surprised by wonder

CRASH Operation Safe?

2012-01-30T09:42:00.001+08:00

Hi Yeu Ann,

Thank you for your inquiry. My name is Nao and I am replying to your email on behalf of Yoshiko.

There are a few positions you can volunteer for in this children's program. To volunteer as a station leader, a person would need to be able to read and speak Japanese pretty well (the manuals are in Japanese). However, to volunteer as a crew leader, a person only needs a basic level of Japanese to communicate and play with the children.

If you are participating for the first time, the first time will be a training session, and you will not be asked to do too much other than playing with the children and participating in group activities.

May I ask where you are from?

If you have any more questions, please feel free to email us.

God bless,
Nao Teruya

EXCITED. :DDD

Okay, okay, calm down, Yeu Ann. :) Haha. See what happens next... but yes, Lord, I'd so much love to serve the little ones there. :))) See where God leads me!

And on a more sober note, this means having to do a CRASH course (get the pun?) in basic Japanese... but yes, thank God, He who helped me learn Spanish and even Chinese will help me learn Japanese too. Ganbatte!

Love That Teaches And Guides

2012-01-29T22:47:00.000+08:00

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you with my loving eye on you." Psalm 32:8

What a joy it is to rest in His beautiful instructions and counsel at the end of the day after a day of worries. To hear His words, words that drives away my fears and rebukes my doubts, just as He commanded the storm to be still.

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Why Fulfilling God's Call is Possible?

2012-01-29T00:47:00.000+08:00

Matthew 28:16-20

1. God's Amazing Grace (v16-17)
"... but some doubted."

Even in the midst of their worship, some doubted.

(Thinking about myself. Mixture of trust and doubt, faith and fear...)

The amazing thing is that God still entrusts His Great Commission to us.

God is amazing. We are amusing. xD

Pastor Jeff shared about his feelings of incompetence and inadequacies

Lord, build Your church so that the world will know it is not us, but You and You alone who deserves all the glory and honour. That all the credit will go to You and not to us.

2 Cor 3:5-6 "He HAS made us competent..."

2. God's complete authority (v18-20a)

We must use the authority God gave us for good...

1 John 4:4

Prayer! :)))

We are to be like little children!

The testimony from South American children

3. God's inseparable presence (v20b)
surely
always
very end

The antidote to fear and uncertainty: His presence

God's call will always involve God!

Acts 4:13

God is the Difference Maker

-------
Reflections:
- God's confirmation through various people that I didn't mishear Him. Wow. And felt a huge assurance from Him personally too during service that He is indeed sending me. Whether to Japan or Ecuador or wherever else... I know each country is a step to fulfilling His specific calling for me, with His specific role for me, at the specific time and places and people too.

- Timothy Yeo's prayer for me when I went up to the front to be prayed for. Asked him to pray for me with regards to missions and maybe church planting and children ministry. He prayed really fervently. Was so ministered by his prayer. And I think I saw his eyes were moist after he had prayed for me.

- This sermon. Directly speaking to me. :) Faith restored to overflowing. "Consequently, faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word of Christ." Indeed, so true!

- Kelvin's insight in the morning about specificity: the more specific the calling and timing and place, the clearer it shows God in the picture. Just as Ps Jeff preached a few hours later: "God's call will always involve God!"

(Being specific in your criteria about BGR is a different story btw. More complicated. But yeah, I've always wanted God's fingerprints to be more clearly shown in the picture, so that His name may be glorified even more. Amen!)

- Cheng Teng coming up to me and telling me about how his mum had been inspired to invite a few of her students to service, after I visited her home this week. Wow. I told CT in return that all this wouldn't have happened if he hadn't brought his brother for Hopekids service. And none of the amazing things that happened were due to strategic planning or human effort, save for obedient responses to what we know Gid wants. All the chain reactions and "coincidences" belong to the Lord, who is magnificent and powerful in wisdom.

- John from the Africa group telling me how encouraged he was to see me so often. Deeply touched and encouraged too.

- God's grace to me through it all. When I doubted, he was there with me. When I feared, he was there with me. When I felt lost, he was there with me. In all these, he patiently moulded and hammered and tested me.

Yes, he is the yesterday and the today and the forevermore God.

I saw heaven standing open and there before me was a white horse, whose rider is called Faithful and True. With justice he judges and wages war. His eyes are like blazing fire, and on his head are many crowns. He has a name written on him that no one knows but he himself. He is dressed in a robe dipped in blood, and his name is the Word of God. The armies of heaven were following him, riding on white horses and dressed in fine linen, white and clean. Coming out of his mouth is a sharp sword with which to strike down the nations. "He will rule them with an iron scepter." He treads the winepress of the fury of the wrath of God Almighty.

On his robe and on his thigh he has this name written:
KING OF KINGS AND LORD OF LORDS.
(Revelation 19:11-16 NIV)

Absolute faithfulness,
absolute justice,
absolute war,
absolute vision,
absolute authority,
absolute knowledge,
absolute goodness,
absolute truth,
absolute righteousness,
absolute purity,
absolute victory,
and absolute supremacy.

Yes, fulfilling God's call is absolutely possible.

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Hebrews 12

2012-01-27T13:28:00.000+08:00

1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

God Disciplines His Children

4 In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. 5 And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says,

"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
6 because the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son."

7 Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? 8 If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. 9 Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! 10 They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. 11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

- Again, a timely reminder from God to submit to His disciplining. It's tough to be a child of God, but the Bible reminds me to FIX my eyes on JESUS. He is the one who wrote my faith, and shall perfect it. He who suffered, nor glorified.

If Jesus can do it... so can I. Yes, because He is 100% human too... and He is 100% God, who is with me.

Sense even tougher times are coming. What else can I do, but strengthen my feeble arms and weak knees?

Scared. But Lord, show me grace and mercy I pray. No idea what's going to happen next...

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F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

2012-01-26T23:59:00.000+08:00

Great time with Weizhu again. After several times moaning to him, it's so nice to just talk and chill about random stuff once again. I think this fun happens when I get my mind off my worries about tomorrow and just, well, enjoy the time together. That's why it's called the present. :)

Nice to walk around his old childhood block with him and listen to him share about his past too.

Think that's one of the joys of friendship - not just to support or comfort, but to also laugh together. I think I'm moving on from enjoying friendships that have things in common to just enjoying the other person for who he/she is. Not about the person meeting up to a set of ideals, but just as God enjoys that person for who he/she is.

Love God with all you have and all that is in you, and love your neighbor as yourself.

Think these two greatest commandments are a powerful recipe for building great friendships that transcends all sorts of barriers - and takes away the stress and obligation of trying to please everyone too.

Sent some feedback to another dear friend a couple of days ago. She misunderstood where I was coming from, and got so angry at it. Thank God I had anticipated it, and explained to her that she didn't have to change her response to me at all. Just for her info, that's all.

She went orhhhh...

But yes, she explained in turn why she had done what she did as well, which she intentionally meant to show her care as a friend.

I then went orhhhh...

Lol. But yes. It's so important to accept friends for who they are at present, even while spurring one another on towards love and good deeds.

Just as Peter told me before: "True friendship means you can be yourself before the other person, and don't need to hide!"

:))) thank God for him!!!

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2012-01-26T09:52:00.000+08:00

From Shuyi's blog:

I saw the earth lit up. It didn't just happened suddenly. It was as if God turned the knob a little by little until the earth was fully lit up then He proceeded to turn the knob the other way round until darkness.

Because of His actions, I saw the sky changed in color. Black, dark blue, light blue, pink, orange and ta-da! I suddenly realized I could see the world around me in all its colorful splendor.

I can only imagine a wonderful God who would design something so beautiful.

Reminded of this video:

Great post! And refreshed and reminded again that in the midst of all our feelings of troubles and lousiness, it does wonders to the soul to go out and take a look at God's creation once in a while. Or actually, as often as needed. :)

I remember the German theologian Dietrich Bonhoeffer observing, during World War II, the still-pristine beauty of the forests of his ruined Germany. And he remembered that even in the middle of the most devastating war the world had ever known, God's creation and beauty still shone as a symbol of hope above all the damage and destruction that mankind could wage.

Ok, so Europe in WWII didn't really have nukes then (thank God). :) But hey, even Chernobyl now has a beautiful undisturbed forest where no man literally dares to tread. (Just read Nat Geo to find out more.) So maybe in the long run, even if humans were to nuke everything... God's creation would still win out in the end.

Comforting thought. "The earth is the LORD's and everything in it."

Awaken in me once again a sense of childlike wonder, Lord.

Encouragement Verse For Today

2012-01-26T09:34:00.000+08:00

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” Philippians 4:8 NIV

The Greater Serving the Lesser

2012-01-26T00:37:00.000+08:00

Thank You so much dear Lord for Andrew. Went to his place to see how his injury from yesterday's cycling was, and prayed for him. Then he asked me about my day, and I shared. And generously blessed me with two bottles of Yakult. He sensed that I had more to share, so he, entirely on his own initiative, went down with me and brought me to a quiet spot, asking me to share more.

So touched by his Christlikeness and selflessness. It's the kind of grace that exudes from him that never leaves you feeling condemned or that you have to meet up to a certain criteria before he can accept you, but simply... Christlikeness and a listening ear.

I felt ashamed so many times, but not once did I sense anything from him saying that "you ought to do better". He did agree more when it came to the good things that I shared, and of course, rightly so. =) But even that was full of grace and mercy.

Grace shows us God's standards... and then reveals to us the goodness of what can happen when one becomes more and more transformed into Christlikeness. That kind is so attractive, the kind that instinctively drew people to Jesus, while the Pharisees drove them away.

I was deeply ministered - this was more than human kindness here - this was the unity of the Spirit between two brothers through the bond of peace, and the love for one another: whence the greater shall serve the lesser, rendering special honour to the less significant members. This is the truth of the kingdom of heaven, and this will be our inheritance and future glory. The one who can accept it should accept it.

Psalm 73:1-22

2012-01-25T22:39:00.000+08:00

2012-01-25T21:44:00.000+08:00

But at this moment I suddenly remember some people of true grace. People such as Andrew and Weizhu. Rare treasures such as them. And some others.

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Oh, My Goodness.

2012-01-25T21:42:00.000+08:00

(Lord, I want to be more thoughtful and sacrificial towards others. More servant-hearted. Just feel ... quite ... sigh. That I'm not being the best that God made me to be, even at the current level.

And more Word-centered. And less of an ass.

Yet I know also I'm trying to earn approval from others by being good, or at least matching up to their standards of good. Or perhaps at least the corporate standard of goodness as we understand God's standard to be.

These are days I find it so hard to be a Christian. When the weight of fears and struggling to meet up to some perceived standard of goodness come upon me.

And that sound of grace is but a distant echo in my mind.)

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A Missions Trip of Sorts

2012-01-24T21:32:00.000+08:00

And again God surprised me today.

Visited CH's place today for CNY. (CH is one of the kids who takes the bus to Hopekids. And his mum's from China. She's a believer too.)

Well, his mum put plenty of food on my plate. :) And this verse came to mind as she piled my plate up generously: "Eat whatever is set before you, for the worker is worth his keep."

(In context, the Lord said this when he was instructing His disciples regarding missions.)

Anyway, the cool thing was that she had a couple of other guests over - both were also Chinese. She introduced me to them as the Sunday School teacher, and took the opportunity to invite them to church too.

So inspired by her example.

And so prayed that God would give me an opportunity to somehow share more with the guests.

And He did!

One of the guests started talking about people giving money to the church - sensed he was rather skeptical about churches. (I'm pretty sure it had something to do with today's news.)

Explained a bit to him, so hopefully his heart might understand more and be more open next time.

Then the other one, the mum invited for service. Got his number. Should be connecting him to How Joo and Sijia soon.

What I'm feeling right now... it really felt as though I was in China, doing a house visit. Eating Chinese-style steamboat and listening in to conversations in fluent Mandarin...

Quite a surreal experience.

:) A good preview of what it'd be like to be overseas in a different culture, doing cultural immersion.

But maybe this is the real deal anyway. :)

And grateful for the limited Mandarin I could speak.

And above all, amazed to see how just serving in Hopekids bus ministry can open up a whole new path. Interacting and reaching out to Chinese people.

Ok gotta go. Meeting Dean, a dear bro from OMF, to fellowship.

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One of The Most Powerful Encouragements I've Ever Received

2012-01-24T02:08:00.000+08:00

"I don't think you ever heard wrongly. It might be an Isaac moment like you said. I only wonder what is the Isaac? The things you gave up for the calling, or.... the calling itself? Whatever it is, I believe that you hear from God clearly at every turn, because among the people I know, you are one of those who walks closest to God. If he seems to be making you walk in circles, just keep listening as you have done."

:))))))) Thank You so much dear Father for this wise friend You have put into my life.

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Strange Mail

2012-01-24T01:55:00.000+08:00

Just got an email invitation to submit an abstract to an ecumenical eco-theology conference in Canada. o_O

Looks strange, and above all, it was unsolicited.

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"No Place To Lay His Head"

2012-01-23T19:24:00.000+08:00

Just had an online discussion with a few dear friends about missions. After I had finished answering their questions online about my plans and considerations, I felt so overwhelmed that I teared.

It's so paiseh to start tearing in a public cafe.

But good thing I was sitting alone.

All these questions about plans and considerations... how do I answer them? I might just as well give an answer to what is 1/0. Best plans I can give are valid only as far as one week as best - things are changing so fast and new things are popping up.

In fact I received news from HY just now that we may have to apply separately to Japan for CRASH. Which makes me consider going alone too for the next one: 23rd March to 1 Apr.

But I found on the CRASH website about this just now:

Date: Feb 10（Fri) to Feb 11（Sat)
Place : Hokushin Calvary Church
Time: Leaving Hokushin Calvary Church at 5pm
Plan: Support 20 children younger than elementary school age from Hokushin Calvary Church to Urabandai Seisyounen Camp. They will stay 1night and come back to church on Sun. We will provide bus for their transporation.
Volunteer Requirements: Kid friendly
*Please note, Japanese is not required.

So do I go off straight away? Nah... I reckon March may have a similar event. I think I will email.

But the way things are... anything can happen in the space of literally a few minutes. So I have to adopt this new philosophy: Carpe diem. Just follow the Lord's leading. And just let Him lead me as I move ahead on my own. Because there was a prophecy prayed over me last Dec that I don't have to be afraid - just do whatever I have in mind for the Lord, and He will guide my steps accordingly.

One friend asked me about my planned trip to Ecuador. I dread the possibility that she can't understand.

*lays head on table*

And this verse comes suddenly to mind:

As they were walking along the road, a man said to him, "I will follow you wherever you go." Jesus replied, "Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head."

I think I'm out of my mind to follow Christ to this extent. Well, whatever. Just enjoy the show...

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Learn To Suffer In Glory

2012-01-23T17:48:00.001+08:00

Weird topic, yes? And to type it during CNY... but anyway, just a reflection of life, triggered by some observations. Reflecting on the dilemma of whether God, who is good, is also the source of bad things, or at least, allows bad things to happen.

I think I'm arriving to the conclusion that yes, God does give and take away. He does harm us if He so chooses. He does allow bad things to happen - just read Job. Oh yes, He has plans to prosper and not harm us... but that would be for a group of people He chose graciously. Others, He chose for poorness and where death happens daily. Just like what the Catholic priest observed about his Domician parish.

To conclude that only good things come from God and that God cannot ever do things that hurt us is childish theology - the kind that God rebuked Job's three friends for. After all, reading the prophets, I see clearly that God WILL destroy and ruin and ravage and wipe clean everything. Obviously that is rather bad.

Like how He used the Babylonians to wreck the city of Jerusalem, and send its people into exile. Yes, He did that before, and He can do it again - yes, He WILL do such a thing again.

But He does promise to turn the tables around, and to redeem.

Like how the exiles were the ones who were truly safe in God's hands. That He would bring them back after 70 years. How He used Daniel, Mordecai, Esther, and other exiles to tell the pagan nations about the one true God.

So for me... yes, I think it's reasonable to ask God why He let it happen. Why He lets some of us suffer. In fact, as CS Lewis observed, we should be asking Him why good people do NOT suffer.

This is our inheritance: to suffer together with Christ.

But here we differ from the non-Christians. We suffer with redemption's glory in mind.

Therefore, as His chosen people, this is how we should learn to suffer:

Therefore, since Christ suffered in his body, arm yourselves also with the same attitude, because whoever suffers in the body is done with sin. As a result, they do not live the rest of their earthly lives for evil human desires, but rather for the will of God. (1 Peter 4:1, 2 NIV)

Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. (1 Peter 4:12-13 NIV).

Man. Am I morose or what? But yes, I think he who is prepared for the hardships of war is best equipped to take advantage of peace.

So God will not spare His own children from judgment. But at least they live.

If you are insulted because of the name of Christ, you are blessed, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests on you. If you suffer, it should not be as a murderer or thief or any other kind of criminal, or even as a meddler. However, if you suffer as a Christian, do not be ashamed, but praise God that you bear that name.

For it is time for judgment to begin with God's household; and if it begins with us, what will the outcome be for those who do not obey the gospel of God? And,
"If it is hard for the righteous to be saved,
what will become of the ungodly and the sinner?" (1 Peter 4:14-18 NIV)

Amen. So then, those who suffer according to God's will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good. That is our lot, our privilege and our inheritance in Christ.

Wait till we see the final victory. But in the meantime... stay faithful unto death, trust their Maker, and continue doing good.

CNY Thoughts: The Same Old Things

2012-01-23T05:07:00.001+08:00

Had a good chat with Kelvin on Saturday, right after HopeKids. Simple but meaningful, and as usual, wise words from one who has walked, stumbled, fallen away and returned to Him.

=) Remembering that, I remember too about what he shared with me. That it's normal to have ups and down - in fact, it'd be suspicious if I said all is perfectly well and everything's going fine. Arched eyebrow from him too haha.

It's the young and immature believer who expects life to be a culmination to a grand "BEYOND GODLIKE" mode - if you can sustain your "killing spree" a la DOTA - whoa, you're all set to succeed spiritually. But that's falling right into the devil's trap.

For then what is the meaning of this Scripture: "And we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance character, and character hope. And hope does not disappoint us because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit whom He has given us."? What else does the epistle to the Romans teach? That sanctification is a process - and a lifelong one at that. In our quest to be holy, let us not get separated from sound doctrine.

Anyway.

So he reminded me about praying and not worrying.

And that the same root will manifest itself in many issues, in many seasons. If you think you've done with the problem of insecurity, that's true only for one season. In the next, you'll face the same old root issue in a different form. But to get rid of the root issue... many times God chooses not to just snap His fingers and let it be taken away. Otherwise we'll miss the transformation process that comes from struggling with the same old root issue again and again. When the time is right, God will remove it. But meanwhile, persevere, and whatever happens, don't fall away. Don't retreat. Don't get pinned down. Just keep moving on.

And he told me about a brother who was a chain smoker. He basically smoked, and struggled to quit. He persevered and persevered, though of course it was discouraging. After marriage, he smoked again. After becoming a Christian, he still smoked. After his first son, he still smoked. Till the time came when he received a word from the Lord in a church camp, and then he went out to have another puff... and suddenly had a moment of clarity - shall I smoke or not?

He decided not to, and that was that.

But the freedom came from God, and the power to decide was given by Him. That was the right timing. For a chain-smoker, that's an awesome testimony.

But what if the brother had smoked just one packet, and then after that, quit? Then the power of God could not have been revealed very much.

