Children of a Lesser God

Children of a Lesser God


For the offspring of a science deity, the legacy is more burden than blessing.

by Michele Zackheim

Cults of historians, scientists, and everyday people persist in idolizing Albert Einstein. For his family, though, the name Einstein has cast a long, complicated, and difficult shadow. Today the two living grandchildren and five living great-grandchildren are weary of being hounded by Einstein worshippers and weary of trying to live up to the unprecedented achievements of their ancestor. They struggle to live private lives, well distanced from his fame, and they have succeeded: The most notable aspect of the Einstein descendants is how nearly invisible they are.

Even in anonymity, though, there is no escaping the family legacy. Albert Einstein, a man of remarkable insights, was also a man of many serious flaws. His quixotic behavior and strained personal relationships loom menacingly over his descendants. Today the Einsteins are a fractured family. [read more...]

Very thought-provoking... a lot of people regard Einstein as a great, great man.... but in God's eyes, what does He consider as true greatness?

1. Psalm 37:25
   I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread.
   
   
2. Psalm 103:17
   But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD's love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children's children-
   
   
3. Proverbs 13:22
   A good man leaves an inheritance for his children's children, but a sinner's wealth is stored up for the righteous.
   
   
4. Proverbs 20:7
   The righteous man leads a blameless life; blessed are his children after him.
   
   

What kind of legacy do you want to leave behind when you die?

C.S. Lewis observed that in one of Shakespeare's plays, the main characters take up most of the plot, but their lines are rotten, filled with deceit, betrayal and murder. In comparison, there is a minor character with only one line - and he is an unnamed servant.

But what a line! When he witnesses the main characters mocking, shaming and ganging up upon his betrayed master, he will not stand for such injustice. He takes out his sword, jumps in to defend his lord, and is instantly stabbed to death. But that unnamed servant will forever stand out among his corrupt contemporaries for that one sole act of courage.

How it is with our own lives too. Our lives may be very ordinary and we may not be superheroes. Never mind. The true legacy of one's life is not what it has attained for itself, but rather, what it leaves behind in others.

As someone said, "One can tell the size of a ship by the kind of wake it leaves behind."

Valentine's Day Tips (Good for All-Year Round)

From Hong Teck's (aka Rags) blog:
Rags' Valentine's Day Tip #1: How To Maintain A Great Marriage
Rags' Valentine's Day Tip #2: How To Look For A Life Partner
Rags' Valentine's Day Tip #3: How To Love Yourself

Making Your Own Recovery CDs

Realized I had to make my own Lenovo Thinkpad Recovery CDs... because now this laptop doesn't come with one! (So silly of Lenovo.)

But anyway... if you have an Lenovo/IBM Thinkpad, do create your own recovery CDs asap.

Happy Feb 14th! :)

What, you thought I was going to say "Valentine's Day" or "Friendship Day"?

LOL...

But thank God for friends indeed. :)

Had a good time catching up with one of my coursemates from NUS. Actually, it's very interesting - we are both hearing-impaired.

Something that struck me: it's very fascinating watching how he interacts with me, because it feels like I'm seeing an external version of myself interacting with me. External in the sense of personality and social skills. Which is a invaluable learning experience.

Oh yes. I was also inspired by the reflective contemplative of The Naked Soul's blog that I came across from Andrew's blog. (it really is a very enriching and thought-provoking blog), it made me think about today. Today. What did I learn from today? And what can I learn from my experiences? How can I know God better today, using the Bible as my lens to see the world around me?

Think I'd starting doing that back a few years ago, but I've slacked in my reflecting and thinking deeper till then. To learn to see God in more and more things of my life.

A Heart That Sees. :) So nice. Like how Proverbs tells us to learn from nature, from people, from incidents, even from ruins, etc.

So Lord, help me see how Today, Feb 14th, is the day that You have made. And let me rejoice and be glad in it. Through the grace and wisdom of Christ, I pray amen.

******

As I sat in the park, praying silently with eyes open, I saw a pair of old lovebirds strolling around. How sweet. Valentine's Day, and their romance is still new.

And as I sat at the cafe with my friend, chatting, I observed many tender young couples strolling around with pretty flowers. The sweet aroma of young love.

But how many of these young couples grow to be old couples? Will they be like the pretty flowers that last only a few days, or will they be like the strong trees that endure as long as life itself?

******

After I finished praying in the park, I walked to the train station. And was thinking, even though I'm single, I'm very grateful to God for the friends He has given me. Thankful especially for the blessings of Peter and Kin Wee who "accompanied" me on MSN through the week. Just really blessed by their company.

And I was thinking, isn't the friendship of God even better than these? We say, what a friend we have in Jesus... so have we really accepted the friendship of God that He extended through Jesus, his Son?

Have we today felt the comfort of His presence? The delight of talking with Him through prayer? The renewed assurance and living hope that He gives us daily?

He does, He does. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His love for those who fear Him; for as far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.

But there's another side to this coin... are we His friends? It is possible for a friendship to be non-mutual... after all, you and I can share experiences where you felt very close to that person, but the person didn't feel close to you.

Truth is, Jesus Himself said, "You are my friends if you do what I command." (emphasis mine) I can't find a way around this statement of His - He puts it so bluntly. Jesus isn't a people-pleaser - He is Lord after all - and He knows it perfectly well.

9"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. 10If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. 11I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. 12My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. 13Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. 14You are my friends if you do what I command. 15I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. 16You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. 17This is my command: Love each other.

But why does He want us to show our love to Him through obeying His commands? Doesn't that sound like... a servant rather than a friend?

Hmm. I think the Lord wants to show us a deeper insight into what real and true friendship is. Friendship is more than feeling loved. Friendship with God means we have to love those whom He loves. I read from John Ortberg's Love Beyond Reason, that in Greco-Roman times, if one claimed to be a friend of someone, then he was expected to be a friend of his friend's friends and an enemy of his friend's enemies. So same with our friendship with God.

And friendship involves openness. One very good measure of friendship is how open we are to one another.

Friendship with God. What an awesome thing if He said that we are His friends indeed! :) We can count on God, but will He be able to count on you and me to be obedient and loyal to Him? It is possible to be a close friend of the King of Kings... even though we are still subject to His authority, we'll be able to relate to one another as friends. Like how Abraham interceded with God over Sodom and Gomorrah... "haggling" might be a better way to put it. :)

Friendship with God. It's a mind-blowing thing indeed! :)

May you have a happy Friendship Day each day of your life!

Reading my study Bible now. Argh! I just remembered... I missed the registration deadline for Old Testament Survey Bible sem. Maybe I should give it a shot anyway. Paiseh. :P

Reflecting on my character and heart responses using Saul's life as a mirror. Two things that caught my eye... how Saul responded proudly and acted "spiritually" in the midst of his successes. And how he responded emotionally when told by Samuel that God would take his kingdom away from him. His insecurity exploded to the surface, and he blubbered like a little boy, (literally) grabbing at Samuel's robe as he walked away.

Oh my God. I realised that my heart's natural response, if God were to rebuke me like this... I will respond in the same way like Saul. Not like Eli the high priest, who, when the young Samuel had to tell him the bad news that God would punish his family line for his failure to stop his corrupt sons from exploiting the people... he humbly replied, "He is the LORD, let Him do what is good in his eyes."

Wow. Eli's flawed but noble heart. (Though at the end of his life, my study Bible comments that Eli may have become too fixed on the ark of God, a religious symbol representing God's presence, rather than on the actual presence of God.)

And. Samuel's classic rebuttal to Saul's increasingly lame excuses:

"Does the LORD delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices
as much as in obeying the voice of the LORD?
To obey is better than sacrifice,
and to heed is better than the fat of rams."

When I thought about this verse, and what does it reflect on my life... think the Lord is telling me that He may be happy when I serve in, say, a major event or do some really impressive multimedia to serve the church...

But you know what makes Him REALLY happy? Delighted?

It's when I choose to control my temper at home... it's when I choose to have a cheerful, uncomplaining heart to help my mum at home with the computer instead of grumbling in my heart when she calls me for the umpteenth time. It's when I choose to obey His word to take captive my thoughts... to think true, noble and lovely thoughts towards those around me instead of being judgemental...

It's when i decide to delight in His words...

It's not how much time I spend praying... but my heart's attitude when I pray. Do I eagerly await to listen to His voice, to wait for His reply - or His commands, whatever it may be?

