might actually be a MelPhleg (combination of Melancholic and Phlegmatic). Quite surprising initially, but when you think about it, actually, the observations that I've made of myself does seem to indicate that being phlegmatic is actually more dominant in me than the sanguine aspect.

Because if you consider the characteristics of a pure-C type (Logical Thinker) to a C-S type (Precisionist/Perfectionist), I'm much, much closer to a Precisionist. I really enjoy pixel-perfect precision when it comes to doing web designing, and yes, feel uneasy when forced to decide anything quickly, as my bros and sisters can tell you. :) And yes, I do my best to avoid conflicts. And I really enjoy the company of people, but prefer having only a few close friends. And yes, I do have a high tendency to procrastinate.

That's why I like neatness, but frankly, I very rarely get around to tidying up my room, because I'm simply too lazy to do so.

And actually, I realise that in high-pressure situations, my tendency to panic might be more of something that I expect myself to do. Actually, I don't like it when people panic or lose their heads. Cynthia said that I'm very cool-minded, comforting her when she was feeling very panicky. Surprised... but perhaps it's true after all? And actually, on further reflection, my "panicking" can actually be more of an expression of frustration with either myself or a fellow phlegmatic. (Sorry, Wei... :P)

And my predilection to starting at the last minute before an assignment, and frankly, not feeling very panicky - in fact I think I should be more stressed about my work at times. Hmm...

And if you were to put me to the Myers-Brigg test, I think I would be described as an intuitive thinker. Think that's true, because I keep using the word, "Think", so often in what I say or write. :) Feeler ah... well, that's the mel part of me.

Quite a surprising realization, because all this while I've thought of myself as being sanguine, or at the least, having a sanguine aspect to me. But experience shows that I definitely am not a sanguine, and I have more of the characteristics, besides a mel personality, of a phlegmatic one too.

Upon further introspection, I think that belief was, in a large extent, due to my insecurity and the mistaken belief that if I want people to like me, I have to make them laugh. (At this moment, I remember Wenjiang sharing about this experience too when he was my shepherd many years ago. Wow... now then I understand what he meant.)

*******
And if it really turns out I do have the strengths (and weaknesses) of a phlegmatic too, what does that mean for me?

In one aspect, nothing that much really... knowing my real personality isn't, like, going to shake the heavens and the earth...

But! On the other aspect, it's a REAL eye-opener. It's like, all along I thought I was this kind of person, and tried to be this kind of person, and failed miserably, wondering why I can't be this kind of person...

And then realising that God has actually made me totally different from what I thought I was all my whole life.

And with that realisation comes a whole new sense of freedom - the joyous freedom to be really what God has made me to be, and not what I think others want me to be. (And sometimes what I think is not what others are actually thinking.)

And perhaps, best of all, there is this hope that we can discover who we TRULY are, and what we were MADE FOR, and what we CAN BE, in Christ Jesus!

Life with Jesus is so exciting... sometimes you get hit with a major epiphany out of the blue, and your life is never the same again, because of that sudden realization... could be one of those "stars" that God has graciously put in your life to draw you to set out and seek the Baby of Bethlehem, just like the Wise Men of the east did 2000 years ago.

Just finished reading a book that Daisy lent me. It's called "What You Do Best in the Body of Christ". Very interesting and helpful.

Some things I captured:
1. Attitude of Servility versus Serving

2. Spiritual gifts alone doesn't make for effective ministry - love is needed as well. Like having two wings for an airplane - you need both wings to fly.
See 1 Corinthians 13. Very very very important!!!

3. Passion + Personal Style + Spiritual Gifts.
For me:
Passion: Media + Children
Personal Style: People/Unstructured (Actually, I'm fine with either people or tasks, though I prefer interacting with people to a smaller extent.)
Spiritual Gifts: Encouragement (confirmed) + Prophecy (possible)
= direction of God's purpose for my life.

4. Some spiritual gifts can work well in combinations and there are different combinations e.g. encouragement + mercy + hospitality has a different impact from encouragement + prophecy.

5. Personal reflections on my serving in HopeKids - I enjoy it a lot, but don't really have the taste to keep doing the MM, yet really can't be the "rah-rah" type for the children. I'm much more comfortable listening to the children share their lives with me, and encouraging them, and exploring together with them their potential talents and skills. Think I do much better in small groups of children (3 to 4 children), than larger groups (say 20 kids). I struggle to enforce discipline on a larger scale, but can correct a child on a one-to-one basis (and I love it!).

Still thinking... one thing that I've been getting increasingly stressed about is how to take care of the children, keep them disciplined, etc. Maybe I'm worrying too much, and sometimes I think I should just cast my cares to the wind... oh... why not cast them onto Jesus instead? :)

To just enjoy the children's presence, and let the little ones minister to me in their own unique God-given way.

Matthew 19:14-15
Jesus said, "Let the little children come to Me, and do not hinder them, for the Kingdom of God belongs to such as these." When he had placed his hands on them,he went on from there.

I'm thinking about this too... think this verse is telling me that sometimes the best way to bless them is just hold them and pray for them. That's why the parents brought their children to Jesus, that He might put His hands on them and pray for them.

And that is something I really really really love to do. Imagine... each one of them brimming with promise and potentiality... a precious gift from God.

Hmm, so need God's help to renew this burden and love for the children, because I'm feeling awfully tired and drained now actually. Yup, thank God for His Word and this book, think it's very timely - helped me draw back to the heart of serving Him... it's all because of Jesus' love to me. He died on the cross - for my sins, and not just my sins - the sins of the whole world.

Dear Lord, please help me go beyond myself to have a heart for You, for Your people, to serve them as You would have me serve. In Jesus' name amen.

DISC Test Results

Took the DISC test today.

For more info, can take a look at http://www.discprofile.com/discclassic.htm

Dominance: People who score high in the intensity of the 'D' styles factor are very active in dealing with problems and challenges, while low D scores are people who want to do more research before committing to a decision. High "D" people are described as demanding, forceful, egocentric, strong willed, driving, determined, ambitious, aggressive, and pioneering. Low D scores describe those who are conservative, low keyed, cooperative, calculating, undemanding, cautious, mild, agreeable, modest and peaceful.

Influence: People with High I scores influence others through talking and activity and tend to be emotional. They are described as convincing, magnetic, political, enthusiastic, persuasive, warm, demonstrative, trusting, and optimistic. Those with Low I scores influence more by data and facts, and not with feelings. They are described as reflective, factual, calculating, skeptical, logical, suspicious, matter of fact, pessimistic, and critical.

Steadiness: People with High S styles scores want a steady pace, security, and don't like sudden change. Low S intensity scores are those who like change and variety. High S persons are calm, relaxed, patient, possessive, predictable, deliberate, stable, consistent, and tend to be unemotional and poker faced. People with Low S scores are described as restless, demonstrative, impatient, eager, or even impulsive.

Conscientiousness: Persons with High C styles adhere to rules, regulations, and structure. They like to do quality work and do it right the first time. High C people are careful, cautious, exacting, neat, systematic, diplomatic, accurate, tactful. Those with Low C scores challenge the rules and want independence and are described as self-willed, stubborn, opinionated, unsystematic, arbitrary, and careless with details.