Wow. Thank God for this dear veteran's insights. It's the younger and less mature leaders who told me that I should be done with the root issue once and for all. But... that's rather far-fetched.

:)

I also see His transformation process in me. I still struggle with nervousness in performing and speaking on stage, even though I enjoy it and have the skills too. Mainly because I'm still very insecure about how others will see me. But I see how the past 6 months, God has put me on stage to conduct technical training. And I realize that my best moments are when I am most myself. His power is made perfect in weakness. Not when I try to imitate someone else's style, but when I choose to focus on delivering the message most effectively in the way I know best. Not to focus on the audience, but on the substance and content.

And now, I'm comfortable with talking to kids from the stage - I like it. Haha. And to go with the flow.

Still, I feel awkward when it comes to doing drama, because somehow I feel constrained by others telling me that I shouldn't be so dramatic and in my own world at times. Yet ... it is part of what I am.

:)

(But they are not me. And I know God made me to be, well, me. As Hong Teck would say, "You are right just what God made you to be. Celebrate and have some ice-cream.")

*pause*

So I'm still insecure. At least I'm learning to recognize the incoming rounds of insecurity and temptation faster.

Kelvin told me that it's helpful to recall familiar portions of Scripture that help to counter these same old rounds.

Because the same old Scripture can neutralize the same old root.

Yes, new things to come but it's always about building on top of what we have already attained.

Just like how pro footballers, when they train, they don't just dream up new strategies. They most of the time practice on the basics again and again. How to kick a ball properly. How to aim. How to tackle, defend and so on. Very basic.

Most facepalm failures on the field are due to lapses in the basics.

Prayer, Word and worship. Someone mentioned last time about learning exciting new "ministry technologies". About being innovative, etc. It's nice... but it's not really very effective to imagine ourselves as being innovative in ministry. Yes, we present the same old truths in fresh new ways.

"Dear friends, I am not writing you a new command but an old one, which you have had since the beginning. This old command is the message you have heard. Yet I am writing you a new command; its truth is seen in him and in you, because the darkness is passing and the true light is already shining." (1 John 2)

If we really want to see a new thing in our lives, then hear the old command and live out its truth in our lives ("its truth is seen in Him and in you")... then it will become a new command to us personally.

It amazes and appalls me how we become so jaded every time we go for Sunday sermons and then say we want fresh new teachings, new bread and so on. Friends, we are just like the Israelites who complained about the "same old" manna in the desert. They craved fresh meat, fresh veggies and so on... and God said, sure... and you'll end up as fresh corpses in the desert.

"These things happened to [the Israelites] as examples and were written down as warnings for us, on whom the culmination of the ages has come. So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!" (1 Corinthians 10)

Word.

Unless we change and become like little children, we will certainly never enter the kingdom of heaven. We will always be seeing but never perceiving.

'Cos little children have the remarkable capacity to see the same old things in fresh new ways every day. Likewise, may my heart too be childlike that I can see the same old sunrise with a fresh new song of praise each day.

Because that is the secret to a contented heart. Otherwise we'll be hankering after fresh new experiences, fresh new miracles, fresh new insights and so on. We won't be satisfied, and we can never be.

I have had younger Christians ask me, how do you find and maintain the joy in the Christian life?

I think the answer is simple: learn to be like a little child. See the same old things in a fresh new way every day. One grain of sand ought to hold fresh new wonders for you each day. And scientifically speaking, it is truer than you realize. Like, sand to make sandstone for a pyramid... sand to make quartz for a precision watch... sand to make computer chips... the same old sand across different epochs. Seeing the same old sand in fresh new ways. Don't tell me now that you can't see much in a grain of sand now, can you?

Can one verse likewise bring forth fresh new wonders in our lives each day? Yes.

Whatever new things there are, that is God's role.

"See, I am doing a new thing... A new command I give you... Behold, I am making everything new! Write these down, for these words are trustworthy and true."

God's role is to create. Ours is to steward and care for, to maintain and to multiply.

God innovates, we imitate.

God makes all things new, we bring old things to Him to renew.

So...

Happy New Year, my dear friends, and may we be transformed by the renewing of our minds, so that we may be able to test and approve what God's will is - His good, pleasing and perfect will.

Amen and Hallelujah!

Nachos and Breadcrumbs

2012-01-23T02:53:00.000+08:00

Feel troubled and insecure again. While others wish Happy New Year, I wonder whether there's any meaning to that, and also, whether my own wishes would make a difference? One thing I've observed on Facebook, for example, the number of likes is pre-determined not by the quality of the person's sharing, but whether that person is popular.

So I often wonder, is it worth the time and effort?

*shrugs*

Perhaps it's not worth the time and effort. But I remember telling a sister who was afraid to encourage others: Sis, just go ahead and encourage. I had a bro who told me that I should copy-paste the Bible passage I'm referring to, while another bro told me I should just give the reference. Go figure... so just go and encourage in your own way lor.

*shrugs*

"To what can I compare this generation?"

Nachos

:) Sorry, just some melancholic snippets.

Oh btw Journey 2 was great! Adventure and all that. Nice feel-good movie - perfect for a family outing. I like what Dwayne Johnson's character said about responsibility. :) Good manly role-model. Even the father character, who played a silly joker, was a caring and a devoted man who literally went the extra mile to try and find a way to raise $ for his daughter's college education. Touching.

:) Plus I was happy to see that the script, while stretching the limits of credulity at times (but hey, it's a sci-fi movie for the family, so who cares?), was tightly written and well-constructed. No silly irrelevant details - everything played a part. Shows good quality and smooth pacing too... :)

My mum loved it, so am happy to see it made her laugh.

Bought nachos for the family too. It's a nice thing to be able to treat my family to snacks, especially out of my own pocket.

*pause*

Time's passing by fast. They're growing older and older. Some day I'll have to say goodbye to them for the last time here... but at least I'll see them in heaven. :)

But I wish it didn't have to be this way. But that's the fact of life here - almost everyone has to cross life's chilling Jordan River. =)

So, as Jim Elliot said, "Wherever you are, be all there." :)

Not a long life, Lord, but a full one.

Ah. Japan. Yet more challenges await. First the planned trip to Ecuador got changed. But now there's an opportunity to go to Japan with Huanyan. But I may get delayed, as my sister is coming from England with her family to visit us for ten days. It's confirmed already - from 9 to 19 March. Huanyan would likely fly off on 17. So maybe I'll have to fly off on Monday? Really unsure how everything is going.

But haha! I'm coming to expect it, and welcome the uncertainty in life - not for its own sake, but as a way for me to see God's steadfastness and faithfulness in all these. I'm not trying to talk positive here - I think that's as helpful as playing cheerful music on the deck of the Titanic, but I'm simply choosing to see the spiritual reality here - and it really is good. Just like what Caleb and Joshua said about the Promised Land: "We can certainly take the land, because the LORD is with us."

Well. Choices here and there.

Breadcrumbs

Just prayed and prophesised what I sensed to a couple of dear friends. It's never easy. Even when it's a good word, I keep on saying it in a strongly-worded way. I wish I didn't say like that. Yet... if it's from the Lord, how else can I put it?

Sad. Even when I'm announcing good news. Worried whether it sounds judgmental. God judges, not me... yet, well... sigh. Never mind. They often shoot the messengers of bad news, so I'll just have to get used to it. Praise the Lord and pass the ammo' - glory hallelujah - 'cos I'm gonna see Him real soon.

But happy to see a dear friend respond with joy. :)

Am I making too much out of this prophetic ministry? No, I don't think so. I just think not many of us have dared to explore this aspect much more, even though Scripture clearly says that He gave first, apostles, secondly, prophets... and so on...

So I'm journalling down breadcrumbs. It's nice to know God chose a former skeptic like me to have the gift of prophecy... 'cos I'm probably the most skeptical person when it comes to evaluating the prophecies. Haha... But yes, heartening too to see a bro from another church - he's a brilliant scholar, a former atheist and a top-notch mathematician - exercising the gift of prophecy too. Supernatural indeed... but I think that's a beautiful characteristic of God: He chose the things that are not to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before Him. Like, choosing former skeptics and atheists to claim to hear from God directly. It's so preposterous that only God can do such a wonderful thing. "The stone the builders rejected has become the capstone; the LORD has done this and it is marvellous in our eyes." AMEN!

Desiderate

2012-01-22T23:38:00.000+08:00

Lord, help me grow in gratefulness and kindness this year, I pray. For that is what you want, I know.

To stop dreaming about tomorrow and give thanks for today.

Yet... what about justice and righteousness as well as kindness? For in these You delight too.

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Thinking About Bible Study

2012-01-22T16:04:00.000+08:00

I read on FB about a bro in Japan who has been undertaking Bible study with a bro here in Singapore.

Very encouraged.

Then I wonder how to lead someone in Bible study. Not the topical kind, but the one that you go through a book in the Bible.

But I think I'm worrying too much about how to do it. Should just let the Holy Spirit lead me.

And it's simply about reading systematically and then sharing what we have learnt, and also the background info too, etc. And helping align the younger ones' understandings in accord with sound doctrine. :)

That's why I like leading LG discussion.

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The Deeper Life

2012-01-21T16:44:00.001+08:00

Gratitude.

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Learning Childlikeness in Children's Ministry

2012-01-20T19:24:00.001+08:00

At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, "Who, then, is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?" He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. And he said: "Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me. (Matthew 18:1-5 NIV)

Just happened to chance on this. Reminded of my feelings of inferiority that I wasn't serving in greater roles in children's ministry and felt guilty.

But my attitude is wrong. It hinders me from experiencing the kingdom of God in my heart and from seeing the kingdom of God at work among us. What is a little child like? I should know! Yet I did not see clearly, for I did not choose to see.

Reminded too of a discussion I had with a dear bro who serves as a leader. He thoughtfully commented that certain parts of our church probably placed too much emphasis on "rising" up, and pushing people into uncomfortable zones that their strengths and callings clearly were not in.

I remember Hong Teck mentioning about this, albeit in a more humorous note. About how there was a rule that all life group leaders were required to lead worship once in a while... until his turn came. Then they scrapped the rule. xD

Funny! But HT said, even if you have to bear with weird rules in the church sometimes, just cheerfully bear with them, and God will take care of you.

of the rules at the right time. And think about it... as little children, when we went to school, didn't the rules all seem weird to us? Perhaps some rules were not conducive to our natural strengths for some of us... but well, we learnt to grow up, suck it in and take it as big boys and girls. To take the bad along with the good, and just laugh and go along with the silly ones if they weren't too off.

And then we grew up, and realized that the old rules we played by and even became comfortable with were obsolete. If we tried to stick to the old rules of school for the working world, we would be told to grow up and wake up our ideas.

Old wineskins, new wineskins.

The new rule of the kingdom is that we learn to become like little children once again. That is the good news of the kingdom, for when we do, we find that we enter paradise regained.

To laugh, and take the tiniest chair... :)

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The Goodness of God's Bad News

2012-01-20T00:43:00.001+08:00

Ezekiel 2

“Stand up, son of man,” said the voice. “I want to speak with you.” The Spirit came into me as he spoke, and he set me on my feet. I listened carefully to his words. “Son of man,” he said, “I am sending you to the nation of Israel, a rebellious nation that has rebelled against me. They and their ancestors have been rebelling against me to this very day. They are a stubborn and hard-hearted people. But I am sending you to say to them, ‘This is what the Sovereign LORD says!’ And whether they listen or refuse to listen—for remember, they are rebels—at least they will know they have had a prophet among them.

“Son of man, do not fear them or their words. Don’t be afraid even though their threats surround you like nettles and briers and stinging scorpions. Do not be dismayed by their dark scowls, even though they are rebels. You must give them my messages whether they listen or not. But they won’t listen, for they are completely rebellious! Son of man, listen to what I say to you. Do not join them in their rebellion. Open your mouth, and eat what I give you.”

Then I looked and saw a hand reaching out to me. It held a scroll, which he unrolled. And I saw that both sides were covered with funeral songs, words of sorrow, and pronouncements of doom.

Ezekiel 3

The voice said to me, “Son of man, eat what I am giving you—eat this scroll! Then go and give its message to the people of Israel.” So I opened my mouth, and he fed me the scroll. “Fill your stomach with this,” he said. And when I ate it, it tasted as sweet as honey in my mouth.

Then he said, “Son of man, go to the people of Israel and give them my messages. I am not sending you to a foreign people whose language you cannot understand. No, I am not sending you to people with strange and difficult speech. If I did, they would listen! But the people of Israel won’t listen to you any more than they listen to me! For the whole lot of them are hard-hearted and stubborn. But look, I have made you as obstinate and hard-hearted as they are. I have made your forehead as hard as the hardest rock! So don’t be afraid of them or fear their angry looks, even though they are rebels.”

Then he added, “Son of man, let all my words sink deep into your own heart first. Listen to them carefully for yourself. Then go to your people in exile and say to them, ‘This is what the Sovereign LORD says!’ Do this whether they listen to you or not.”

...

After seven days the LORD gave me a message. He said, “Son of man, I have appointed you as a watchman for Israel. Whenever you receive a message from me, warn people immediately. If I warn the wicked, saying, ‘You are under the penalty of death,’ but you fail to deliver the warning, they will die in their sins. And I will hold you responsible for their deaths. If you warn them and they refuse to repent and keep on sinning, they will die in their sins. But you will have saved yourself because you obeyed me.

“If righteous people turn away from their righteous behavior and ignore the obstacles I put in their way, they will die. And if you do not warn them, they will die in their sins. None of their righteous acts will be remembered, and I will hold you responsible for their deaths. But if you warn righteous people not to sin and they listen to you and do not sin, they will live, and you will have saved yourself, too.”

Just thinking about it. It's difficult to prophesy when God gives you words of woe. It kind of sucks to be the messenger of bad news, if y'know what I mean.

But stirred by the book of Ezekiel. He was 30 years old when he received God's commission to prophesy. Many words for me to take note and obey. First I need to let all His words sink deep into my own heart first. Listen to them carefully for myself. And then, go and speak His words to whom He wants me to speak to, whether they listen or not. And I would have to deliver, if not for their sakes, at least for my own - so that blood will not be on my hands.

Scary thought.

I think one reason why God wanted Ezekiel to literally eat His words (no pun here please...) was so that Ezekiel could be reassured of the goodness of God's words... and to internalize them, so that he would be able to prophesy with confidence even when facing heavy opposition.

Who wants to listen to bad news? Certainly not me. Yet, bad news can be as sweet as honey to him who chooses to listen and swallow. Don't think that just because it was in the OT that there are no more bad news. The NT has even harsher bad news - "I tell you the truth, it will be more bearable for Sodom and Gomorrah on the day of judgement than for that town." The reason the NT is so much better than the OT is because of the far surpassing good news - starker and clear, more black and white than ever.

And I think those who feel alarmed and sad for those separated from God need to remember how God Himself feels - even in the OT, He took no pleasure in the death of the wicked - how much more the NT where eternal condemnation is made painfully clear. Just think of His heart breaking, and you would have taken one step closer to understanding the heart behind John 3:16.

What shall be our response when we find that God is speaking to us? I think we may see it as three stages of growth:

1. Shrink away in fear, and obey because you fear Him and don't want to be punished. (Protect myself - like what the Israelites told Moses, "... We will die if we hear the voice of the LORD our God any longer.")
2. Heed it and obey because you know it's good for you. (Good for me.)
3. Accept it and chase God for more, because you want to love Him totally and be totally His. (It's totally about God, and not just about benefiting myself.)

Do I understand Jesus' heartbeat for us when He rebukes and discipline us? "Those whom I love, I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest and repent!"

That is the tender love of God - and if I saw His rebuke, would I accept it as an expression of tenderness?

Or do we let that accursed devil, the damned deceiver and the father of all lies - Satan the evil one - deceive us and cause us to see God as a harsh taskmaster, and not as a loving Father who would give everything up just to save us?

Yes, God Almighty has the power to destroy both our bodies and souls in hell, yet when we run to Him trembling, He defends us with a holy ferocity that only love as strong as death can bear.

I'll end with a story here.

There was a hunter who said: "I was with my friend one day hunting deer, when I decided to take a rest. So I stayed back at our compound, when all of a sudden, in the distance, I saw a tiny fawn frantically running for dear life from my friend's barking hounds. It was desperately looking for a way out but could find no way to escape. As the hounds closed in, it suddenly saw me.

To my utter surprise, it turned and ran right in my direction, and hid its trembling, shaking head right in-between my legs. I was temporarily dumbfounded by this totally unexpected behaviour, but then I saw the hounds homing in onto me, barking loudly. Suddenly, I threw down my hat, gave the loudest yell you ever heard, and beat the dogs off with my rifle. No power of hell would be able to move me from defending this helpless creature that had come to take refuge under me."

Yes, blessed indeed are all who take refuge in Him.

The Divine Dance of Grace

2012-01-19T12:36:00.000+08:00

From Shuyi's blog:

've always felt very inadequate especially with regards to my walk with God. And find it hard to minister to people. So I'm very grateful that when I brought Thomary around, God provided the people who could minister and I just had to lead Thomary to them to do the work.

...

[We] need to keep improving our skills so that we are prepared when God calls us to use it. With a large repertoire of skills, God can use us to minister to more people in more ways.

*nods!* So amen to that. The grace of God is able to lead us to minister to all men, whether directly or indirectly, as long as we are part of the Body of Christ. If you don't have the necessary skills or capacity to minister to someone, lead that person to the member of the Body that is able to meet the need best. If you do have, then minister directly.

And I think the beauty of a body is that the more it is put into use, and the more the members coordinate with one another, the more it becomes a divine dance.

Weizhu and I saw a man making prata last time, during our NUS days in the Engine canteen. This man made prata in a most unique way: he danced while making prata - so synchronous and well-honed were his moves. He could just toss a lump of dough in a certain direction, and you know that it would land there, just as intended - even while his other hand was already preparing the next lump of dough, while his eyes were upon the eggs, and his fingers, having finished tossing, now grabbing the egg... a beautifully rehearsed dance.

Yes, the dance of the Church, which is the Body of Christ. Behold as the Body, when all its members are in honed unison, dances to the unforced rhythm of grace, as on the dance of Mahanaim. And the watchers watch, and the gazers gaze, and together they marvel at the sweeping beauty that is the Bride, just as Christ intended Her to be.

"Why would you gaze on the Shulammite as on the dance of Mahanaim?" (Song of Solomon 6:13b)

Eyes to hands, hands to hearts, hearts to lips. Indeed. Each member leading to another, honouring one another and highlighting each other. Where no member is ignored or forgotten, and every part belongs to the others.

And some commentaries note that the dance of Mahanaim implies that it was a duet, just as it takes two to tango.

Yes, Christ in us, and we in Him, and the world will know that we are His disciples, if we love one another. Amen.

I'm grateful God used my writing skills to bless a dear brother last time in writing his resume. He in turn learnt the skill and blessed so many other people. I think about the various gifts and skills God gave me, and I marvel at how the skills and gifts come together in a redeemed unity that synergistically reinforce one another for the purposes God made me for. Like how writing beautifully helps me communicate using the gifts of encouragement and prophecy more clearly. How being able to speak before an audience to make sure they understand... and so on and so forth.

Yet there are so many things I cannot do. I need to keep pointing the needy to those who can minister even better.

Lamentations

2012-01-19T09:21:00.000+08:00

My eyes fail from weeping,
I am in torment within;
my heart is poured out on the ground
because my people are destroyed,
because children and infants faint
in the streets of the city.

