Hey Beatles!

Listening now to a Beatles CD that I borrowed (thks Shuyi!). Wow... the Beatles really are such an enduring classic. The music and melody really strikes a chord within your heart... the lyrics are especially timeless. Now listening to "Eight Days a Week". Tink my personal fav is "Yellow Submarine" - it's so funny, especially the sound effects of water glubbing and flushing! :)

Any other Beatles fans out there?

Reflection on the scalding experience just now.

I think God wanted to use this experience to make me stop for a while. Pain is a pretty good way of ensuring someone remembers something for a long time.

Think first and foremost, He wanted me to get a good rest. I need it, for my mind's sake too.

Realised that actually a lot of thanksgiving points. Thank God for His mercy that I didn't spill the soup onto my laptop. I would have really cried.

And how my mum came and helped to clean up the mess.

And, well, I don't know what else to make sense of this experience, but I can rest assured that even in this experience, He's working for my good. He showed me just exactly what my spirit was when I reacted.

I was angry towards God, felt quite bitter - why me? And blamed Him for all this trouble.

Oh boy... this really shows just how my heart really is to God. I'm so sorry Jesus. Please forgive me.

Then I remember, He knew that I would have done this all along, even before this happened - and He still accepts and loves me nevertheless.

Spilled HOT soup on my hand. Scalded.
Frustrated! Complained to God, WHY DID YOU MAKE ME LIKE THIS???

Then said sorry to Him. but i'm so frustrated. why? why am i so poor in situational awareness? and social awarenesS?

this is not even a matter of social skills. This is SURVIVAL SKILLS leh.

Was ranting to my shep just now.

He said,
http://sg.geocities.com/peterongnetV2/index.html /// says:
go to sleep
http://sg.geocities.com/peterongnetV2/index.html /// says:
think u need to rest liao

Yah. that's true. I need to rest. He made me in need of rest. Like what Jitsy said, she realised that she's basically not very functional when she doesn't have much sleep.

Same here too. In fact, most people wouldn't be functional without sleep, I guess.

Sleep... humility in action I think. Acknowledging via this action that we are only human, after all, creatures of clay.

"For dust you are, and to dust you shall return."

And the sooner I acknowledge this truth of my mortality, the sooner I can really live.

Well, still won't go to sleep so soon. Still rushing my assignment. But... I will sleep asap.

WAH. I really feel quite...

Thank You Lord for the 2 corrections that I got today, even though I felt very paiseh. I keep repeating the same kind of mistakes.

Both are in the area of social appropriateness.

This is something that I really wish, to be honest, I didn't have to struggle with so much. The things that I do sometimes really are very inappropriate and may make pple feel quite weird or uncomfortable.

God, I wonder why I'm like that? Please help me grow... I think it's through these corrections that I learn to grow. But I do need to train and force myself to double-think how others will feel. It just doesn't come naturally to me.

But as always, I remember I have been praying that You will help me grow in social maturity, and these corrections are part and parcel of Your discipline, of how You are answering my prayers. Still so much to learn, still so much to grow in.

Thank You for the grace that You show me when I really make a fool of myself. That it's brothers and sisters who are the ones pointing out my idiocies, and as a result of that, I find myself reaping the benefits socially when it comes to relating with those outside the church. Thank You for showing me my weaknesses, and most of all, Your incredible patience with me. I'm really very slow to learn, but I know You will teach and mature me. Thank You Daddy.

Bird-watching at HQ

One should be at HQ at this time of the day. It's so fascinating to see how two mynahs - I've seen them do this routine for the past 2 or 3 years - keep coming to HQ at 6.30 am precisely. They hop around underneath the benches and look for food to eat.

Isn't it sweet how our heavenly Daddy feeds them each morning? :) There's so much to learn from their simplicity, how they trust their Creator every morning without worrying - childlike chirps of "Good morning, God!" as they hop around. Songs of joy in the morning.

Not like me, who grunts "Why me, God?" every time I have to wake up, as I crawl around. Worried heart in the morning.

"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"

Oh, one mynah just hopped onto the top of the bench next to me. I love mynahs. I think they're intelligent and can be quite friendly. :)

Thank You for the birds, Daddy. :) There's so much to learn from their simplicity - what You've created to bring us joy and pleasure.

From Ps Jeff's blog - "Areas of Personal Growth"

Think it's very meaningful! Just want to share this with you guys:

*******
From Pastor Jeff's blog (http://jeffchong.blogspot.com/):

I taught about growing like Jesus had grown while he was on planet earth. We need to be intentional, and not left it to be accidental, in our growth. Although Jesus was sinless, he still continued to grow from strength to strength and glory to greater glory. Thus as his followers, we need to follow in his steps.

We learnt from Luke 2:52 about Jesus’ development.