Alan and Zewei helped analyze and explain the results. Was very surprised by my results (though it confirmed what I had been suspecting):

BTW this was done in a ministry context, to see how I tend to relate with people.

For my private self - according to the DISC philosophy, how I respond under stress is a very good measure of what my REAL self is:
The Conscientiousness (aka "Melancholic") component is very high relative to the other three. Cool... According to the overview, my general characteristics are that I'm accurate/analytical, conscientious/careful, fact-finder/precise and have high standards/systematic.

But some of my possible weaknesses are that I need clear-cut boundaries for actions/relationships, tend to get bogged down in details and prefer not to verbalize feelings. Think it's very true of me... I struggle to express verbally how I feel, but thank God for Peter, Hanhui and Ruey Fong who helped me with this area of my life.

And my greatest fear is criticism. I'm very sensitive to feedback. There's two ways to see this: Sensitive as in taking feedback very seriously - that can mean that your feedback will be seriously considered. But also, I tend to take feedback a bit too personally too, because to me, my work represents who I am, rather than what I do. True true...

Public self - the self that I project outwards to others (i.e. the self that I THINK people expect of me or that I think is needed for a particular context.)
Surprisingly, my results showed that the I part was VERY high - in fact, above the I component of my perceived self. That means I'm deliberately pushing myself to be the "horseface", the loud and chatty one, even above what I think I am, and definitely not what my real self is. :)

Hmm... not that I'm being hypocritical... I just do it to meet a perceived need in the CG, and also because I believe that being people-oriented is something that's very important in life and especially in the church. Whether this understanding's correct or not, well... lemme think about that now. :)

Alan explained something very important to me at this point. Even though a high I component shows that a person can be very people-oriented, being people-oriented is NOT the same as being relationship-oriented. Got difference here!

The lightbulb went on in my head when I heard that. 'Cos I've been mixing up the two concepts.

Quite interesting... and oh yes! I downplayed my natural C component a LOT in my public self. Zewei suggested that this could be because the CG ministry I'm in at the moment may need more of the I aspect and less of the C aspect - perhaps because other C-type people are filling that role already. But my high C component would suggest that I actually prefer to do roles like multimedia (yes, I like it a lot... hee...).

*******
Oh, at this point, I also realise that C-type people like me prefer accuracy so much to a point that we prioritise perfection over deadlines.

And that I have various other traits of the other 3 aspects (D,I,S) in my private self too - albeit much lower than the C aspect. So that's why, even in doing work, I like to have someone together with me (S aspect), and why I can talk a lot when I'm with a friend (I aspect) and attempts too much at once (D aspect).
*******

Finally, my perceived self - the self-image, self-identity:
This is very interesting... hee hee... according to the pattern style described by my perceived self, due to my high I and C components, I'm an Assessor.

According to the book that I got, an Assessor is one who reveals value in others. An Assessor is observant of details as well as the unique value of people. They combine a concern for particulars with an awareness and appreciation for the people needed to accomplish tasks; this lends to the development of open channels of communication. They will frequently express an enthusiasm and optimism for accomplishing tasks, as well as being an encouraging influence to those around them. These are traits they derive from the "I" influence of the character. However, their enthusiasm will be based upon a thorough assessment of the factors required to achieve the goal, and their encouragement will be directed to the accomplishment of the task at hand. Assessors are typically excellent judges of character, and will easily trust those who meet their standards.

Assessors can be counted on to do a good job, to value their associates and to pay attention to details. They have a tendency to be competitive with themselves; they push themselves to do better in order to avoid any rejection or criticism. People who have this style often have a unique teaching gift.

And oh, some famous people who have this style are Charles Darwin and Bill Gates! Cool! :D

*******
Hmm... surprised and impressed at how perceptive the designers of the tests are... for me, it's very accurate - maybe because melancholics like me tend to reflect on ourselves a lot.

Oh, and given my high C-type results for my private self, that MIGHT put me in the realms of the Logical Thinkers, together with people like Albert Einstein. One key characteristic of them is that they tend to make decisions slowly, based on facts and logic, not emotion, asking "how" and "why" questions. Hee hee... think this is very true of me...

Think there's still some more that I left out... but in any case, it's been a wonderful time finding out more about what God has made me to be.

You know, it struck me that even though the "I" aspect of me is not naturally high, a lot of people have confirmed over the years that they feel very encouraged when I encourage them, even non-verbally through my actions and so on. Wow... thank God so much for this gift! :D Think then, this is a very strong indicator that my ability is encourage is DEFINITELY NOT a natural gift, but a supernatural one, given by the Holy Spirit. Whee! Praise God, from whom all blessings flow!

Hee hee... thank God so much... He is so cool! :D Yup... excited to see how I can contribute next time to my new CG in future... and in my workplace too! To shine for Jesus! :D To be His salt and light! Onwards for Jesus! aMeN!

Just came back from the Makan Bus outing. Whee! :D Really thank God for all the bros and sisters who put their hearts into making this event a success... very pleasantly surprised too, at how Swee Leong's testimony made it so easy to slide into a spiritual conversation with one of the visitors... wow, really thank God, praying that this new friend will come to really taste and see that the Lord is GOOD! Maybe not now, but I have faith that God can use whatever we've shared to plant a little seed more into his heart... :D

Really thank God also for how He answered our prayers yesterday... because we had only one visitor from our CG, despite our invitations... but at the last minute, we had another friend coming, thanks to Eugene... wow... God really is faithful! :D Yup, really a joy getting to know these friends better... hee hee...

Such a sweet time too, under the stars at Esplanade. Praise God that He kept the weather beautiful the entire night... no rain... thanks to Him who rules the skies above! :D

Yup... Christmas' coming... feeling more and more excited... though my friend didn't come today, seeing how God brought another visitor to come... this encourages me that with God, all things are possible! Amen! So will earnestly fast and pray that my friends can come for the Christmas service as I invite them!

*******
Some thoughts about Christmas... what gift can we give Him for His birthday this year?

(Think it's quite funny in a way, celebrating the birthday of God... yet it's amazingly true, that He who is the First and Last, the Beginning and the End, who was before Time began, should have a birthday... but wow, yes, He really knows how a human feels - including a birthday celebration!)

Pastor Jeff's sermon today made me think. He said (paraphrasing him), "We can bring Him a gift too, a gift even more precious than gold or incense... we can bring him the gift of our lives!"

Because I've been thinking about my life recently this week. I noticed how some brothers and sisters, even the very much younger ones, have a faith stronger and steadier than mine, and they really inspire me by their lives. Their lives speak to me very strongly this verse:

1 Timothy 4:12
Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.

To be honest, I'm tempted to start comparing myself with them, which is the start of pride. But it's true that there is so much that I can learn from them. And I've been looking at those who are not growing much, and those who have started growing more and more. So I was thinking, the question really could be: What makes people grow?

I think there are many, many things that can help people grow, including making sense of their experiences and learning from them... reading the Bible regularly... fellowship...

But I think, from what I've observed, the most critical and powerful factor that causes people to grow is simply a childlike heart to believe and act on what God's Word says. Very powerful, very simple!

In addition, those who grow really fast are those who have committed themselves wholeheartedly to living every aspect of their lives God's way. So much goodness flowing out of their lives... to be honest, it makes me envious!