(This stanza makes my heart ache... Starving children.)
They say to their mothers,
"Where is bread and wine?"
as they faint like the wounded
in the streets of the city,
as their lives ebb away
in their mothers' arms.

What can I say for you?
With what can I compare you,
Daughter Jerusalem?
To what can I liken you,
that I may comfort you,
Virgin Daughter Zion?
Your wound is as deep as the sea.
Who can heal you?

The visions of your prophets
were false and worthless;
they did not expose your sin
to ward off your captivity.
The prophecies they gave you
were false and misleading.

All who pass your way
clap their hands at you;
they scoff and shake their heads
at Daughter Jerusalem:
"Is this the city that was called
the perfection of beauty,
the joy of the whole earth?"
(Lamentations 2:11-15 NIV)

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Hard or Soft?

2012-01-19T09:18:00.001+08:00

If you know the truth about yourself, that you are not what others think you are, why then do you get angry and/or shrink back in fear when someone comes along and sees the real you?

Why hide, as Adam and Eve did?

And I think that is how God, in His wisdom, causes us to make increasingly black-or-white decisions. He first asks us, where are you? And waits for us to confess.

For, I think, confession is the first step of repentance. It need not always be a direct statement, but it must be a clear repudiation and renunciation of whatever wrong we have done.

Shall I repent? Or shall I accuse the messengers of speaking lies or things too uncomfortable for my itchy ears? Sigh. My own pride steps in the way of God's grace... my own understanding limits the reception of His wisdom.

And as time progresses, through these decisions - each starker and starker - my heart is increasingly clarified, till on the day of judgement there is no ambiguity as to whether I am a sheep, or a goat.

I think at each step, the more God has to step in and peel back more of the truth, the more grace that could have been ours, we forfeit. "Those who cling to worthless idols
turn away from God's love for them. (Jonah 2:8 NIV) Grace is shown to us each day, with great patience. But how will I respond at each step? Soften, or harden?

"Today, if you hear His voice, do not harden your hearts."

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10 Things Fear Causes

2012-01-18T23:45:00.000+08:00

From Perry Noble's blog:

One of the most frequent commands in the Bible is “do not fear.” (Once again…it is a command, NOT a suggestion!)

And yet every leader I know (including the guy I shaved with this morning) deals with fear. As I’ve traced my own journey through fear in leadership I wanted to share 10 things fear causes in our lives.

(When I speak of fear in this post I am speaking of fear of man – see Proverbs 29:25 – and irrational fear.)

#1 – Fear causes us to reduce the size of God and elevate the size and opinion of man.

#2 – Fear causes us to lead people in the wrong direction. (Remember when the Israelites wanted to GO BACK TO EGYPT and being slaves because they feared going into the land that God had promised them?)

#3 – Fear causes us to stay quiet when we should clearly speak up. (Mostly because many times we are OBSESSED with what others think about us, see Galatians 1:10)

#4 – Fear causes us to be passive about an issue that the Lord has clearly brought to our attention. (As Edmund Burke once said: ”The only thing necessary for the triumph [of evil] is for good men to do nothing.”)

#5 – Fear causes us to seek consensus rather than really seeking the voice of the Lord.

#6 – Fear causes us to not engage the broken, the hurting, the misfits and the neglected because if we include them in our lives and actually invite them into our homes then it could get messy. (I’m so glad Jesus didn’t have that attitude…if He would have then I would have been screwed!)

#7 – Fear causes us to refuse to embrace change because we care way more about being comfortable than being conformed into the image of Christ.

#8 – Fear causes us to control things and take matters into our own hands rather than trusting the Lord and trusting others. (People who are control freaks really do fear when things don’t go their way! BUT…remember, control is the biggest illusion in the world, I wrote about that here.)

#9 – Fear causes us to conceal sin and shame in our lives when God’s Word is so clear that we should ask others for help – James 5:16

#10 – Fear causes us to seek the easy decision rather than seeking the right one.

Missions Talk

2012-01-18T19:26:00.000+08:00

Notes from last night's talk:

Controlling spirit of Singapore... is the HOLY SPIRIT!

Because Jesus is risen FAR ABOVE all power and authority...

Luke 4: Jesus came back from the wilderness... full of the power of the Holy Spirit

He chose 4 v different men as part of His team
Andrew Peter John & James

Matt 5-7
Sermon on the Mount
After 400 years of silence...He came and spoke!
He spoke the Beatitudes

21 life principles for the disciples

He said don't worry, don't judge, etc...

Matt 8
The disciples see His power - their first short term missions

Teaches them the principles and then He takes them out

Matt 9
LOOK at the people - like sheep without a shepherd... get your eyes off yourself
Ask the Lord of the harvest to send out workers into the harvest field
Who is the Lord of the harvest? God!
Send: same Greek word as for casting out demons...
Ask Him to send me!

(Mobilize... Thinking of WW2 where the Russians were desperately throwing men into the battlefield...)

get beyond myself!

People are wandering aimlessly.

SEE & PRAY

An apostle is one who is sent out... There are no stay-home apostles.

Luke 10
Jesus sent the 72 out...

God says: GO!

GET OUR MINDS OFF OURSELVES! - reminded of my training today... I have a message to deliver...

The only stronghold mentioned in the new testament is that of the mind.

Are we demolishing the strongholds or are we reinforcing them?

Put your trust in God, not men.

MAKE DISCIPLES

Called forth buy name...

Monday - pray for 4 ppl from Parliament
Tues - pray for 4 ppl from Commerce
Wed - education
etc.

Pray for 4 unsaved people...

The right to speak into their lives too....

Spiritual attacks

Definition of a church
--------
A group of people who meet at a designated place & time to pray, worship & study the Bible together

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Church-planting?

2012-01-18T02:24:00.000+08:00

After the missions talk, one thing struck me: Pastor Mark's definition of church: a group of people who meet at a designated place & time to pray, worship & study the Bible together.

Realized that I can do that too. It's not that complicated or complex, church planting. Just gather a group of two or three more... and have prayer and worship & study the Word together.

Hmm... got plans. But small plans. But shall not write them here, because things are so uncertain these days.

Still, actually feeling excited. "You mean I can, too?"

As long as Jesus is there with us, and the Holy Spirit is in us, that should be more than enough.

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Heart-dentification

2012-01-18T02:19:00.000+08:00

On a brighter note, thank God for His helping me conduct the sharing sessions for students for my work. Essentially it's public speaking with a tech demo component, but the nerve factor is still there.

But I found that the best way (for me personally) to avoid being self-conscious and actually enjoy the talk is not to focus on the audience - even the friendly faces - but focus on knowing and delivering the content clearly & concisely.

And I decided to not bother about trying to look "professional" in their eyes. What's the point? They're students who are much younger than me. Just be fast, clear and concise... and just be transparently myself.

Did some unusual things like deliberately pause in the middle of the training and announce that I'm thirsty, and take a sip of water. And clear my throat dramatically. They laughed, because they could identify with my being thirsty, and a sore throat too haha. And I was being real in a field where everyone else was trying to look flawless.

Learnt this technique from watching different speakers, trainers and even singers. The most simpatico ones are those who know their content inside-out, able to speak clearly, and are also not afraid to let their human limitations show occasionally. We laugh, because we can instantly identify. But occasionally. ;) Because we do expect a modicum of competence from our trainers!

It reminds me of what Paul wrote in 2 Cor about choosing to boast in his weaknesses, and so not distract his listeners from the message he was sent to deliver.

After last year, I've observed that one of the most essential things in powerful public communications - whether speaking or writing, be it on FB or a public presentation, is to use a vehicle (be it a story or a common cultural element or a shared experience / understanding) that your intended audience can heart-identify with instantly. As the Spanish put it so well, muy simpatico...

But it takes skill and experience.

Interesting. Heart-dentification. A (survival) skill that Paul had to use quite a few times when surrounded by angry or unsympathetic crowds.

And I reflected... think being able to communicate clearly is a useful skill for a prophet or someone with the gift of prophecy. Like how Isaiah was able to use his aristocratic skill of poetry to pen down God's words in a magnificent manner. And how other prophets used dramatic imagery and devices to grab the listeners' attention, and make sure the listeners got the message clear. Not as in to persuade, but to make sure that whoever bothered to listen would clearly understand what the message from God was.

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One Niggling Doubt

2012-01-17T23:38:00.000+08:00

Have I really been faithful with the small things God gave me to do? I constantly struggle to hand in scripts on time in children's ministry. I think that is why I keep feeling very insecure about God's calling for me, and so many times I wonder how could He ever use me, when I am so unfaithful with even the smallest things. Not that He cannot, but because i cannot.

I don't trust myself to be faithful with small things. I know myself too well. Why would God want to use an unreliable amd untrustworthy person like me, actually? I can't even make it on time for so many things, I keep procrastinating and so on. And I don't think I can break out of this cycle after so many years.

Perhaps I've failed the test already! And therefore I've disqualified myself from being used very much by God.

This is the thought that runs through my mind quite often. I don't know whether I've really been a faithful person in ministry. So I don't meet up to His qualifications and therefore I won't be used by God then. Perhaps God isn't calling me after all...

-----
Sorry friends. I'm just being raw and honest here, and I think this may have come to your minds before too. If not, heh. If yes, I hope and pray this encourages you, that you know you are not alone.

I recognize some despair patterns present in the above confession. I know the biblical truth of God's grace and mercy, yet I wonder how to reconcile God's precepts to my present reality. I'm still trying to figure out, while guarding my heart to make sure I don't fall back into despair.

Do you recognize any despair patterns in your own thoughts and doubts? Then present your despair to the God of hope. I am a fellow despairing sinner myself, and the best tip I can give you is to cast out your net into the sea and plumb the depths of your despair, so that you can gather all your failures and fears and haul all the despair back into your boat, upon which you start sinking, and you fall prostrate, "Lord, away from me, for I am a sinful man!"

And I think we know how that turned out for Peter the fisherman. :)

"Don't be afraid; from now on you will catch men."

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Don't Get Left Behind

2012-01-17T23:14:00.001+08:00

Great missions talk just now at Textile Centre by a Pastor Mark Geppert. Touched. And one more step. And reminded of the power of just forming a small group, based in Jesus' own example, to meet at a designated place & time to pray, worship & study the Bible together.

-------
However, felt a pang of loneliness when I realized others were going off in their groups, but I had to leave alone. Of course, I went there by myself from my unit's farewell from Sandra so the rest were nomming dessert. Lol.

But anyway, I've put my finger on this. The feeling of wanting to have a "tribe" to belong to, where you can be waited for. The sense of community. And I now recognize why I felt so affected and lost that time during the second last prayer meeting, when there was none of my LG ppl around. Felt like a sheep separated from its flock. Still, i did my best to minister to others and pray for them. Then God led me to go to Clarence, who started praying prophetically for me, which really pinpointed how I was feeling, though I hadn't told me. Broke into tears at that point because God and Clarence cared. :)

So I ask myself, is it worth it to stay behind to ask the speaker questions while the others go off? I think the loneliness engendered may not be worth the little knowledge gained. Better to go back with the others and share what we have learnt.

New resolution to myself: Make sure I do NOT stay back to talk with the speaker while the others go off first. The missing out on fellowship is NOT worth the extra knowledge gained.

Yes, sounds tough & crazy & "unspiritual". But I know fellowship for me is more important than asking questions to learn. Because we learn more together as a community. Amen.

I say this for myself personally. Feelings of loneliness and being left out are like RPGs to my spiritual armour. I find that I need a community of like-minded believers daily, even if it's just one more brother. Because if it's good enough for Jesus to be there with two or three in His name, then it's good enough for me. If it's good enough for the Acts 2 church to meet daily, then it's good enough for me.

Lord, so I pray, if You are willing, help me break this personal habit of asking questions after a talk, because such a habit leaves me vulnerable to negative feelings of loneliness when I find myself being left behind and alone. Stupid prayer, i know, but You will give me wisdom. In Jesus' name, amen.

------
The power of encouragement reaches its zenith in a community. Note that Scripture commands us to meet up together as a habit, and so be able to encourage one another vigorously. People talk about how God encourages them when they seek Him in solitude, as though it were the most spiritual level of encouragement. But that is only half-true - which is easily exploited by the devil. Yes, God encourages personally, but His preference has always been that the community encourages one another. Why else did He first say, "Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another, and all the more as you see the Day approaching?"

The solitary Christian life is a very vulnerable life indeed.

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"Alternatively..."

2012-01-17T00:45:00.001+08:00

Thank God for Huanyan's prayer for me. It sure is encouraging to have a missions-minded brother to pray together with. Perhaps next week we may join the YWAM people to pray together for missions.

And laughing at all the "Alternativelys" that HY proposed when we talked about the missions trips. This is something I learnt about HY - he's very resourceful!

Yet reminded that God works in mysterious ways. And heartened to read about how Paul struggled with the issues of changing plans from 2 Corinthians. He didn't make these plans lightly, yet he knew he had to change them as needed.

Yet he remembered that the message he preached was not "Yes" or "No". But in Him it has always been "Yes".

Something that I struggled with in prayer after I got back home. I read about the sufferings of a missionary, and I knew that these might be mine too. I did struggle - and I still do - with the idea of totally letting go, and in the words of HY's prayer for me, cast myself into the river and go where the waters take me to, out into the open sea.

This is where all my understanding is breaking down. Friend, you know the testimonies I have shared así tried to make sense of what God is doing in my life. But I think I got it all wrong. Perhaps God wanted me to make sense of all these things so that I might learn NOT TO RELY ON MYSELF, but to depend on God. Not to try and trace out His hands or even where He could be leading me - but simply just learn to live day by day, as He leads.

Such a teaching runs counter to our wisdom. We keep asking each other what our dreams and plans are. We share our resolutions. They are nice... and as reliable as your local weather forecast. *shrugs*

I think part of the discipleship lacking in today's generation is that we have not taught them how to be good sailors. What I mean is that we have taught them how to structure and lay out the life that they want for themselves, or for the more spiritual ones, what they want to do for God. We have taught them to be good steamers, plowing on through the icebergs of life. But we have not taught them how to read the signs of the times, the winds and change tack in accordance with the changing winds. We want to be masters of our own destinies, captains of our own souls, as Churchill so pugnaciously proclaimed. We admire driven people who know where they're going and what they want.

Bull. For Christ will have none of that.

I remember a great and godly Christian who serves as a Member of Parliament. "Where He calls me to, I must go." As simple as that. And I see how at least one driven choleric person who diligently makes resolutions every year - and actually works hard to fulfill them... submitting more and more each year. This year he hasn't done his resolutions yet - so unlike the younger one I knew, because he is still waiting on the Lord and thinking and praying through.

This is where his natural goal-oriented personality is slowly becoming one that submits and waits as a servant.

Dying to self.

Such a difficult challenge for me - I know what I desire and find hard to let go fully. But I MUST.

Thank God for Shunyi's prophecy for me regarding me pushing the boulder. Powerful and encouraging. Perhaps this is the boulder that stands in my way. One more push, and we'll see the open fields before me.

Puzzled

2012-01-16T10:21:00.000+08:00

Just received a call from Shenteng. He told me that he'd discussed with Julian about the possibility of me helping out with the children's ministry there. Thing is, they're not focusing on children's ministry at this point in time, and they think it wouldn't be strategic to spend all my savings to go to Ecuador and then back.

So thoughtful of Shenteng, to ask me how I felt.

I told him that frankly, I felt puzzled and a bit disappointed. Not about the outcome itself, but puzzled as to whether I had heard from God correctly. :)

This is always the fear I have with regards to obeying God's voice. I often doubt whether I'm actually hearing His voice or just my own imagination. I guess that's part of my skeptic heritage from my school days, when I believed (and still do) in the importance of empirical value of science.

Was I being presumptuous?

(Hmm. I think the good thing about verifying, though, is that when you are indeed presented with evidence beyond reasonable doubt, then there is no reason why you cannot obey. Logic and reason are a double-edged sword for anyone who seeks evidence - if you truly love the truth, you will seek what you find; but if you were just seeking to discredit in order to buttress your own viewpoint, you'll find the truth to be a sword of Damocles over your head as a sign of the judgement to come.)

Sigh.

But I guess after seeing all sorts of plans being laid aside last year, I'm more thick-skinned already. Just act justly, love mercy & walk humbly with God. And of course, the time in 2009, when I was wondering whether God had really shown me the right sister as promised in a prophecy. Yah, I sound like some overly spiritual freak. Whatever. I think I am. At least I'm Jesus' freak. :)

A few things come to mind here. I'm the Lord's servant. He says go, I go. He says stay, I stay. Where He is, there I must be.

At this point, I'm reminded of Abraham obeying God's voice to sacrifice his son Isaac. He did everything obediently up to the very point where he was about to slay Isaac... when God countermanded the command.

Maybe this might be the case for me? That God has countermanded? That I was willing to sacrifice everything... and He said, "Ok, can drop your knife now."

Thing is, stuff like these is fodder for skeptics. There was this flowchart on 9gag.com that mocked prayer: "If God answers prayers, Hallelujah! If not, the Lord works in mysterious ways."

It definitely looks ridiculous to the skeptics. And sadly to say, yes, as a Christian, I have to say that this is the answer that I have.

But I know there's more behind that statement. :)

But maybe He really told me. In that case He will make a way. There's a lot of things that can unfold in the year ahead.

Oh well. Follow Him one step at a time.

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"You Shall Go Out With Joy..."

2012-01-16T02:09:00.001+08:00

Haven't written much the past few days. Super busy with Shawn & Jeannie's wedding thanksgiving video, and submitting my manuscript for some book competition. Also prepared for Hopekids skit, and had a good refreshing workout through basketball.

Had a great and epic chat with Robert and Melissa too. :)

What I think changed within my heart was the certainty that God qualifies me. It's a certainty that, I daresay, is just as strong as my uncertainty last year.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." I think what I'm feeling and thinking right now is faith that is real.

But where did it come from?

I know it definitely is based on 2 Corinthians, and somehow, God's assurances through so many channels simultaneously is really very clear.

"Consequently, faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word of Christ."

Amen!

Saw so many things change in myself when God's word stepped in. Like, I was having a great time talking with the kids in LG today. It hasn't happened for a long time. Stuff that would bring me down faster than a missile were no longer discouraging, because I remembered God's promises and held on to them.

Ah! Shield of faith in action! No wonder the flaming arrows didn't get me down... "THIS ... IS... SPARTAAAAAA!" Praise God...

Incidentally, I'm really very encouraged still by Shunyi's prophetic encouragement - and also her childlike faith. I realized her type of faith, where her heart is so soft towards God that a "normal" sermon, or even a Bible verse that was shared is sufficient for her to take notice - and BELIEVE.

That kind of childlike faith, I want to renew it again. I think I've become increasingly adultish in my faith - which is not what God wants. Adultish faith is one step too close to spiritual adultery (idolatry), I think.

So God, help me grow and be like a little child again in my faith I pray. T have a faith that is fierce and free, one that will not quietly sit down in a padded pew, but one that clambers onto the highest chair, and shouts out the full message of this new life with childlike joy - yes, a joy so contagious that even the mountains burst into song.

"You shall go out with joy and be led forth in peace, and the mountains shall burst into song..."

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Prayer Meeting Notes II: Prophecy

2012-01-13T22:10:00.000+08:00

A prophecy that I believe the Lord gave me for 2 groups of ppl in the church:

1st group
---------
This will be a much critical time where His careful guidance is much needed as we navigate challenging paths. But stay close to Him as we follow His leading. Opposition is bound to come, but when you see this, rise up, for your time has come.