*still thinking*

oh! :P i keep forgetting. looking through my study Bible notes... "Was Samuel saying that sacrifice is unimportant? No, he was urging Saul to look at his reasons for making the sacrifice rather than at the sacrifice itself."

Ah. My heart's motives. Pray to God to give me the right motives.

You Can't Delegate Hope.

Extracted from John Ortberg on Hope Management
Optimism is the one responsibility no leader should delegate.

The church is in the hope business. We of all people ought to be known most for our hope; because our hope is founded on something deeper than human ability or wishful thinking. Martin Luther King was fond of citing Reinhold Niebuhr's distinction between hope and optimism. Optimism believes in progress; that circumstances will get better. Hope, however, is is built on the conviction that another reality, another Kingdom, already exists. And so hope endures when hype fades.

And yet, even ministry can be hope-draining. Churches can become places of cynicism, resistance, and pessimism. Spiritual resistance, my own sinfulness, and the sheer gravitational pull of the status quo can drain away the power to dream. Both hope and pessimism are deeply contagious. And no one is more infectious than a leader.

For this reason I've realized that I must learn the art of hope management. I must learn about the activities and practices and people who build hope, as well as the activities and practices and people who drain hope.

When I looked back at my old journals it came as a surprise to me how often they were simply chronicles of failure. I would write down how I felt inadequate as a pastor, incompetent as a dad, and not-all-that-great as a Christian in general. These weren't so much confessions with absolution and forgiveness; they were vague general expressions of discouragement that left me more discouraged. They were the opposite of what David did when he "encouraged himself in the Lord." I was "discouraging myself in the Lord."

So now I try to steward my hope; not by avoiding thinking about my sin, but trying to confess it, learn from it, and live in the reality of newness and grace. I have identified people in my life who breathe energy and hope into me, and I try to get large doses of time with them—especially on Mondays.

Psychologist Martin Seligman, though not religious himself, notes that not only does faith produce hopeful people, but more robust faith produces more robust hope. For all the great hopers are mystics. And long before FDR said we have nothing to fear but fear itself, a great hoper known as Julian of Norwich sang her song from the depths of the Black Plague-infested fourteenth century:

But all shall be well,
And all shall be well,
And all manner of things shall be well…
He did not say, "You shall know no storms, no travails, no disease,"
He said, "You shall not be overcome."

You can't delegate hope.

Thank God for this timely, beautiful article. :) Oh... *strokes chin* Hope! Is that why God sent me to this wonderful church called Hope?

I think God has a far better sense of humour than I give Him credit for!

And confidence that arises from hope, which in turn arises from faith in God. As I shared last time, confidence is the outwards expression of my faith in a great God.

And hope is the God-given anchor for our souls, one that keeps us steady in the stormy seas of life. Or as the older Malays would like to say, "Friend, jangan tension lah... relac! Don't be scared lah... Maintain balan! Ah... that's the spirit!" :)

I think I need to grow in hope. So! :) A Heart of Hope it is.

Edited to add:
Oh! Hmm... "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for."

And St. Paul wrote: "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love..."

Hope. Why does hope make it into the top three Christian virtues? It suggests that hope is distinct from faith, and yet not separate.

Think all these three virtues are interlinked... seems like a trinity of sorts! :)

From Merriam-Webster:
hope:
intransitive verb
1: to cherish a desire with anticipation
2 (archaic) : trust
transitive verb
1: to desire with expectation of obtainment
2: to expect with confidence : trust

faith:
1 a: allegiance to duty or a person : loyalty
b(1): fidelity to one's promises
(2): sincerity of intentions

2 a(1): belief and trust in and loyalty to God
(2): belief in the traditional doctrines of a religion

b(1): firm belief in something for which there is no proof
(2): complete trust
3: something that is believed especially with strong conviction; especially : a system of religious beliefs

1 Cor 13:13 (Amplified Bible)
And so faith, hope, love abide [faith--conviction and belief respecting man's relation to God and divine things; hope--joyful and confident expectation of eternal salvation; love--true affection for God and man, growing out of God's love for and in us], these three; but the greatest of these is love.

INFP Personal Growth

Thank God for His help with today's debugging session. :) Thank God today was a very smooth and relaxed day. And thank God for the good quiet time today... how I need His presence in my heart every moment.

Anyway! I was musing about that INFP personality thingy, and decided to find out more...

INFP Personal Growth
This part caught my eye:

INFPs who have developed their Extraverted iNtuition to the extent that they can perceive the world about them objectively and quickly will find that they enjoy these very special gifts:

• They will have a great deal of insight into people's characters. They will quickly and thoroughly understand where a person is coming from by assessing their motives and feelings. These well-developed INFP individuals make outstanding psychologists (such as Isabel Briggs Myers herself) and counselors. They might also be great fiction writers, because they're able to develop very complex, real characters.
• They will quickly understand different situations, and quickly grasp new concepts. They will find that they're able to do anything that they put their mind to, although they may not find it personally satisfying. Things may seem to come easily to these INFPs. Although they're able to conquer many different kinds of tasks and situations, these INFPs will be happiest doing something that seems truly important to them. Although they may find that they can achieve the "mainstream" type of success with relative ease, they are not likely to find happiness along that path, unless they are living their lives with authenticity and depth.
• The INFP who augments their strong, internal value system (Introverted Feeling) with a well-developed intuitive way of perceiving the world (Extraverted iNtuition) can be a powerful force for social change. Their intense values and strong empathy for the underprivileged, combined with a reliable and deeply insightful understanding of the world that we live in, creates an individual with the power to make a difference (such as Mother Teresa - an INFP).

Pondered a while about it, and realized that God has been sending me brothers who have pushed me to be more objective in my judgements. And that people have been helping me train myself to be more aware of my surroundings. In other words, to train me to be more objective and quick in my perception of my situations.

Actually, to be honest, I'm quite weak in this area - so I think I'm falling short of God's potential for me here. Oh! You know, Shuyi is someone I look up to as a role model - think we both have very similar personalities - but she looks much, much more outward beyond her own world, which shows in the way she writes on her blog.

As compared to mine.

Which goes on to my weaknesses. Ah. I'll just copy wholesale. (The problem areas below, wah. All of them fit me to a T!)

Potential Problem Areas

With any gift of strength, there is an associated weakness. Without "bad", there would be no "good". Without "difficult", there would be no "easy". We value our strengths, but we often curse and ignore our weaknesses. To grow as a person and get what we want out of life, we must not only capitalize upon our strengths, but also face our weaknesses and deal with them. That means taking a hard look at our personality type's potential problem areas.

INFPs are rare, intelligent, creative beings with many special gifts. I would like for the INFP to keep in mind some of the many positive things associated with being an INFP as they read some of this more negative material. Also remember that the weaknesses associated with being an INFP are natural to your type. Although it may be depressing to read about your type's weaknesses, please remember that we offer this information to enact positive change. We want people to grow into their own potential, and to live happy and successful lives.

Most of the weaker characteristics that are found in INFPs are due to their dominant Feeling function overshadowing the rest of their personality. When the dominant function of Introverted Feeling overshadows everything else, the INFP can't use Extraverted iNtuition to take in information in a truly objective fashion. In such cases, an INFP may show some or all of the following weaknesses in varying degrees:

• May be extremely sensitive to any kind of criticism
• May perceive criticism where none was intended
• May have skewed or unrealistic ideas about reality
• May be unable to acknowledge or hear anything that goes against their personal ideas and opinions
• May blame their problems on other people, seeing themselves as victims who are treated unfairly
• May have great anger, and show this anger with rash outpourings of bad temper
• May be unaware of appropriate social behavior
• May be oblivious to their personal appearance, or to appropriate dress
• May come across as eccentric, or perhaps even generally strange to others, without being aware of it
• May be unable to see or understand anyone else's point of view
• May value their own opinions and feelings far above others
• May be unaware of how their behavior affects others
• May be oblivious to other people's need
• May feel overwhelmed with tension and stress when someone expresses disagreement with the INFP, or disapproval of the INFP
• May develop strong judgments that are difficult to unseed against people who they perceive have been oppressive or suppressive to them
• Under great stress, may obsess about details that are unimportant to the big picture of things
• Under stress, may obsessively brood over a problem repeatedly
• May have unreasonable expectations of others
• May have difficulty maintaining close relationships, due to unreasonable expectations

Explanation of Problems

Nearly all of the problematic characteristics described above can be attributed in various degrees to the common INFP problem of only taking in data that justifies their personal opinions. INFPs are usually very intense and sensitive people, and feel seriously threatened by criticism. They are likely to treat any point of view other than their own as criticism of their own perspective. If the INFP does not learn how to deal with this perceived criticism, the INFP will begin to shut out the incoming information that causes them pain. This is a natural survivalistic technique for the INFP personality. The main driver to the INFP personality is Introverted Feeling, whose purpose is to maintain and honor an intensely personal system of values and morals. If an INFP's personal value system is threatened by external influences, the INFP shuts out the threatening data in order to preserve and honor their value system. This is totally natural, and works well to protect the individual psyche from getting hurt. However, the INFP who exercises this type of self-protection regularly will become more and more unaware of other people's perspectives, and thus more and more isolated from a real understanding of the world that they live in. They will always find justification for their own inappropriate behaviors, and will always find fault with the external world for problems that they have in their lives. It will be difficult for them to maintain close personal relationships because they will have unreasonable expectations, and will be unable to accept blame.

