Facing Fear in the Classroom

Found this article very relevant and meaningful! Check it out at http://crosswalk.com/family/parenting/1354332.html

(BTW, this article is specially dedicated to a dear friend whom I challenged on Saturday night to speak up more and not be afraid... :) this is for you too! Hee hee! Hope this encourages you even more...)

"What’s to fear? Plenty. The first thing to fear is a grade. I always wonder if speaking up is going to cost me academically. Does the professor have an appetite for vengeance? How battered do I want my GPA to be? And to be quite honest, and borderline opportunistic, the chances I’m going to change a professor’s mind are probably zero to none, so is it worth the risk?"

Dear Lord! Even though I've only a few more weeks academically, I pray in Jesus' most precious name, help me stick my head out (wisely of course) and be wise as a serpent in speaking up for You, Jesus! For You told us not to be afraid, but to be strong and courageous, to live up to our convictions! Lord You do not want weak 'tofu' Christians who will flee at the first flaming arrow - no, You want men and women of God - soldiers of Christ! Give us a fierce joy, a fierce faith - one with Your wisdom and guidance, so that we don't do stupid things too... 'cos You told us in Scripture not to have zeal without knowledge too! In Jesus' most precious name, amen!

Seeing a Greater Purpose in Adversity

Seeing a Greater Purpose in Adversity

Acts 16:28
But Paul shouted,"Don't harm yourself! We are all here!"

"... Paul and Silas did not leave because they saw a higher purpose for which they were in prison. They were not looking at their circumstance; they were much more concerned about the unsaved guard. The story goes on to explain how Paul and Silas went home with the guard and his family. Not only did the guard get saved, but his entire household as well.

What a lesson this is for us. How often we are so busy looking for deliverance from our circumstance that we miss God completely. God is looking to do miracles in our circumstances if we will only look for them. ... Our adverse situations can often be the door of spiritual opportunity for those who need it."

Read this article just now, and it's really a very sharp reminder and encouragement to me not be narrow-minded and inwards-looking. Reminded again of what Jasmine shared with us during Saturday's sermon to "partner with the Holy Spirit", and to have more than "head knowledge" - something I'm extremely prone to.

Dear Lord, help me open my eyes BIG BIG, and to rely on Your super-radar, Your Holy Spirit... to give me discernment and a sensitive heart to Your prompting and leading, dear Holy Spirit, so that I can see what You want to do in this situation, no matter how painful or jialat it may seem. Because You work in ways we cannot see; You will do something new today!!! :D Through Jesus I pray: aMeN!

Fellowshipping with God

Was thinking and pacing about, trying to pray. But my heart and mind has been feeling quite blank the past two days after two tiring days - so was wondering what to pray to God about. So asked Him how, what to do?

Then think God put these words in my mind over a short period of time:

"Share your joy with Me."
"Share your life with Me."
"Share your memories with Me."

Yah! That's so true! :) Because after seeing Ceyang coming to know Christ, and the wonderful sermon, and the sweet time of fellowship over dinner, getting to know the NUSB2 bros + sisters better... I was really at a loss how to share to God how I felt yesterday.

Then I remembered this song that we'd just sang during service:

Love divine
Joy unspeakable
Overflowing in my soul

Yes, Lord, that's it!!! :D Joy so great that it really defies description! Joy unspeakable at what You are doing in this NUS ministry! I am seeing with my very own eyes the marvellous things You are doing - after 4 years of barrenness!!!

Let the heavens rejoice and the earth be glad!
Let the seas resound with a mighty roar!
Let the trees of the forest clap their hands!
Let the earth be filled with the glory of the Lord!

I'm so reminded of that verse You planted in my heart back in 2002, that verse that says, "After this, I looked, and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language..."

Wow! :D Praise God indeed! And after just rambling, and sharing my life and memories with Him in the kitchen - that's my favourite place to pray at home - I just really felt so grateful to be in His presence... "Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." (2 Corinthians 3:17)And I realised that this time was really a sweet time of fellowship with God... wow! :D really amazed... not just fellowshipping with brothers and sisters, but also fellowshipping with Him!

All so often, I worship Him...
all so often, I serve Him...
all so often, I think of Him...
but when was the last time I fellowshipped with Him?
To just share my life, my joys, my sorrows, my memories with Him?
To "come, just as you are, before your God, come!"

"We proclaim to you what we have seen and heard, so that you also may have fellowship with us. And our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son, Jesus Christ. We write this to make our joy complete." (1 John 1:3-4)

Oh, I just read Jitsy's latest blog entry. It's so timely and appropriate... think this is exactly what the Spirit reminded me as I was trying to pray to Him while feeling restless and - shall I say, jittery too? - in my heart just now.