He will stand and shepherd his flock
in the strength of the Lord,
in the majesty of the name of the Lord his God.
And they will live securely, for then his greatness
will reach to the ends of the earth. (Micah 5:4 NIV)

Keep in step with the Spirit...

Then: Those the Lord has rescued will return.
They will enter Zion with singing;
everlasting joy will crown their heads.
Gladness and joy will overtake them,
and sorrow and sighing will flee away. (Isaiah 51:11 NIV)

This is going to be a new year of uncertainty - much uncertainty because we will be entering new fields and places / ways to reach out to reach out and share the love of Christ.

This is going to be a critical period of spiritual warfare as you move out into the Kampong Glam area. But know this: You are the Body of Christ, His presence in a difficult yet promised land, just as the Israelites had to fight the Canaanites.

Keep fighting on, till the land is completely yours in Christ!
---
2nd group:
-------------
You are among those whom Isaiah 61:1 is prophesied -

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of his splendor. They will rebuild the ancient ruins
and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
that have been devastated for generations. (Isaiah 61:1-4 NIV)

Brothers and sisters, I sense deeply that the Lord has placed a deep burden in your hearts for certain groups of people, especially those from broken families and homes. You are called to be His agents to restore this broken generation, because many challenges will come to this nation in the next few generations. You are called to rise up here in this land to be His examples of justice and righteousness in an increasingly darkening land.

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Prayer Meeting Notes I

2012-01-13T22:09:00.000+08:00

Thank You Lord for the promise and the prophetic word spoken through Hong Teck as I responded to the altar call just now.

For You to open my ears to hear Your voice and trust in Him and not my own understanding or others' understanding, but to be sensitive to Your voice, not that of the world, as You do a fresh new work in my heart this year.

Help me Lord hold firmly to the word You have planted in my heart, and to hold on to the security that You give me.

Thank You so much Father. I am Your servant, Your son through Jesus Christ my blessed Lord and Saviour.

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Communication of a Credible (Person)

2012-01-12T13:59:00.001+08:00

I had a discussion just now with my boss (asked him lah, not the other way around) to see how I could improve my communications and updating skills during meetings.

Thank God for him, very helpful and patient - it helps he was a teacher before.

Principles of effective communications in giving updates

1. Make sure I speak loudly enough for everyone else to hear.

2. Use domain-specific keywords (aka a common lingo/jargon) where possible to facilitate and speed up comprehension (e.g. "cohort" instead of "a group of these students")

3. Pre-emptively anticipate expected questions beforehand

4. After finishing discussion, sit back and reflect on whether there were any puzzled/critical looks, and how I can put my replies / sharings in a better and more comprehensive way next time.

("Next time." I like that phrase. More progressive. And not condemning. Formative evaluation, so as to speak.)

I realized that this applies not only to my workplace sharings, but also LG sharings. For better or for worse, this applies to all human communications, and it's about making it easier for the other person to understand, or "grok". Servanthood here.

I then asked him, "One problem with doing self-reflection, for beginners at least, is that they have no starting point of reference or guidelines for them to start thinking from. So how can they get started?"

My boss thought for a few moments and then replied, "Well, after the thing's over, just sit back and reflect on whether you got any critical looks. And ask yourself how you could rephrase better, and how you would answer your own questions."

LOL. That's true. We do have a starting point of reference after all - reading the other person's face. BTW face-reading is a skill that can be taught. I don't know about autistics, but from what I've read about researchers who have done research into this, it is essentially a matter of very carefully noticing which facial muscles are triggered and in what combinations. It sounds pedantic, but truth is, it's really fascinating. And such face-reading is accurate simply because it's very hard to twitch/untwitch your facial muscle on command easily, even for the most hardened liars.

:) It's just whether one trains himself to notice and pay attention, and more importantly, whether we see the value in doing so, just as whether one sees the value in being able to listen to the tune, arrangement and mood of a song, or the tonal subtleties and composition in a photograph.

And biblically speaking, there is a precedent - an apostolic one too - for working so hard on making sure we are understood, and not misunderstood, in all that we say.

2 Corinthians 1:12-14
"Now this is our boast: Our conscience testifies that we have conducted ourselves in the world, and especially in our relations with you, with integrity and godly sincerity. We have done so, relying not on worldly wisdom but on God’s grace. For we do not write you anything you cannot read or understand. And I hope that, as you have understood us in part, you will come to understand fully that you can boast of us just as we will boast of you in the day of the Lord Jesus."

Paul had a clear conscience, in part, because he knew that he had communicated clearly through clear words and clearly clarified intentions.

But I think now, about Peter the apostle being accused by fellow believers, "You went into the house of uncircumcised men and ate with them." Did Peter worry beforehand when he visited Cornelius? Perhaps. But he didn't try to defend himself preemptively, but just went on with his ministry work until people went up to him and asked him why.

And I think Paul did likewise too, while also updating the Jerusalem church whenever he could.

They are role models for me to learn from, because I worry a lot of times whether I'll be misunderstood, which I can sense sometimes. But I think I shouldn't let that drag me down, but just keep doing what I'm doing for the Lord, until people come and ask me to give a reason.

I think back to the times that I had to clarify with various people on and off. I realize that the most effective communications are those that are straight and to the point, but not being accusing as in "You never did this or that...". Forget hoping that people will understand subtle unspoken cues and hidden meanings - that may be an integral part of certain cultures, but I think such cultural practices may not be biblically sound, as they only lead to increased underlying tension and hypocrisy, which God hates.

Ah. Asking from my boss to learn more. I was suddenly reminded of the times in secondary school when I would pursue my Science teachers to learn as many things as I could from them by asking question after question. Well, I did have the subtle intention too of showing my Science teachers how eager I was to learn. Yet I did also want to learn more.

Hmm. :) Ah yes. Why not the things of God too?

2012-01-12T12:03:00.001+08:00

Sometimes it's tough to be, but not to look like it. I know God looks at the heart, but men can't help but often look at the outwards.

Question: To what extent would it be good to let others see and hear about good deeds done? And to what purpose? What if I have mixed motives?

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Second-Guessing

2012-01-12T11:27:00.000+08:00

"Realized I feel very anxious when I feel someone may be second-guessing my intentions. It doesn't feel good not to be trusted. I realized that's why I don't like the way I tend to do things - it's often different from the norm. I think I want to be conventional so that I can be trusted and welcomed."

That's the irony. Insecure people feel insecure about being second-guessed, and yet go around second-guessing others. Mexican stand-off. Mutually assured destruction. Etc.

Thank God for people whom I can feel secure with - because I know they will not second-guess me. There's a dear friend for example, where for a period of time I was worried whether he was double-guessing me too, so I asked him directly. Then he assured me that he wasn't - and just as importantly, what he did after that showed me that he was genuine and genuinely appreciated our friendship too.

So nowadays when there are times I feel unsure again whether he's just being nice or really is busy, I immediately recall what he said and did, and I again know that our friendship is genuinely two-way.

Do I sound like I'm saying that everyone should be like that? No. I'm simply describing how I felt and how I learnt to manage this. I've some other good and close friends whom I don't meet up very often, and oh, of course Huanyan - his words may not always sound to the casual observer as very loving or even humble... but knowing him for quite a few years, I can testify he genuinely is a humble and loving brother - even when his written words don't seem so at times.

That's the thing about trusting people.

There's a funny but insightful observation about the difference between eating with a friend and an enemy.

If your friend were to dump his entire plate onto your lap, you'd laugh it off, but if it were your enemy, even the way he held his fork would make you angry.

Am I writing this to someone in particular? Yes, and no. But mostly no. Because this post is not intended as a prescription, but simply as a description and observation of how life is, as it really is, so that we can understand - and by God's grace - accept one another with all our failings and sins, just as Christ accepted us.

But after having said all these, I must confess I'm not sure how I can overcome my own insecurity that is a thorn in my flesh day after day. Perhaps the best way that I've found works for me is something like how John Nash, featured in the classic film "A Beautiful Mind", handled his schizophrenia that caused him to see and hear things that weren't there. (Just like how insecurity often causes us to assume certain things of others that are not true such as "they hate me", "I can't meet their standards", "they don't love me", and so on)

How John Nash overcame his schizophrenia, was not by having no symptoms at all, but by learning to depend on others to help him discern what was true or not. One memorable incident was when he was approached by someone who told him that he'd won the Noble Prize for economics.

John stared at the person in front of him, and then turned to a grad student at his side. "Tell me, is there someone standing in front of me?" The grad student replied, "Yes."

Only then did John Nash believe the person in front of him. Humbling for a great mind to have to rely on a grad student to help him discern what was real or not, John Nash knew this: that he needed the help of others to overcome, and not to trust in his own senses.

That's how it is with being part of a community. As I've mused before, I've found that the best place for a person struggling greatly with insecurity and feelings of being unloved and unwanted is a place of gracious acceptance - come as you are... insecurity and all.

*pause* By right I shouldn't have received all these blessings. I know full well the penalty for being insecure and even clingy, yet I've received so much grace. And I think because of the grace that I received especially from Peter and Weizhu last time, in turn I didn't judge others who "stuck" on to me, but spoke to them as a fellow struggler so that they too could become aware, just as I was made aware, instead of judgmentally thinking, "They should know better, what." And together we have been helping one another onwards towards love and good deeds. (I mean that literally, not just because it sounds nice.) Mercy triumphs over judgement...

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Depths

2012-01-12T09:23:00.000+08:00

Father, let the depth of Your Word deepen the depth of my love for You and Your people, through understanding more the depth of Christ's love and grace; the height of my joy through the comprehension of the depth of my redemption.

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Intimacy with God

2012-01-12T00:04:00.001+08:00

Flow, river, flow.

Just feel so touched. Lord, draw me nearer to You once again. In all my inadequacies, I now see You exalted. And I'm so grateful. :)

Give thanks with a grateful heart
Give thanks to the Holy One
Give thanks because He's given
Jesus Christ His Son...

And now let the weak say I am strong
Let the poor say I am rich
Because of what the Lord has done for us
Give thanks...

Father. Thank You. This looks like winter's really past. Once again.

And the songs are coming back again, like the swallows of spring.

And everything's coming to a conclusion of this chapter.

Hope and a future.

Psalm 27:4-5
"Una sola cosa le pido al Señor,
y es lo único que persigo:
habitar en la casa del Señor
todos los días de mi vida,
para contemplar la hermosura del Señor
y recrearme en su templo.

Porque en el día de la aflicción
él me resguardará en su morada;
al amparo de su tabernáculo me protegerá,
y me pondrá en alto, sobre una roca."

And thank You for putting a new song in my mouth. I long to be more intimate with You, Lord, so that I can be a greater blessing to those around me. Father, draw me nearer, draw me nearer, to the beauty of Your holiness.

Amen.

Every Opportunity for His Glory

2012-01-11T22:39:00.000+08:00

Just passed by Bishan Library, when I suddenly was reminded of its weekly storytelling sessions. As I mused about it, I was reminded of my dream to do storytelling.

Then, for some inexplicable reason, I remembered Hanhui's life example. He's now working full-time in the church office as a Bible teacher - the culmination of his dream to help our church grow in the depth of God's word, and so steward well the gift of teaching that God has given him.

Suddenly, it dawned upon me that I could sign up for weekly volunteer storytelling sessions with the NLB. Why not? I'll be blessing the kids. You see, one reason I had become increasingly unhappy in Hopekids was because I found myself writing skit after skit to match a given outline, but somehow I felt constrained as compared to my time in HopeKinders, and during the volunteer sessions about 2.5 years ago.

Then I saw that I had been expecting to grow my storytelling skills through Hopekids. But perhaps that wasn't what God had in mind!

That's where HH's life example comes in. The highest pastoral ministry role he had ever undertaken (as far as I know) was as a care leader, and no higher. And his method of helping the brothers grow was rather unconventional (when comparing to the ministry culture at that time), even though it was effective, pastorally ministering and very biblically sound too. And oh, in huge contrast to the rest of the uni people, he fell in love early and married at the tender age of 26. And had a family shortly after,

If he had chosen to conform to that ministry groupthink that had been going around for a while in our church - and it wasn't the healthiest then, to be frank, because it was becoming increasingly based on traditions and rules instead of biblical principles - he would have looked at his "lowly" position as a care leader, his struggles and ministry failures, and even maybe his health issues and of course, his early marriage (by Singapore standards), and the lack of formal teaching opportunities and what not... he would have let these "disqualifications" stop him. But one thing for sure: he had a lot of love for God and people, and he was a man of high principles and integrity too. He still does! :)

And he knew God's calling for him. So he, with Davidic heart and courage, rose up to meet the giant challenges. He asked the church staff about the best seminaries to attend, worked hard and so on... and today, God has used him to make a huge difference to the quality and depth of the teachings.

One man, with God's help, can move mountains.

One practical tip that I drew upon from Hanhui's life regarding fulfilling God's calling for you: Make the most of every opportunity available to you in order to fulfill God's calling. It need not be in church... use non-church opportunities to develop whatever skills and gifts God gave you. Things like the arts, media, entertainment, finance, politics, academia and so on. As the Scripture says, "Eat anything sold in the meat market without raising question of conscience, for 'the earth is the Lord's and everything in it.'"

Like Tim Tebow who trains hard for the football field, Eric Liddell who ran in the Olympics, like Denise Phua who entered politics to speak up for the disadvantaged, like Eilton who takes opportunities to develop his emceeing skills and so on, like Kin Wee who works hard to hone his writing skills... I too can, and should, use every opportunity present in the world to develop my storytelling skills. And I think storytelling and media skills can go very well hand-in-hand with the gift of prophecy. (Thanks Shuyi for your advice here!) To "dabao" the good things of the earth and bring them into the house of the Lord. To hone my skills outside with every opportunity available so that I can bless the kids in church. To be more intentional, because that is the heart of being missional.

Funny. I feel younger and younger even as I grow older and older. :) I have done so many more things and experienced more exciting things in the second half of my twenties than I experienced in the first. :)

Praise the Lord. "Outwardly we are wasting away, but inwardly we are being renewed day by day."

And maybe it'll fit in with working with children from other countries.

God, help me. I'm doing my best. 'Cos You know me, and how I am so different from the others. I certainly don't fit into the "mold" as I do... missions! But I haven't attained this or that role...

But what does it matter? Just follow God's calling for me.

------
SOOOOO TIMELY!

Hanhui replied to one of my FB comments to him on something else: "Amen! Good to dream big for God, but think God would rather you take the journey with Him step by step. :)"

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Manifesto

2012-01-11T14:00:00.001+08:00

Called not only to do well for God in work, but to publicly give Him the glory and honour whenever we do well. To live a consistent life in and out of the office.

In short, not just asking God to bless our work, but make Him the sole centre of our work - and ministry too for me. To let everything I do at work be Si driven by Jesus, and so tightly integrated into His Word, that I shall be found blameless before Him.

To live not to blend in nor be a "secret agent", but to be a city on a hill, a light shining brightly... but to be outwardly and inwardly devoted to Jesus Christ in word and deed.

Then may the world sit up and take notice - saying, "I may not agree with what you're saying or doing, but I can see you clearly belong to Jesus."

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Not "Yes" and "No"

2012-01-11T13:12:00.000+08:00

But as surely as God is faithful, our message to you is not "Yes" and "No." For the Son of God, Jesus Christ... was not "Yes" and "No," but in him it has always been "Yes." (2 Corinthians 1:18, 19 NIV)

Men may change. Circumstances will change. But God doesn't change, and therefore His promises don't change. And if His promises don't change... our message won't change.

'Cos I was thinking about my previous post. I know I've written triumphantly, only to feel discouraged time and again. But who doesn't fail time and again?

But no matter how many times I fall, my message is not to be "Yes" and "No". Even when my heart says "No" and my mind says "Yes", or my heart says "Yes", but my mind "No", in the Son of God it has always been "Yes". Yes, because God's promises are always Yes in Christ.

Amen? :)

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"In that day you will no longer ask me anything."

2012-01-11T11:53:00.000+08:00

"I really don't have the answer. God qualifies us." - HT

And with that answer from a dear and wise bro... suddenly, I know in my heart that all my questions for the past years have finally been all wrapped up and answered. Praise God! It seems very ironic, but that "I don't know" answer is the same type as the answer that God gave Job... Job didn't receive any answer from God regarding his sufferings, but he had seen God answering him, even if the answer was mostly a scolding and interrogating session.

But God showed up. Big time. And showed, and told Job just how powerful He was. And that was enough for Job. 'Cos I see how Job had asked a lot of questions, and struggled with so much, that his three good friends misunderstood his questions, and accused him of being self-righteous and defiant towards God. His words were so raw; yet he knew he was innocent. And God vindicated him.

*pause*

*pause some more*

It's been a very strange and mysterious journey, one full of misunderstandings and especially being misunderstood. But to just hear those words, "God qualifies us...", is more than enough for me.

*deep breath*

Yesterday, I saw a picture of myself finally climbing out of a pit in the early dawn, covered in mud and blood. And I know I've survived the long night of bombardment, doubts and pain, and most of all, the miasma of uncertainty.

And I know that my Redeemer lives, and on the earth He stands, and my eyes shall see Him, and not another... how my heart longs within me!

Why do I feel so strong and sure now?

Because God has revealed to me the purpose and sense behind all the things I've been going through. I know that my God is for me, and therefore, who can be against me? I know He is with me, and I will not be afraid, nor be dismayed.

I know that He has helped me, and He is my Rock and my Salvation. He makes me stand upon the heights, He makes my feet like that of a deer. He ensures that my feet do not slip... the LORD lives! Praise be to the Rock, the God of my salvation.

It's such a strange and unconventional journey. I'm not used to this. Yet I know all these are part of the experiences of the people of the Bible. I guess if I want unconventional experiences, then I need to live unconventionally. If I want to walk on water, I've got to step out of the boat.

:)

Today, I woke up much happier. The darkness was finally gone. And the songs I remembered in the night finally returned. Bible verses going through my head. Peace with God, and goodwill towards men.

I'm so thankful to God for His faithfulness to me. The job last year. And how God is graciously moving my colleagues to help me out. I mean... what am I? Yet, God is for me. Such love He shows me.

Love, deeper than the oceans, wider than the skies, brighter than the brightest sun, higher than the highest stars. How wide, how deep, how high and how great is Christ's exceeding love.

Love beyond measure, love beyond reason, love beyond even the grave.

And love to change my heart, and heart to change others through love.

:) God is love!

"If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them and they in God. 16 And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

We love because he first loved us."

Dear Father, I pray in Jesus' name, help me be an imitator of God and live a life of love, just as Christ loved me and gave His life for me on the cross. Help me, at the next gathering, bless my brothers and sisters even more, especially my LG mates Shunrong, Kah Ong and Anne, whom You have helped us become closer as friends through during the past few months when I was feeling down. For I remember that even in darkness light dawns for the upright, for those who are gracious and compassionate and righteous.

I feel like a new creation. Perhaps because I am! That's what Your Word very clearly states. :) So I pray, Lord, bring my feelings in alignment with Your Word, which is truth, so that I can live wholeheartedly and joyfully for the truth.

For with just a snap of Your finger, You turn mourning into dancing, sorrow into joy. And please preserve this joy that You give me, just as You promised in Your Word: "In that day you will see Me, and no one will take away your joy."

John 16:22-24
"So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. In that day you will no longer ask me anything. Very truly I tell you, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete."

I think this is the rhema Word that You spoke to me just now as I read John 16.

"In that day you will no longer ask me anything."

Amazing! Fits perfectly with what I had conversed with Hong Teck today. I have no more questions, Lord...