Its not an uncommon tendency for the INFP to look to the external world primarily for information that will support their ideas and values. However, if this tendency is given free reign, the resulting INFP personality is too self-centered to be happy or successful. Since the INFP's dominant function to their personality is Introverted Feeling, they must balance this with an auxiliary Extraverted iNtuitive function. The INFP takes in information via Extraverted iNtuition. This is also the INFP's primary way of dealing with the external world. If the INFP uses Extraverted iNtuition only to serve the purposes of Introverted Feeling, then the INFP is not using Extraversion effectively at all. As a result, the INFP does not take in enough information about the external world to have a good sense of what's going on. They see nothing but their own perspective, and deal with the world only so far as they need to in order to support their perspective. These individuals usually come across as selfish and unrealistic. Depending on how serious the problem is, they may appear to be anything from "a bit eccentric" to "way out there". Many times other people are unable to understand or relate to these people.

Hee. To summarise: Ultra self-absorbed, ultra selective-hearing. Listening only to what I want to hear. That was how one of my friends described me last time as - and even as a Christian, one of my leaders rebuked me for this attitude.

I remember my unhappiest times in my life were when I was very self-absorbed.

But how true... it's what Jesus said: If I want to save my own life, I'll lose it. But if I'm willing to deny myself the right to feel the way I want to feel... I'll find real life. To deny myself the right to dwell in my own world. Then I'll find there's a bigger world out there that He is calling me to impact.

Mm! Here's the best part then.

Solutions

To grow as an individual, the INFP needs to focus on opening their perspective to include a more accurate picture of what is really going on in the world. In order to be in a position in which the INFP is able to perceive and consider data that is foreign to their internal value system, the INFP needs to know that its value system is not threatened by the new information. The INFP must consciously tell himself/herself that an opinion that does not concede with their own is not an indictment of their entire character.

The INFP who is concerned with personal growth will pay close attention to their motivation for taking in information. Do they take in information to better understand a situation or concept? Or, do they take in information to support a personal idea or cause? At the moment when something is perceived, is the INFP concerned with twisting that perception to fit in with their personal values? Or is she/he concerned with absorbing the information objectively? To achieve a better understanding of the external world, the INFP should try to perceive information objectively, before fitting it into their value system. They should consciously be aware of their tendency to discard anything that doesn't agree with their values, and work towards lessening this tendency. They should try to see situations from other people's perspectives, without making personal judgments about the situations or the other people's perspectives. In general, they should work on exercising their iNtuition in a truly Extraverted sense. In other words, they should use iNtuition to take in information about the world around them for the sake of understanding the world, rather than take in information to support their own conclusions. The INFP who successfully perceives things objectively may be quite a powerful force for positive change.

Hee! Lord, help me grow thus. To look not only to my own interests, but also to the interests of others. Help me see the world as You really see it... and give me a deeper love for the world as You so loved the world that You gave Your one and only Son to rescue us from our sins.

There's so many people out there who need help... am I listening to Your call and responding? I think I have to hurry up and grow!

Just Be Available

He sat there broodingly by himself, his back to the wall.

We called him to come and join us, but wordlessly, he shook his head.

I looked at him, from where I was with the other children, and he looked back at me. So I went over and sat down next with him.

I asked him, "How was your Chinese New Year?"

He said, "Oh, I was tired."

(Tired? A five-year old boy is tired? But I was quite impressed - he seemed very mature for his age. He spoke more like an eight-year old.)

"Tired? How come? Did you go visiting a lot of places?"

"Oh, I was doing housework."

(Housework? A five-year old boy doing housework? Suddenly his age seemed to jump ten years. Housework...)

"Housework? Wow... what kind of housework did you do?"

"Oh, I washed the car..."

(Car? Dear God. Is it just me, or does this boy have a driver's licence already? Maybe he's got his own company already... a five-year old towkay (rich man). Not bad... not bad at all.)

"Car? WOW..."

"I helped my daddy to wash the car. Me and my brother. Splish-splash!"

He stood up and dramatically brandished an imaginary sponge, and started splashing an imaginary bucket of water onto his imaginary car, with imaginary soap flying all around.

"Sploosh!" he exclaimed.

"Wow! Tell me more..."

Hadn't seen him so animated in a long while. :)

Later, after the children's Sunday school class ended, Yung came over and said, "Thanks Yeu Ann! Nathan was so quiet before you went over to talk to him. But after you went over to talk to him, he started coming over and joinin the other kids! Sorry I couldn't take care of him - I really had to take care of the other kids. But thanks so much Yeu Ann."

Wow. Thank You Lord! I was so surprised, and also very blessed by her feedback. 'Cos that day, I was so tired that I really had to sneak off to a tiny corner (literally) to take a nap. Best 20-min nap I ever had - it felt like an hour's worth of sleep. And I thought I hadn't done anything much to help out in the children's class today except talk and sleep. :P

But it turns out... hee. God is so good indeed. Even lazy bums like me, He can still use. :) The only thing that He requires is a willing heart and an available attitude.

I wonder what would have happened that day if I had decided to sleep in instead of dragging my tired body to serve in Sunday school class that day.

Perhaps the Lord today is sweeping his eyes to and fro. He could be looking for anyone below - it doesn't matter who - He just wants to know: are you available to come work in My vineyard today?

Are you tired? Doesn't matter. Just come make yourselves available.
Are you busy? Just come anyway.
Are you hungry? Drop your Big Mac, you big glutton - I've got big work for you to do. :)

If I hadn't been there that day, I would have missed one more chance to impact a child for the Kingdom of God - for eternity, in fact.

So I learnt today, after reflecting, that sometimes I fret so much about being unable to do this or that for Him (or for myself). That discouragement makes me sometimes afraid and unwilling to take the necessary actions (e.g. get out of bed, make that phone call, make preparations, etc.). But that only makes me sink further into fear. And sometimes I end up not being where He wants me to be that day.

Don't be afraid anymore. Don't let your fears stop you from responding to His call, even if it means getting out of the boat - literally.

Just be where He wants you to be that day - just as you are.
Just be available for Him to use.
Just be willing today.
Just be there.
Just be.
Just be His.

"Today, if you hear His voice, do not harden your heart..."

Christians Wrong About Heaven, Says Bishop

Wonderfully provocative title! But it really is a very, very good article. :) Do read it!

During my QT today, I was reading 1 Samuel 9-11, the part where God told Samuel to anoint Saul son of Kish to be the first king of Israel.

And I think God spoke to me quite a few things from there... there's a lot of good things to learn from King-to-be Saul, even though in later years he fell away from God and from his calling as king.

One question that came to mind as I read was this:
If God knew that Saul was going to fall away from Him, why did God still choose Saul to be king, and even to the point where He knew he would be grieved that He had made Saul king?

To put it another way: What was the reason(s) God chose Saul to be king? What did God see in Saul?

As I read on, this dialogue between Saul and his servant as they were looking for his dad's lost donkeys caught my eye:

4. So he passed through the hill country of Ephraim and through the area around Shalisha, but they did not find them. They went on into the district of Shaalim, but the donkeys were not there. Then he passed through the territory of Benjamin, but they did not find them.

5. When they reached the district of Zuph, Saul said to the servant who was with him, "Come, let's go back, or my father will stop thinking about the donkeys and start worrying about us."

6. But the servant replied, "Look, in this town there is a man of God; he is highly respected, and everything he says comes true. Let's go there now. Perhaps he will tell us what way to take."

7. Saul said to his servant, "If we go, what can we give the man? The food in our sacks is gone. We have no gift to take to the man of God. What do we have?"