But let it be a good kind of envy... to desire a deeper relationship with God, like they have! I think there's a fine line between desiring the things that spring out of a relationship with God e.g. maturity, joy, love, peace, etc., and desiring a deeper relationship with God Himself. It's all so easy to confuse the gifts for the Giver Himself.

It's like what Weizhu told me before: "Keep your desire for God central."

So what about the point about making a gift of my own life? Well, it's a personal heartfelt stirring, but somehow my heart reached a conclusion after all this thinking and everything. I think Jesus spoke to me during the worship today with a vision...

This vision was of me laying down all my fears, my failures, mistakes and sins at the foot of the cross, and after doing so, Jesus came up from behind me, put His hand on my shoulder and nodding to me, beckoned me to get up and follow Him.

And I got up, left everything that I ever had at the foot of the cross and turned around to walk with Him.

Somehow, through that vision, I felt that Jesus was telling me that the rest of my life can be a fresh new start for me from today onwards. Just lay everything of myself at the foot of the cross, and get up a new man, and follow Him wherever He may go. I just feel this conviction increasing and increasing in my heart, and somehow, I think He was telling me that I have not fully surrendered all the desires of my heart to Him. And that includes my crushes too. :) And that includes my future. And that includes my past. I keep holding on to my past, not wanting to let go.

Swee Leong's testimony also stirred my heart, especially the part when he said that he has a new purpose in life. And that struck me, because I think He convicted me that, after all these years, I've still not surrendered every aspect of my life to Him yet.

So I made a commitment to Him today, stopping at the void deck to pray. I prayed my decision to Jesus, to love Him with all my heart and soul and mind and strength from today onwards. It's just a personal decision on my part.

And I found myself singing, "I have decided to follow Jesus... No turning back... no turning back..." Seriously, I think this song in my heart was inspired by the Holy Spirit... so touched!

Just feel a deeper peace within my heart now. Somehow I have this assurance that Jesus will help me follow Him as we walk together. I know He will help me make Him the centre of my life in all that I say, all that I do. Because He has already promised this in His Word. Amen!

Amazing love, how can it be
That You, my King, would die for me
Amazing love, I know it's true
And in all that I do
I honour You...

Reflection - making sense of an experience

Was reflecting just now, taking a stock-check of my life. Realised that somehow my heart has become increasingly distant from God this semester, wanting to do its own things its own way - focusing on the forms of things, rather than the heart of it all, which is because of Jesus.

I think it's because this semester, I've been spending less and less time seeking Him, and when I do seek Him, often, it's like, I'm sitting down, just thinking about my own agendas and desires, wishes, fantasies etc, and my Lord is just sitting there, patiently waiting for me to stop talking to myself and start talking to Him.

Plus, I think I'm becoming increasingly slack, not wanting to push myself on harder to exercise self-control and restraint in the things that I already know I should be mature in. E.g. the way I handle crushes, the way I handle my negative feelings, my emotions. I'm like that marathon runner, who upon experience the first aches, starts walking. He never really stretches himself to the fullest limit, and so, never really grows as a result.

1 Corinthians 9:24-27
Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.
Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.

I feel lousy again, because I realise that I've let myself get hoodwinked again by Satan, succumbing to temptation and insecurity and fear. What I mean is that there's this particular weakness of mine that has been with me all these years, and the thing is, every time I go through this test, I keep failing and failing. 8 years of failing... I'm amazed at His incredible patience with me!

Realised in my reflection that I've not done anything to learn from my mistakes so that I can take evasive actions - e.g. immediately accounting to my shepherd and closer brothers and sisters whom I can trust to keep me accountable. (Something like, a soldier being aware of a potential ambush or trap, taking cover immediately when he recognizes one.)

Ok, I guess I have done that in a small way, but still, I'm not living up to what I've already attained then.

*******
Actually, yeah, thinking about insecurity, I got whammed by it again. Really feel very tempted to do something that's stupid, and insecurity makes me do very strange things. I recognise that I'm not alone - in Joyce Meyer's book, "Approval Addiction", she lists out various examples of the strange things people do when they are insecure. It's that grip of "cold turkey", when it comes to approval addiction, and God have mercy on me, it's a nasty feeling - it overwhelms you and short-circuits your rational and emotional thinking. But I need to remember well the Christian's Declaration of Freedom:

Galatians 5:1
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

*******

Thankful to God for His help. I was praying, asking Him to forgive me and set me free from this insecurity bondage that makes me think and therefore do such stupid and strange things, and somehow, I had this assurance that things will turn out well, because He is with me. That's all. It's His presence that really, really, really, really, really, really, really matters. I know I stand forgiven by His blood, and I stand up again by His mercy, and I stand a free man by His grace!

And this verse calmed my heart and mind:

Proverbs 3:16
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."

And then it struck me. That was the verse that a brother had prophesised over me before I went into the NUS ministry, accompanied by a specific vision of me being surrounded by many trees, and lost and confused.

I think that verse was really meant to carry me through this time in NUS, and more clearly so, a weapon against the insecurity that Satan would try to tempt and attack me with. Wow. "Full circle", what Robert said last time before he moved on to Adults ministry - that came to my mind. And so, in the last weeks of the NUS ministry, I realise that God had equipped me with a powerful counter and precise antidote to my insecurity:

TRUST IN THE LORD WITH ALL YOUR HEART (note, it didn't say mind... because I think insecurity attacks the mind) AND LEAN NOT ON YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING; IN ALL YOUR WAYS ACKNOWLEDGE HIM (this will keep me safe from going off the good path) AND HE WILL MAKE YOUR PATHS STRAIGHT (what a wonderful promise!).

It's a painful learning experience, but thank God, I think it's really worth it, just in time for the next phase of my life. Onwards for Jesus Christ!

Unit Prayer Gathering, a Reflection, and Joy to the World!

Today we had unit prayer meeting. Really thank God for that time of prayer - felt very refreshed again by the Spirit of God, especially when I've been feeling weary.

But think the Lord Jesus encouraged me not be weary, but reminded me that it's a joy and privilege to be able to serve Him in this way, and feel His pleasure... He reminded me that what I'm creating will be seen by 3000-over people in Kallang Theatre, as part of His outreach plan to the lost!!!

Wow! So exciting... I'm reminded of His sheer grace to me, that started from last year... when I did a video clip for My Church My Home... and that was during my darkest period... and I responded to His call to be salt and light in the media industry... even though my heart wasn't right with God at that time...

But our Lord is merciful indeed - He richly blesses all those who call upon Him! :) So found myself doing multimedia stuff in increasingly bigger portions... doing MM for tertiary service advertisements... then doing MM for Alpha, an evangelistic programme... thank God for the bros and sisters who did a great job in working on the MM... unforgettable! :D now doing MM for Christmas service at Kallang Theatre this year... wow! God really is good - and He has turned my heart around too... I'm increasingly finding more and more joy in serving backstage in a way... yup, really want to be a servant of God, because even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and give His life as a ransom for many.

Hee hee... I remember Guanrui sharing about how God inspired him to create an encouragement banner during exam revision period, you know, that one that said in BIG BLOCK LETTERS: "LORD IS WITH US". Yup... think can understand how he feels - hee hee, it's really thrilling when God gives you an inspiration, an exciting idea... yeah! hi-five~ Daddy for what He's done!