“I know that you can do all things;
no purpose of yours can be thwarted.
You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?’
Surely I spoke of things I did not understand,
things too wonderful for me to know.

“You said, ‘Listen now, and I will speak;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.’
My ears had heard of you
but now my eyes have seen you.
Therefore I despise myself
and repent in dust and ashes.”

And You went on to say, "Very truly I tell you, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete."

"Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete."

Amen, Lord! And so I know and trust that this is Your promise to me, Lord Jesus, and no matter how many promises God has made, they are "Yes" in Christ. And so through Him the "Amen" is spoken by us to the glory of God.

And please forgive me for all the times I doubted and questioned You and the leaders you had appointed over me. And thank You for my dear shepherd Kelvin who both encouraged me and kicked my butt (figuratively) when I kept struggling time after time. For Hong Teck's patience with my repeated questions, and for Weizhu too who just kept a listening ear and gave insightful wisdom as well. For all those people You sent into my life at different points to help me grow and understand and... sometimes, just stay on the path.

Thank You Jesus.

In Jesus' name, Amen!

:D

No, I don't expect all trouble to be gone. But having seen that picture of me climbing out of the pit... this darkness is gone. The spring offensive has begun. Things are moving on, and I feel His Spirit calling me onward. What lies ahead, I don't know... but I'm blessedly thankful to get out of that pit.

Sing to the Lord a new song, sing to the Lord, all the earth!
Sing to the Lord, praise His name, proclaim His salvation day after day!
Declare his glory among the nations,
his marvelous deeds among all peoples.

God doesn't call the qualified; He qualifies the called! :)

Ok. Back to earth. =) But really, somehow, just for today, things look so much brighter. Even though the circumstances are the same, and haven't changed. But God's Word has renewed my hope and soul. =)

So... yup! :)

"Some of us have weddings. All of us have funerals."

2012-01-11T09:50:00.000+08:00

From Tim Stafford's "Thoughts Before A Wedding":

My daughter is in town planning her wedding. This morning she made an interesting observation: many funerals make a deep impression, but weddings almost never do.

Despite the fact that wedding ceremonies are planned with great care, they end up gauzy creations, hard to remember. The readings, the flute solos, the carefully constructed candle lightings all blend into one undifferentiated haze. One’s mind drifts off.

Funerals, which are hardly planned at all, have far more solidity. Perhaps it’s because weddings are about the future, celebrating hope, while funerals are about the past, things realized. One is contingent, the other known.

In that respect all weddings are more or less alike, because the hopes are the hopes of humankind. But each and every funeral has its own distinct character, laid down in the life of the person remembered.

We live on the boundary between the future and the past, what we call the present. That thin and elastic membrane continuously and ineluctably converts hopes into realities. On one side we have our ideals and our illusions. On the other side, our honor and our regrets. Some of us have weddings. All of us have funerals.

To Meditate On For Tomorrow

2012-01-11T00:11:00.001+08:00

We put no stumbling block in anyone's path, so that our ministry will not be discredited. Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses; in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love; in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left; through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as impostors; known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything.

We have spoken freely to you, Corinthians, and opened wide our hearts to you. We are not withholding our affection from you, but you are withholding yours from us. As a fair exchange—I speak as to my children—open wide your hearts also. (2 Corinthians 6:3-13 NIV)

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"Out Of Our Minds"

2012-01-11T00:08:00.001+08:00

Since, then, we know what it is to fear the Lord, we try to persuade others. What we are is plain to God, and I hope it is also plain to your conscience. We are not trying to commend ourselves to you again, but are giving you an opportunity to take pride in us, so that you can answer those who take pride in what is seen rather than in what is in the heart. If we are "out of our mind," as some say, it is for God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you.

For Christ's love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again. So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! (2 Corinthians 5:11-17 NIV)

This and several other passages have been flowing freely into my mind as I read through 2 Cor. It's like... after struggling to make sense of the questions that you're trying to answer, someone hands you the answer key, and you suddenly see the problems in a whole new light. Things are making sense after sense. Revelation, as I read each chapter.

The unfolding of your words gives light;
it gives understanding to the simple. (Psalm 119:130 NIV)

Yes, I know, tomorrow will come, and it'll be another challenging day. But with the new creation that is in Christ, God helping me, I will walk and work and think in a new light tomorrow.

Meanwhile, back to the Word.

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The 2 Corinthians Experience

2012-01-10T23:00:00.001+08:00

Two things happened yesterday that made me think. When I shared with Huanyan about my prayer requests, he said something that encouraged me greatly. "I think God is preparing you for the missions field."

Same thing that Shunyi had prophetically encouraged me last Saturday.

Then, I wrote a long email just now to a dear friend.

As I wrote, I realized how much 2 Corinthians accurately described my feelings - very accurately and exactly. There are so many passages that describe point-blank what I've been feeling and thinking.

Putting two and two together, it was a no-brainer.

I think God really is preparing me for the ardor of the missions fields. Just read Paul's honest confessions and musings in 2 Corinthians, and you will know how I have been feeling. It's as clear as that.

I don't think it's a coincidence.

Struggles regarding feelings of inadequacy. Feelings of being thought of as one who writes weighty letters but in person am nothing. Feelings of grief over people who sin but do not want to listen. Feelings of being hard-pressed but not crushed - just enough strength for each day. Feelings of being so overwhelmed that I even despaired of life itself. (Thank God my shepherd scolded me haha.) Feelings of uncertainty even though God has clearly opened the door, feelings of up and down, feelings of having nothing and yet possessing everything. Sorrowful yet rejoicing. And so many others.

Not the same extent as the good apostle of course, but the same types of joy and pain.

Experiential identification with Christ and His sufferings.

Thank God for Shunyi and Huanyan. I know that since two witnesses said the same thing, and His Word is so clearly identifying what I've been feeling for several months already...

Then God has clearly chosen me. And He is training me in the school of hard knocks.

That is why, despite the blackness that I find myself in, yet I sense His loving presence very near. Faithful, even when I am faithless.

2 Corinthians means a lot to me too, because I remember Alan last time gave an expository teaching series on 2 Corinthians. And one of the topics was "Credibility of a Leader".

And here, I find Paul stating his credibility as an apostle - not by human wisdom or strength, but by boasting of his weaknesses.

"Are we beginning to commend ourselves again? Or do we need, like some people, letters of recommendation to you or from you? You yourselves are our letter, written on our hearts, known and read by everyone. You show that you are a letter from Christ, the result of our ministry, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts. Such confidence we have through Christ before God. Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant—not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life." (2 Corinthians 3:1-6 NIV)

THANK YOU JESUS! :D It is a privilege to carry my cross and follow You! Redemption awaits...

Shall end with this passage, which describes EXACTLY the thoughts that have been in my mind for the past few months AND speak EXACTLY to some of the questions that I have been harbouring in my heart... So amazed, and so grateful, and so encouraged:

Therefore, since through God's mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart. Rather, we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to everyone's conscience in the sight of God. And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing. The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel that displays the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. For what we preach is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God's glory displayed in the face of Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you. It is written: "I believed; therefore I have spoken." Since we have that same spirit of faith, we also believe and therefore speak, because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you to himself. All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God. Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:1-18 NIV)

And also just felt today in my spirit that God is speaking to me that something good is going to happen to me quite soon, just as Shunyi prophesied. (Told you she prophesied a looooong one. :D)

Hallelujah!

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Redemption.

2012-01-10T22:36:00.001+08:00

Saw a sign for a stall as I walked to Shawn & Jeannie's wedding rehearsal today. And the heading on the sign gave me pause.

"Redemption."

I smile.

Then I check my social media. I become sad again. Wanting to be liked, but I know I'm misunderstood by many who see me as attention-seeking and clingy.

*shakes head* It's not like that, dear friends.

But it's ok. I know God sees my heart and will speak up for me in the end.

Redemption.

"You are judging by appearances. If anyone is confident that they belong to Christ, they should consider again that we belong to Christ just as much as they do." (2 Corinthians 10:7 NIV)

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Seeing the "Great" in the Great Commission

2012-01-10T12:34:00.001+08:00

Thank God for the good time of praying together with Huanyan for missions. So coincidental that we were praying together at the viewing gallery at Changi Airport, watching the planes come and go.

http://www.operationworld.org/wrld#prayer

And that he was going off for the Global Conferenxe at Chiangmai. He's been to a lot of them already, but this one is special for him, 'cos it's about MISSIONS.

Prayed prophetically too for him. Jeremiah 33:3. Sensed that God wanted to not only give him more specific directions for the missions field, but also to give him a more general view of missions - with special regards to Christ's supreme authority in all heaven and earth.

Which struck me as very deep. We often want specific guidance from God, and rightfully so. But He also wants us to know His greatness - who He is, really is, as Lord over all - He the Kurios, Christo Pantokrator, Alpha and Omega and so on.

It's essential for us to grasp the sheer authority of Jesus Christ, so that when we go for missions, we can be really convicted about taking the gospel to the ends of the earth.

For a king's kingdom extends to the limits of his authority, right? So, if all authority in heaven and on earth has been given to Jesus, and He told us to go to the ends of the earth... by right, I think He could have told us to go to the stars and Mars too... but well, He told us to go and fill the earth with His good news. Maybe, and I say this with a tinge of speculation, when He sets everything right, who knows... Perhaps one day the redeemed race of Adam in the next age to come may be authorized to share His love to the ends of the galaxy. :) That one, I think we'll see. :)

And we still haven't managed to complete it in a world that has aeroplanes, cars and what not... printing presses, Internet, satellites... simply because we haven't captured in our hearts yet the sheer authority of Christ.

But when we do... boy, oh boy, we discover for ourselves the great in the Great Commission.

Two Words From Heaven

2012-01-09T18:50:00.000+08:00

And the chats with my friend yesterday, and with my dear LG mates today (Shunrong, Anne & Kah Ong) helped me see that we are all experiencing the same kind of problems - if not the same.

No, not just them. Shunyi too, and another friend...

I was walking back earlier, after having a good time chilling with Kah Ong & Anne at their house. They are so fun to be with. :) Still, I knew I would start feeling lonely again as I walked back. Then I whispered this prayer to the Lord: "Where are you, Jesus?"

Suddenly, this answer came clearly to me: "I am where you are not."

I know this is an answer that looks very simple but is very deep. Answered a lot of my fears all at the same time.

A second word came to me: "I am sending you to where you have not been."

Deep again!

Then Isaiah 61:1 came to mind (thanks Shuyi for sharing that passage with me...):
"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners..."

*pause*

Reminded again of my calling. How could I have forgotten? Christ sits there on a white horse, with the flowing banner of victory in His hand, and crowned with many crowns.

KING OF KINGS AND LORD OF LORDS.

He has given me authority to proclaim good news to the poor. Those who haven't experienced His love & grace. Why the hell am I wasting my breath trying to get the approval of those who think they have it all together? James whacks me, saying:

Listen, my dear brothers and sisters: Has not God chosen those who are poor in the eyes of the world to be rich in faith and to inherit the kingdom he promised those who love him? But you have dishonored the poor. Is it not the rich who are exploiting you? Are they not the ones who are dragging you into court? Are they not the ones who are blaspheming the noble name of him to whom you belong? (James 2:5-7 NIV)

Shall I walk in the counsel of the worldly, stand in the way of half-hearted church-goers, and sit in the seat of mocking naysayers?

Or shall I gird myself, grab my weapons and rally with Christ to His cause?

Here, right now. Not just over there.

Come, come, YA. Hooah. Up and on. He is standing where I am not, and sending me to where I have not been.

Much weight in those two short sentences.

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“As the Father hath sent me, so send I you”

2012-01-09T00:17:00.000+08:00

Hymn: E. Margaret Clarkson

So send I you to labour unrewarded
To serve unpaid, unloved, unsought, unknown
To bear rebuke, to suffer scorn and scoffing
So send I you to toil for Me alone

So send I you to bind the bruised and broken
Over wandering souls to work, to weep, to wake
To bear the burdens of a world a-weary
So send I you to suffer for My sake

So send I you to loneliness and longing
With hart a-hungering for tthe loved and known
Forsaking kin and kindred, friend and dear one
So send I you to know My love alone

So send I you to leave your life's ambition
To die to dear desire, self-will resign
To labour long, and love where men revile you
So send I you to lsoe you life in Mine

So send I you to hearts made hard by hatred
To eyes made blind because they will not see
To spend, though it be blood to spend and spare not
So send I you to taste of Calvary

"As the Father hath sent me, so send I you"

So send I you by grace made strong to triumph
O'er hosts of hell, o'er darkness, death and sin,
My name to bear, and in that name to conquer-
So send I you, my victory to win.

So send I you to take to souls in bondage
the Word of Truth that sets the captives free,
to break the bonds of sin, to loose death's fetters,
So send I you to bring the lost to me.

So send I you My strength to know in weakness,
My joy in grief, My perfect peace in pain,
To prove My power, My Grace, My promised presence,
So send I you, eternal fruit to gain.

So send I you to bear My cross with patience,
And one day with joy to lay it down,
To hear My voice, "Well done my faithful servant
Come share My throne, My kingdom and My crown."

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Grasping the Exceeding

2012-01-08T18:30:00.000+08:00

"Ah, but a man's reach ought to exceed his grasp; or what's the heavens for?" - Unknown

Yesterday and today, I had the blessing of talking with a couple of friends about their struggles.

And I realized that how we see ourselves is often so different from what others see of us.

Well, both the good and the bad.

That's why I doubt my self-judgment so much. But I know it does say in the Bible that we should learn to judge ourselves soberly, according to what God expects of each one of us.

I struggle so much. I do hate myself a lot. :/ For all the disgusting things that I see. But perhaps I should hate the sin and love the sinner. After all, as C.S. Lewis said, we may not like our bodies that much, but we still feed and care for them.

Deep sigh. I don't know how long it will be before I can see myself as God sees me.

But hmm. A dear friend mentioned to me that he/she thinks that no one likes him/her, whether he/she puts on a real or fake persona. I was astonished to hear that coming from that friend.

But hearing that from this friend touched my heart. So I am not alone in this negative self-view.

Head-wise, we all know this. Heart-wise, we constantly doubt.

Perhaps that's why people enter marriage: longing to both know their spouse and to be known by them. Physically even, just as Adam knew Eve and she conceived.

Ah, fallen world that we live in.

But may I have power, together with all the saints, to grasp the exceeding love of Christ, that we may be filled to all the measure of the fullness of God.

Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us: to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus, throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen.

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Obey Your Word

2012-01-08T17:42:00.001+08:00

I am not what You want me to be. What are the things You want me to be, to live a life worthy of Your calling? Please teach me Your ways so that I may know You better and continue to find favor with You.

And thank You for the heart-to-heart chat with Shunrong. I realize that we both are going through uncertain times. But it's during such soul-trying times as these that we develop a strong and more substantial fellowship.

Comradeship.

And one thing

Anyway I saw this verse that Hanhui posted on FB. "In your anger do not sin." That we have no right to hurt anyone, even if that person is the source of our anger.

Thinking about it. Both personally, and also the principle of living by God's principles strictly.

Holiness.

Making sure that I obey everything that He has commanded me.

Lord, I don't want to live a selfish life. I want, I really want, to live a holy life before You, Lord. Streams of tears flow from my eyes, because I do not obey Your Word, so many promises, yet I doubt them.

Have mercy on me, God, a sinner.

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All God's Promises, Triple-Confirmed!

2012-01-07T23:15:00.001+08:00

Just talked with Shenteng & Wee Leng.

The date may be shifted to December, because there will be the South American conference during Dec.

----
Looking back at everything, suddenly a burst of clarity struck me.

I realized I'd been feeling especially troubled and unsettled since 2009, because of all the uncertainty that I'd gone through.

Things like who will God give me to be my spouse, where to for my career, and missions field, and what does He have in mind for me regarding children's ministry, etc.

To see the plans that I had elaborately constructed slowly dissolve in a sea of uncertainty.

And this tiny question come to mind: Did I shortchange myself by my lack of faith? By my character flaws? That I will miss out on God's plans for me because of something wrong I have been doing? The relational patterns? What if His plan for me all along was to be a better person? Or more precisely, I think it's part of His plan. As I walk with Him and be blameless, He will change me to be more and more like His Son. I really don't think I'm a credible person as a Christian, to be honest. I have so many emotional ups and downs, I'm not focused enough and so on. I know many people don't think I'm mature enough etc. Yet I remember Aileen my colleague being influenced by me. By other bros and sisters who have encouraged me, especially those who have known me for a very long time. Hmm. Maybe I'm looking at myself the wrong way. I am affected by the judgment of those who don't know me very much, and don't listen very much to those who know me deeply. Sigh. And I struggle with my introversion and whatever else I've moaned about in my blog. :) I AM so unqualified, and I'm not a huge influencer. But, God is reliable. God doesn't call the qualified; He qualifies the called. His promises are for all who have faith in Him. For it is not through observing the law that one will be justified, rather, the righteous shall live by faith. Sigh. I don't know. Maybe I'm not living the life He wants for me.

Ok, maybe that was a bit longer than I thought. x)

------
But thank God! I went for the UniYA service after meeting Shenteng. The sermon spoke to me very specifically, about God keeping His promises. Especially if you went into a missions field. You probably would feel scared about being stuck there, esp if He suddenly changed His mind.

Touched. Still, I was scared. 'Cos during the meetup with Shenteng and Wee Leng, I had asked God whether He had really called me to go to Ecuador. There are some hard questions to be asked of anyone who wants to go for missions, especially to a super-distant country, and to be honest, halfway through my conversation with Shenteng and Wee Leng, I was wondering to God, "What in the world am I doing here, Lord?" xD Sorry, but that's what was going through my mind.

Am I serious about going? Yes, very much so.

Ridiculous? I think so too.

Deep sigh.

Yet here am I, Lord; send me!

---------

Then on my way back, as I crossed the overhead bridge, I heard someone excitedly shout my name. "Yeu Ann!" I spun around and saw Shunyi grinning her trademark grin. We walked and talked, and to cut a long story short, God used Shunyi to speak a very long and accurate prophetic word of encouragement regarding missions, my feeling of lostness in children's ministry even though I know God has clearly called me into the ministry, my struggles, hurts and fears last year and even my concerns and worries about using the gift of prophecy He gave me.

Long talk and encouragement. God's long answer to my "tiny" question. He hears, and He is near. :)

She shared about her own struggles when she first joined the church office - I was so amazed and encouraged to hear that she had gone through the same kind of struggle as me. And also a verse for me: Hebrews 6:18 (NLT), to tell me that God was triple-confirming His calling for me in children's ministry. And the word that I was feeling worried what others would think of me - even from believers - That what I was trying to do for God, in responding to His call, may look ridiculous to them... But God chooses the foolish things of the world to shame the wise.

Such a powerful word of prophecy and encouragement... And I remember Weizhu telling me yesterday over soya bean curd: "Yeu Ann, would you rather look like an idiot on the outside but not be one on the inside, or not look like an idiot on the outside, but be an idiot on the inside?"

Thank You Father. I feel encouraged again.

And Shunyi said that God would show me something good (I can't remember exactly what good) quite soon.

Deep breath. Because one of the prayers I had cried out to God during worship was, "How much longer, O Lord? When will You vindicate me? When will You bring all the good things to pass, as I believed You have promised?"

And God hears, and He is near.

Thank You so much dear Jesus, my Rock and my Redeemer. Amen!