... He loves to see us come to Him, He enjoys it when we talk to Him, when we seek Him. At this point in time, as I read it, the part that strikes me even more is that He will quiet us with His love. How? He delights in us, and not just that, but He will quiet us with His love when we get overexcited, or overanxious. The power of His love to quiet.

Hope it encourages you too, dear friend, whoever you may be. Do take time to pray to God - He welcomes all who simply want to spend time with Him, no matter what their heart conditions may be. :)

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Also, another breakthrough testimony: I think God has helped me breakthrough in understanding this person whom I'm scared of better... because I was hurt by this person before. But YF encouraged me not to be scared, but to remember that "perfect love casts out fear." Yup it's so true. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

And somehow, I think God has been changing my heart these past few days. I'm learning to see this person's (let's call this friend S) actions in a new light - to actually start appreciating S more and more - and I think Jesus has very graciously opened my eyes to the possibility that I may have misunderstood a lot of S's actions (due to my previous bad experiences with S)... somehow, He gently draws my attention to the fact that I keep on looking at the bad things in people, but He wants me to see them through His eyes instead. To learn to see people as He sees them.

And I think He helped me make sense of the MACHO discussion today - I was asking Him what was the whole purpose of the discussion, actually... think He helped me see the bigger picture at hand here - "To understand your heart better, to understand other ppl's hearts better and to understand My heart better too. What are the things that makes My heart beat with pleasure as you look for your life partner."

:) Wow, God is really sweet. He's not tame, but He's GOOD. The Lion of Judah - on His fierce mane we sheep rest, our weary souls secure and safe.

He is my everything, He is my all
He is my everything, both great and small
He gave His life for me, made everything new
He is my everything, now how about you?

Oh taste and see that the Lord is good
For He tastes like honey in the rock
Oh taste and see that the Lord is good
For He tastes like honey in the rock
Sweet honey in the rock...

Kids say the darndest things

Wanted to write this down since last week, but forgot to:

Was having discussion time with the 3-4 years old kids, when one of the teachers asked the boys, "What kind of animals can you find in the sky?"

And one of the little boys stuck out his hand and said, "Jet fighters!"

He's probably going to be a fighter pilot in future... :)

I was in the Media Lab, trying to get some MM stuff done, and I was wondering why the computer wouldn't read my hard-disk, even though the hard disk was clearly connected and on.

Shrugged my shoulders, and turned off the computer. Then wondered why the hard-disk's light was still on.

Then it dawned upon me that I had connected the hard-disk to the computer besides me instead of the one in front of me...

Had watched "DeathNote" wif the rest of the CG after we celebrated Nic's bday. Hmm, very good movie in the sense of a plot - quite like the ambiguous ending at the end and the various symbolic references scattered throughout the plot. Now can see why so many ppl like this DeathNote... :)

However, the movie also set me thinking - and actually i was thinking about this question just before i watched the movie...

Somehow, I was thinking of my upcoming birthday, and for various reasons, it made me think... "Is it worth loving God?" or something like that. Even if God loved me, what was to stop me from leaving Him? I was stunned by this temptation to just leave Him for the pleasures of this world, like a faithless wife leaving the husband who loves her wholeheartedly, even though she knows very well that the husband loves her enough to die for her.

I was looking at myself in the mirror, and just thinking about that. Flipped through my mental Bible, but somehow... the whole chain of reasoning seemed so circular - "God is good -> He deserves to be loved -> So love God because He is good..."

And the movie made me think, if the supposed "justice-maker" can be so scheming as to sacrifice the life of the one who loves him most, then could even God be trusted? Is he, in CS Lewis' words, the Great Terror, the One who is able to help us most, but also the One who has the power to kill and destroy us utterly? How can He be trusted then? If He could sacrifice the life of His one and only Son, just to win our trust... and then He would hold us hostage?

In other words, is God really that good? Or is He simply a Cosmic Terrorist?

Extremely dangerous thoughts... and this time 'round I couldn't find any answers. Resurrection of Christ? But what if He did it all as the Greatest Deception of all time?

Oh God...

But decided to follow Billy Graham's example and just trust that God's Word has the answers, even if right now I can't understand.

So was talking and just sharing all these thoughts, doubts and fears with God today during my QT.

Thank God, somehow He answered all my doubts and questions with answers from the books of John, Job and Psalm 73. (I remember Ziwei was sharing wif me from the book of Job... thank God for her sharing, it was really very helpful!)

He assured me that He has nothing to hide (John 3:20-21), and that He is not a man, that He should lie...