Felt my heart renewed, realigned to God. :D Reminded by the Spirit to draw strength from Him daily, for apart from Him I can do nothing.

Something that Shirley also shared struck me. She shared about her prayer life, that even when she was very busy, she will take time to pray to God. Not just that, even if her situation didn't change, at least her heart has changed. And that struck me as a very precious truth.

I'm very inspired by Shirley. Something I noticed about her over a long period of time is that she has increasingly this inner sense of tranquility and confidence and strength that clearly comes from a deeply-rooted faith in God and His power, love and grace. It's especially obvious when she is worshipping God... I don't know how, but somehow her face seems to have that "glow" when she is worshipping God. (Seriously... I'm reminded of Acts 6:15 that says, "All who were sitting in the Sanhedrin looked intently at Stephen, and they saw that his face was like the face of an angel.")

A powerful testimony, our countenances! A sober question to ask myself: How many times has my face shone for Christ? The Bible describes Stephen as "a man full of faith and of the Holy Spirit"... how I want my life to be like that too!

Guess, yeah, I am envious of those who walk closer and have a stronger and deeper faith in You... but Lord, transform my heart and my motives. I think very often my heart is like Simon the sorceror who wanted the gift of the Holy Spirit for himself so that people would see Simon do great things and regard him highly.

But God is not pleased with such an attitude. Hmm... I'm thinking of some dear brother in my unit - even though he's younger than me, he strikes me as someone with simple childlike faith in God, eager to practise His Word!

And how I do need to practise God's Word. Yufen was gently correcting me, when I shared with her about my latest crush, that I already know what I need to do, so just go and practise it.

Yup... I want more breakthroughs in my life - I want to PRACTISE GOD'S WORD! So, taking heart from God's promises, let's really go and claim all His promises in His Word, and ACT UPON IT! For no matter how many promises God has made, they are YES in Christ Jesus! And so through Him the "aMeN!" is spoken by us to the glory of God!

Last 3 or 4 weeks in NUS ministry for me... but whether long or short time left in this ministry, we are all serving the same God and Saviour of the world! So let's really OOMPH, let's really PUSH on for JESUS during this Christmas season! Remember, Jesus is the Reason for the Season! Fight against every shred of discouragement with the Word of God! Encourage one another and all the more as you see the Day approaching! Exercise every spiritual gift He has given you to support one another in this push to tell more people about Jesus, and be faithful in prayer too! For where all the best efforts of men fail, just one word from God can touch their hearts!

aMeN?!

Christmas, isn't Christmas
Till it happens in your heart
Somewhere deep inside you
Is where Christmas really starts
So give your heart to Jesus
You find that once you do
It's Christmas, really Christmas
For you...

BTW had sent my personal journal to Peter - it's something I do so that he can know better what's going on in my life and thoughts - and he noticed that I was having another crush again.

Yup... that's me again. Hmm... but thank God for him, he gave me very good advice - don't get so fixed on your crush. There are also other people who need your care and concern too. So I asked him how do I manage my crushes, when I get them, and he shared this verse with me:

Philippians 4:8
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Yes, well, I do feel this inner sigh in me again, when he told me that. But I don't care, I want to be patient and wait for God's perfect timing. :) He's carried me through SO many years of crushes, that I think a few more years isn't too much for Him to sustain me through! :)

Some ways that I manage my thought patterns and contents when I feel v emotional or negative or melancholic are:

1. Sing P&W songs to God... thank God that He's blessed me with an excellent memory for song lyrics, so I need to make much more use of this "MP3 player" that He's installed in my memory... hee hee!

I need to remember this too:

Ephesians 5:19-20
Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

2. Reflect on the good things He has done for me all this while.

3. Enjoy the present moment as a gift from God - one thing about me is that I can become very melancholic and self-absorbed even in the midst of a joyful time... so must discipline myself to be joyful, to celebrate, because the Lord is near! :D

4. Enjoy the company of my friends, family and brothers and sisters.

5. Think joyful thoughts too... noble thoughts... focus on Jesus, and the passion that He has for me... it's ALL ABOUT JESUS, REALLY!

6. Stick with joyful people too. Stay away from gloomy people. It's necessary...

7. Remember this verse:

Nehemiah 8:10
Nehemiah said, "Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is sacred to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength."

Plus, there's an additional incentive too: I remember what Huanyan shared with me before: "If you want to bless others, sometimes the best way to bless them is simply have a joyful spirit!" I think that's very true... :) Thanks bro!

Yup yup... additional advice always welcome too!

Marathon Days

Just came back from shepherding. Feeling very gloomy - thank God for Peter who bears patiently with me when I'm very sleepy and tired.

Was ranting to God on my way back - "God, why did You make me like this? Why am I so emotional? Why do I feel so tired, etc., become so confused? Why can't I control my thoughts and emotions when I'm tired, etc.? Why do I have this weakness?" I thought about people who tell me that I need to control... yes... I know. I wish you were me. I try my best... and frankly, I feel alone in this struggle to direct my thoughts and attention. On a good day, when I'm well-rested, it's much, much easier to do so. But on a day when I don't have enough sleep and am frustrated in trying to solve a problem e.g. work, ministry, etc. - don't talk to me, don't come near me!

Felt very discouraged and dismayed again. "Of all things", I asked God, "why must I have this ******** weakness?"

Then somehow this story of a father and his son came to my mind. This small boy was having a very bad day, in a very grouchy and unhappy mood. He was ranting to his dad, and his dad was patiently listening to him rant. And then the dad took up his son, carried him in his arms and whispered, "Hush, hush... my son."

And this verse came to mind immediately after that story:
"The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."

I felt very touched, and somehow, I felt that God was speaking to me through that story and verse... that He was reminding me that He already knows my weaknesses... that I'm very grouchy and easily disoriented and confused without sleep (and especially so, when I go into the working world - I WILL be tested heavily in this area)... and when I come face-to-face with situations that directly test my weaknesses, that's the moment when He will take me up into His arms, and whisper, "Hush hush..." to me.

He carries me when I have no more strength to carry on.

Deuteronomy 33:27
The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms.

*******
In fact, that's what the Bible has been saying all along, both in the Old Testament and the New Testament... that cursed is the one who depends on flesh for his own strength... but blessed is the one who depends on the LORD his God for strength. That's the way the Kingdom of God works - look to God for His strength to grow into the person that - not I - but He wants me to be.

I know that, by myself, I can't be an emotionally stable person on my own. But in Christ, as I pray to Him daily... I have faith, that in one way or another, He will transform me into the man that He wants me to be. Somehow, some way, He'll do it. But I just need to keep my eyes fixed on Him, the Author and Perfecter of my faith. And to keep running on.

I guess, that's what you might call a marathon day - days when you feel like you're running a marathon in the middle, and you're not smiling anymore and feeling like kicking the guy in front of you AND behind you... yup, just press on, take a look at Jesus and all His saints and angels cheering you on, and feel the joy come back into your heart, mind and legs.

:) Keep running for Jesus! :D

December Days - prayer as a privilege

Was adding to my calendar to pray for Claramae's job interview next Tuesday, when it struck me that I was actually making an appointment to pray for someone... before I became a Christian, such a thing wouldn't have crossed my mind, even though I was raised in a Christian family.