Luke 2:52
And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men.

The four areas of Jesus growth were as follows…

1)We Need To Grow In Our Mental Capability

Jesus grew in wisdom. He developed his mental capability and capacity. We need to love God with our mind. We need to be reading more, spending more time to reflect and asking questions to people who are ahead of us in certain areas of our lives.

2)We Need To Grow In Our Physical Health

Jesus also developed in his physical stature. We need to watch our diet as well as exercise regularly. Being sick and sluggish is not honoring God with our bodies.

3)We Need To Grow In Our Spiritual Being

To grow in favor with God is basically to have a stronger and closer relationship with Him. When we have a close relationship with God, it will affect all other areas of our lives.

4)We Need To Grow In Our Social Life

Lastly, Jesus grew in favor with men as well. To love God and to love people are the greatest commandments for our lives. We need to be developing closer relationship with people inside and outside (at this moment) of the Kingdom.

All of us who are Christ-followers need to be intentional and deliberate in developing these growth areas in our lives.

May Christ-likeness be formed in us more and more.

From Ellson's blog - "rem wat u are good at..."

Wow, thank God! :D He hears my heart's questions... Came across Ellson's blog entry, and it really encouraged me a lot. =)

BTW FYI for those who dunno who Ellson is, Ellson's one of the careleaders in the NUS ministry, and he's been a real Godsend to me - he's the one who egged me on to train up pple to take over me in the NUS MM ministry. Very thankful to God for this dear bro, who has helped push me to grow and to max my potential for Christ in my life!!!

*******

rem wat you are good at...
according to research... in US, nearly 85% of the people felt that they could work harder on the job. and more than half of them claimed that they could double their effectiveness if they wanted to... why you ask? it is because very few people are working in their areas of strength. who likes to work in the area of weakness.. duh! yupz... that's why we must always asking ourselves wat are our strength... wat are the things that we are good in.... and then to remind ourselves of it.. so that we can continuously improving ourselves in those areas!!

there are some of the strength my cg ppl possesses
jiadai - energetic...
guan - willingness...
eric - detailed...
gx - gifted in writings...
ven - simple child-like faith...
ruisi - dancing...
kaili - "can do" spirit...

we all have so much in us... so much that we can offer to God... wat's yours...

NUS100... you are with me?

How can I find my passion?

Was talking with two friends - one online, and the other offline - just now at HQ. We talked about our passions and what our strengths were.

To S.: Encouraged by your sharing. :) Sorry if I talked too long... :P it's one weakness of mine. Can really learn from how you listen! =)

*******
After that time at HQ, realised that I went and fell into one old weakness again. Felt guilty and ashamed because of that. All too often I am preachy, not understanding and impatient. And I'm reminded - self-pity too! How many people have to bear with my overbearing spirit! So went into the loo and prayed in the Spirit.

Really thank God for how He comforts and encourages me everytime I feel so guilty and ashamed of all the wrong things I've done, the weaknesses that I struggle with. Was reminded of what I learnt in one sermon - Alan Tea's sermon I think: "God thinks the best of us regardless of what we think of ourselves."

Wah... it's always such a comfort and encouragement. Kept praying in the Spirit... one thing I love about praying in the Spirit is that the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.

It's so true. At that point in time, I really don't know what to say - the accusations that I hear in my mind are true - I have this weakness, this sin that I struggle with... all of the accuser's claims are true. And I don't know what to say.

But thank God so much! We have One who speaks to the Father in our defence - Jesus Christ, the Righteous One. Even though the accusations are all true, Jesus steps up, and intercedes for me. He is at the right hand of the throne of God, and is constantly interceding for us. "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?"

So when I prayed in the Spirit, somehow He helped sort out my mind, and encouraged me that all is not lost. He guided my prayers, and enabled me to think more towards the truth. "But we have the mind of Christ."

I always treasure all these times when He picks me up again, and sets my mind back on the right track. To think more and more like Christ... to act more and more like Christ... to be more and more like Christ - that is my heart's dream and desire!!!

Waves of mercy, waves of grace
Everywhere I go I see Your face
Your love has captured me
Oh my God this love, how can it be?

*******
So after praying, thought about this question: How can I find my passion? How do I realise what I was truly created to do?

Think just want to expand on what I shared with Shuyi. Feel free to contribute or correct me if you think I got something wrong or left something out - want to hear from you!

PASSION
Was thinking. How can one discover what you are truly good at? Think it's this: Any kind of work that you feel a lot of pleasure and joy in doing. Now, no stupid jokes here please. I'm talking more along the lines of purposeful work. But not just that, you love the work for its own sake. From the Christian's perspective - you feel God's pleasure when you do it.