1. Numbers 23:19
   God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?
   
2. 1 Samuel 15:29
   He who is the Glory of Israel does not lie or change his mind; for he is not a man, that he should change his mind."

And He reminded me from the book of Job and Psalm 73, that in the end, my understanding is limited and there are things about Him that I simply cannot understand, because I am just a human being. He is not a man, yet He is the Son of Man... He is holy and distant... yet, He came near to us as a man...

I'm so stunned. There are so many things about God that I can NEVER EVER understand in this lifetime. He just simply is too big to understand... and I could search for all eternity, and find there is NONE like Him! Little wonder the apostle Paul, one of the most brilliant thinkers in history, exclaimed:

33Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!
How unsearchable his judgments,
and his paths beyond tracing out!
34"Who has known the mind of the Lord?
Or who has been his counselor?"
35"Who has ever given to God,
that God should repay him?"
36For from him and through him and to him are all things.
To him be the glory forever! Amen.
(Romans 11)

Can't help crying now. God really... is just too awesome. He is God, and I am just a mere man. He is Spirit, and I am just dust. Yet He chose to call me His own, His child, bought with His own blood. Oh my God, this love, how can it be?

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Think this is a breakthrough in faith for me. Recalling Jesus' words to Thomas so many years ago, "Because you have seen Me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed."

I used to depend on the intellectual argument that the Resurrection of Christ is the one thing that forms the cornerstone of my faith.

But think even the strongest intellectual understanding has its limits - and there and then, that is where we MUST have faith. Faith that follows Christ, even when we cannot see there and then. Faith that trusts God is good, even in the darkest hour. Faith that triumphs, in spite of the Old Lie: "Can God be trusted?"

And the good thing is, such faith pleases God. God is testing our love for Him.

We are not blind because of faith; on the contrary, we need faith because we are blind.

Think such faith can only arise out of walking closer and closer with Him, day by day, until you know more and more of His character, such that even if the best lawyers and judges were to say, "God is guilty, guilty, guilty! Let him DIE!", you would know that in the end, He would rise from the grave of men's skepticism and existentialism, roll away the Stone of Stubbornness, and walk out - the Truth is Risen, and He lives forevermore! Amen!

Red Cross lambasts US terror law

Feel very concerned about the signing of the new anti-terror law. Is this the start of the descent of the USA?

Media on Campus? The Media Roundtable?

Personally, feel increasingly burdened to do something for God in the media industries... I keep telling God, "I really don't know where to start, but please help me and show me..."

Feel really very small, because I'm like, only one guy - oh, beside my shepherd - who has this crazy vision of wanting to make an impact for the Kingdom of God in the sphere of media in the world. Then feel encouraged, because I'm reminded of David versus Goliath. :)

So, was thinking in the shower, after reading in today's Life! newspaper about artists taking artistic license with historical facts, and the AIDS advertisements that I saw in NUS today. And what I read in the news about tertiary students actively responding to StompAids' challenge and produced various media and set up publicity booths and events to promote AIDS awareness.

And I'm thinking, how can my own campus ministry help more, to be salt and light in the campus? Of course, I know that sharing the gospel with them will ultimately save not only their souls, but also their physical lives too. Still, personally, I think we can really do so much more for Christ in this area - to speak out louder on campus for causes that are good - not only from the Christian's viewpoint, but also from other people's perspectives too.

So have come up with a basic plan already to develop the NUS MM ministry... will ask Clara about it for her feedback and advice. Think I'll send to Peter too for his advice.

Pray for me yeah? :) We're all in this together - whether it's pastoral or support ministry - we are serving the same Lord Jesus Christ in this battlefield together. Yes and Amen! We are fighting not for victory, but FROM VICTORY!
NUS100... you are with me?

"When does artistic license become historical distortion?"

Correction 27 oct 06: I read this quote just now that my FF extension detected... it's really hilarious! Thanks to nicitate who pointed out this mistake of mine... :)

"I got the snippet from another blog. But the problem is... who the fuck is Brian Ian Gordon? We have an A/P Brian Farrell and an A/P Ian Gordon. They have combined two of the department's most beloved professors and created a whole different person! Hurhur...nice."

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Posted this entry on IVLE forum for Culture Industries...

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"When does artistic license become historical distortion?"

I read yesterday's article in Life! that mentioned about, among other things, Kit Chan's portrayal of Empress Dowager Cixi. Traditional Chinese history describes her as a wicked, cunning woman who hindered China's growth, but in "Forbidden City", she is portrayed as loving and doting.

The more general issue here is that the consensus among the artists interviewed by Life! is that when they embark on a work related to a historical figure or events, they should at least get the basic facts and figures right.