8. The servant answered him again. "Look," he said, "I have a quarter of a shekel of silver. I will give it to the man of God so that he will tell us what way to take."

9. (Formerly in Israel, if a man went to inquire of God, he would say, "Come, let us go to the seer," because the prophet of today used to be called a seer.)

10. "Good," Saul said to his servant. "Come, let's go." So they set out for the town where the man of God was.

Realised how thoughtful Saul was, thinking about how his dad might feel. I don't even think half of the time how my mum might feel about me coming back late! And also his thinking about what gift to give the man of God.

So learnt from Saul's example about being thoughtful and considerate of others' feelings. A principle that I keep on forgetting many times. :( But observing Shawn today while having dinner with him... I realise this is one great strength of him. Sensitive, helpful and considerate. Hah, I'm pretty sure there's quite a few sisters in church who consider him a gentleman. :)

And also learnt how helpful the servant of Saul was. Saying "Look...", which means he was pointing out helpful things that he saw. And also resourceful, ready with things like silver. (Imagine. Being ready with solutions and suggestions at the tip of one's finger... what a great asset this servant would be if he were in the marketplace.) So learnt from this servant a very practical example how to be an effective supporter to my superiors and leaders, both in work and in ministry.

Ah. If you were to look at their Myer-Briggs personalities... haha, I think Saul could be an Introverted Intuition type, whereas his servant might be the Sensing/Perceiving type. Something like that. :)

There's more. Sitting in the park while having my quiet time with God... it's been a long time since I just spent time alone with Him. (Apart from the part where I was really startled by two schoolgirls tapping my shoulder, peddling ice-cream. Ice-cream in the park at 10 pm? Whoa. It's a good thing they went as a pair.)

Hee. It's a wonderful time to spend time alone with God, just looking up into the big blue night sky, to see the stars that He sprinkled over the creation of the universe, and to feel the gentle breeze. The gentle breeze of Jesus. :) And the trees and grass and flowers... :D "All things bright and beautiful..."

And while sitting still before God, He reminded me that I was worried and anxious about many things, but only one thing is needed. Hee. That tied in together with the SMS I got... that I shouldn't be so overly concerned with being "socially aware" that I forget to look to Jesus as the Prime Reason. Actually, my heart was really like Martha's - in the midst of wanting to get my "house" in perfect order for Jesus, I became so irritated that I started judging my bros and sisters for not helping me more, and asking Him, "Lord, don't You care that I'm like this? Ask this/that person to be more understanding/ help me more etc..."

At the Home of Martha and Mary
38. As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him.
39. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said.
40. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!"
41. "Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things,
42. but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."

And You patiently told me, "Yeu Ann, Yeu Ann... you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed."

*******
Oh... one more thing. Was reflecting on my heart's condition recently. Think I've been proud again - to be precise, more proud than usual. 'Cos I hadn't been looking to God for strength, and looking to my own efforts instead. And other incidents. Subtly thinking myself better, more spiritual than some other brother/sister. And also not being teachable - rather, becoming emotional and defensive in spirit whenever I get feedback. Subtle bits of pride here and there. Like ugly thorns creeping out of the ground. Like how King Saul let his feelings of inferiority keep hindering him, his fear of what his men would think of him, and even his feelings of jealousy...

But thank God for His kindness. After reading my Bible and praying over the passage that I'd read, just had this impression that He wants to draw my heart's attention to this area of my life. To be truly sweet-spirited once again, to humbly accept the fact that I sin, and joyfully accept correction and feedback with a grateful heart. Not to worry about how I look like in others' eyes, but to care solely about how do I look before a holy God. And even that... I still have to go back to the Cross.

At the cross I bow my knee,
Where Your blood was shed for me,
There’s no greater love than this.
You have overcome the grave,
Your glory fills the highest place,
What can separate me now?

Maybe it really is good that I'm not what I want to be. Looking at the entire scope of things - I'm starting to think this is the best place for me, where I am right now positionally. Not so much in terms of character, for You are always calling us towards Christlikeness - no less!

But in terms of life station, in terms of ministry role, in terms of personality - perhaps this is really the place that You've called me to. To teach me humility. To let me taste daily of Your sweet grace and mercy every day. To remind me that it's not who I am or what I can do that matters in Your eyes, but the heart behind it all. And maybe... most humbling of all... to remind me that I live, love and serve solely at Your pleasure, by Your pleasure and for Your pleasure. If nobody on earth, but You, and I bring You pleasure by just believing in Your Son Jesus... oh my God, how can this be?

John 6:28-29
Then they asked him, "What must we do to do the works God requires?"
Jesus answered, "The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent."

*scratches head* I don't get it. Your grace is too deep for me to understand in this lifetime.

And you've blessed me with a wonderful church, a church for all its small flaws, is still brilliantly beautiful in Your eyes. Because the people here do love Your Word. They show unconditional love and grace, especially to a sinner like me. And were it not for the church, I still would be the same old Yeu Ann ten years ago. Yes, it really is not comfortable at times, but tough love is still love by another name. :)

"Father, i pray that you see yeuann's heart. Lord, help him to find peace and contentment, and draw strength from You, Lord. we know that Your desire is not that he becomes "socially aware" but that he becomes a true disciple, and someone who loves you and loves people. With all that said, Lord, help him in this area that he might faithfully strive for excellence in his "social awareness". Bless his relationship with his CG too. Amen. :)"

Thanks so much to this very dear friend who sent me this long SMS during work today. Especially during work! :D And it comforted and helped me look up to draw strength from God again - it was really as though it was a draught of clean, cold water on a sweaty blazing-hot day. And it comforts me a lot, because it reminds me that in the final analysis, God really looks at the heart, not the outwards appearance. As long as I faithfully strive for excellence... be it in "social awareness", or in serving God, or in loving people... God is able to add on to me as I do my part.

Ah. Paiseh. I should be counting my blessings again. That's what HQ reminded me.

Thank God for Sharon, who has been a very good friend to me in CG. I really have to be a more faithful friend to her. And can learn so much from her life and her example.

Not to be inward-looking again (as I am so prone to being), but to remember, "Even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and give His life as a ransom for many."

"Something that's of worth, that will bless Your heart."

And not to compare myself with others... but to follow their examples as they follow Christ's example.

Still growing, still going on.

Even this blog. Shouldn't be an emo ranting, but to be more encouraging instead.

:) and You heard me.

I just woke up. Very surprised again - it was a twelve-hour nap. I've never slept so early before. Maybe it was a supernatural rest from God.

And to my surprise again, Edmund sent me this SMS last night. It read:

"Come to me, all you are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden light." matt 11:28-33. Hey Yeu An, hope that you are able to rest and recharge as you continue to seek God.

Felt incredibly touched by this message - because this Bible verse that he sent me was so timely. I think God Himself sent this SMS through Edmund. It's so timely. Because I was so weary and burdened.

And Jesus told me to come to Him, and He will give me rest. To be honest, one fear I had was other people saying that this is just self-pity that I'm dwelling in... I guess to a certain extent it's true, but ... yah, it is a great comfort to know that when Jesus Himself tells you that He understands... you know that He does understand. That your pain, your tiredness, your exhaustion is very real, and you really need rest deep within.

*tired*

It's a strange thing - this unusually long nap, Edmund's SMS and the sudden verse that I heard whispered to me when I woke up just now.

Psalms 42:8
By day the LORD directs his love, at night his song is with me-- a prayer to the God of my life.

I don't think there's a very hard, firm, logical explanation for all this... but I know with all my heart that God was watching over me as I slept last night. Like how a mother sings a lullaby over her tired baby, so my Father was singing His song over me as I slept.

Oh! :) Back to the SMS again.

"take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart"

and this verse from the SMS... felt Jesus was speaking to me clearly here. That He wants me to TAKE HIS YOKE upon me, and learn from him, how He would respond if He were in my skin, in my shoes.

Yah. Take His yoke upon me... that is, submit to His Lordship. And i realised that my heart had been unwilling to submit fully to His will, that i wanted everything to be smooth-going, that i wanted to be liked by everyone, to be perfect in my own eyes. But He corrected me through this word of His.

After all, as Christians, aren't our lives meant to bring glory to God and to enjoy Him forever?

And yet... He spoke so gently to me. Ooh. Now here's a real gentleman for you - Jesus Christ. :) hee. it touches me very much that He is gentle and humble in heart.