Like Eric Liddell said in Chariots of Fire: “I believe that God made me for a purpose. And He also made me fast. And when I run, I feel His pleasure.”

Here's a missionary who knew God's true calling on his life. To obey Christ's Great Commission as a missionary, but not only that. He lived out God's pleasure in his life. Purpose and Pleasure... we can't separate these two elements from our lives.

There's this old Hasidic Jewish tradition that says that a man should put one stone in his right pocket, and another stone in his left pocket. Written on one stone is: You are just one grain out of billions upon billions of grains of sand in this universe. And the other stone says: I made this universe especially for you."

*******
I'm thinking about Ruey Fong here. He's a brother who really sets an example for me in finding joy in his work. He clearly knows what God made him as - as someone who really enjoys solving problems and has a quick brain for finding out the answers. So that's why he's working as an engineer.

We really can't put on false humility and say that I don't have much strength. True, to whom much is given, much is expected, and as someone exclaimed - to others LITTLE is given!

But the "little" that is given to some is, like, ten million bucks. That is the SHEER GOODNESS OF GOD!!! His "little" is incredibly BIG. Every human has the potential to make a difference. A Down's Syndrome kid? He can impact one life with God's love. I should know - I'm one of those who have been impacted by a young man with Down's Syndrome. And God knows how many "smart" people out there have NOT made a good impact as they should have. They waste, they fritter... I wonder how God's heart burns when He sees their lives and talents being wasted away.

And I think about how He sees me. Oh God. I think it's a good thing that I can't always feel how He sees me. I think I would ... drop dead, so great is His heart and feelings for me. Especially when I grieve His Spirit.

How can one sense His pleasure? Maybe when we humbly recognise and acknowledge the good things He has given us. When we love to do these things alone, by ourselves, with only Daddy as our witness, our audience.

It's that smell of pleasure when you bake an excellent cake, and you can FEEL Him right next to you, smelling together with you - "a fragrant aroma, pleasing to the Lord".

It's that exhilaration that you feel when you run a race and finish it.

It's that sense of victory when you lead a group to victory.

It's that thrill that runs up and down your spine when you write a beautiful poem.

It's that joy that quivers in your very being when you dance.

It's that smile in your heart when you see little children running up to you.

Maybe you're not the best dancer on the planet. Maybe you're not the best writer in the world. Maybe you're not the finest artist this side of the earth. Maybe.

But don't limit God by what you see right now.

The thing is, if you feel this thrill, this divine pleasure in your heart, and others (those you know who are wiser and more mature) can see that you are really good in doing it - why! this might be how God made you to be.

But there is also the brutal honesty needed, as Ps Jeff said in his sermon. Hmm... actually, think this is one of my weak points too. I often think so highly of myself that I don't think of myself with sober judgement as I should. One thing was I thought myself good in making jokes last time. But thank God, He spoke through my old shep, who told me plainly that my jokes are not funny. That was embarrassing to hear, but wouldn't it be even more embarrassing if I didn't know? Thank God for him! =)

Sometime I think I think too much here. Actually, do I think too much? Or is it that I don't act with what I know to be right? Probably the third. Oh God. Settle my mind. It's going nuts.)

LIKES
Then what about things that you like to do, but aren't good in? E.g. I like singing, but duh, my singing is so bad, that when I sing, I'm sinning! (LOL...)

Well, think it's more like these things you like, are great channels, areas of common interests in which you can connect with other people. =)

Remembered what Hanhui told some of us last time. He's good at playing guitar and miming, but these aren't exactly his passion, just some things that he is good at. His real thrill and passion - if I remember it correctly - is teaching, especially the Bible. He's got a very powerful mind and can think well and analytically. He even wrote a complete thesis on arguments for and against the resurrection of Christ - and all for passion's sake! Wow.

EXPECTATIONS
Maybe, is it that we ARE good at some things, and we really enjoy doing them, but because we have unrealistic expectations, we think ourselves not good at these things, and so don't pursue or train these further?

I was thinking about two people that I read in the newspaper. There's this guy who took up dancing in his freshman year, and got laughed at. But he trained constantly, and now he's having the last laugh - God, look at his muscles and pose... he's clearly a divinely designed dancer! :)

And one of my friends, Eric Feng. I saw him in the news. Originally, he got booed off stage, but he really had a passion for public speaking. So he trained and trained... and I can say for sure that he really enjoys his work and is good at it. Thank God he didn't go into the IT sector!

So have to explore. Have to take risks. As the old saying goes, you'll never know how high you can fly until you try. And even if you can't fly high, you can fly just as well. There are the eagles that fly high and soar slowly. And there are the swift hawks, which dive with laser-precision. Then there are the sweet sparrows that flutter here and there. And the ostrich that can't fly - but by God, it can RUN!