Personally, I'm concerned about this issue of artistic license, because with the growth of culture industries, there's always the temptation to pander to the audiences by rewriting standard historical texts under the guise of "artistic license" with the intention of making the shows less boring to the audiences - to spice up the story, if you will, so that it appeals more.

So want to ask this question:
From the perspective of the culture industries, do you think that it is possible for artists, writers, filmmakers and other creative workers to make compelling dramas that are historically accurate? Or is it inevitable, that in the course of dramatization of historical events, that some facts must get twisted?

I'm concerned, because a history professor from NUS, A/P Brian Ian Gordon, was quoted in the Life! article, saying, "If you go to a musical or a movie that deals with a historical subject and expect historical accuracy, then you should have spent your money on a book."

But the problem is, just how many people, out of this population, will actually be interested in going to read up about it? Hence, the need for historically accurate portrayals.

A counter-argument to this, however, would be that the dramatization of historical events, when well-done, will actually spur people on to be interested to find out more what actually went on, regardless of how well they stick to the facts.

I remember playing the old game "Civilization" by Microprose - even though it was an obvious dramatization, it sparked my interest in world history, to find out more about these civilizations that I was role-playing.

So in conclusion, perhaps we can take a look at culture industries, not only as profit-makers, but also as history-makers (literally) which act as cultural transmitters, not just producers.

What do you guys think?

A world ruled by God,,, what would it look like?

Psalm 67
For the director of music. With stringed instruments. A psalm. A song.
1 May God be gracious to us and bless us
and make his face shine upon us,
Selah

2 that your ways may be known on earth,
your salvation among all nations.

3 May the peoples praise you, O God;
may all the peoples praise you.

4 May the nations be glad and sing for joy,
for you rule the peoples justly
and guide the nations of the earth.
Selah

5 May the peoples praise you, O God;
may all the peoples praise you.

6 Then the land will yield its harvest,
and God, our God, will bless us.

7 God will bless us,
and all the ends of the earth will fear him.

Today, while having QT, somehow, think God impressed on me His heartbeat, His burden, for the world. It's so easy getting caught up in the daily matters of one's own life, and pursuing his/her own dreams and visions, that one forgets the bigger picture - John 3:16. "For God so loved the world, that He gave His one and only Son..."

And not just evangelism. In reading the Psalms (with glances at Isaiah too), I'm struck by how much the psalmist desired to see God's ways known by all the nations on earth. Thinking about the Uni District vision, it really reminded me again of the importance of having a vision that is bigger than ourselves - a God-sized vision in fact.

And I realised I don't have that burden or burning desire to make His ways known... "that your ways may be known on earth,your salvation among all nations." Listen! Can you hear God's heartbeat for this world even now, this heartbeat so strong that it would cause Him to send His very own Son to come down and die an excruciating death on the cross for our sins?

Listen... listen to the Father's heart. Can you hear Him saying, "Who will go for us? And whom shall I send?"

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Then saw this article - timely! - "Arabs Take Epic Sahara Camel Trek to Spread Gospel". Do read the whole article - it's really very inspiring!

Over the next several years Shama’s original handful of believers expanded to nine worship groups. As they listened to Luke’s teaching about church planting - and read in Scripture about God’s work in the early church - they conceived a grand plan to take the Gospel far into the desert.

“We didn’t tell them specifically how to do it, but about a year ago, they said, ‘We really feel like God wants us to go to another people group,’” Luke recounts. “They prayed and prayed about where they should go, and they felt led to go to a people out in the Sahara.”

The nomadic Muslim people group they selected was non-Arab, from a different tribe, notoriously fierce - and not especially friendly to outsiders. Even the women of the group were said to carry knives and guns.

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So after all that reading, it made me think. What would a world ruled by God really look like?

When one thinks of a world ruled by God, I guess one is naturally inclined to think about fundamentalist states and repressive "theocratic" regimes that claim to rule in the name of God.

But the Bible paints a much more wonderful picture. In Isaiah, God said,

"Behold, I will create
new heavens and a new earth.
The former things will not be remembered,
nor will they come to mind.

But be glad and rejoice forever
in what I will create,
for I will create Jerusalem to be a delight
and its people a joy.

I will rejoice over Jerusalem
and take delight in my people;
the sound of weeping and of crying
will be heard in it no more.

And the description given in Revelation is even more touching...

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea.

I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband.

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God.

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."

In Singapore, our safe little cocoons, it's so easy to forget the very real sufferings and pains going on in the rest of the world. But I believe that God really wants to change the world from inside-out. And He already started it more than 2000 years ago. Am I with Him today in becoming a world-changer?