*sigh*

i really felt His gentleness today. :) and just feel so AWED in the light of His intense humility. the Humble God... who could have ever thought of such a concept? when mankind did believe in a God... they always thought of an almighty God before whom no one or nothing can ever stand.

But a humble God? Kneeling down to wash our feet?

*trembles*

It's a strange thing, this experiencing God today. I really felt totally unspiritual, totally broken-down. Felt horrible, pathetic and down in the dust - as a matter of fact, felt like mud.

Yet, strangely there, it wasn't in my glories that I found Him again, but rather, it was He who found me in the dust. And He gently knelt down and helped me up again. It's strange... I guess it's my own mindset. Somehow I found Jesus (or accurately, HE found me) in the midst of my brokenness.

=)

"and you will find rest for your souls."

He knows.

"For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

CNY

Ok... now dashing off a few paragraphs before I go zzzz for tomorrow's HopeTots :)

Just want to thank God for the good time with my relatives. First day, had a great time to catch up with my nephews and nieces. Whoa. One of my nephews is now in Sec 1, ACS(I). My niece is in ACJC year 2. But what was esp heartening was that she's been going back to church (more like taking a look) - her friend's inviting her for a church service tomorrow. :D

Very heartening, very encouraging. Wow... it seems only like yesterday that they were such small kids... and now one of them is ready to go to university.

Very funny. My niece and I started chatting about BGR stories and the like. LOL.

ah! two others: one more niece (aged 5 years) and one more nephew... (17 months) haiz... both of them are so shy. :P

3 generations of family under one roof - it was such a blessing seeing the new generation of children :D

Such a big contrast to another house we visited... all uncles and aunties, i'm the youngest there... and mostly talking about WWII and what they've been doing since retirement age (the same old thing) and their latest diseases... :P positively depressing!

and it just reminded me how much children are a joy and blessing from God. :D they really help to bring life to the place. in a sense, when you see 3 or even 4 generations under one roof, you are reminded of this quote: "Children are God's way of saying that the world will go on." :D

Ah... some day... if it is ever possible... i'd love to have four children of my own. :D (but have to see if my future wife'll agree LOL. Or we could adopt. that'd be so cool.)

Anyway! thank God for another blessing too. my uncle thoughtfully brought his ancient graphics tablet for me to use. ancient as in it has an RS232 serial port, not USB... so i'll have to buy a serial-to-USB converter. but whee! it's a WACOM tablet... so nice. :D :D :D now can do more drawings on my computer! praise the Lord!

and the ang pows too. :) hee. there ARE benefits to being single, y'know.

ok! today - 3rd day of CNY - we went to shawn's house. Peifang's CG came by too - followed later in the day by Sarah's CG. we played mahjong and bridge and good ol' edmund brought his usual knick-knacks of board games... fun stuff indeed. stuffed myself silly with numerous ferrero rocher chocs. :P and we ate lots of pizza and KFC chicken for dinner.

haha... tk God for these three days of feasting. and oh yea! the DOTA gaming sessions with the bros too. :)

thank You Lord.

inspired by a word from xinying's blog post

decided to take my inner muse for a walk in outer space. :)

Buffett: Bank woes are "poetic justice"

TORONTO (Reuters) - The woes in the U.S. financial sector are "poetic justice" for bankers who designed and sold complex investments that have since gone sour, billionaire investor Warren Buffett said on Wednesday.

...

Buffett, one of the world's wealthiest people, appeared to see irony in the fact that many of the banks who marketed complex investments which have now crashed are bearing much of the fallout.

"It's sort of a little poetic justice, in that the people that brewed this toxic Kool-Aid found themselves drinking a lot of it in the end," he said.

[read more]

Just woke up from a very long nap. Gosh. How long has it been? About 4 or 5 hours.

Anyway, today visited my uncle. When my family and I went to their door, the first thing I noticed was that my aunt's hair was unusually a bit more unkempt and her sweet countenance now had a tinge of sadness. More skinny than usual.

"Auntie! Happy New Year... God bless..."

"Boy... how have you been?"

"I'm fine... you ok?"

But at that point, my parents came into the house, so didn't get to hear her reply. Was worried for her health.

Then my uncle came in. Was momentarily surprised to see him so gaunt. And splotches here and there on his once-firm and healthy skin. He walked unsteadily as he made his way to his seat.

My mum and I noted the six or seven clock ticking away on the walls. Gadgets here and there. A modern, pristine Apple computer at the corner. Radios, VCRs and two TVs. And that was just for the living room.

"Hi! How've you been, Robert?" My uncle called to my dad.

"Fine, thanks! How's the chemo been?"

He slurred a bit weakly. "Nah... Ok, getting better... I went for an operation."

I got up and sat next to him. "Uncle, how's your health now?"

"I've got cancer."

"Oh I see... what kind?"

"The ... you know... the... pancreas."

"Pancreas? ... Isn't it a very dangerous cancer?"

"Yes, it is. Not many people survive. The mortality rate's very high. But, whatever happens, if we live or we die... it's all in God's hands."

"'If we live or we die, we belong to the Lord...'"

"Yah."

*thoughtful pause*

"So you are working now? How do you find your job?"

And we went on from there.

GCF: Repetition

A boss was educating an employee on effective sales technique.

"The main thing to remember is that repetition, repetition,
repetition is the keynote!" he advised. "If you have a product to
sell, keep harping on it in every possible way, cram it down people's
throats and beat them over the head with it! Above all, don't ever
forget to repeat and repeat and repeat! It's the only way to get results!"

"Yes, sir!" the employee answered.

"And now, what was it you came in to see me about?" the boss asked.

The employee replied, "A Raise! A Raise! A Raise! A Raise! A Raise! A
Raise! A Raise!"

(Visit the Good Clean Fun web site at http://www.kcbx.net/~tellswor/)

Now On To The Future... again!

Ok, looking at my past two posts... there's a pattern again - I was moaning about my convocation last year, and WZ reminded me in the same way this bro reminded me...

Lord, how do I break out of this pattern of insecurity and unrealistic expectations that I constantly overlay on others?

Thinking through what I've read in the Bible before... can only remember Galatians where Scripture tells to help carry others' burdens, and Philippians: "Each of you should look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others..."

Thinking. What are my CG's needs? And have I encouraged them? What are their burdens that I can help carry?

Suddenly. I think... I know what I need to do now.

Lord, help me grow out of my self into Your likeness. In Jesus' name amen.

The Plank In My Eye

Suddenly, I remember something one of my friends said to me. "Being loved is NOT the same as feeling loved."

And so many years ago Shirley told me that people do love me, but they may not love me in the way that I would expect.

My love languages are words and quality time. So if someone keeps on giving me gifts... mmm... :P or acts of services...

And I complain to them that I don't feel loved by them...

(which I did)...

no wonder.

hey! YA! wake up your ideas! how long has this mindset been? Trust people on the basis on their characters, not from just one isolated incident.

Edited to add:
Was sharing to another bro just now. He wisely said...

Bro:
if you expect certain somethings, it's hard not to be disappointed when people dun give what you din assk for ya?
but if i am going ahead of myself here, then it's ok

[yeu@nn] ... this tired feeling. says:
no no bro
it's ok
you make sense
...
but i suddenly realise something
in a CG aren't we convenanted to care for one another?

Bro:
yes. but that is an ideal, not the minimum where you start from
in a CG you grow to be able to apply the covenantal relationship naturally
but in the process, there is alot of trial and error

Me:
WOW
hee
tks bro
it really makes sense

Bro:
if at any point you think about how you are disappointed, think about the times when you disappoint others
i believe you hold the covenantal relationship very seriously also right? :)
so, if you can lapse, can others not do so too?

me:
you're right bro
hee
plank in my eye
tks so much bro

Bro:
no problem
remember that christianity is not about comparative righteousness, but about carrying each other's burden :)

Me:
bro...
i would hug you if you were here with me

Bro:
haha. thanks
that is refreshing as well. ;)

I Wish I Were the Most Popular Guy on Earth

Woke up in the morning, felt melancholic, 'cos I hadn't planned to meet anyone else up for lunch. Initially thought of meeting Tai Heng for lunch, but just felt didn't have much energy.

But I'm thankful for the refreshing time with another friend yesterday over supper. =) Ah. Must count my blessings.

Then I wondered abt my own CG. Seems like we're all doing our own things... and for that moment, I felt a sense of loneliness. But told myself that hey, a generous man will prosper, he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.

Told myself that they're busy, have their own things to do.