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Throwing Off

2012-01-06T10:15:00.001+08:00

I think I've been feeling very discouraged recently in terms of ability, especially relationally. I felt lousy when ppl seemed to be keeping their distance from me. I worried whether it's because I sent too many encouragement messages into a way that they can understand. And then I felt depressed because I felt that there are very few people who can understand the narrow path of God's calling, and also distressed because it seemed to me - as some people say too - that it's communications skills - as if I were an inept nincompoop. I know, perception versus reality. Still, I felt that pain before when I was in the NUS ministry.

Yes, I know about the letting go of the past hurts. But in order to let go, I need to identify what I am holding on to, so I can get rid of it, and is it accurate to say that this is indeed a matter of letting go, as if you were the one fully in control?

Perhaps not. Instead it's a case of throwing off, not just letting go. Otherwise what is the meaning of this: "... let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles..."? Active verbs... "hinders" and "entangles". Not a case of dropping, but a case of, like, thorns or barbed wire. Try dropping some thick thornbush or barbed wire as you cross them. Throwing off sounds more feasible, I think.

To have the focused attitude of the athelete - like the swimmer who literally shaves off all his hair just so that he can can shave off a few milliseconds. Everything that hinders, whether natural or circumstantial, or due to enemy obstacles that aim to entangle you.

So maybe what I'm doing here in my introspection is to search intentionally for every single thing that might hinder me - and throw it off. Really far off.

And I know the feelings I have deep in me need to be inspected, and then whatever hinders to be thrown off, in that act they call forgiveness.

In the final analysis, I know what I'm experiencing are disappointments, one after another. Disappointment, because these friends matter so much to me. Disappointment, because I wonder whether I matter to them - even enough to get angry over. Disappointments, because you hoped for a mutual commitment, but the relationships are one-sided. The worst kind of friends I can have are those who can't even be bothered to get angry with me. That's worse than hate: it's indifference.

That's why one of the deepest things, I believe, that exists in a friendship is mutual commitment: "I know you'd do the same for me."

Just clarifying my thoughts. But I think they are clearer now.

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WCWW Day 2 Whatever Happened to Missions?

2012-01-05T23:58:00.004+08:00

Word.

--------

1. Missions has been belittled in the church

2. Missions has been overlooked in the Scriptures

Psalm 22

3. Missions has been bypassed in theology

Survival rather than expansion was the rule

4. Missions has sidelined in church history

William Carey

Missions is not in our own strength but the work of God

John 3:16

John 20:21
As the Father has sent Me, I am sending you...

David
Lydia

IMPACTING OUR WORLD
1. Prayer
Intercessory prayer makes a HUGE difference

Moses interceding for Joshua in battle

Sometimes it's not leadership that wins the battle but the intercessors!

Operation World

2. Partnership

3. Church planting

4. Financial investment

Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Pacing in step with the seasons & the Spirit.

Keep that flame alive.

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WCWW Day 2 Missions

2012-01-05T23:58:00.002+08:00

Hope started with the DNA of church planting

MIA: Missions in Action
Cooperating With God's Call for Action

God wants to raise you in the city to b his voice

1. Recognize the Privilege of Being Called (v1-2)

Nineveh: a great - and wicked - city

God could hv used others, but He used me!

1a. God wants to involve us in missions!

SIGNIFICANCE. "I have invested significance in you..."

(It strikes me that almost all who say that missions is only for those whom God has specially called have never called on Him to send them.)

1b. God fully entrusts us with His Message.

God transforms us to preach His Word!

4 notes:

A. Continue to develop our mission churches.
Find the person with the apostolic gifting & develop him/her...

B. In those 13 countries

Missions Momentum

C. Missions at your doorsteps
Lord, use me to reach out and befriend the Myanmar community...

D. For the Filipino bros & sisters, unleash!

2. Respond in Action to the Call (v3a)

Let's

2b. Get prepared.

So touched. I wasn't feeling very emotionally stirred during the sermon. But I knew it was from God.

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WCWW Day 1 SESSION 2: GOD'S MISSION IN THE WORLD

2012-01-05T23:58:00.000+08:00

The church is a community of Christ followers empowered by the Spirit to participate in God's mission in the world.

The church is to reflect the nature of God!

The original Life Group: the Triune God! :D

The only reason we are still here is to take part in God's mission in the world...

Luke 10:1-12
The seventy-two

1. Be a blessing to people in your community

2. Build relationships with people
Eat & drink whatever is put before you... Friend of sinners

Start building relationships with people just as they are

3. Find their needs and meet it

Jesus went about doing good

Matt 5:16

Eph
Created in Christ Jesus to do good works!

St Francis: Always preach the gospel, and if necessary, use words.

4. Share the Good News about Jesus

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WCWW Day 1 SESSION 1: City In Need

2012-01-05T23:57:00.001+08:00

Just saw these notes:

------

Men can bring about reformation but only Jesus can bring about transformation!

Isa 61:1-6
A Messianic prophecy

1. Transformation begins as individual lives are transformed (v1-3)

It begins with one person but doesn't stop there!

"THEY will be called oaks of righteousness..."

Global transformation always begin with individuals...

John 3:16

Won by One,
One by One!

Transformation Begins With One Person Yielding To The Holy Spirit

(Thinking about setting up an NIE fellowship...)

Transformation comes through the proclamation and demonstration of the gospel

Proclamation: make the gospel clear
Demonstration: make the gospel real

Acts 1:8

2. Transformed People Transform Their Church & Their City (v4-5)

Discipleship is so essential for biblical transformation

Make disciples of all nations!

Matthew 28:18-20

Individual -> church -> city -> global

The 7 pillars of society
We need to disciple these 7 pillars of society! :)

Thinking about CS Lewis' example :)

Eric Liddell

(Theology: Christ's dominion reigns supreme over all spheres... extend His Lordship into our work...

He is before all things...)

Challenge: how has my working habit been transformed?

Some of us need to speak up for the sidelined ppl! :)

(I remember what Aileen said to me - that her boss is so nice, just like Yeu Ann. Lol. Especially Christians... )

3. Transformation Reveals God to Our World v6

v3b a planting of the LORD for the display of His splendor

*John 14:12*

Theirs never was a theology of success, or a theology of self-denial, but simple surrender and obedience as disciples of Christ, first & foremost.

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Faithful - by Brooke Fraser

2012-01-05T23:03:00.001+08:00

There's distance in the air and I cannot make it leave
i wave my arms' round about me and blow with all my might
I cannot sense you close, though I know you're always here
But the comfort of you near is what i long for

[CHORUS]
When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear you, I know you still hear every word I pray
And I want you more than i want to live another day
And as I wait for you, maybe I'm made more faithful

All the folly of the past, though I know it is undone
i still feel the guilty one, still trying to make it right
So i whisper soft your name, let it roll around my tongue,
knowing you're the only one who knows me You know me

[CHORUS]
When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same When I can't hear you, I know you still hear every word I pray
And I want you more than i want to live another day
And as I wait for you, maybe I'm made more faithful

[BRIDGE]
Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should walk
I count this world as lost to me
You are all I want
You are all I want

When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear you, I know you still hear every word I pray
And I want you more than i want to live another day
And as I wait for you, maybe I'm made more faithful

Thank God for Sujuan's super-timely encouragement. And the video that she asked me to look up.

And again and again I'm reminded of this truth: that God so much prefers to provide encouragement through His people, His Body, than to directly give it to us.

For interdependence in the Body creates a much deeper spiritual strength in each one of the members, with a greatly reduced risk of anyone developing a sense of spiritual self-sufficiency, which can trigger off a cancerous pride.

*trembles*

Thank You so so so much, dear Father. More tears, as I think of all the wonderful people You sent my way, just as You sent the noble Ruth - a Gentile! - with Naomi in her bitterest moments.

You showed me who are the real spiritual heroes, the ones whom I owe so much, my eternity even, those who belong to the household of Onesiphorus (2 Tim) - and they come from all walks of life.

Too many to count here, but Lord, for every Demas, You send an Onesiphorus who is not ashamed of my emotional chains. :) And so I know I will clear the flight deck just in time to take off with the gospel to the nations.

As Huanyan prayed on Monday, "Even when we are faithless, You are faithful."

Amen.

"Call Me Mara"

2012-01-05T22:15:00.001+08:00

"Don't call me Naomi," she told them. "Call me Mara, because the Almighty has made my life very bitter. I went away full, but the Lord has brought me back empty. Why call me Naomi? The Lord has afflicted me; the Almighty has brought misfortune upon me." So Naomi returned from Moab accompanied by Ruth the Moabite, her daughter-in-law, arriving in Bethlehem as the barley harvest was beginning. (Ruth 1:20-22 NIV)

I like this passage very much. No pious words here - just raw words that reflect distorted perceptions and all. And precisely because her words were so raw and bitter and harsh towards the Almighty, this passage lends me real hope. Thanks Robert for asking me to read Ruth yesterday. It's much needed for me today. :)

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"Crying Isn't Sadness"

2012-01-05T19:47:00.001+08:00

Tears finally. How good it feels to cry, even if only for a few drops. Still struggling with this sadness that I feel within. But prayed for a while, and slowly I felt as though a sluice was opened in my heart, to relieve the tension and turmoil within.

As I grow older, it becomes harder and harder to cry. Someone said it's because I'm getting stronger.

*pause*

Yes and no.

Yes, because I don't waste tears over trivial things. And that I learn to cry for myself less. Much less now, thank God. Self-pity has no place in the ransomed life.

No, because I don't weep enough over deep things and for others, especially in prayer. It simply means I'm getting less tender. Can you cry when you see a child in poverty, when you see a beautiful flower, when you see injustice and oppression, when you feel rejected and dismayed, when you hear a song so beautiful it makes you jump for joy?

"Crying isn't sadness. It's what happens when an emotion is too big for your body."

Love this quote that I read today.

No, most of us have grown drier and tougher, like old stringy leather strips.

Our tears are precious to God. He stores them in His wine skins. And He will wipe every tear away from our eyes.

Suddenly I remember that vision during the WCWW conference last year. My tears being turned by the hands of God into many Bibles. I really don't know how that is going to happen, but let it be so.

:']

But yes, frustration. Feel so weak and impotent in what I'm doing. My very own person and character stumbles me. I don't see much hope in myself to grow.

But I remember Peter's words: "Put your hope in God." And at that moment, all the man-made philosophies and rules that I'd been taught blew away in the wind like the maxims of ashes they were. And I realized the importance of Christ-centeredness in all our living and thinking and speaking.

But 6+ years later, I feel like I'm pinned down again. Yet... I know it's a different battlefield, but my same old weaknesses... May my attitude towards this be different this time around.

Sigh. How long, O Lord, how long will this inner war carry on? I feel so unready for everything to come, and therefore hopeless.

:) It's ok, YA. God is the God of hope. He specializes in hopeless cases like you. So cheer up, YA, you hopeless lump of mud. :)

And one day, you'll look back here and laugh at what you once were.

"Blessed are you who weep now, for you will laugh."

Amen. :)

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2012-01-05T18:43:00.001+08:00

Looking forward to giving tuition to the Kampong Glam kids soon. :) Someone let them know they are loved by God and matter to Him.

"Seek Them Not."

2012-01-05T09:00:00.001+08:00

When Baruch son of Neriah wrote on a scroll the words Jeremiah the prophet dictated in the fourth year of Jehoiakim son of Josiah king of Judah, Jeremiah said this to Baruch: "This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says to you, Baruch: You said, 'Woe to me! The Lord has added sorrow to my pain; I am worn out with groaning and find no rest.' But the Lord has told me to say to you, 'This is what the Lord says: I will overthrow what I have built and uproot what I have planted, throughout the earth. Should you then seek great things for yourself? Do not seek them. For I will bring disaster on all people, declares the Lord, but wherever you go I will let you escape with your life.'" (Jeremiah 45:1, 3-5 NIV)

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Doing Well in God's Strength

2012-01-05T01:28:00.000+08:00

Thank God so much for being with me today. Did a whole training session on my own today, albeit with my two colleagues helping out.

Thought I did only ok, but my team leader said great job. And that I did well. So surprised, 'cos I was rather nervous about my faltering pronunciation.

But God's grace is there every step of the way. Only 8 ppl signed up. And that's how it should be. And most of them had done the necessary prep work already. Praise God.

Little mercies like these.

Yes, prayer answered. I did well in God's strength indeed.

Sent from my iPhone

Edited to add:

An email that I received from the AG coordinator later that day:

Dear Yeu Ann

Yes certainly, the hands-on session has been most useful. It was clearly delivered and at a good pace for us to grasp. We truly appreciate the session. Thank you for all your help and guidance.

Regards
[some NIE professor]

:) Praise God for His strength working in me. Thank God for Dean and Weikai who prayed for my prayer request that I would do the training session well in God's strength.

And it was so.

I felt nervous, and I stumbled in my speaking at times. But overall, thank God, it went smoothly. :) Even with my faltering pronunciation.

I think it's a good step towards doing public speaking next time. Confidence in doing something comes from knowing what I need to know in order to do that task well. Thank God so much for my dear colleagues who helped give me advice and tips during the dry-run yesterday. :)

HopeSem Courses

2012-01-05T01:21:00.001+08:00

CERTIFICATE OF MISSIONS STUDIES

Therefore go and make disciples of all nations,
baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,
and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you.
And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.
~ Matthew 28:19-20 ~

The Certificate of Mission Studies is for people who desire to engage in a programme in theological and missions related studies. The programme aims to enhance and equip the students' development as potential church planters with sound mission foundations. Other than the 6 core modules, students enrolled into the programme has to complete the following required concentration modules, with an additional CM elective module and a practicum:

- CM511 Strategic Perspective in Church Planting
- CM512 Cross-Cultural Missions
- TH511 Christian Ethics

The Certificate of Missions Studies is recommended for people intending to embark on mid- or long-term missions work within the next 1-3 years. Field-experienced instructors will be teaching most concentration modules, sharing their enriching mission journey and giving practical advices.

:))) Think this would be a helpful starting point for training myself for missions work. It's going to be very foundational though. But for my dream for going overseas for missions work, sure, why not? And it's by my own church.

I don't sense any objection from God on this - and I'm pretty sure He's for it. Haha. ;)

Messaged Hanhui already. Sounds exciting. I know. I took the church planting module a couple of years back. Learnt quite a lot. I failed my Christian Ethics though. (In my defense, we didn't hand in the final assignment lol. But yes, sounds really wrong to say that I failed my ethics. xD)

Up and on.

A Hopeful Hopelessness

2012-01-05T01:06:00.002+08:00

Just met Robert and Mel to catch up. Thanks Robert for the brotherly encouragement today. :)

Still, I think overall, to sum up the whole message, it's about keeping up my hopes in God. That God has His timing and plans.

:)

But, dear friend, no, I don't think I'm strong enough to wait in hope. So I choose to wait with a resigned outlook. If He gives, then He gives. Because life's too short to wait around. What I do know is that He wants me to focus. Any good things He gives are purely out of His grace, and are they not simply bonuses?

What, an inheritance, not a bonus? Every spiritual blessing in Christ, yes. A spiritual family, yes. But I shall steady myself and hope for no more - and no less than that.

But *shrugs* I reckon, to wait for is to hope - whether sure or unsure.

But I don't want to get my hopes up again. I must not. I must make sure I suppress all hope that arises from these, for these are dangerous to me. To suppress them ruthlessly, and destroy all remaining hope that arises from my own understanding.

Then I will have nothing but Christ to lean on when the night reaches its darkest hour.

:)

Don't know. Guess I don't know what steps to take next. Encouragement, yes, but hey, to what ends? I would like to know if that is the correct direction.

I think hopelessness can be a good thing, if it causes me to give up on things that stop me from going after God.

So, maybe the best thing to do is to just wait it out and do nothing. Let God shape me as I obey Him in the areas He has already made clear to me. That one is more than enough already.

:)

Good things that the Lord has promised for us, to prosper us and not to harm us? Yes... ultimately it's true spiritually. "Do not be afraid of those who can kill the body but not the soul. So no, I don't want to be optimistic about things in this world - otherwise, what is the meaning of "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."

Get back to me when you come up with something to counter that truth. Millions of Christians martyred in the previous century... so what right do I have to ask for? As our persecuted Christian brothers and sisters in China say, "Pray for us not that our problems will be taken away, but for stronger backs to endure." Amen.

But I will be optimistic that IN all these things, we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.

For I know for sure that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Now, hope you can understand the title of my post now? :)

God Allures Me Into The Desert

2012-01-04T03:04:00.001+08:00

Hosea 2:13-16
"I will punish her for the days
she burned incense to the Baals;
she decked herself with rings and jewelry,
and went after her lovers,
but me she forgot,"
declares the LORD.

14 "Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the wilderness
and speak tenderly to her.
15 There I will give her back her vineyards,
and will make the Valley of Achor [meaning, trouble] a door of hope.
There she will respond as in the days of her youth,
as in the day she came up out of Egypt.

16 "In that day," declares the LORD,
"you will call me 'my husband';
you will no longer call me 'my master.'"

I was praying on my knees just now, and just telling Him about my reflections recently. Laid my head on the bed, and sighed deeply.

But I realized that my prayers were becoming more real and heartfelt, and in place of complaining, a heart that whispered thankfulness. That though I hadn't received all that I wanted, there were other good things that He had given me.

It struck me that sometimes God didn't give me the good things I had asked for, because they would draw me away from Him. I mean, it wasn't really a rebuke. Just a confession from my own heart to Him, as I told Him about what I had read in Jeremiah, and confessed to Him what I knew my heart attitude should have been, but was not.

And I sensed He understood.

I also thanked Him for making the stars that shine at night. So beautiful, and so brilliant. Gracing the night sky - no matter how small they were, as compared to the brighter moon, they hung there like grace notes in a silent cosmic symphony.

Stood up. And just stood there. Praying. Telling Him my heart seems to be softening to Him since Sunday. Then, I felt that passage, as I stood there in the darkness of my unlit room, come to mind: "Therefore I will allure her (Israel) into the desert..."

I knew that to be from Hosea.

That God would allure me, and win my heart, such that I would seek Him, not because I wanted to get something good from Him, or even because I felt I SHOULD.

But that He was alluring my heart towards Him. Bringing me into the dry desert, so that I would WANT to seek Him. Not because I had to, but because He had wooed and drawn my heart slowly to Him.

Here, in the desert, you truly love the water. Thirst was made for water.

God allures us not into a fertile land, but into the wilderness. There, He woos our hearts so that we will be irresistibly drawn to Him. He speaks tenderly to us, and calls us to Him.

I'm still feeling depressed many times. But here, my heavenly Father draws me into the wilderness, having assured me of His unfailing love for me. And I'm reminded how, straight after the Father pronounced his love for His Son, with Him was He well-pleased, the Spirit led the Son into the wilderness.

And so, same here too, in the same kind of mold. Following in His footsteps, and so becoming conformed to His experiences, I go through this period of dryness and sadness and melancholy - knowing full well the Father's promised love for me. Here, I rest more secure in His sureness, even as I complain to Him - for would you not be real with the one whom you know loves you unconditionally, so that you know you can trust Him enough to pour out your heart to Him?

Trust in Him at all times, O people;
Pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge.

For a few months already, I find it hard to sing worship songs to Him. But I do, I still do. Yet they come out strained and crackled, from my heart to Him. I sit down instead of standing, tired in spirit. Yet there I know He is waiting for me to come to Him. :)

And there He is, coming on the water, coming on the clouds with fire.

******
And I linger there in the dim ambient light of the night for a few moments, reluctantly turning in to sleep. I pause, and turn my eyes back to Him, saying, "Sorry Lord, I know I need to sleep. Wish I could have spent more time talking within You."