Sleepy, tired, but God is so good. :)

Wow, really sleepy and tired after finishing the programming lab assignment on neural networks. But praise God for His faithfulness - finished the whole thing in three days. This time round, it wasn't because of procrastination, but really bcos of school work + ministry that I didn't have time to start on this.

So was feeling anxious on Sunday - especially so with programming assignments being unpredictable - you never know what bug will bug you next, but as I prayed to God for strength and wisdom, this verse came to mind: "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. So do not worry..."

Amen! :) And the way things turned out, wow, really can see God's wonderful provision at work here. Think my response to difficult situations has been changing over time. Last time I would cry out and rant to God, complaining to Him why did this thing happen to me... now I find myself sharing with God how I feel - and saying to Him more and more, "God, You must have a reason for letting this particular situation happen. I don't know why, but I'll trust in You. :)"

Think one of the most joyous things about hardships and difficulties is seeing how one changes in the way he or she respond to these difficulties. I find myself becoming closer and closer to what Paul said in 2 Corinthians 12:10, "That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." I'm not there yet - but I think it IS possible to reach this standard of joy in my lifetime, simply because Paul, a man like you and me, could. I'm not there yet, but let's try our best and encourage one another on towards Christlikeness k? :)

And His grace is always there for me in my time of need. I would do well to remember that truth every time. To humble myself and come before His throne of grace.

I always love to remember this: Grace is the best antidote to pride. Like Jean Valjean in Les Miserables, I think when you really taste and receive grace in all its fullness for the first time - somehow, your life can never ever be the same again. Cynicalness, bitterness, pride... somehow grace, that most amazing of the Christian virtues, when it enters one's heart, overwhelms them all like a river, washing them away.

Grace - getting what I do not deserve. Mercy - not getting what I deserve. Thanks Hongtao for sharing that with me! :) Even if it's in "layman's terms". ;) Haha...

7To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

"The Word became flesh..."

Tired, doing my programming lab again.

But just took some time to read my Bible, and this verse caught my eye:
"The Word became flesh and made His dwelling among us."

It's a simple verse, but very meaningful. Think He reminded me that He became flesh, just like me, and He knows what it's like to be a human - the everydayness of life, the mundane, the standard, the usual...
He made His dwelling among us - ordinary people like you and me.

And He's still here with me even now, in the midst of the brothers and sisters at HQ, at this present moment, when things seem so ordinary.

Isn't He amazing? :)

And oh, on a linguistic note, I think this verse is very sweet and meaningful in another way... I'm working with logical words (programming), and He's the Logos - a Greek word meaning "written word", "reason". Isn't that so appropriate? I'm working with abstract logical words that demand precise reasoning - i.e. programming - and He reminds me that He's the Logos - the Final Word, the Reason beyond all Reasons.

Ok, I think nobody may be able to understand why that particular verse touches me a lot, but He knows me inside out - He knows what can precisely touch my heart and mind. He knows that words of love are especially meaningful to me, and He knows my liking for languages, including Greek. He knows that I connect most with Him through the intellectual realm, and so He touches my heart in such a unique and unusual way. :)

Isn't Jesus so cool? :)

Learnt something about myself today.

After talking with YF today, realised that when I feel hurt, tend to let the emotions run to my head and I respond by withdrawing and trying to avoid contact.

But YF's advice very good... =) Take the opportunity, at an appropriate time, to let the other person know how I feel, and clarify his/her intentions. Thank God for her, and thank God for this opportunity to understand myself better.

Thank You Jesus, my Good Shepherd. =)

Guarding our hearts - a testimony! :D

Something I learnt today - which was from the prophecy during yesterday's sermon...

"That day when evening came, he said to his disciples, "Let us go over to the other side." Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along, just as he was, in the boat. There were also other boats with him. A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, "Teacher, don't you care if we drown?"

He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Quiet! Be still!" Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.

He said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?"

They were terrified and asked each other, "Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!"

Today was a Kancheong Day. Wah... I was very kancheong because my program kept on crashing when I was trying to execute it, even though I had prayed to God to help me do my lab assignment - I really need help to do it well in order to get the grade I need. Felt very frustrated and bordering on panic. Didn't help that my classmate doing the same lab as me was getting quite anxious too. But I remember praying to God yesterday that I really want to grow in faith, to have a faith that pleases Him - not to be kancheong like how I was so anxious last Monday... I don't want to fail God's test for me this time 'round!