Then chatted with a dear bro online, and found out that one of the brothers in my CG had met up with this bro for lunch - and quite a few other ppl had joined them for lunch. To be honest, the first feeling was that of a sense of hurt and a sense of being left out, ignored even by your own CG.

Wondering why the bro from my CG didn't respond to my efforts to build friendship... despite all my efforts in the past to build r/p with him.

At that moment I just felt so tired that I had this sick feeling in my stomach. "Is it worth it?"

Then I remembered another bro who shared with me that he had felt the same feeling of rejection, of being unwanted and left out by his own CG. You'd be surprised - he's quite a friendly and cheerful guy who is socially mature.

Still, these are the moments you really wish you were more well-liked by others. That you were the most popular guy on earth. And there's this deep feeling of unwantedness...

And I must confess that it's inevitable. At work, sure... colleagues are colleagues and close friendships are the rare exception. Family... it's understood that if they don't share the same beliefs as you... there ARE bound to be differences. But in church?

*pause*

I'm trying to disentangle myself from my emotional state, take a step back and take a more sober look at the whole thing. To make sense of what You are doing here. To speak to my own attitude, my own self-centredness. It's normal... it IS the way things are... people won't or can't always appreciate the things that you do for them.

Oh. It just occurred to me that I had made a dear friend very hurt by something that I said last week... essentially I hadn't appreciated the care and concern or trusted the character of this person who poured into my life. No wonder this dear friend was very deeply hurt. But thank God for the timing. It was on the first day of the WFL course on relationships. And on the last day, I wrote this friend a card to say I'm sorry. And we talked on the phone the next day. This friend told me, he/she had struggled to forgive me, but God spoke to him/her... and I told her what I had reflected abt what I said... and I asked his/her forgiveness, and he/she told me these sweet words with a smile in his/her voice: "I forgive you."

Back to now.

I feel lost, for the moment. But God, help me make sense here. Help me just accept humbly in my heart that I am not the first person that people would want to ask out. And to count my blessings that I do have close and loyal friends whom I can count on.

And help me grow emotionally stronger through this time, no matter how much it hurts. Because You yourself were abandoned by Your disciples on the night You were betrayed...

Edited to add:
Ah. Was talking with the bro... not the CG one... and turns out in my emotional state (i was feeling tired in many ways actually), it wasn't really what I had thought it was. Ah....

Suddenly. I feel a lot better. Feelings are so damned deceptive!

Reflections:
Especially when you're feeling emotional, force yourself to stay objective about things. Ok!

CNY's coming!

Ah. Today's a relaxed day... just woke up. :) No need to go to work today, 'cos my company gave us half a day off and every employee not on essential duties also has to take half-day leave. (Yeah...)

Good timing too thank God... just feeling quite tired, in more ways than one. So need time to rest in Him...

And oh yeah, it's Jitsy's and Weizhong's birthdays today! :) Blessed birthdays dear friends!

Psalm 128 - I have a testimony to share!

Psalm 128
A song of ascents.

1 Blessed are all who fear the LORD,
who walk in his ways.

2 You will eat the fruit of your labor;
blessings and prosperity will be yours.

3 Your wife will be like a fruitful vine
within your house;
your sons will be like olive shoots
around your table.

4 Thus is the man blessed
who fears the LORD.

5 May the LORD bless you from Zion
all the days of your life;
may you see the prosperity of Jerusalem,

6 and may you live to see your children's children.
Peace be upon Israel.

While Pastor Ben was expounding on this psalm today during church service, I just felt God was prompting me to pray this psalm as a prayer of blessing for my parents. My parents are Christians, but they're not really committed to a local church, nor is their Bible knowledge strong.

Felt quite nervous when I felt this quiet prompting from the Lord, 'cos as you may know by now, I'm not very close to my family. But this year, I prayed that God will help me draw closer to my family. Because growing in closeness to my parents pleases God, and I know He wants me to pray for my parents to grow in loving Him more. And besides, He wants me to hold my parents in high regards and respect them, even though they may make mistakes, and stumble from time to time. Because Jesus loves them just as much as He does for me. (That was a humbling thought to me.)

So finally I mustered up the courage to approach my parents. Thought out a plan how to pray for them - wasn't sure how they'd react to my wanting to pray for them. 'Cos felt God wanted me to pray for the two of them TOGETHER. Wah.

But, wow! :D Thank God. I explained to my parents why I wanted to share Psalm 128 with them, to pray for them... explained that I felt God was telling me to pray this Bible passage as a prayer of blessing for the two of them.

And to my own surprise, I found myself thanking God for both of them, for how their long marriage has been an inspiration to me. Whoa. I couldn't have done it on my own - would have been too shy to do so. And I prayed specifically for long life, good health and prosperity for both of them in each and every way - be it spiritual, mental, emotional, not just physical or financial. And long life for them, long enough for them to see my own children grow up too. :D And for God's continued blessings upon their marriage. And I also prayed for myself to be a better son to them, to support them more as part of the family.

Hee. My parents were very blessed when I finished praying for them. And I felt a sweet shyness and joy fill my heart, knowing that God was very pleased with me. :D I faced my fear face-on and found that in obeying Him, this prayer that I prayed may been His key to opening the door to a spiritual revival in my household. :D Wow.

And now I know in my heart, not just in my head, that the Lord really longs to richly bless everyone on earth, to all those who call upon Him.

Romans 10:12-13
For there is no difference between Jew and Gentile—the same Lord is Lord of all and richly blesses all who call on him, for, "Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved."

HALLELUJAH! :D

E.T. - Emotional Training

Thank God again. :D For the training I've been receiving in learning to grow emotionally stronger. As Paul exhorted Timothy, "Train yourself to be godly."

And thank God for this particular dear bro purposely stepping on my toes these few days (he told me he did it on purpose, 'cos he wants to help me grow emotionally stronger).

Very funny. I was exclaiming to him over breakfast today: "Yeah... I know... but at that time, I was thinking, 'What the...' when you were doing these things to me."

He chortled. "Yes, I know! It was written all over your face!"

Grinning, he said, "Consider it emotional BMT. Wahahaha!"

Aw gee. So terribly touching. With friends like these, who needs enemies? Haha! Just kidding. "Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiples kisses."

There were some situations today where I somehow came face-to-face with things that triggered off my insecurity into full-gear. And the surprising thing is, all these fears came one after another. All in the same day. Whoa. I think God must really have scheduled everything very neatly.

But looking back at today, am very thankful... that's precisely the whole point of training. If you want to complete a race, you have to endure the pain of training first. And the training is not easy. It will never be easy. Carrying your cross is never easy.

But God is peeling away the wicked scab that covers my fears. And I see more and more how I am deaddicted to approval from others. But Jesus loves me too much to let me stay in the pseudo-comfort zone of my running away from my fears. He convicts me and reveals to me more and more of my deep-seated insecurities, and makes me face my fears face-to-face. I cringe inwardly, but my Lord tells me this:

"Yeu Ann, if you really want to save your life, you must learn to deny yourself the right to be emotional and put this insecure nature of yourself to death, no matter how much it hurts you. Imitate My example in living - and if need be, in dying too - no matter how much it hurts you. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it."

Wow. Persevere on, dear YA. May God equip you and grow you in the true boldness and confidence that comes from approaching His throne of grace in your time of need. Not to be afraid of what people think of you, but fix your eyes on Jesus, the Beginner and Completer of your faith. :D Amen!

Live for God. Because of Jesus.

Self-control (especially emotions) and not becoming panicky.
Thank God for today! Peter asked me why I was looking very panicky and anxious today. After some discussion... the main reason I panic is because I want to win people's approval. To please everyone.

He sighed. "You can't please everyone! It's not possible!"

"Yeeees. But... didn't the Bible tell us to please others?"

"What's your motive? Are you doing it because you want to win others' approval, or because it is right? You do something considerate because it is right. Not because you want to win their approval. See, the more you want to please others, the more nervous and panicky you get."

And so long I still haven't grown in this area. One of the bros wrote me a long heartfelt email to me back in 2004... this is an excerpt from his letter.

I do agree that not everyone find expectations comfortable or even encouraging, but I don't want you to see expectation as another "you have to grow" game, because it's not. Expectation and Acceptance is independent of each other. God's expectation and requirements for us is Perfect; yet so is His Acceptance and Grace and Love. Having an expectation doesn't mean I don't love you; on the contrary, it shows I do. In those I love, I disciplined the most. But I also want you to know that you are NOT living to meet my expectations, but living to please God. In all that you do, do you realize how every step along the way that God is cheering you on? Every step along your struggle is a battlefield between God and Satan, and yes, He is cheering you on.