Taking risks... I really need to take more risks. To try more things for Christ.

IMPACT (or as Ps Jeff put it, SIGNIFICANCE)
Fruit, significance? Thinking about what Huanyan wrote in his latest blog entry. HopeKids - something new I tried. Was scared, not sure how'd it turn out. But thank God so much, the kids are fond of me. It really warms my heart a lot. And I'm so grateful to God.

I remember how He guided me to this ministry by a series of events and promptings in my heart and my prayers and the 'go-ahead' from my brothers and sisters, esp Sijia and Peter. So many things to thank God for! :)

Fruit... for HopeKids, I see long-term fruits. :P Paiseh, but everytime I talk with someone about ministry to children, find myself really going on and on about this... oh God... that I could find someone else who shares this same heartbeat and burden I have for children.

Actually come to think of it, Shunrong told me he also wants to join HopeKids too! =D So encouraged! =D

Ok, back to the point. Fruit at work, significance... I think in future I'd like to run an orphanage as part of a social entrepreneurship programme? To help out with media awareness? Film about children - 'Home-Run' style? Drama? I dunno. But thank God for Lois (hi!) who suggested some possible jobs e.g. Disney? Front?
*******
Yup... just a whole lot of mental "diarrhoea" from me. But honestly, really need some advice on two aspects: (1) How can one find out his/her God-given talents? and (2) How can I combine my passion with work?

Tks!
YA

Defending Against Temptation

In Touch Daily Devotional
by Dr. Charles Stanley

October 07, 2006 Defending Against Temptation James 4:7-8

Temptation never completely goes away. The intensity and form of what tempts us may change with time and spiritual maturity. But as long as we’re in these earthly bodies, we will never be entirely free of it. That’s why we must learn to build a defense against its pull.

The first step to defeating temptation is trusting that the Lord is in control. Believe that He will limit temptation to what you can handle through His strength. Before a tempting thought even enters our head, be determined to resist with the help of the Holy Spirit.

Second, we need to be proactive. We need to identify weaknesses—those areas of our life where we are easily persuaded to sin. Likewise, it is helpful to recognize the conditions under which we are more prone to give in. Satan prefers to attack when believers are hungry, angry, lonely, or tired (H.A.L.T.).When facing temptation, we usually have little time to decide on our response. Once we are already feeling stress, the path between fantasizing and doing is particularly short.

(Personal application point for me here, especially when I'm tempted to slack and give shoddy quality ministry work. And play games or blog instead of working. :P)
The third step is training our mind to focus on the big picture rather than the immediate pleasure. The following four questions can help us make wise choices: Is this a violation of God’s Word? What are the consequences? Am I prepared to pay that price? Is there a right way to meet this desire?

We can’t be totally free from temptation, but we can defend against it. Begin now. Make yourself mentally and emotionally ready for the next time you’re tempted. Preparation helps build a barrier of protection around your mind and heart.

Fierceness of Mind

Lord, I need fierceness of mind. All too often I let myself get dragged down by my emotions. Cannot! If I want to be a man of God, I need to beat my body and make it my slave, so that like Paul puts it, "so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize."

Need fierceness and focus of mind. Faithfulness. Even when the going is tough and I feel like slacking. Cannot! Proverbs says that one who is slack in his work is brother to one who destroys. God knows how much I've slacked. And I'm sick of it. I need His help to push me and change my inner attitude. I am a slacker, but Jesus is my Saviour.

Reminder to self: "Because of Jesus."

It's at an ungodly hour - 5 am! And I'm still crawling through my A* pathfinding algorithm.

But was just looking through somebody's blog, and very encouraged about how God has been transforming this dear friend's life over the past few years.

Made me think about these 8 years since I asked Jesus into my heart, and amazed at the deepness of it all, over the years. These 4.5 years of life in university seem so ... so long ago, so far away, and yet simultaneously, so short, so fleeting, so near.

4 years is a long time. A lot can happen in one year. But very little can happen in one year too. I think I've experienced both kinds of experiences during these 4 years in NUS.

The highs and the lows, the pride and fall... the humility and the lifting up... crazy, isn't it?

Came in blur, freshman, eager to do something for God in NUS ministry. Being appointed care coordinator in 2003 - really scared, yet excited, fresh, inexperienced and insecure. Difficult times, CL had big problems, brothers very affected, NUS sub-d in very bad shape, only Shirley was around to help hold the CG together. Think Alan summed it up well when he exclaimed to the NUS sub-D, "Are we so short on leaders that we have to ask someone who is so unlikely to be a leader to serve as a leader? Yes, he's willing, but has it come to the point where we have to scrape the bottom of the bucket for people who are willing to serve God?"