But think God gently reminded me of what He had said through Claramae yesterday during service and the sermon about guarding my heart - don't fall into the sin of not having faith in God. "...and everything that does not come from faith is sin." (Romans 14:23b)

So took time to pray - just shared with God how frustrated I felt - and well, no reply. Just a silence. So decided to call a friend for help. Found out that he was in the media lab. And - my friend said that the lab TA was in the same lab as him. He passed the phone to the lab TA. And the lab TA said that he was in the media lab. So decided to rush down immediately to the lab to consult him.

Then... I saw another friend there. He was very willing to help me with my lab assignment, and even copied a very useful piece of code for me - without me asking him! Wow... praise God! :D He is so faithful - as always! :D

So, I really feel very encouraged - and grateful to God that He really has mercy on me even though I lack so much faith... that He has helped to stretch my faith in Him in this area. I do need to remember - I'm still very slow to learn - that God is present even in the perfect storms - and sometimes He guides us through "forcing" us through various hardships and difficulties... we really need to resist the temptation to blame God and make the decision to trust Him, even when it looks like everything has gone to sheeeeeeeet. ;) We need to guard our hearts, just like what Jasmine shared during the sermon yesterday.

And another thing that I learnt today was that panic can be very contagious. So I must guard my heart, lest I fall into the trap of panic and lose faith in God. When all the people around me (especially the non-Christians) are losing their heads and getting stressed, guard my heart - I still have Jesus with me.

I think this is one way in which God wisely takes out our hardened heart of stone and gives us a new heart of flesh, just as He promised the hardened Israelites more than two thousand years ago.

Updates

Wanted to blog about haze and Indonesia's response. But no time here. :P But quite angry, actually, at Indonesia's "bo-chup" response, but encouraged by the President's humble response and apologies. Think he has a very difficult job to do. Meeting for environment ministers. Must pray for them.

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Also wanted to blog about true friendship, something that I read in the Review section of the Straits Time today. Well, maybe another time, but think it's thought-provoking stuff - the professor who wrote it has some good points to make. Do read it if you can.

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Also a summary of what Peter advised me regarding vision:

"Vision needs to be shared with other like-minded people. So find more other like-minded people who share the same vision as you. If you can't, keep looking, or consider revising your vision."

And practical MM tips that he gave me for Xmas MM production. Use the Radial Zoom filter. Cool! Thank God for him! :)

Sharing IS important to build up closeness. Really. Like how Huanyan and I crack lame jokes a LOT of times, but there are times when I just need someone to rant to and just pour out my thoughts and heart to, and he's there just to listen. That's something I really appreciate.

And when we spur one another on towards godliness, reminding each other to strive up to Christ's standards for our lives.

Think one moment I especially treasure in my memory is when I asked Huanyan a month ago to keep me accountable regarding something personal in my life. Think it was a leap of trust - I was wondering whether he was able to understand and accept me for this... but again then, if you want to grow closer in relationships, you have to take risks from time to time, yeah?

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Was chatting with Flince just now. It was a great time of sharing. Somehow felt closer to him after that. Could it be one of those times when God suddenly makes a surprise visit? Because I realised why I type so long sometimes. Partly because I'm not comfortable wif speaking straightforwardly, so i write in a very round-about sort of way.

Flince reminded me that he's the kind of person whom you can be straightforward with. I said, thank God He put us together, because being straightforward is something that I struggle with.

So perhaps this blog shall take a new turn in my walk with God... to overcome my timidity and learn to be more straightforward, and more precise. To be confident, courageous and completely His.

I remember Pastor Ben saying before, "Mean what you say, and say what you mean!"

And yes, I do mean what I say - sincerity's one strength God has given me - but very often, I find it hard to say what I mean.

A shorter and more straightforward blog? Hope so... because that way, I think it'll be more edifying for people. People have said it's very long. Scary even. Haha. Yeah, that's me, I'm a "testimony monster". Think last time I would have been quite affected to hear that kind of thing, but now I'm quite secure here, having accepted this as part of the Yeu Ann that I am. And by the grace of God, I shall become more and more like Jesus each new day as I walk in His love.

Just a little reminder to myself...

A horse is a vain hope for deliverance;
despite all its great strength it cannot save.

But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him,
on those whose hope is in his unfailing love..."

Reply from Ps Jeff!

Left these two questions on Ps Jeff's blog:

After your sermon on Saturday about work, I was thinking,

(1) How can one find out his/her God-given talents? and

(2) How can I combine my passion with work?

And he replied!

Hi Yeu Ann,

There are such test (eg SHAPE)that can help us. We can also talk to people who knows us and loves us to find out more.

When we know our talents and our passion, we can then go about serachign for a suitable work. One of the keys is to talk to people who are in the industry that you are interested in to find out more about the work.

Hope this helps.