And he concluded:

Don't live for me or for others, I certainly don't deserve it. Live for what God have put in you as your potential for significance; Live in faith; Live for God's appraisal - "Good and Faithful Servant!"

Live for God.

Very grateful to God for His love for me. I take comfort and encouragement from this promise that He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion till the day of Christ Jesus.

And. I want to fight again. To mount an assault against this stronghold of approval addiction in my life this year. Because God helped me breakthrough in building close relationships in 2005, and to grow in humility and especially openness. It was a very difficult time, but I still remember the starting date: 1 Sep 2005. Hee. But, remember what you learnt from your last "campaign", YA... without Jesus, you CANNOT do it on your own. But it is the presence of Jesus that transforms your heart.

Because this is going to be a harder battle to fight. For years you've been so eager to please people, to be compliant, wanting to win their approval. Without the groundwork of a close and secure trust in God's unconditional love, and a strong support of committed brothers who are dedicated enough to speak the truth to you in love, and humility and openness to let them probe into your life... this battle cannot be won.

Because an insecure person who has a habit of constantly seeking to please others has an emotional void in his heart that must first be filled up with God's unconditional love, and the assurance of a committed support group of fellow Christians who will help you grow, even if it means hurting you emotionally.

And take heart, YA! Remember 2005 - how the Lord Jesus captured this strategic point in your heart - and now He has sent in a group of wise, close and supportive friends who love you so much that they want to see you grow to your fullest in Him. Now you are able to fight the second battle...

The beachhead has been secured, and the reinforcements sent in. So, now onward to the Second Campaign! :D

(Hee! Very imaginative, I know... but it is encouraging to see this from a bigger, cosmic perspective... literally, a God's-eye view of our battles and the war for our souls, day in and day out.)

Ok! *rolls up sleeves* To work! Looking forward to a breakthrough in 2008 for the following areas:

• Career
• Relationships
• Economic
• Spiritual
• Health

Based on the above framework... my objectives so far for 2008 are:

1. Character:
1. Self-control, esp in emotional maturity and handling my frustrations. (Long overdue!)
   
2. Learning to be more objective in my judgements - not based solely on my feelings/intuition.
2. Ministry
1. HopeKids ministry - to define and implemnt a continual process for the MM production team. Also want to make a movie for HopeKids camp... it's the test of our process. Starting from end Feb... till June.
3. Relationships
1. Emotional dependency
2. *Breaking free of my approval addiction
3. Growing closer to my parents.
4. Building closer friendships with my CG, certain brothers and some other people.
5. See my friend TH come to cross the line this year... Hee hee! HQ invited him to come to church camp this year, and TH was interested... :D PTL!
   
4. Health:
1. Jogging twice a week. Go for half-marathon with my company this year?
5. Economic:
1. Save $300 a month, $150 for insurance per month. Straightforward.
6. Career:
1. Go for OOAD course and two other training courses.
   
2. Project Management skills...
3. Earn one grade better in this year's appraisal than last year.

But YA, remember your MOTIVES. Why are you planning? Is it to win men's approval, meet their expectations that you have to plan, etc... While it's good... I do want to do this because of Jesus. Oh! You idiot, YA, pray too! Alamak. Don't forget to pray...

Live for God. Because of Jesus.

Hate Evil, Cling to Good.

Sitting still, and thinking. Romans 12 says, "Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil, cling to what is good."

Do I hate what is evil? And do I cling to what is good?

Monitoring my heart's attitude, this verse speaks tons of my heart attitude... or rather, the lack of heart attitude towards good and evil. In this pluralistic postmodern culture, I realise I have a problem.

I need to have an intense hatred for sin.
And I need an intense desire for good.

But the problem is, how do I know what is evil? And what is good?

That's a major problem in today's world... people kill in the name of religion because they do not know what is good, and they are godless because they do not know what is evil.

And even for those who know the difference, all too often, there is a pathetic apathy towards the presence of evil in today's world, and a lack of eagerness to do what is good.

A form of godliness, but denying its power. And my heart is so like that. But I do want a heart that is after Yours, Lord.

Lord... thank You for showing me the condition of my heart. OMG. The heart is really deceitful and beyond cure. Who can understand their own hearts? All we like sheep have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way.

And!

Thank God also for the MC today haha... I needed the rest! And for the lunch with Daisy, and the good time of fellowship. And also for the time spent at NUS HQ again... =D Thank God for Nicholas' free ride down to the Bukit Merah Touch Community Theatre.

And thank God so much to see how the NUS community is having new faces... =D And for the quick dinner with Huanyan and his CG. :)

And great catching up with Eugene and Flince... very soon, they'll be finishing their last semester.
It's so amazing. With my own eyes I have seen them come, and with my own eyes I have seen them go. Whoa! I sound OLD. *sagely strokes imaginary beard*

Sessions 5 & 6 of WFL...

Session 5 was on "Unhealthy Relationships" that affect us very negatively and Session 6 on "Conflict Management". :)

In Session 5, we learnt to:

• Identify character traits and behaviours that reflect unsafe and unhealthy relationships in ourselves and others
• How to manage such relationships.

For Session 6,

• Discover and understand what causes our relationships to fail
• Discover the ways we manage conflicts
• Learn effective conflict management styles and skills
• Commit to a covenant of building relationships in biblical ways.
  

So cool! Just really want to thank God for this wonderful WFL... it helped me understand myself better, and not just that, but also one of my (non-Christian) friends is experiencing relationship problems in the sense that he/she can't seem to keep close friends for long even though he/she is a very nice person. I hope and pray that God will equip me with the skills and wisdom to help counsel him in this area of his/her life!

The assessments of my relationships have helped me know what questions to ask myself so that I can have a sober judgement of my own relationships. In addition, I realised my traits in me that cause unhealthy relationships... I'll share some of these:

• Compliants: Saying 'Yes' to the Bad
• "Such persons have fuzzy and indistinct boundaries; they constantly follow the demands and needs of others. They can't say no or confront others of their wrongdoing. This can even prevent them from recognising unhealthy relationships such as dangerous or abusive ones. They are unable to guard their hearts. (Proverbs 4:23)"
• "The following might be the reasons:
• Fear of hurting the other person's feelings (people-pleaser)
• Fear of abandonment and separateness
• Desire to be totally dependent on another
• Fear of someone else's anger
• Fear of punishment
• Fear of being shamed
• Fear of being seen as bad or selfish
• Fear of being unspiritual
• Fear of one's overstrict, critical conscience (guilt)
• Most, if not all, of these points apply to me. To be honest, I saw this attitude last time as being a nice guy, partly because of my insecurity and desire for people's approval.
  Think it does make people like me, but that'll be the reward that I'll get - just the approval of men. In introspection, I realise that I myself don't feel very enriched, edified or encouraged by friends who may be very nice, but seem to have bendable characters. On the contrary, some of my dearest friends, and even those who are acquaintances, have won my respect by the strength of their characters and personal convictions for the truth, for moral values.
  
• But thinking about this part... "The Bible speaks about compliance, but of a different nature. (Matthew 9:13)"
• 
  
• Controllers... realise that, to be honest, I tend to indirectly manipulate circumstances in an attempt to get my own way. E.g. sulking, whining, complaining... but thank God for His graciously showing me my hidden (and not-so-hidden) faults.
• One important note is that these kind of people are undisciplined - seekers of instant gratification.
• Furthermore, they are unable to take responsibility for their own lives, as they try to get others to treat them nicely, to make them feel happy, etc.
• It might work in the short run, but you'll only end up making your friends feel like domestic helpers... which is not a good thing at all.
• Critics: Putting Others Down
• This one... even though I can be very encouraging in speech at times... it is still only at times. Again, I must confess that, especially when I am tired and/or emotional, I quickly tend towards a critical attitude towards others who don't meet my own expectations (which can be very unrealistic at times).
• Taking stock of my life at this point, I think this is one area of my sinful nature that I have not fully put to death yet. Cannot! I must do my part, with God's help, to give people grace... and self-control to look first at the plank in my own eyes. (Matthew 7:1 - "Do not judge, or you too will be judged.")
• (This is something new that I learnt) Emotional Dependency: Excessive Nurturing
  
• What took me by surprise when Charmaine taught on it, was her comment that she is seeing more and more of this "happening in our church". Our shepherd-sheep style of discipleship is prone to this danger.
• "Emotional dependents are those who believe that the ongoing presence and nurturing of another is necessary for personal security (italics mine). Nurturing happens in many forms. At times, co-dependency where both parties are emotionally dependent on each other can also happen."
• When I heard this teaching, I was reminded of two things to really thank God for:
• For Peter's style of shepherding - he doesn't 'spoon-feed' me, but rather, has challenged me from time to time to take stronger ownership of my own life. For someone like me, I think this is one of the strongest foundations that he's laid in my life - the foundation of Jesus Christ, meaning that my faith lies in Him and Him alone.
  