Then core-team... then let myself get proud because of the title I thought I deserved. Then God exposed the hidden thoughts and motives in my heart, made them very obvious and clear. He took away what I took pride in, made me simply a member. Zewei told me frankly, "You want to become a CL, because you want to feel important." Thank God for his rebuke... it really hurt then, but I'm grateful he told me that, because God was telling me very clearly what my heart condition was.

Self-righteousness. I've done stupid things. Chased some sisters. Hanhui caught me and corrected me. Couldn't get along well with my shepherd, because insisted on hearing only what I wanted to hear. Zewei told me that I was not teachable. Having a very strong filter, hearing only what I wanted to hear.

Jan - Aug 2005. Broken. Thought at times I was going to go crazy. Didn't feel close to anyone in the CG, unit or even subdistrict. Got into quarrels with Peter (who would later become my shepherd). Really felt like leaving church at times. Behaved very strangely. Totally lost, mixed-up in my thoughts. Felt like an animal, like King Nebuchadnezzar who ate grass like a cow, because God punished him for his pride. Got my lowest grades ever for two modules: D and D+. CAP plunged like mad. Devastated. Saw younger Christians becoming shepherds, while I was not taking care of people. Felt so worthless, etc., because I put a lot of my identity in what I could do. Told Ellson I wanted to die. He hugged me and prayed for me there and then.

Tried so hard to change. Tried to change the way I behave. Tried to change my attitudes of self-centredness. Tried. But failed. As like what Peter told me during 3rd shepping session, "You've tried so hard, and you've failed." Because I was relying on my own efforts instead of seeking God.

1 Sep 2005. Healing. Sijia told me to turn back to Jesus. Just to seek Him for who He is. To ask Him for healing for my soul. For the first time in many months, finally experienced true peace in my soul. Surrendered to Jesus all my insecurities. Slowly found His Word coming alive in my soul. Learnt to treasure His words so much more preciously. More than food itself. Realised what Hon Loong and Guo Qiang had been trying to tell me all these years. To know God. To love Him. To love His people. Realised that it is only the presence of Jesus that can really transform a person's heart. No other way. "I am the Way and the Truth and the Life. No one comes to the Father except through Me."

That was a major time that God REALLY humbled me, REALLY rebuked me, REALLY crushed me, REALLY broke my spirit, till I went crawling on my knees to Him (literally) and cried out to Him for mercy - and realised just how quick He is to forgive.

Tears of joy, tears of sorrow.

Learnt to see God in more and more aspects of my life. Found myself slowly hungering for more of God. His love is sweeter than honey. Learnt to treasure my relationship with God. Slowly realised His true calling for me in the media area. Somehow had the impression that God wanted to bless me with the name Abraham - "Father of many nations". Realised that children feel comfortable with me. Grew in burden for children.

Blessed in friendship. Ruey Fong - a true gift from God! Learnt from him what true friendship really means. Grew to love others more. Started overcoming my insecurities to bless people, regardless of their responses. Learnt to trust people on the basis of their characters, not on the basis of my expectation of their responses. (Thank God for Weizhu who taught me that too.)

2006: Year of Calling. Breakthroughs coming in. God raised me up in studies. Commended by my lecturer. Grew in wisdom and understanding in academic arena. Joined HopeKids. Weizhu's encouragement to me to "only let us live up to what we have already attained". Clearer understanding of what to look for in my future wife. Ministry. Alpha. Hard work. But experienced for the first time what it really means to rub shoulders. To be real. Like Peter said, "Let others see your dark side too." Fun times. Crazy times. Conflicts. Tiredness. Time wif Jitsy, Guan, Shunrong, Nic, Eric, Hongyao, Huanyan, Dorling and others. Saw people at their realest. But at the end of it all, deep joy. Joy knowing that what we've done in the eyes of God will last for eternity. Jesus will never ever forget what we've done for Him and His people.

Times of sowing. Zhiwei and Benny. Planning with Flince and Michelle. More treasured memories. High-fives exchanged. Heated exchanges. Email plannings and fervent fasting and praying. Learnt to sense the Holy Spirit's prompting and guidance. Piang! the Spirit is really powerful - He's like a precision-guided missile. Learnt to listen to His guidance, to aim accurately in my prayers and actions, to speak with faith.

Times of fellowship. Ridgeview Residences. Got to know Qiaoping better as a friend, not just as a sister. Memories of hostel life. Got to know Tianfang, the face behind the "Chinese nationality". To see the story behind his life. Touched. Suppers. Studying together at HQ and YIH. Exam revisions. One of the happiest times in my life. Engine room. Food. Robert making friends with the security guard. Chocolate fondue. Got to know Huanyan better.