Thanks a lot, Ps Jeff! :D Don't know if he's reading this... haha... but, hey, Ps Jeff, if you do happen to read this, just really want to say I really thank God for your life and especially your zeal and passion and love for God over the years. It has served as a constant inspiration and example to me, to really "never be lacking in zeal, but keep [my] spiritual fervour, serving the Lord."

Thanks so much, bro! And also enjoy the times talking with you - feel very blessed! :)

"Where do You See Jesus? Contrasting Responses to PA Shooting"

I read the above article about the Amish shootings, and the responses of the Amish (Christian communities in the USA which eschew modern-day technology) people really touched my heart a lot. Think it was mentioned a bit in the Straits Time too. Really felt so inspired by their hearts, and at the same time, ashamed of myself too, when I read about how these Christians reached out to the killer's family - even setting up a fund for them... oh God! This is Christ's love so real...

Where was God when innocent girls were being shot?

He was in the 2 girls who asked the killers to shoot them first, so as to save the younger girls. He was in the grandfather of two of the slain girls who forgave the killer in his heart, "through God's help." He was in the communities who reached out and embraced the killer's family in their time of need.

[T]here they crucified him, along with the criminals - one on his right, the other on his left. Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." (Luke 23:33b-34)

Wow... seeing such people like these - really really really makes me feel proud to be a Christian too. And also very awed too... it really really really is an awesome privilege to bear the name of Christ - especially when I do not have the character at all to match up to the title of the name "Christian".

Personal reflection and application point... I'm thinking about how I respond when I'm hurt and/or rejected by others, even fellow Christians and my loved one. Whoa. Suffice it to say that I really have lots lots lots more to grow in Christlikeness. But, well, Jesus came to save sinners like me... and turn us into children of God! Children born not of weak flesh, but born of the Living God! Yes and Amen! :D

And that brings us to the rest of the story. The story that made me cry. The people who with broken hearts have looked instead at what God can do. I have always had respect for the commitment of the Amish people. To be honest, I have viewed their lives as being a bit odd. Now I wonder if they have it far more right than I do. I say that after reading their response to the senseless killing of these innocents in Pennsylvania. As I thought about my wonderful sons I don't know if I would have the capacity to respond like these servants of the Lord. The Dallas Morning News reported this reaction from the Amish community:

The Amish have been reaching out to the family of the gunman, Charles Carl Roberts IV, 32, who committed suicide during the attack. Dwight Lefever, a Roberts family spokesman, said an Amish neighbor comforted the Roberts family hours after the shooting and extended forgiveness to them.

"I hope they stay around here and they'll have a lot of friends and a lot of support," Daniel Esh, a 57-year-old Amish artist and woodworker whose three grandnephews were inside the school during the attack, said of the Robertses. Huntington, the authority on the Amish, predicted they will be will be very supportive of the killer and his wife, "because judgment is in God's hands."

Could I do that? Would I even consider such a response? Later in the story I read this:

Enos Miller, the grandfather of the two Miller sisters, was with both of the girls when they died. He was out walking near the schoolhouse before dawn Wednesday, he said he couldn't sleep, when he was asked by a reporter for WGAL-TV whether he had forgiven the gunman. "In my heart, yes," he said, explaining it was "through God's help."

I have a hard time forgiving someone who says something negative about me. I am humbled by this display of Amish faith. Another story in the Dallas Morning News had this amazing demonstration of grace:

Donors from around the world are pledging money to help the families of the five dead and the five wounded in amounts ranging from $1 to $500,000. The families could face steep medical bills. Though the Amish generally do not seek help from outside their community, Kevin King, executive director of Mennonite Disaster services, an agency managing the donations, quoted an Amish bishop as saying: "We are not asking for funds. In fact, it's wrong for us to ask. But we will accept them with humility." At the behest of Amish leaders, a fund has also been set up for the killer's widow and three children.

Are you kidding me? Thinking of the financial needs of the killer's family? Incredible. No, make that supernatural. That is beyond the scope of human response. And then the final story that brought tears to my eyes this morning. This report comes from the New York Post:

Staring down the barrel of Charles Carl Roberts' gun, 13-year-old Marian Fisher and her 11-year-old sister, Barbie, bravely pleaded with the madman to shoot them and spare the eight other girls he was holding hostage. "Marian said, 'Shoot me first,' and Barbie said, 'Shoot me second,' " said midwife Rita Rhoads, who had helped deliver several of the victims. "They were really trying to save the younger girls. It is a real reflection of their faith."

Reflection on today's lab assignment.

Hmm.

Hmm.

HMMM.