Had earlier on read this Crosswalk.com article about the importance of praying for our preachers, for protecting those who share the Gospel. And I thought about our prayers for the Christmas outreach, and for our leaders too. Who knows how many leaders have been saved from falling away or falling down, simply because a caring bro or sister took time to get down on his/her knees in prayer? The devil does not fear prayerless religion, but when we get down to prayer, whoa, Jesus Himself said that whatever we bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever we loose on earth, shall be loosed in heaven! aMeN! And He shall build His church, and the gates of Hades shall NOT PREVAIL against it!

Prayer is an extremely powerful weapon. It can be considered both a strategic and a tactical weapon too - strategic as in capable of demolishing spiritual strongholds that hold sway over entire nations and continents, or tactical as in supporting a spiritual skirmish in which we share the Gospel with a lost friend or family member. Wow.

I recommend this excellent book by Ed Silvoso on prayer evangelism: "That None Should Perish", and Pastor Jim Cymbala's "Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire", on the power of prayer. And while you're at it - get Brother Yun's book, "The Heavenly Man", a gripping account of a Chinese Christian in today's China - the testimony of how he walked out of a max-security prison with TWO broken legs at the busiest hour of the day is simply an amazing testimony of the power of God when we pray and believe Him to do great and mighty things! aMeN!

(BTW you can get them from Hope Resources while stocks last! Disclaimer: I'm not serving in Hope Resources... I'm just one blessed customer. ;))

Oh yah, so what about prayer as a privilege? It just struck me that when I first received Christ, it really was so thrilling to realise that I now have connection to the Father, and that I really can ask Jesus for anything in His name, and He'll do it! After many years, however, prayer can seem very stale... Lord, I don't want ever to lose that freshness of joy, of the thrill in being able to touch heaven, Your face, when we pray and ask in Jesus' mighty name.

An old spiritual "fight song", but powerful as ever:

In the name of Jesus
In the name of Jesus
We have the victory! (AMEN!)
In the name of Jesus
In the name of Jesus
Demons will have to flee! (AMEN!)

When we stand on the name of Jesus
Tell me who can stand before
In the mighty name of Jesus
We have the victory!

Was very tired today, after rushing my part for the Christmas MM. Tired, spiritually hungry - only went through today's verse for the F&P for Christmas outreach. Didn't feel like reading the Bible - tried to, but couldn't focus. Fell asleep while reading the Bible.

Then woke up and went down at midnight to the Senior Citizen's void deck to spend some quiet time - prompted by the verse: "Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest."

Jesus is so sweet. :)

Had a really wonderful quiet time, just being still, admiring the beauty of the night, and the fresh breeze that comes just before it's going to rain. Meditated on today's F&P verse. Think God spoke a lot to me through that time of meditation - I had some fresh new insights and somehow, I felt my heart aligning back to Jesus' heart - His heart of compassion.

I've been praying for myself to grow in care and consideration for others - this is a weakness of my character. Thank God for my dear, dear shep who has been faithfully and consistently pointing out this area of my life to me, and encouraging me to pray for myself in this area.

I don't know how, but the more I spent that time with Jesus, I felt my heart being increasingly stirred to have compassion for the poor and needy. I think something very much that Jesus wants to see me grow, specifically for me, is to grow in compassion for the PHYSICAL needs of others.

I think a lot of us Christians, especially in the more developed countries, tend to focus a lot more on the spiritual needs of people. While that is true and important - I mean, this is going to affect the ETERNITIES of people, the Bible also stresses equal emphasis on meeting the PHYSICAL needs of people, both in the Old Testament and the New Testament. James wrote that it's no use wishing a poor Christian to be warm and well-fed if we don't do anything. And likewise, Jesus went around doing good and healing people and feeding the hungry multitudes.

This is in contrast to the dualistic (Greek/Gnostic) notion of the soul being more important than the body. Such a view runs counter to the Judeo-Christian perspective of the sacredness of the human body -

1 Cor 6:19-20
"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body."

Think, then, this is not so much of which one is more important - physical or spiritual. Actually, it seems that both are equally precious in His eyes - in fact Jesus says that if we fed a hungry brother or gave him water or visited him when he was sick in this lifetime, we did it for JESUS HIMSELF, and He'll never ever forget what we've done in this lifetime for all eternity.

Matthew 25
31"When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. 32All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. 33He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.

34"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'

37"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'

40"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

41"Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. 42For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, 43I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.'

44"They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?'

45"He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'

46"Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life."

So what practical application point for me then?

I think one way that I can grow in compassion for others is to practise being more sensitive to the physical conditions of others. Like how Jesus noticed that His disciples needed rest after being so busy in preaching that they did not even have time to eat. That is something I'm really weak in, but my God is mighty to change me. :)

I NEED to get off my butt - I've finished my studies. What does Jesus want me to do now? I'm still wondering - but one thing for sure - I really want to seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and He'll meet all my needs, both physical and spiritual, in His perfect timing. :)

Just to add on to my previous post:

This thought came to my mind just now. I think God allowed this to happen, for me to forget to contact the person in charge, because He wants to show me, to bring to light, to expose the true depths of my character - and most importantly, to test and show me what is my TRUE response when my faults and sins are brought into the light.

Hmm... I remember what Ps Jeff said during the Alpha camp earlier this year on overcoming evil:
"God tests us to help us pass; the devil tempts us to make us fail!"

So, from that experience, I see how much I tend to make excuses for my behaviours and attitudes, instead of accepting responsibility for them.

For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.

Will I go the way of King Saul, who said, "They sinned - not me!", or will I respond like King David, "I sinned - no one else!"

*******
I always love Psalm 51 - I think it's one of the most beautiful psalms in the Bible. I always turn to this psalm when I feel crushed, disappointed, guilty, condemned... because it reminds me to own up to the Judge of all Ages, to confess everything... so that I may receive mercy and grace to help me in my time of need.

Psalm 51
For the choir director: A psalm of David, regarding the time Nathan the prophet came to him after David had committed adultery with Bathsheba.

1 Have mercy on me, O God,
because of your unfailing love.
Because of your great compassion,
blot out the stain of my sins.
2 Wash me clean from my guilt.
Purify me from my sin.
3 For I recognize my rebellion;
it haunts me day and night.
4 Against you, and you alone, have I sinned;
I have done what is evil in your sight.
You will be proved right in what you say,
and your judgment against me is just.
5 For I was born a sinner—
yes, from the moment my mother conceived me.
6 But you desire honesty from the womb,
teaching me wisdom even there.

And it never fails to make me cry when I read this part - so desperate is his spirit:

7 Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
8 Oh, give me back my joy again;
you have broken me—
now let me rejoice.
9 Don’t keep looking at my sins.
Remove the stain of my guilt.
10 Create in me a clean heart, O God.
Renew a loyal spirit within me.
11 Do not banish me from your presence,
and don’t take your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and make me willing to obey you.

How good God is!

16 You do not desire a sacrifice, or I would offer one.
You do not want a burnt offering.
17 The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit.
You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.

To remind myself:

In future, when making appointments/booking for equipment and I need to cancel it, I die-die must let the person in charge know, by hook or by crook!

Frustrated at my own stupidity and irresponsibility. I'm so sorry Jesus.