My CG. Hongtao's sharing during group QT. Incredibly touched. Flince's struggles and how he overcame bit by bit. Saw how he grew warmer and friendlier. Eugene! Change in his heart, in his spirit. Other bros, but not enough time here.

Men's Conference. Seed of burden planted. Personalisation. HopeKids.

Zhiwei coming to know Christ. "Sing, my soul, sing! Sing if it still can sing, Sing after all these years!" Joy! Labour in the Lord not in vain.

My email to my CG. Eagerness to see brothers growing in initiative. YF's sharing and her encouragement. Made me cry. In S11 some more. (A guy crying in front of a girl? Weird liao. But I don't care. It was God at work.) "Don't take God's sheep for yourself." Broken-hearted. Realised His love, grace and mercy. His gentleness even in correcting me.

Her affirmation to me. Touched me a lot. Didn't realise how God has used me to bless many lives around me. Recalled Hanhui's words to me in 2004: "I literally expect you to overcome yourself and influence those around you."

Yet, not I, but Christ. Because Yeu Ann no longer lives, but Christ lives in him. The life that Yeu Ann lives, he lives by faith in the Son of God who loved him and gave Himself up for him. So let Yeu Ann not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through following legalistic standards of living, Christ died for nothing!

So many deep memories. So many things to show how fallen and sinful I am. And so many things to show how rich His grace is, how He is restoring what was broken, so that it may truly fly.

*******
So after rattling on and on, it's about an hour or so. God! what novels I can write...

So what's the purpose of all this writing? Hmm, more of cartharsis, I'd say. But keeping in mind Paul's words, "Forgetting what lies behind, I press on to take hold of that which Christ Jesus took hold of me..."

Think God has been training me, over the past 8 years, to learn to become a servant. Looking at the past, it helps me have an idea of the direction I'm headed in. Think the fruits in my life are, like what Veron said, "intangible."

Realised that my strengths, and areas of ministry fruits, are not so much in the pastoral area, but in the support area. I love the physical arts, and I love to do the media arts. Realised that God made me to be an arts person, that's why I enjoy arts module much more than computing modules. Reason I like programming is because programming is like art to me.

Considering whether to join TWAM. Not sure. There's the cost to pay. Can I pay? Not sure. But whatever I lack, Jesus will top up. Only that He wants me to be aware of the true cost of ministry. Will not be easy. But He told me during a particular worship session, "If anyone would come after Me, he must deny himself, take up his cross daily and follow Me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and the gospel will find it."

And Veron's sharing of the kernel of wheat that falls to the ground and dies. "Unless it dies, it remains only a seed."

God knows I still have a LOT of dying to self I have yet to do. E.g. my laziness, my nuah-ness. Yet I will still rejoice, because I know that it is His grace that gives me what I do NOT deserve. He's given me good grades, I got into top schools even though I was definitely one of the laziest guys around. But now, in NUS, hah, He let me reap what I sow. Yet, it's because He loves me, that why He wants me to experience the pain so that I will learn faster and become the person that HE wants me to be.

Typed for 1.5 hours, but really, this is only a small bit of what God has been doing in my life. "Many are the wonders You have done, O my God - were I to tell of them, they would be TOO MANY TO DECLARE!" True! So true!

God, I think there's simply SO many things, so many wishes, so many hopes, so many dreams, so many wonderful things You have planned for each and every one of us. They are like birds flying around in the big blue sky, soaring high, soaring low. They are like butterflies fluttering and dancing around our heads.

Brings back to memory this sweet poem that I read in Sec 1.

Fly, white butterflies, out to sea,
Frail pale wings for the wind to try,
Small white wings that we scarce can see,
Fly!

Some fly light as a laugh of glee,
Some fly soft as a low long sigh;
All to the haven where each would be,
Fly!

—ALGERNON CHARLES SWINBURNE

"All to the haven where each would be." Wow... if this is how God cares for little butterflies that "we scarce can see", how much more us, created so preciously in God's image?

PGP is a wonderful place...

Oh yah, am typing this in PGP now. Walked down to KE7 with Zhiwei before that. Great time haha... even though the haze was really bad. PSI 80, that's what I read just now.

Then happened to see Isobel in one of the study rooms. Met Jitsy too. Very pleasantly surprised, blessed! :) Chatted for a few minutes. Thank God - these are the sweet little blessings of grace that He drops into our lives from time to time, unexpectedly, love beyond reason.

And oh, the wireless connection in PGP Blk 16 is top-notch!

Chatted wif my shepherd just now. The main reason I'm very happy tt my submission for the ST forum got accepted was because of what he shared wif me some time ago, encouraging me to participate more in the mass media, even if it's something as simple as writing a blog.

Yup, Peter's really been a great inspiration to me - a real blessing from God - as he imparts to me his vision and desire to be salt and light in the area of media. He shared wif me that media is important, because it has a very strong influence on the minds of the pple who watch/listen to it.