  So, I think I can say, by God's grace, that if there should comes a time when Peter denies Christ (sounds just like a certain Bible passage leh), I'll be very, very sad, yes, but I know that Jesus Christ is the only One whom I have pledged to love fully with all my heart, with all my soul, with all my mind and with all my strength. People, well, God simply commands me to just love them as myself (that's a lot already)...
  
  No one can and must ever take the place of Jesus Christ in my heart - not even my dearest loved ones... not even my future darling wife or my children. And I want my future wife (if I marry) to love Jesus Christ more than me. Even if it means death for me, sure, go ahead by all means - for if she loves Jesus more than me, then she and I shall meet again in heaven and we will never be separated again for all eternity! :D How much sweeter can this truth get? Amen!
  
  But yeah, what I say just now... that is all by God's grace... because... the apostle Peter declared vocally he would die for Christ, but when it came to the crunch, he was one of the most vocal denialists. So... I really hope and pray that when the crunch-time comes for me, I won't cabut, but... if it comes to dying for Him, then let it be a quick and fast one.
  
  (Gee, it sounds awfully morbid, but well, it is the truth... millions of Christians in the 20th century alone were killed for their faith, so I'll not be alone. But I really, really, really hope and pray... that we'll continue to have a wise and honest government like ours - one that seeks to promote peace among all races and religions. Don't want to die if I can help it. You too, right? :P)
  
  
• Anyway! Back to emotional dependency... where was I? The second one... I think it might not be convenient to share here, but I'm thankful that we are holding through well (with God's help)...
  
  
• There's one more thanksgiving point too. As I went through the second assessment, which is a checklist for emotional dependency, of course there were many, many items in the list that showed me up clearly to have a strong tendency to have emotional dependencies.
  
  But realised as I thought through again the checklist, that even though there are a lot of these points that apply to me, I realised that over the years as a child of God, a lot of these points were gradually minimised to such a degree that they are no longer a threat.
  
  Not that I have been made perfect - it's more of like a cancer patient being in remission. If I don't guard my heart against these danger points, they'll come back in full blast and cause damage (even irreparably) to my relationships. That tend to happen when I am spiritually dry, by the way.
  
  Still! Thank God so much... this checklist helped me recall how I was like before I became a Christian. So emotional, so possessive, so insecure, so uncontrolled, so unrealistic... hee, very grateful to Jesus for one of my atheist friends (who was from the same sec school as me)'s testimony about how "Christianity transformed my life". :D But that is the transforming power of God's grace and truth indeed.
  
  On a more sober note, I reflected and realised that there's this particular relationship that I have. In this relationship, I tend towards emotional dependency a lot of times... and not just as the 'needy' one, but also would derive a sense of security from being the 'needed' one.
  
  (Thank You so much Lord for teaching me this and pointing this out to me.)
  
  Not that I should end this friendship, but what I learnt from the notes is that "[a] healthy friendship should be free, generous, promotes personal growth and encourages development of new interests and skills."
  

I haven't even touched on Session 6... but yeah, it really is a very helpful, comprehensive and timely Word For Life course for the whole church. :D Thank God again for the bros and sisters, both the speakers and the researchers, who prepared this course! :D

Oh yes. After the WFL, some of the brothers and sisters all went for supper at McDonald's.

'Twas a good time had by one and all, and we feasted on Twister fries, sundaes and hot tea. :)

Anyway... it's very heartwarming, 'cos... everyone of them in the group is attached already. Almost every bro is attached to one of the sisters in the group... and it was so hilarious but also very encouraging listening to the brothers share testimonies of how they told their significant others their true feelings.

Oops! I was starting to dwell in sweetness there and then. 'Cos was thinking about a certain sister. ;)

But! All in the Father's perfect timing. Thou shalt not rush, YA. "Delight yourselves in the LORD, and He will give you the desires of your heart." :D

But actually, thank God, it was a small breakthrough for me... 'cos a lot of thoughts (not only BGR dreams etc) were going through my mind at that time. But thank God for His help... I remembered my prayer to Him yesterday that He'd put me through situations like these to help me grow in emotional self-control - i.e. not being distracted by my thoughts and emotions. It was a difficult mental battle to take captive of these thoughts, but yeah, with God's help, I triumphed in the end and exercised self-control.

(Encouraged also, 'cos a dear friend prayed this prayer for me too: that You'll put situations in my way to help me grow.)

Thanks Lord for hearing our prayers... =) Great is Your faithfulness! And excited to see what new battles for my heart and mind to be fought... but I need Your help here Lord to grow, 'cos I can't do that on my own! And help me remember that it is BECAUSE OF YOU that I choose to grow, to be holy in all I do... it is YOUR LOVE that must compel my heart's motives, and nothing else. Yes, in Jesus' most wonderful name, amen!

Thank God for the time with Peter today. :) For the guitar playing. And also... for something else he asked me.

I found out that I'm still the same in handling my emotions. Still very panicky and anxious.

"How can you lead ... next time if you keep on being so anxious? How will you be able to be a good husband, a good father next time?"

Also, my emotions cloud my mental judgment, causing me to have unrealistic expectations and superimpose these expectations onto my friendships, causing hurt, damage and alienation in the process. And after the damage is done, I start wallowing in worldly sorrow.

*Sombre thoughts*

So Peter asked me to think about how I can make plans to grow in this area. And something touching too, he asked how he can help me train up in staying calm under pressure.

Actually, the situations that I become very panicky is when I sense that someone is angry or frustrated or irritated with me. Then I start worrying what the other person thinks of me. Feel that he/she is judging me.

"Ah! That was the same back in NUS... How have you progressed [in your life] since 2 years ago?"

A long pause.

Told him I need to go back and think about it.

*******

Spent a few hours reading my Bible and praying. Thank Jesus so much. :) It was a very good time being with Him. It's amazing - I was sick, but still felt more and more healthy when I was praying in the Spirit. Reminded of Moses fasting for 40 days without water some more, when he was in the LORD's presence.

And I prayed, besides other prayers, asking God to help me grow in emotional maturity. 'Cos realise that actually I can think reasonably well... if I do not get overwhelmed by anxiety.

And also being controlled by my emotions is a self-destructive path. Honestly. Read the book of Judges, and something that I saw was how Gideon, Jepthah and Samson... they all had fears, and even though God used them mightily, they still had emotional outbursts. Especially Samson. How childish he was.

And looking at their lives, it was like a mirror to my own life. It doesn't matter how great my talents or skills or knowledge are - if I don't stay close to Jesus, let His Holy Spirit dwell deeper in my heart, if I do not take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ...

Then this little emotional outburst here and there will be a deadly tumour that will wreak havoc in my relationships - both with God and with people.

But I was reluctant to surrender my feelings to God. Asked Him why so? Didn't You create us to have emotions? Isn't this about being real?

And He reminded me from His Word that He really is full of emotions. After all, wasn't Jesus filled with compassion for the sick? Wasn't He filled with surprise at the Roman officer's faith? Wasn't He filled with joy when He saw the Father's work at hand? Wasn't He filled with agony when He was crucified?

But one thing... He was never controlled by His emotions. Rather, emotions are to follow the truth. He was delighted when He saw the Father's will being done.

So that made me think. Not only being sombre and self-controlled... to the point of being emotion-less. "Rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn."

Am I filled with joy when I see people believe in Jesus?
Am I filled with anger when I see injustices fill the news daily?
Am I filled with peace when there are difficult times?
Am I filled with confidence when it comes to doing what God has commanded me to do?
Am I filled with cheer when the situation seem discouraging?
Am I filled with zeal when I obey the truth?
Am I filled with compassion for the lost, hurt and sick?

God knows my heart is so lacking in emotions when it comes to the truth, but when it comes to my own desires, suddenly my emotions jump up! Hmm! Cannot! Must reverse this pattern!

=)