You draw my heart to sing to You, and You bend my knees to pray to You... draw me closer to You, Lord, into the desert. And there I come in brokenness of heart, poverty of spirit. Blessed are the poor in spirit, as You said, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Please keep drawing me to Yourself. And please draw my friend closer to You too, into the desert, till she is totally Yours too.

In Jesus' name, amen.

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Trust Nothing But The Truth

2012-01-03T23:14:00.000+08:00

The elder,
To the lady chosen by God and to her children, whom I love in the truth—and not I only, but also all who know the truth— because of the truth, which lives in us and will be with us forever: Grace, mercy and peace from God the Father and from Jesus Christ, the Father's Son, will be with us in truth and love.
It has given me great joy to find some of your children walking in the truth, just as the Father commanded us. And now, dear lady, I am not writing you a new command but one we have had from the beginning. I ask that we love one another. And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love.
I say this because many deceivers, who do not acknowledge Jesus Christ as coming in the flesh, have gone out into the world. Any such person is the deceiver and the antichrist. Watch out that you do not lose what we have worked for, but that you may be rewarded fully. Anyone who runs ahead and does not continue in the teaching of Christ does not have God; whoever continues in the teaching has both the Father and the Son. If anyone comes to you and does not bring this teaching, do not take them into your house or welcome them. Anyone who welcomes them shares in their wicked work.
I have much to write to you, but I do not want to use paper and ink. Instead, I hope to visit you and talk with you face to face, so that our joy may be complete.
The children of your sister, who is chosen by God, send their greetings.
(2 John)

It just struck me that it's very possible for a person not to be trusting, yet end up badly deceived. Simply because a skilled deceiver can easily harness that existing suspicion to turn the deceived one against even his closest allies and family.

Each deceived, and so, each sequestered.

"In the nightmare of the dark
All the dogs of Europe bark
And the living nations wait
Each sequestered in its hate."
- W.H. Auden

And correspondingly, it's possible for an innocently trusting person not to be hoodwinked easily. Like a little boy who steadfastly refuses to go with a stranger, even though the stranger offers the choicest sweets. Simply because he knows that his dad warned him not to do so, and he trusts his daddy's words absolutely.

Trustingness, or the lack of it, alone doesn't necessarily protect one from deception. But knowledge and wisdom from a trustworthy source can, and must always lead you to the truth. All other destinations are deceptions.

So let's be little children once again, becoming more and more trusting... Till we wholeheartedly trust the Father and His Word above all else; yes, even now Christ Jesus, Word of the Father, now in flesh appearing.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight."

Trust the Truth Himself, till you trust nothing but the truth which lives in us, and will be with us forever. Then, and only then, shall we freely and fully love one other, because then shall we no longer love out of a lie, a fear arising from suspicions or feelings of obligation, but simply love each other deeply in the truth: and not I only, but also all who know the truth — because of the truth, which lives in us and will be with us forever.

"Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

And so, grace, mercy and peace from God the Father and from Jesus Christ, the Father's Son, will be with us in truth and love.

Amen.

Sent from my iPhone

2012-01-03T21:12:00.001+08:00

I must add one more resolution this year.

To stop being so idealistic, and replace it with a grateful acceptance of today, just as it is.

No more ideologies of dreaming big - that was yesterday. But only let myself be led by God today for whatever lies tomorrow.

I don't want any more man-constructed dreams. I only want to follow the plans that God has for me.

Hmm. I'm writing this semi-emotionally. So ... yup.

Even the Purpose-Driven Life book was talking not about self-realization, or self-fulfillment, but simply about knowing God's plans for your life... and that's the best thing really.

:)

And this reminds me of what HH said last time, that he sensed God telling him he would fail in taking care of the CG, and yet in the end succeed. I think he failed in the sense of making us better men, and yet, helped draw our attention towards Jesus - and seeking Him, not just being a driven or a visionary person.

And so, in the end, he succeeded where he failed.

That's HH's story to the bros, and I haven't forgotten it.

:)

Maybe God will turn my sorrow into something too good to imagine.

I hope so.

Because I'm still feeling pathetic and less than useless. :)

Well, Father, that's how I feel. Pathetic, useless and perhaps eccentric, crazy, out of my mind and foolish.

So I am. And I don't disagree.

But I know You can use me as You please. If You can raise children out of stones for Abraham, I know You can use even someone as pathetic and lousy like me - all for Your glory.

*deep sigh again.*

1 Corinthians 4:13b
"... We have become the scum of the earth, the garbage of the world—right up to this moment."

Amen. I love that phrase. :) Scum of the earth.

And I shall wear that with - ironically, gladness, because I remember that was the same thing that the Duke of Wellington described the state of his troops just before they fought in one of history's most critical battles: "Our army is composed of the scum of the earth - the mere scum of the earth."

And their enemy? Napoleon. The battle? The Battle of Waterloo.

:) Scum I may be, but at least I'm Christ's scum. :) And in all these things, we are more than overcomers through Him who loved us.

Well, meeting Shenteng and Peiru this weekend. :) Wonder how it'll be.

2012-01-03T19:55:00.001+08:00

*deep sigh.*

Who am I?

So ... strange.

So ... unaware.

So ... never mind.

And down I go, again into that storm.

And again, I don't like myself. :/

I don't like my idealism. I don't like my strangeness. I don't like ... myself very much, indeed.

And yet You still love me. Even when I find it very hard to even like myself, let alone love myself. :/

I'm such a sinner, low and pathetic. Less than nothing. Yet You ... actually love someone like me?

Gosh. I find it so hard to believe.

Yet I believe it's true anyway.

*deep sigh.*

I guess I'm alive only because You love me and know the plans You have for me.

what am I, anyway, Lord? nothing but Yours.

come be my sunshine in the midst of my rain, and together we'll make rainbows, Lord. :')

Te Exaltare, O Dios Mi Rei

2012-01-03T02:17:00.001+08:00

I think one way to grow & express my trust in God more is by singing more worship songs from the heart to Him. To adore Him anew.

Then the praises will start flowing anew as my heart remembers the songs in the night, and who God truly is.

Not just a mind thing, but a heart thing as I remember who He is, and what He has done.

"My mouth will speak in praise of the LORD. Let every creature praise His holy name forever and ever."

Sent from my iPhone

2012-01-02T14:35:00.000+08:00

A thought on the post below:

Thank God for Hong Teck who encouraged me several times last year (and for other friends too), who told me that it's ok to be myself.

I think one reason I felt stressed many times in ministry was because I wanted to fit in with the rest of the ministry people in order to be considered as doing well. (The irony...)

But did God expect that of me? Nope. Love God and love your neighbor as myself. And the new commandment too: love one another, as Christ loved us.

No less - and no more. As the Scripture says, "Do not go beyond what is written."

:)

I guess I felt afraid of looking like a social pariah when going into large crowds. Had been taught that it was a bad thing, especially when people talk about how God changed them from shy people into outgoing people. Sometimes, yes... but at the heart of it, what God changed in them was not their shyness or introversion, but their inwards-lookingness.

One can be shy but outward-looking by being caring, gentle, considerate, compassionate, and so on, while another can be outgoing but self-centred and narcissistic. Bet you know people like the former and the latter.

But I'm glad to know more introverted people who are secure in their introversion - and are godly and thoughtful. Hong Teck's an introvert himself, but a very godly and patient bro, for instance.

I'm thankful too that Jan and Ellson told me last year that they've noticed that there's a quiet confidence in me increasingly. :) Thank You Jesus. I'm still growing - and God knows how much I have to grow, but there it is, like a shoot out of dry ground.

And perhaps the whole notion of intro- and extroversion is just a Jungian categorization to describe our innate tendencies - meant merely as an instrument to help us be more comfortable with our natural strengths and also as a means to more quickly identify what these strengths are.

Not as a label to stereotype and judge.

And people have used it both ways.

Ultimately, the whole thing is about being secure in Christ's exceeding love, and through that inner security, to be at peace, and thus able to look up - and out to others' interests and needs.

No longer to be accepted, but from your place of secured acceptance, reach out and embrace them unto the acceptance of the Father who loves us so much.

Grace and peace be ours through God the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Be Decisive About 2012

2012-01-02T14:17:00.001+08:00

From A Place for the God-Hungry:

I am thinking about my life in 2012.

Have you given any thought regarding the upcoming year? Have you thought about the kind of person you want to be?

A few suggestions:

Live as one who is blessed by God with the abundant riches that have been given in Christ. In fact, he has lavished his spiritual blessings on you.
Live out of your abundance in Jesus instead of your perception of scarcity. Such a perspective will lessen the temptation to think that “if only” something could happen your life would be grand.
Cease any unnecessary hesitation or procrastination. Some things need to be done or said now.
Make the most of what time you have on this earth. Make the most of your time when you are with people. Be with them.
Be deliberate. No one can do everything. Be intentional about your time. Aimlessly killing two hours surfing the Internet means you are saying “no” to other things.

Consider what you might do if you had just one more year to live.

I think I would express my love to my wife and children more often.
I would say “no” to some things in my life that do not really contribute to who I am as a person but are taking away time.
I would like to think that I would savor each day.
I would deepen my prayer life along with the other spiritual disciplines as I get ready to be with the Lord.
I would conserve my energy and passion for things that matter. Why get bent out of shape over things that really don’t matter?
I wonder if my preaching/teaching would be different? Would knowing that the end is near impact these messages? Would I speak and live with more passion, boldness, and authenticity?
I would like to think that I would communicate my love and affection for other family members and special friends.
I would probably have an increasing clarity about what is really important in life.
Many of us tend to rock along as if we had all the time in the world to live. Maybe it’s time to give this some thought and prayer.

Question:

What is one intentional, decisive step that you plan to take in 2012?

Just wanted to record this down before I forget.

2012-01-02T04:42:00.000+08:00

Just wanted to record this down before I forget.

Thank God. For all the words today. From Kelvin, about growing in my security in God, and letting go of circumstances. For the sermon about God knowing best. And the answer to my inadequacy: "FOR I AM WITH YOU". Not "BECAUSE YOU ARE OK WHAT," or "BECAUSE YOU ARE DOING WELL."

And the meetups with Shunrong, Hiskandar and Huanyan. Whether Christian or nom-Christians, God sent me a consistent word: "One step at a time. Stay committed, even if you are unsure."

:) 2012. You are with me. And that's all that matters. Letting go of the past, and pressing on to take hold of what Christ took hold for me.

Sent from my iPhone

2012-01-01T03:02:00.000+08:00

New Year. :) So good to catch up with my old LG from Young Adults ministry. :)

We played Dominion. Then after that, had an impromptu sharing with Zhenzhong and Peifang. They asked me how Hopekids was.

As I shared with them, I was refreshed and reminded how God has grown me over the past two years, especially in my understanding of ministry. :)

Good things, indeed. :) Testimony too.

Now very tired. And to be honest, sad again, because I saw the names of two friends whom there were misunderstandings with, and one said I was judgemental, while the other said I was putting him down.

They are fellow leaders, yet... sometimes it leaves a sour feeling to see this kind of superiority - "you are 100% wrong and I am 100% right."

That kind, a bit hard to swallow. We stand in the same shit together, dear friends, in case you're not aware. :) So let's help carry one another's burdens, and stop this mud-slinging of self-righteousness.

But I sense one friend is genuinely good, though he needs to grow in patience and understanding. But the other, I sense ... a mixture of things. A lot of things.

But what to do? Gift of prophecy means nothing unless love is there.

Still, keep moving on. Let them be. But as for me... God knows my conscience is clear, I have accounted to my leaders (including Kelvin) and my covenant buddy, and trusted LG people, confessing what I did wrong - and receiving grace from them. My conscience is so clear, that I know I can call God as my witness to testify for me.

Now that's something daring, I know, but God knows all and sees all.

But I wish it wasn't like that. :(

Still, so much grace overflowing like honey, healing the painful wounds caused by ungrace.

But what about me? Am I passing this grace on to others? Will I be judgemental, or will I be merciful?

God, lead me on in Thy mercy, for mercy triumphs over judgement.

"Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy."

Now facing 2012, depressed but hopeful. Break of day in the trenches, as we look over the Promised Land.

And as I rely on my God.

And thank God for true spiritual comrades.

Let the dead bury their dead, but we go proclaim the kingdom of God.

And that's why I must be even more flinty-faced as I narrow down my relationships - to focus on fellowshipping with those who love the Lord - not in terms of titles or achievements or even similar personalities, but simply out of a common love for the Lord.

Of course, love my neighbour as myself still applies, but bad company corrupts good character. So I shall make it a point to walk with the (genuinely) wise - not worldly-wise, but Godly-wise. Not appearances, but hearts after God's own heart first and foremost.

Hand to the plow now, no looking back. Let the dead bury their dead, but we go proclaim the kingdom of God. Let them talk all they like, and critique, but wisdom is proved right by her actions.

Onwards! No looking back now!

Opportunities to Minister

2011-12-31T19:13:00.000+08:00

I think there are many opportunities to minister. It's just whether I want to open my eyes to consider them - or chuck them aside.

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The Tension of the Christ

2011-12-31T15:51:00.000+08:00

Tension.

But deeply grateful for Weizhu's prayer for me again. Told him I felt terrible about taxing him so much. But he simply said, "You would do the same for me too."

:)

Loyalty.

Hmm. Tension. This year has been very strange for me. I felt like deserting, yet I felt God calling me boldly ahead and I went charging again and again.

The trouble is, He has not let me get overwhelmed. He gives me just enough strength to last one day at a time. I know this is God's will. But I did wish at times that I could just snap and break and run away.

But God cares too much for me. He strengthens me with just enough to overcome.

And this is so troublesome for me. I have no excuse to flee. No excuse, for His grace is sufficient for me.

Yet I feel so bold at the same time. So courageous, so cowardly.

So confident that God has called me, yet so afraid and insecure whether this is indeed the path He has called me to.

I can't see Him already - it's too dark and I can't see even the next step I will take, yet I hear His voice, strong and clear - burning like fire.

I say, like Jeremiah, I will not speak His words anymore... yet I can't stop! I feel His words burning like fire in my heart and bones.

What can I do?

I dread being in large crowds, yet I love meeting many people, one-on-one. I feel drained, yet refreshed.

As weak as a bulb, yet as strong as a laser.

So positive, yet so negative.

A man of contrasts.

However, going through all these experiences has helped me understand the mystery of the called life.

2 Cor 4
7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10 We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11 For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. 12 So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

And not just that, a deeper identification with the sufferings of Christ.

For Christ, I think, experienced the greatest internal tension possible: He was simultaneously 100% man, 100% God. He knew the agony not of helplessness, but of having incredible authority and power, yet laying it all down to surrender.

Yes, He could have easily called down 12 legions of angels, yet He said, "But how would the Scriptures be fulfilled this way?" And so He marched on towards the cross to die as a man.

Fig-ure This Out

2011-12-31T13:14:00.001+08:00

Jeremiah 24
1 After Jehoiachin son of Jehoiakim king of Judah and the officials, the skilled workers and the artisans of Judah were carried into exile from Jerusalem to Babylon by Nebuchadnezzar king of Babylon, the LORD showed me two baskets of figs placed in front of the temple of the LORD. 2 One basket had very good figs, like those that ripen early; the other basket had very bad figs, so bad they could not be eaten.
3 Then the LORD asked me, “What do you see, Jeremiah?”

“Figs,” I answered. “The good ones are very good, but the bad ones are so bad they cannot be eaten.”

4 Then the word of the LORD came to me: 5 “This is what the LORD, the God of Israel, says: ‘Like these good figs, I regard as good the exiles from Judah, whom I sent away from this place to the land of the Babylonians. 6 My eyes will watch over them for their good, and I will bring them back to this land. I will build them up and not tear them down; I will plant them and not uproot them. 7 I will give them a heart to know me, that I am the LORD. They will be my people, and I will be their God, for they will return to me with all their heart.

8 “‘But like the bad figs, which are so bad they cannot be eaten,’ says the LORD, ‘so will I deal with Zedekiah king of Judah, his officials and the survivors from Jerusalem, whether they remain in this land or live in Egypt. 9 I will make them abhorrent and an offense to all the kingdoms of the earth, a reproach and a byword, a curse and an object of ridicule, wherever I banish them. 10 I will send the sword, famine and plague against them until they are destroyed from the land I gave to them and their ancestors.’”

Perhaps, when God exiles you to an unpleasant and strange new land, it is for your good, for your discipline, and He will watch over you for your good.

But woe to those whom God lets them go their own way. He says to them, "All right, THY will be done." And He hands them over to the works of their own hands. "They are blind guides; let them be." If even God Himself gives up on you... GG.

Romans 1
28 Furthermore, just as they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, so God gave them over to a depraved mind, so that they do what ought not to be done. 29 They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, 30 slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; 31 they have no understanding, no fidelity, no love, no mercy. 32 Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.

The safest place is not the place of security, but the place of surrender. Perhaps this may be an important word for us all in 2012?

Another thought too: an insight on how God spoke to Jeremiah. Sometimes God gets your attention through seeing physical objects in the right place and at the right time?

Burning Words

2011-12-31T13:06:00.001+08:00

Jeremiah 23
9 Concerning the prophets:
My heart is broken within me;
all my bones tremble.
I am like a drunken man,
like a strong man overcome by wine,
because of the LORD
and his holy words.
10 The land is full of adulterers;
because of the curse[b] the land lies parched
and the pastures in the wilderness are withered.
The prophets follow an evil course
and use their power unjustly.

11 “Both prophet and priest are godless;
even in my temple I find their wickedness,”
declares the LORD.
12 “Therefore their path will become slippery;
they will be banished to darkness
and there they will fall.
I will bring disaster on them
in the year they are punished,”
declares the LORD.

13 “Among the prophets of Samaria
I saw this repulsive thing:
They prophesied by Baal
and led my people Israel astray.
14 And among the prophets of Jerusalem
I have seen something horrible:
They commit adultery and live a lie.
They strengthen the hands of evildoers,
so that not one of them turns from their wickedness.
They are all like Sodom to me;
the people of Jerusalem are like Gomorrah.”

15 Therefore this is what the LORD Almighty says concerning the prophets:

“I will make them eat bitter food
and drink poisoned water,
because from the prophets of Jerusalem
ungodliness has spread throughout the land.”

16 This is what the LORD Almighty says:

“Do not listen to what the prophets are prophesying to you;
they fill you with false hopes.
They speak visions from their own minds,
not from the mouth of the LORD.
17 They keep saying to those who despise me,
‘The LORD says: You will have peace.’
And to all who follow the stubbornness of their hearts
they say, ‘No harm will come to you.’
18 But which of them has stood in the council of the LORD
to see or to hear his word?
Who has listened and heard his word?
19 See, the storm of the LORD
will burst out in wrath,
a whirlwind swirling down
on the heads of the wicked.
20 The anger of the LORD will not turn back
until he fully accomplishes
the purposes of his heart.
In days to come
you will understand it clearly.
21 I did not send these prophets,
yet they have run with their message;
I did not speak to them,
yet they have prophesied.
22 But if they had stood in my council,
they would have proclaimed my words to my people
and would have turned them from their evil ways
and from their evil deeds.

23 “Am I only a God nearby,”
declares the LORD,
“and not a God far away?
24 Who can hide in secret places
so that I cannot see them?”
declares the LORD.
“Do not I fill heaven and earth?”
declares the LORD.