*******
Reflection:
Every inch of me was crying out to make an excuse, to shift the blame on someone else. Even now I find myself trying to make excuses. God, the struggle against accepting responsibility for my own faults and failings is really hard, especially at times like this. Even now, I still don't like the fact that I sin - I struggle to accept the basic fact that I will sin, even when I don't want to.

It's moments like these that makes me want to cry out in anger against myself, asking God why I did such irresponsible things, and I wish I didn't make any mistakes, period.

"Search me, O God, and know my heart,
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting."

But I need to remember that I must accept what the Bible says about me, not only what is pleasant, but what I need to hear - that I am a sinner, who has sinned and fall short of God's perfect standards - and am justified freely by Christ's blood for me on the cross.

Yet, there's this cry in my heart to be put right with God, a cry for perfection, a cry to be good, a cry to be holy, pure and blameless.

How I wish I was fully there! Yet...

Put your sadness aside, get up, and remember his forgiveness, YA. Move on, fix your eyes on Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of your faith...

Remember! In your struggle against sin, you haven't yet resisted to the point of spilling your blood. And you've forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons: "My son, do not make light of the LORD's discipline, and do not lose heart when He rebukes you, for the LORD disciplines those He loves, and He punishes everyone He accepts as a son."

So don't be stumbled; just get up and run on again. Remember, all this is because of Jesus - and He chose to use a very imperfect person like me.

:)

Was intending to blog about something else, but a thought just struck me. Call it an epiphany, if you will... :)

Hmm... was exchanging messages with a dear bro just now, and I reflected on my spirit, and the tone of my words, and wondered whether he understands where I'm coming from, my heart and intentions. Frankly, I'm worried that he might misunderstand - all the more since it's just words that we are exchanging over SMS - which lend themselves too well to misunderstandings.

I wonder what the Bible says exactly about all these daily situations and things - now not only for myself, but also, how do I communicate and explain to him the principles of the Bible clearly in a way that he can understand, consideration of an appropriate time to share, etc.

Frankly, it's been quite scary, this responsibility to help feed my younger bro God's Word in a good way - it's all so easy for me to fall into the trap of stuffing him full of Bible verses without giving him time to digest and understand. I'm scared that I'll stuff him too full, and so scare him off.

And God knows how impatient I can be. But very thankful for His wonderful grace to me, even in my halting, stumbling attempts (trembling on the inside, really unsure if what I'm sharing is relevant to him), he said thanks for being so patient in explaining to him. (It really warmed my heart when he said that.) Think it's really a miracle, because I know that this must be the work of the Holy Spirit in me, because by nature, I really am not a patient person at all. (Just ask my family!)

Hmm... I think it's also starting to reach that stage where, after spending quite a bit of time together, we start knowing each other better. Sometimes we know more than we want to know. Personally, I think we're reaching that stage where we wonder about each other, "Why (fill in your favourite phrase here) is he doing that kind of thing?" That point where subtle irritations start taking on that extra edge. Think that point is where Satan sees the opportunity to strike and sow seeds of discord, stopping the friendship from going deeper.

But again, the Word of Christ alerts and defends us against these divisive tactics of the devil. "Love one another... pray for one another... bear with each other... forgive each other as the Lord forgave you..."

Think it's also a priceless time of experiences. Experiences of groping your way along in the dark as you try to figure out what to say next, as you try to understand and relate with the other bro, as you desperately try to sense God's leading when to share and when NOT to share. And sometimes experiences of learning just to relax, trust in God and not worry so much for him.

*******
Oh, and the epiphany?

Well, it was this: There will be times that, for all my best efforts, I fail, and make a Very Stupid Mistake in taking care of him. And Jesus would have forseen that already, way, way in advance.

And 1 Corinthians 2:1-4 came to mind as I was writing just now:

"When I came to you, brothers, I did not come with eloquence or superior wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God.

For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. (I think what I learnt from this verse was that I should resolve to keep the message of Christ simple and clear, as I share with him.)

I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. (Amen... That is what I so feel now.)

My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power,

so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power."

What a relief and joy it is to know that He knows that I would have made all these mistakes, and yet, He actually chose to choose me.

John 15:16
You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit — fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name.

Wow...

Just feel so burdened again in my heart for the younger bros and sisters. Some are doing well, others are not - but still, feel the ache, the longing to see them grow to be all they can be in Christ.

I wonder why I have this ache in the heart. I think I can identify with the apostle Paul and his friends when he wrote to the young church at Thessalonica:

As apostles of Christ we could have been a burden to you, but we were gentle among you, like a mother caring for her little children. We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us...

So when we could stand it no longer, we thought it best to be left by ourselves in Athens. ... For this reason, when I could stand it no longer, I sent Timothy to find out about your faith. I was afraid that in some way the tempter might have tempted you and our efforts might have been useless.

Sigh... I really don't know how, Lord. My heart really wants to see the younger ones safely growing in the Word of God... taking root... enfolded into the fellowship... feel like crying for them. Just feel so deeply for them, Father... how big Your heart is for them. And my heart is so small, just a tiny tiny tiny grain of sand, as compared to Your heart, so BIG! For You so loved the world, that You gave Your one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life.

I wish I shared Your heart, Your burden for the lost. Lord, my heart is really not as big as Yours, but I know that as I continue walking with You, I pray that You'll open my eyes bigger and bigger to be like Yours... eyes of compassion, eyes of love. In Jesus' name, Father, I pray amen.

And remember my brothers and sisters! Help them grow stronger and more secure and more joyful in You too during the holidays! Thanks Lord! :D

December Days - delightful disturbances

Ha, seems like my titles are getting awfully alliterative. Alas, alack! poor Yorick, i did knew him well.

Stumbled upon a stick-figure version of Hamlet. :) Check it out!



Went down to Nexus today. Bought a book by Joyce Meyer: "Approval Addiction: Overcoming your need to please everyone". Think it's very timely, am reading through it now. Think God has been impressing on my heart very strongly the past few days about having faith in Him that He loves me - nay, more than that - delights in me, and will help me through.

Very timely... because I'm getting very convicted about the need to have faith in Him. "The righteous shall live by faith." From my QT, from the teachings, from the sermons, from books, from here and there... I keep hearing Him tell me to have faith in Him. But why are all these things talking about faith in particular? I'm puzzled, but yet, I think He has something in store for me when I cross over, and He wants me to exercise faith in Him for such a time and place like this. Perhaps I'll face a lot of challenges to my faith, both in church and outside the church, and He knows my heart, and wants to push me on to breakthrough and grow further.

Hmm... pensive, yeah? But honestly, I'd say this is a delightful divine "disturbance", and I must have faith in His word that He loves me unconditionally... and has a wonderful plan for me (and not just me, but for everyone who will believe in His Son, Jesus Christ). To humbly believe, and not let pride rule in my heart, else Christ can't do many miracles in our lives. Thank God for the sermon yesterday. Very convicted and cried. Asked Him to stretch my faith. I know He will... in fact He was waiting for me to pray that prayer! :)

*******
Oh yeah, blessed birthdays, Shirley, Clara and Jason! :) And to my dad too (tho I think he'll not be reading this blog). =)

December Days - discovery of myself

Thank God, feel much better now. :D It really is a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer. Actually was feeling quite down because of a friend - seriously, find it very hard to relate to this friend at times. Thought about it, felt guilty because I think it's my own fault actually.