Just suffice it to say that I went and did it again. Procrastinated on my assignment for various reasons. Think this time 'round, God let me reap what I sowed. I didn't sow much work, so I'll not reap much results. Quite disappointed, but better the pain now than in future.

Didn't manage to complete my programming assignment on time, and I think it's not good to ask my lecturer for an extension, especially when we were given FOUR weeks to do it. And I spent less than a week on it. My attitude was, I can rush these things. Pride and stupidity are a really potent combination.

I fear I'm not being sensitive any more to God's corrections.

Oh! Just now, my eyes fell on Psalm 32:8-9... wow, so touched. God really reminded me very gently how He is instructing and teaching me in the way I should go. He also promised that He will counsel me and watch over me. Wah. I feel super-touched. That He's not just giving me instructions and corrections... He is also watching over me for my good. My Daddy cares for me incredibly, beyond reason!

He said to me too: "Do not be like the horse or mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle or they will not come to you."

These words spoke exactly to my procrastination and laziness. His will is that I shouldn't be blur like sotong, just nuah-ing and floating around, doing things only when people PUSH me to do them. (Yeah, my bros and sisters and project mates and ministry team have been pushing me to complete my stuff on time.) But He wants me to walk in His ways and to be blameless in everything I do.

I must treasure these words of His! I must not let them fall to the ground by ignoring them.

Thank You. Please correct me Lord!!! I really want a soft heart to be corrected by You daily. Your corrections are life and food to my soul!

In retrospect, I'm very touched still by how deep His care and concern is for me. Had quiet time - thank God for Huanyan who advised me to spend some quiet time with Him, when I was stuck and s-t-r-e-s-s-e-d on my programming assignment. Think He spoke to my heart, because I was also feeling very stressed by a lot of work, especially outstanding work yet to be done.

From Psa 65, which I read during my QT:

"[You] who stilled the roaring of the seas, the roaring of their waves, and the turmoil of the nations..."

Because my heart was feeling like a storm-tossed sea.

"You care for the land and water it; you enrich it abundantly..."

You care for us... and You water and enrich our lives abundantly.

And also how He encouraged and supported me through my bros and sisters and my parents in small but sweet ways yesterday and today.

My ma and pa for their help - e.g. my ma making noodles for me, even giving me $50 for taxi fares so that I can save time travelling to school... wow, this is REALLY love in action. my dad asking me how it's going, and hugs too.

Huanyan for his free backrub AND his presence - I really have so much to learn from this bro's willingness to serve and bless others so readily even in things that he doesn't always enjoy doing... (incidentally, touch AND quality time are my secondary love languages. Yep, 2 secondary love languages. Haha... I am BLESSED!!! So he is a DOUBLE BLESSING to me!!! Haha... like McSpicy Double - as Guanrui would say, "Feast!!!")

Calyn for her very, very, very touching prayer...

Hongtao's simple words of encouragement - his presence really cheers me up every time I see him.

YF, as always, asking me how things are going.

Guan and Jitsy for their "jiayouing" and "How's your programming assignment coming along?".

Xinying for her noticing my stressed face, and asking me how I am. Small thing, but it touched me a lot too.

JOHN!!! Ah yes!!! For his so cheerfully going down to McDonalds to help me get a Big Breakfast Meal in the morning... it really touches me a lot too!

Jiahao, for his presence... I feel so warmed every time he comes down to HQ. Haha...

My shep and Weizhu for their simple words of care and concern. And Peter's timely advice to me to go get some sleep.

Jitsy especially for her encouragement message - it was VERY encouraging and TIMELY. Just after I prayed, she dropped me a beautifully handwritten note with this verse: Psa 139:9-10.

"If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast."

So many blessings from God through them! How not to be joyful even with my crappy results?

Yet, feel quite ashamed in a way. Jesus said, it is more blessed to give than to receive.

Oh, also realised I've been judging how much others have given to me instead of looking to see how I can give more to others. But on the other hand, haha, I have to give them a chance to give to me too, so that they can experience the joy of giving first-hand! :D

Anyway, I can learn so much from each and every one of them, how they gave to me... tat I may better bless others in return! :D

And oh I'm reminded too. Even the smallest thing that all my bros and sisters did for me, Jesus will never ever ever forget. In some small, tiny, indiscernable way, their tiny acts of love and kindness are seeds in my heart, planted by Christ Himself. Seeds sown in a second, but ... remembered for all eternity.

Amen.

*******
On a practical note, I've just realised that my dear CG bros and sisters have been getting awfully stressed by all the work that we are getting. Can see the tiredness in their faces. Wonder how can I bless them?

Dunno how, Jesus, but this verse just came to mind (timely haha): "Freely you have received, freely give!"