I'll add - and particularly in the formative years when the younger people watch such media. I know some ppl - even Christians - whose mindsets have been very strongly influenced by things they read/watch e.g. comics, such that it negatively affects the way they see God and other people, encouraging them to be rebellious and negative. So when they come to know Christ, short of a miracle, it can be very difficult for them to change their mindsets - especially if they've been taught that being rebellious and having an independent spirit (meaning I don't need anyone to help me) is a good thing. Hmm... just my thoughts on that, correct me if you think I'm wrong here... thanks! :)

Woke up moody again, but praise God! Today got better and better... was refreshed by the lunchtime fellowship - HY, Shuyi, Ceyang, Calyn and Calyn's sis - and esp Huanyan's prayer for me at the bus-stop.

Then had a good time at the project interview wif my project mate, Shennon. Got to know her better too. Great learning to work with her - she's a self-described "punctuality freak". So can see how God put different ppl into my life to train me and shape me, to understand what makes ppl particular about punctuality. Jesus knows my every weakness, so He wants to change me for the better. :)

Then project interview with some director (I'm guessing he's a big shot) - prayed for God's blessing on it - it went really well. :) Funny thing is, Shen and I dressed to the nines for this project interview, but the director dressed up in a T-shirt and jeans. Ironic, eh? :)

Then tooth pain. Saw the dentist.

He x-rayed my tooth and saw my 2nd lower left molar was badly decayed. Told me root-canal treatment + capping the tooth would be $1500+.

Pain again, and this time it wasn't because of my toothache.

Root-canal + crown: $1500.
Tooth extraction: $30.

Hmm. But he said he can't extract the tooth yet, because the clinic going to close soon. Ouch.

Then met up Zhiwei wif YF and Flince. Shared wif him about prayer. Great time! :D Thank God for Zhiwei. Very touched too. We gave him the New Believers' gift too. Then Flince and I had dinner wif him. After that we watched some comedy on Google Video at HQ wif Andrew and Guoxiong too. Good time...

Staying over at HQ tonight with Zhiwei.

This is the day that the Lord has made! :)

A Fierce Joy

Just had a realization just now. Revelation, if you'd like to call it. Bcos today was a difficult day for me - internally felt very nuah, getting up, taking my time to go for tutorial, went in late, and to be honest, feeling quite bo-chup, even though I know that I shouldn't be having that attitude.

After tutorial, went and just crapped with some pple at HQ. HY will know wat I mean. :) But to be honest, I think the way I was crapping was definitely in the flesh, not very edifying. Hmm, tink some ppl will say here, it's just crapping lah, no need to be so serious. Well, i do know my spirit pretty well - and i'm pretty sure my spirit wasn't very right at that time. Self-centred, self-absorbed, just plain selfish and self-indulging.

So felt quite bad, went to the rooftop to pray. Asked Him to settle my mind, and just talked crap with Him. He's incredibly patient. :) Hmm... think one thing I'm grateful to God is that I want to be consistent with Him, wherever I am... even if I talk crap, I do want to be consistent in school, at home, in church... wherever I am. If I've sinned against Him, let it be consistent, let me not hide it before Him. So if I talk crap with ppl, I also want to talk crap with God. I don't want to approach Him with hoity-toity religious language - I want to be REAL with Him. This is something that Peter corrected me before, and I want to keep this in mind till the day I die, or Jesus returns, whichever comes first. :) Anyway, God is omniscient, so no point hiding from Him anyway... this is basic doctrine mah, even atheists know about this point well.

Hmm, anyway, after that, my toothache came back again. The chicken chunks wreaked havoc with my fragile molar... it was PAIN after dinner. Took Panadol from Huifang - thank God for her! - felt better.

But felt grumpy, because wasted 1.5 hours of time playing computer games, and 0.5 hours reading about - of all things - the Russian Revolution of 1991. Ertz. Because I really felt so sian about my programming assignment, to the point where I ignored some of the SMSes that I got. Including ministry emails that I'd promised to reply today.

Finally, I just walked off to the overhead bridge, underneath the moonlit sky, and just prayed again. Told God I'm super-sian, don't want to do anything, but felt frustrated by my laziness and procrastination. Felt loopy in my mind too - just wanted to do anything but programming.

Then was reminded of the Psalm that I read during QT today. "Find rest, O my soul, in God alone... Pour out your heart to Him, for God is our refuge."

Wow, praise God! His encouragements are always on time. :) So just prayed, asking God to help me do the right thing - to start working on my assignment and not slack anymore. Prayed "in Jesus' name, amen", then just walked off. Think no need to wait for some reply from God about this... when you KNOW that what you're praying for is the right thing in God's eyes, well, just pray and go off and do it, even if you don't feel like doing it.