But I think Jesus would have me get up and move on again. I mean, He doesn't condemn me; rather, He'd just have me look up to Him for His approval. After all, at the end of time, what really counts is His approval. :)

Hee! :) Oh, am talking now with an ex-NUS friend... quite touched, actually, by what he shared with me... quite a surprise, since I didn't expect him to suddenly msg me out of the blue. But oh yah, he's a working professional now, so hopefully can get to know him deeper too! :) God works in wonderful ways... aMeN!

December Days - dwelling

Oh no, I'm dwelling, Lord... again!

Actually, been sitting in bed since last night and just thinking about a lot of things swirling around in my mind. I really don't like dwelling, yet I keep wanting to have a sense of closure. But sometimes, it's like those recursive loops in a program that keeps on going on and on the deeper you go. You can't break out of it.

But there is a way... just hand over all the mess in your mind to Jesus, and let Him resolve it for you. Like a student handing over his half-completed, uncompilable and buggy program to his lab TA, I've decided to hand over the mess in my mind to Jesus for Him to settle.

I keep on wrestling with a lot of guilt in my heart. But that is where I really need to claim the promise of God's forgiveness - "if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

Think God just rebuked me strongly from the Bible. To be honest, I don't feel like responding, but when was faith ever about having the "right" feelings?

Jesus Predicts His Death
From that time on Jesus began to explain to his disciples that he must go to Jerusalem and suffer many things at the hands of the elders, chief priests and teachers of the law, and that he must be killed and on the third day be raised to life.

Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him. "Never, Lord!" he said. "This shall never happen to you!"

Jesus turned and said to Peter, "Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men." (I think He was rebuking me here for dwelling in self-pity.)

Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life[h] will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul? For the Son of Man is going to come in his Father's glory with his angels, and then he will reward each person according to what he has done. I tell you the truth, some who are standing here will not taste death before they see the Son of Man coming in his kingdom."

Thinking again about what Peter told me before: "Be real with God in your prayers. Don't be religious. Just be real."

Mm. I know what I need to do now. (I think.)

December Days - the crossing-over II

Feeling quite melancholic at the moment, just thinking about the advice Shirley gave me regarding my transition to Adults ministry. Felt half-excited, half-sad. The advice is good, really good... :) really thank God for a wise sister like her! It really helped me narrow down my decisions. Tomorrow I'm meeting my shepherd. Shall share with him what I learnt yesterday, and see what he says. Then Claramae on Monday, and if possible, Alan Tea on Tuesday. I really need a lot of advice, because I really lack wisdom, but the Bible says in Proverbs 15:22 that "Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed."

Some of the things that Shirley shared with me struck me: "This will be a new phase of growth for you." and it's not healthy for me to stay too long in the NUS ministry, partly because the younger brothers and sisters are less likely to challenge me - which would stunt me from learning more things and growing. A learning spirit... how I really want to have a hungry spirit before God to learn and grow in understanding and wisdom.

It just struck me, while listening to the affirmations for Shirley and Claramae, that I could have chased them for more advice on many, many more things. Wasted opportunities to seize every learning opportunity! But, I shall not look back... for I'm grateful for the things that they have already told me before, and shall carry this hungry spirit to learn over to the Adults ministry, by God's grace.

Treasure every little seed of wisdom; seize every moment to learn something new everyday. There is always a treasure of wisdom and understanding if only we are discerning enough to keep a sharp eye out for opportunities to learn, especially with the Holy Spirit's help and guidance.

Proverbs 14:6 "The mocker seeks wisdom and finds none, but knowledge comes easily to the discerning."

My tooth was on fire again just now, after some food got stuck in its cavity. Thank God for the toothpick that was on hand. (Now you know why I've been recently asking for toothpicks regularly.) I have YET to see the dentist. The cavity is starting to look ugly. :(

Reflected - it's a sign of my tendency to procrastinate - a weakness of mine. Somehow I like to put things off till the last minute, and honestly, it's a daily battle to put to death this aspect of my character/personality. 'Cos it's not something that I'm proud of, and God doesn't want me to be like this.

Yet, I'm grateful to Him for His grace... somehow, He knows this weakness in my character - wonder if I'm those late-bloomer types. Probably... I only started learning to talk when I was 4 or 5 years old. Remember very clearly my trying to understand language, but everything sounded gibberish to me. Not sure if that's a form of aphasia or something like that? Then one miraculous day, I learnt to talk. And the floodgates of heaven opened. :) Haha...

He's saved my skin many many times. I struggle with a lot of things, and yet He's given me so much grace. People have been kinder to me than I deserve, even in Army, and I'm amazed, wondering why.

But, because of that love He has given me so freely, it compels me to want to push on, even when I fail and lose face, push on that little bit longer and harder for Him. Reminded of how Shuyi encouraged me to give my best for Jesus while we were running together in the marathon, and I was thinking about Jesus looking at me, and the T-shirt that I was wearing... just kept me going on, and pushing that little more.

Oh yeah, that reminds me. :) I checked my position in the 10km division for the Standard Chartered Marathon, and realised that I'm in the first 35% of the runners for that division. Hee, I'm quite encouraged actually, and it spurs me on to want to push harder for Jesus next time. :)

Oh yah, my tooth. Some day I'll get it pulled out. As of now, I'm brushing it extra. Intend to keep my tooth as long as possible. Sentimental value, my tooth - it's been part of me for a long time leh...

December Days - the crossing-over

Hmm... 3 am. Later I'll be meeting Shirley to talk with her about my moving on to Adults ministry. And meeting Alan Tea next week to do a DISC test (it's some personality test, useful for helping me know myself better).

Think it's been, like what Robert said before, "full circle". God has been good to me indeed, even during my darkest days, and I think I've grown closer to God and gotten to know His character and heartbeat, in a very tiny, tiny way, a little more. :) And I've also learnt how to draw closer to people, and really for the first time in my life, found brothers and sisters whom I can be really close with... friends are really a gift from God! I've learnt to lean upon God in prayer, even when I don't understand, and to treasure His words more... to take stronger ownership of my life, joyfully pressing on towards the prize... discovered more strengths and talents... think God has blessed me with a new spiritual gift... discovering a little more what His calling for my life is... discovering my passion for media, coupled with my professor's commendation... learning more about how to find my future spouse God's way...

and perhaps, the best thing of all: "Love God. And love His people." :) If there's only one thing that managed to get into my head (and hopefully, into my heart), i do hope these two commandments have drilled themselves into the thick skull of my head and thick walls of my heart.

There are so many things God has blessed me with during these 4 years of NUS ministry... it's not just spiritual things, but also intellectually and socially, etc. Enjoyed the Comms and New Media programme that I took... learnt to think deeper... discovered my analytical side... got to work with children... and with people very fascinating and different from me... to meet with people from very different cultures... made dear friends from other countries... got to help out as an OGL for the first time in my life...

Hmm... I think if there's any regrets that I really really have... it would have been not being willing to respond to whatever I've been challenged to do, letting my pride make me stay in my own comfort zone instead of responding to Christ's challenges.