Thank God, He helped me get started, and the next half-hour was good. :) Think it pleased Daddy to see me working harder.

Then went back home. Talked more crap with Xinying.

As I was walking back home, just shared with God about my day today. Just felt tired and rather monotonous today. So started singing "Find rest, my soul, in Christ alone / Know His power, in quietness and trust..."

And as I walked, in retrospect, somehow felt the Holy Spirit in me encouraging me to sing to Him more... so I sang even louder... somehow, I sang it with fierceness in my heart. Not frustrated, just joyfully fierce. (Looked around first to see nobody's around. :))

Now, the testimony here is, when I got back home, somehow, all the frustration, stress, tiredness and worries all seemed to become so much smaller. Somehow, all the things that make me worried all seem to go back to their proper sizes - rightfully smaller than my God. :) Was reminded of Paul and Silas singing for joy to God in prison. And realised that even when I've cocked up, God's grace is still there for me. I realised that we can rejoice with a fierce joy, a joy that is fierce and free, that refuses to bend to the chains of this sad world, but flies free in the freedom of its Lord and Saviour.

As John Ortberg writes in "The Life You've Always Wanted",
"One test of authentic joy is its compatibility with pain. Joy in this world is always joy "in spite of" something. Joy is, as Karl Barth, put it, a "defiant nevertheless" set at a full stop against bitterness and resentment."

Something that struck me was what he wrote next: "If we don't rejoice today, we will not rejoice at all. If we wait until conditions are perfect, we will still be waiting when we die. If we are going to rejoice, it must be in this day. This is the day that the Lord has made. This is the Dee Dah Day. (bold mine)"

Wow... thank God so much! :) That He chooses to give us so much in spite of the fact we deserve so little - in fact, less than nothing!

It's not that He's lowered His standards - no, no, no! - but His grace gave us full grades, and even more, even when we've flunked His tests big-time. So we have every good reason to rejoice, rejoice with an in-your-face attitude towards our light and momentary troubles, because of God's grace to us.

The sheer lavishness and goodness of God!

Clear guidelines needed to discipline kids in kindergartens

Thank God... pleasantly surprised :) My submission to the ST Forum got accepted for the online forum. Hee hee...

Very grumpy and self-centred. Tooth aches like mad.

Ye shall know the tooth...

Haha, lame, right? Was telling Huanyan about my toothache, and it turned into a crazy session of dreadful puns, Whose-Line-Is-It-Anyway style... truth and tooth.

"You shall know the tooth, and the tooth shall set you free."

"Speak the tooth in love!"

"You want the tooth? You can't handle the tooth!" - apologies to "A Few Good Men"!

"C'mon bro, face the tooth!"

"I have to tell you the tooth, even though it will hurt..."

Finally, I should have told HY this one...
"Do you solemnly swear to tell the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?"

Toothly, the truth never was so painful! ;D

*******
Oh, btw about the truthache... oops, I mean, toothache, finally I realised just exactly what was wrong with my tooth that has been causing me pain on and off for a year or so.

It doesn't seem like it's my wisdom tooth after all, but my regular molar. Because was flossing my teeth just now, when I saw a small fissure in my molar, just in front of my wisdom tooth. I realised that the fissure was actually quite substantial - to the point where I could floss it inside...

At that point, I realised why my tooth ached so much. Because sometimes food will get trapped in that small fissure, and I'll have to use a toothpick. And sometimes it can be real agony - was praying to God to heal my toothache... somehow, after pulling my cheek - don't ask me why! - the pain subsided a lot. Wow, thank God... even though I don't understand why pulling my cheek would help to relieve the pain. But heck care that time... when your tooth is aching like mad, you'll literally do almost anything...

Well, except go to the dentist. :P

I'm not exactly looking forward to a Star Wars Imperial Dental Torture Droid probing my teeth... I've heard more stories about bloody wisdom tooth extractions (complete with screaming drills) than I ever wanted to hear.

Think the Texas Chainsaw Massacre was scary? Just listen to a wisdom-tooth extraction story, coming to a dental clinc near you. LOL.

Anyway, back to the point. So finally, realised that it's not so much my wisdom tooth, rather than a damaged molar with a tiny crack the size of the Grand Canyon.

Over dinner today, Eugene recommended his Dentistry friend to me for a cheaper tooth extraction.

"Er... which year?"

"Year 2."

Wah. I was thinking at least a Year 4 student would be nicer...

So there you have it. Time to go to the dentist... sooner or later. :P Anyway, it's a relief of sorts to know exactly which tooth is aching and WHY it aches, even though the pain is still there. Somehow, knowing what causes the pain seems to make it more bearable.