That's it. But what an it! I remember one of my greatest disappointments is that when my CL asked me to lead a group discussion, due to my fears of not being able to come up with a good set of discussion questions, I didn't do it in the end, and so a sister had to fill in the gap. Think that really was a very sad experience for me - because I never got the chance again.

But one of the most important lessons that I learnt is this: "Get up and move on again." Thank God for my dear shepherd, Peter, who kept on telling me this, reminding and rebuking me whenever I started dwelling in worldly sorrow.

Philippians 3:12-14:
Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

And what Weizhu and Peter told me before: To humbly accept the fact that I have sinned. I sin. And will sin. :) But just get up and keep walking.

And not just keep walking on, but to become more and more aware of when I am going to sin. That's maturity... being wiser, learning from my past mistakes and weaknesses.

And the things that I have already overcome... to help others with what I do know and have... as what WZ shared with me: "Only let us live up to what we have already attained."

And the verse to use to guard against thinking of myself too highly... "Do not think of yourselves more highly than you ought to..."

And what Hanhui told me about experiencing the grace of God, and God's grace being the key motivating factor behind everything we do... and Peter's "I do all this, because of Jesus."

And during my darkest, most despondent moments last year - Sijia's and Peter's corrections: "Seek God earnestly for healing..." and "Put your hope in God. You've tried so hard, again and again - and have failed. You can't do it on your own. So put your hope in God."

And the words that God spoke to me... so real, so deep! Jeremiah 29:31... "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart, and I WILL BE FOUND BY YOU," declares the LORD...

To have an eager heart to want to learn... to be willing to be corrected by my leaders... Peter again: "You need to have a broken spirit before God!"

Alpha 2006 - the harvest of souls! The time of MM and intense ministry... I really cannot forget the wonderful shared moments... the dear brothers and sisters whom I got to serve with... Shunrong. Jits. Edmund. Nic. Joseph. Huili. Dorling. Swee Leong. Huanyan. Hongyao. Timothy. Ellson. Wenjiang. Guanzhen... and more! So many memories, so many joys...

*******

And a new phase of my life is coming up. It's time to pack up and cross the next "Jordan River" of my life into the Promised Land.

Hmm... I see these last few weeks as a final sprint to the end of this lap of my life, the NUS lap. I want to push on to give my very best for Jesus, no turning back! To prepare myself in fasting and prayer for the next lap - for it will be a long, long lap. To brush up on skills. To train my brain. To learn more about myself during this time. Direction? Calling? Where to go? Which job? Etc.

Peter told me that this time of crossing over to Adults ministry would be like that D-Day beach landing scene in Saving Private Ryan. Some won't make it across the water. Others will make it, only to get pinned down by enemy fire. Yet others will move on, only to be surprised by the minefields. But by God's grace, we'll establish the next beachhead. :)

So I need to don the armour of God for this difficult time. "Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand."

To have joy, for the joy of the Lord is my strength.

To pray and pray earnestly, that my faith may not fail.

To encourage others who are making the crossing.

And whatever else happen, stick to Jesus!

December Days - what does true love feel like? :)

Wow, it's been quite a while since I've blogged. Guess you can see that my exams are finally over. PRAISE GOD!!!

Very thankful to God for the past one month. It's really been a great joy and learning experience, because I got to experience God's grace, bless others, and learn more about myself during this time. Reminded and renewed about joy in the Lord, joy of learning, joy of living, joy of this and that... =)

Exams, Standard Chartered marathon (ok, it was 10 km lah...), doing Christmas MM... think quite a few bros and sisters have waxed lyrical about the joys of studying together, notably Huanyan the Security Guard, Guanrui the Banner Man and Flince the Mugger. Go read their blogs... I too lazy to type. Haha!

Oh, the title of this post? Read more below... ;)

*******
Came back earlier from doing Christmas MM with ZW at his hall room. I'm really so blessed by this dear bro - he really blessed my socks off! He offered to help me with the Christmas MM, and even sponsored the firewire cable that we needed for downloading the videos from the camera onto his computer. Wow... very touched by his eager heart to help...

We had a great time of fellowship, and I really have a lot to learn from him, besides his MM skills... his sensitivity for others' feelings, his childlike spirit even when he shares about his difficulties in various areas... (because God doesn't look for perfect people - he looks for humble people!)

Hmm... in retrospect, I think God has changed my heart in this area of taking care of younger Christians. Last time, I regarded taking care of a younger Christian as "I'm older-than-you-so-I-know-more, so come, let me teach you, you-who-know-nothing-much..."

Oh man. My dear old CL made sure that I learnt my lesson well. Thank God for Hanhui! :) I still remember what he shared with us: "Learn to enjoy people, to take delight in them. To just simply love them, enjoy their presence." And another time, he asked me, "Do you relate to them as a brother?"

Yup... think it's what Jesus would have done... the religious people of His day called Him a "friend of sinners"!

His name is Jesus, Jesus
Friend of sinners...

Think such an understanding has thus helped to transform how I see the younger ones now... to be honest, I now really love my CG people as my brothers and sisters in Christ. Really treasure their friendships, their company... And I think that is really how Jesus wants us to love one another. And I really love my shepherd too. :) I was amazed when, while sharing to Bowen some time ago about my shepherd, I found myself starting to cry. Think it really is a great blessing having a mentor who loves you enough to scold you, "because I'm worried for you."

So, what does it really mean to love one another? Because I remember a few years ago, there was this dear brother who shared about his struggle to love the brothers in the CG... he was sincerely trying his best to love others, but didn't know what it really meant to love as God would want him to love. He asked about the part about "loving others even though you don't feel very loving - isn't that being hypocritical?"

Actually, he said the question that I didn't dare say out.

This point from the book "Love Beyond Reason" really helped me understand what it means to love as Jesus would have me love... I think it's a very good test of whether you truly love the other person (especially if that person is very difficult to love!):

Love Delights in and Enjoys the One Who Is Loved
This facet has to do with the heart of the one who loves. When I love you, it is not something I do simply out of duty or obligation.

I remember hearing a Christian speaker say that you should always love your spouse with an in spite of love, never with a because of love - but who wants to be on the receiving end of that? If, when I was proposing to my wife, I had said, "Well, there's certainly nothing about you that any reasonable person could ever warm up to, but because of my noble character I will hold my nose and love you anyweay" the proposing process would not have gone nearly as well as it actually did.

No, when we love someone the mere sight of them causes our eyes to light up... When you see someone you love, it makes your heart glad.

It is very important to remember that God loves us in this way. Some Christian writers have written as if God loves us only in spite of ourselves. Of course there is plenty God has to love us "in spite of." But raggedness is not the whole story about you. As Lewis Smedes put it, it may be a very bad thing that I needed God to die for me, but it is a wonderful thing that God thinks I'm worth dying for. We may be ragged, but we must never confuse raggedness with worthlessness.

God doesn't just love you because he has to, he loves you because he wants to. God delights in you. Of course, that doesn't mean God delights in everything you do. Your own mother doesn't do thta, if she's at all healthy. But the fact that you exist - you, your own self - is very good in God's eyes. God likes to love you.

Hope this sharing blesses you! :)

Very thankful got to bump into Dr. Chung from last semester - we chatted and she mentioned that she really likes the idea that I presented last semester. Asked me to let her know how it goes in future... :) yup yup I will... it's been a real pleasure taking your class, Dr Chung! :)