25 “I have heard what the prophets say who prophesy lies in my name. They say, ‘I had a dream! I had a dream!’ 26 How long will this continue in the hearts of these lying prophets, who prophesy the delusions of their own minds? 27 They think the dreams they tell one another will make my people forget my name, just as their ancestors forgot my name through Baal worship. 28 Let the prophet who has a dream recount the dream, but let the one who has my word speak it faithfully. For what has straw to do with grain?” declares the LORD. 29 “Is not my word like fire,” declares the LORD, “and like a hammer that breaks a rock in pieces?

30 “Therefore,” declares the LORD, “I am against the prophets who steal from one another words supposedly from me. 31 Yes,” declares the LORD, “I am against the prophets who wag their own tongues and yet declare, ‘The LORD declares.’ 32 Indeed, I am against those who prophesy false dreams,” declares the LORD. “They tell them and lead my people astray with their reckless lies, yet I did not send or appoint them. They do not benefit these people in the least,” declares the LORD.

"I did not send these prophets,
yet they have run with their message;
I did not speak to them,
yet they have prophesied.

But if they had stood in my council,
they would have proclaimed my words to my people
and would have turned them from their evil ways
and from their evil deeds."

Word for me, reminder. To stand in the council of the LORD, that I may hear His words and prophesy as He commands. And to find courage from knowing the certainty of the truth. Scared. For so many things to come, Lord.

2011-12-31T02:52:00.000+08:00

This is getting from bad to worse. Should I seek help?

Onwards to 2012

2011-12-31T00:33:00.001+08:00

Prayed just now. Felt so unsettled about all the events in 2011. Heart grateful but also despondent. Yet I have seen Your power and glory. I remember all Your miracles and signs and wonders that You have done.

Yet there are still so many uncertainties and heartbreaks and disappointments that I dare not hope for anything much anymore. I can only trust You for tomorrow, and fix my eyes on what You have already put into my heart.

Tears overcame me. I felt so overwhelmed by all the uncertainty,

I know that 2012 is the year of focus. And pruning.you prune every branch in me that bears no fruit, so that I will become even more fruitful.

2009 was the year of consecration.
2010 and 2011... years of refining and clarifying the vision.
But 2012 - the year of focus, because everything is being pruned, even my relationships. And shall I say, the year I launch? Like a rocket flying to the stars. :) Coordinates have been set already... now it's take-off time.

I seem to have lost most of my songs this year. Only a few familiar songs that I sang. Even Christmas carols... I barely sang, except the familiar few, and even then not very much.

When will these songs return to my heart? Or that You would replace them with new songs? As is written, "He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God."

Yet I have seen Your power to provide. You showed Your glory. I know that one of my testimonies made a friend cry, because of Your sheer goodness. I have seen Your grace and power for the tuition campaign. And I have seen how You used me to bless Gab. And now, to bless CH and his mum.

You are so great, O God. Who is there like You?

You have provided wonderfully and exactly. Even my monthly salary is a testimony to Your goodness and mercy. $300 more than what Weizhu and I asked for. We know that the money all belongs to You.

Thank You for the new friendships formed this year. For the friendship that I pronounced dead and gone - You graciously brought it back to life. For Dean and Tee too - their hearts for missions is so refreshing, and a great encouragement to me. Thank You for providing me with the fellowship from other bros from other churches when the fellowship I am in was not enough to support the vision that You put into my heart.

Thank You for my shepherd too. :) For his grace and wisdom, and cheerfulness too. I really appreciate him very much. For the brotherly chats over good food too. And the tough love too as well - the holy "kicks" that I need.

And for Weizhu's comradeship. Thank You Father for this Jonathan, this faithful covenant brother. You know how much he has helped me in so many ways. Remember him and his household with everlasting favor and kindness, and grace and mercy too. Amen.

Thank You for the prophecies that I received this year, confirming the gifting that You gave me, and the calling and the direction.

Though this year has been a roller-coaster year, I know You are teaching me to find my peace in You. Peace You leave with me, Your peace You give me. You do not give to me as the world gives. So I shall not let my heart be troubled, nor let it be afraid.

Grace and peace.

Ten years. The rest of my life has begun. My resolution this year will be for the rest of my life: tell the story of Jesus to children from every part of the world. But in Ms Denise's words: "Wherever God calls me to, I must go."

Even my relationships are being pruned. And my career options. And finances. The branches that do not bear fruit, He removes, so that the remaining branches will become even more fruitful. To sharpen me by removing all the unwanted material away till I am a pointed sword.

Wherever God calls me to, I must go. Even if it means death. Because I know that He is the resurrection and the life.

Onwards to 2012. Get my game face on. It's always going to be uncertain, but that is the rule of the battlefield. But victory has been won already, by the blood of the Lamb... and the words of our testimony. And not to rest, till the gospel is preached to every nation, tribe, people and language. Amen!

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For He Knows The Plans

2011-12-29T19:44:00.001+08:00

And life seems to be taking another interesting twist. I plan to meet my team leader tomorrow to ask her advice on some work stuff. :)

Lots of challenges. And so many uncertainties.

Yet even when it's hard to make concrete plans - and even then, as I've been finding out, these projected plans have to keep on being changed - I'm comforted by the promise that God knows the plans He has for me.

Even if I don't know what plans. Or even how to make any concrete plans for even the next 1 year. The best I can currently do now is 6 months ahead.

Man. I guess I'm becoming a nomad already.

Hmm.

But one good thing is that I'm learning to read the signs of the times. Like, being able to sense when a new ministry opportunity opens up, when a door opens or closes, when to dig in, advance or retreat.

Sorta like a sailor reading the winds and steering his ship as needed.

I think the most important thing first and foremost is to be clear where GOD wants me to go next, or to stay. If possible, I try my best to explain the rational benefits of the next move to my friends and family, but if I can't convince them, it's ok. Just go.

Often, friends and family will ask you, "Where will you go next?" But sometimes you can't answer that, as much as you'd love to. "Only God knows," isn't the most reassuring answer to hear.

But you can take heart from this: "By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going." (Hebrews 11:8 NIV)

I know Father is also pruning me too during this time. Not just cutting, but cutting to bring out more fruit. To remove whatever weaknesses hinder the strengths He has given me. Ah. Humility and focus.

I don't know all the plans He has for me. But He knows the plans He has for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future.

And for you too.

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Baby Talk

2011-12-27T17:59:00.000+08:00

Yay. Can't wait to chill out tml... Plan to read my Spanish Bible tml over coffee tml afternoon. Hopefully can finish the book of Matthew tml.

Learnt 7 new Chinese words yesterday too. 我的头，我的身体，我的脸，耳朵，眼睛，手，腿，脚... Felt like a little child again, learning these basic words from scratch. But good to humble myself and become like a little child. Even CH, the two years old child, was trying to teach me too! :) So adorable.

And daijoubu, hajimashite, domo itachmashite... arigatou...

Very basic. But a pleasure to learn more languages for missions.

I think in the same way, we learn to speak a new language - expressing spiritual truths in spiritual words - when we are born again through believing in Christ. We initially fumble haltingly through our words, but with patient guidance and feeling the nuances of different expressions, we slowly elide from baby talk to halting speech to gracious words to the song of the redeemed. And someone yet to be born again hears the song, comes over to listen, and is thus captivated in turn: "Amazing grace, how sweet the sound..."

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:(

2011-12-27T14:55:00.000+08:00

Just feeling frustrated. I know my weakness in ministry and work.

Really must be more disciplined. To provide updates. God, why am I like this? As in why is it that my best kind of career is such an infeasible job in Singapore? Why couldn't I be something else... a general multitasker... Instead I have to fit into a template, a mold... All just to survive and even serve?

So frustrating. But suffering is normal.

Well, see how things unfold. Just do my best, and then see whether my contract gets renewed.

Looks like I must not expect a stable income in the long run. I know what You made me to be, and I've found my niche areas...

Just whack lah. :/ Frustrated that I am not someone else. Sometimes I am very tempted to blame You and ask, "Why did You make me like this?"

But who am I to talk back to God? :/

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Musings

2011-12-27T14:42:00.000+08:00

- Regular communications update needed with rest of teammates
- To faster fit into the ET mindset and culture of working

Lord, this is very difficult for me. Realized I'm not strong in team work but much more effective in solo ops. My creativity is not an asset in this line of work.

I think I should go back and work solo again. It's much more satisfying to do videos and writing and other creative work.

I just want to perform well in the strengths God gave me, instead of wasting so much energy and effort having to conform.

Teamwork can be such a chore...

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A Fountain of Tears

2011-12-27T08:30:00.000+08:00

Funny how my Bible reading brings me to this passage today. Expressing the inexpressible.

But peace to know that God wants to do His refining work in us.

--------
Oh, that my head were a spring of water
and my eyes a fountain of tears!
I would weep day and night
for the slain of my people.

Oh, that I had in the desert
a lodging place for travelers,
so that I might leave my people
and go away from them;
for they are all adulterers,
a crowd of unfaithful people.

"They make ready their tongue
like a bow, to shoot lies;
it is not by truth
that they triumph in the land.
They go from one sin to another;
they do not acknowledge me,"
declares the Lord.

"Beware of your friends;
do not trust anyone in your clan.
For every one of them is a deceiver,
and every friend a slanderer.

Friend deceives friend,
and no one speaks the truth.
They have taught their tongues to lie;
they weary themselves with sinning.

You live in the midst of deception;
in their deceit they refuse to acknowledge me,"
declares the Lord.

Therefore this is what the Lord Almighty says:
"See, I will refine and test them,
for what else can I do
because of the sin of my people?

Their tongue is a deadly arrow;
it speaks deceitfully.
With their mouths they all speak cordially to their neighbors,
but in their hearts they set traps for them.

Should I not punish them for this?"
declares the Lord.
"Should I not avenge myself
on such a nation as this?"
(Jeremiah 9:1-9 NIV)

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Blackness.

2011-12-27T08:23:00.000+08:00

But there You are, Lord, even when nothing else has meaning.

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Bewildered By Mercy?

2011-12-27T02:28:00.000+08:00

"watching A Thousand Kisses now. seriously can't comprehend how a wife can forgive the husband for cheating on her. can hardly scratch the surface of understanding how the Hope sister did it. bewildering."

Friend, if only you could comprehend how horrible even the tiniest sin appears to a holy God. If only you could understand the fallenness of every human being - so prone to evil that God did have to literally flush almost the entire human race down the loo.

If only you and I could comprehend the vast love and forgiveness of Jesus the Saviour... how He could turn a warlord who murdered 20,000 people into a pastor... how He could turn a hardened gang lord into a blubbering sinner begging God on His knees for forgiveness, tears streaming down his cheeks...

If only we could understand God's grace, like that sinful woman who wept at Jesus' feet.

If only we stopped believing in the myth of the "innate goodness" of humanity and thinking "they ought to know better", then we could begin to understand what Christ meant when He pled for us: "Father, forgive them for they know not what they are doing."

If only you understood the Fall of Man, and the staggering depth of our Redemption - that the eternal God should even stoop to have a birthday and a day of death.

That's why I was not shocked when a friend told me about his/her father having an affair. Why should one be shocked at human depravity, especially if he/she is not saved? I'm shocked rather that the friend didn't understand the depths to which a human can fall to - so great is our rebellion.

If only we could know the horror that must have crossed the remaining two-third of the angels as they witnessed the first man and woman take that tiny little bite. And God knew all the horrors and devastations that would mushroom from that single fatal bite. He saw all of human history unfolded at that very bite - all of the wars, famines, genocides, rapes, feuds, and so on contained in one single act of disobedience.

Do you understand the depth of God's forgiveness for you betraying Him personally? I'm trying to, every day. I betrayed Him so many times, yet He welcomed me back, the prodigal son.

Friend, away with our self-righteousness. So closely did He identify with our humanity in all its fallenness, that God made Him who knew no sin to BE sin for us, that we might BECOME the righteousness of God.

One day, friend, you and I shall understand a little more when we stand before the Lamb seated on the throne. Till then, forgiveness comes from not our human strength but by remembering how much strength it took the Father to forgive us our sins.

I still struggle to forgive, many times. But it helps to look at the cross.

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He Sees Me As Blameless

2011-12-27T01:17:00.000+08:00

"If we walk in the light, as He is in the light the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanseth us from all sin. 1 John 1:7

To mistake conscious freedom from sin for deliverance from sin by the Atonement is a great error. No man knows what sin is until he is born again. Sin is what Jesus Christ faced on Calvary. The evidence that I am delivered from sin is that I know the real nature of sin in me. It takes the last reach of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, that is, the impartation of His absolute perfection, to make a man know what sin is.

...

If I walk in the light as God is in the light, not in the light of my conscience, but in the light of God - if I walk there, with nothing folded up, then there comes the amazing revelation, the blood of Jesus Christ cleanses me from all sin so that God Almighty can see nothing to censure in me. In my consciousness it works with a keen poignant knowledge of what sin is. The love of God at work in me makes me hate with the hatred of the Holy Ghost all that is not in keeping with God's holiness. To walk in the light means that everything that is of the darkness drives me closer into the centre of the light." - Oswald Chambers

I think that explains why God has done such wonderful things for me in spite... or is it BECAUSE I am aware of the fact that I have sinned against Him, that I am aware of the deceitful was and the ever-present threat of sin creeping into my life?

And the extent of my freedom is limited only by how much I understand in my heart through the Holy Spirit the blamelessness I have in Christ.

Not the flickering light of my conscience, but the blazing searchlight of His Word and the guiding presence of His Spirit, to lead my faltering steps.

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Fellowship of the Spring

2011-12-27T00:41:00.000+08:00

Grateful for the dear bros and sisters in OMF. It's a big morale boost to mix with missions-minded believers from other churches. Realized how much we have in common, in our love for Jesus, and the crazy nonsense we can have.

Deeply inspired by them. Interestingly, if I take a step back, perhaps the feeling of being left out is a kind of indicator. As Shuyi astutely pointed out, it's not a matter of meeting up to a group's "standards" as it is a matter of frequencies and like-mindedness. Wise!

That as I sense an increasing sense of set-apartedness, aloneness sets in. Didn't I learn anything from the testimonies of some bros and sisters recently, whether in Hope or from other churches, about their desire to respond to God's call?

Has not God been clearly working in and through my life? Not many can identify, but that is the price of allowing God to set one apart. For many are called, but few are chosen.

Recently, I noticed there is another bro who also has the gift of prophecy. When I read his FB updates and his blog, I can identify with the heart behind his messages and insights. They're the same too - calling people to give themselves wholeheartedly to the Lord, and a distressed heart when His perfect love and grace are taken for granted.

Same Lord.

So many things. God is working. But yes, fellowship. Missions. Children. Not easy. But at least I have another fellowship to lean on for encouragement regarding missions.

And of course, spiritual buddies from other LGs like HY to pray together and encourage one another regarding giving our all to Jesus.

Sometimes I wonder if our system of LG in church needs a LOT of tweaking. How come we need to keep meeting up with other people from other LGs to get the spiritual input we need that we don't receive from our own LGs? A bit the funny leh.

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The Second Tuition Campaign

2011-12-27T00:27:00.001+08:00

You remember that sad poem I wrote about God being able?

Touchingly the sign came along while I was on my way to meet CH and his mum. She taught me some very basic Chinese words and corrected my pronunciation. An excellent teacher - she taught me how to say 'd' and 't' correctly.

Then it was my turn to teach CH. Two and a half years old. Very mischievous but also very heartwarmingly cute.

Amazing. I'm now learning three languages in one go: Spanish, Chinese and Japanese. God qualifies the called.

CH was very boisterous, jumping here and there. Could see his mum angry with him, yet very soft-hearted towards him. She asked my advice on how to be firmer with CH. Advised her to do so-and-so, and the key rule being consistency.

And as CH's mum drove me back to the MRT, she shared with me about the difficulties in raising her boys up. Told her she's doing a good job so far. (Her eldest son is serving as a CL in church. Serious and mature.) But she said her weakness is that she's too soft towards them. She knows CH is very young, so must mold him well before he gets set in his ways. Her husband is not able to be home very often as he is working in another country, so things are more challenging.

And just now, she messaged me thanking me for coming, and invited me to have dinner with them the next time I came.

Grateful to God for using me.

Grateful that God helped me grow in the art of disciplining boisterous boys.

Grateful for yet another ministry opportunity. Wonder what will unfold next.

Marvelous that God would use me so wonderfully, even though I feel so painfully inadequate to the point of despair almost every day. My life is such a strange contrast. I feel very downcast so many times, yet He gives me hope so many times.

So many blessings in 2011. I would take hours to write them down.

The Lord is really good to all who hope in Him.

And I think He's subverting everything I had learnt about "doing" ministry in church. Maybe that's why I felt so lost, because I kept thinking I need to conform to the ministry culture in church.

But thank God for wise men like Hong Teck and Kelvin. They are radical in their understanding and their experiences of God's grace. Heh. Good to see God having done spring cleaning in my church already and removing the dross.

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Did I Sin?

2011-12-26T23:31:00.001+08:00

Just a thought here. Maybe I feel guilty because I think that if I don't fit into a particular group, it's because I've done something wrong. That I've sinned - and therefore should be shunned.

Did I sin? Still so hard to tell. That when I don't match up...

How little I know my Bible.

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"GOD IS ABLE."

2011-12-26T22:22:00.000+08:00

You are my song in the night
As I walk by faith and not by sight
The blackness looms ahead

But at that very moment, when I had written the above line,
I looked out the bus window
And saw a sign:

A banner outside a church
Big and bold, Impact font upsized
Pronouncing these words:
GOD IS ABLE.

God is able.
Even in my despair and weakest moments
Plagued by doubts and fears
Wondering whether I am to blame
And wondering whose fault it was
If any.

Told by some that I am sinning
Yet told by others that my heart and substance are right
Who shall I believe?
Yet my conscience is clear
But my heart troubled.

Yet I brazenly call on God to be my witness
So clear is my conscience
Even though I know I am on the verge of challenging God
Jobsian faith speaking with desperate clarity

For I know He will hear
And I know that He will answer
And even now He challenges me:
I AM ABLE. Do you believe I care?

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Mud Again

2011-12-26T19:31:00.000+08:00

It's hard to give, when you haven't received.

But stop thinking, YA. Even if others rightfully owe you the initiative, forgive them their debts. Show them Christlikeness even if they practice ungrace and believe in it. Let God deal with them - it is His to repay, not you. That is what forgiveness means - forgiving them into the Judge's hands. Let go, YA, and show them what mercy means, so that their consciences will be heaped with burning coals. Is it not written so?

Trust God. He will judge justly, and much wiser and more mercifully. For He can utterly destroy your worst enemies... by turning them into your best friends.

That is God's redemptive power. Do you believe it?

Don't just do the right thing, dear YA. Do the God thing. For the Son of God became a man, that we might become sons of God.

Meanwhile, stay focused. You know you are doing God's will even if your peers in church are just doing what pleases themselves. But you know that the leaders whom God has appointed over you have encouraged and affirmed your heart even when you doubted yourself deeply. You know what the Lord has done. You know that if God is for you, who can be against you? You have already been given authority.

And now, the word for you:

All the nations may walk in the name of their gods, (even the deceived believers following the false Christs) but we will walk in the name of the LORD forever.

Sigh. Help me Lord Jesus know who You truly are, not what I think You are. To do Your will, not what I think Your will is.

Amen.

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Focus, Focus, Focus.

2011-12-26T01:35:00.001+08:00

I feel that familiar tremor in my soul coming back again.

But what the hell. Just dig in and defend. And when the night is over, and a new day dawns, sally forth yet once again to do battle in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Thanks Kelvin and WZ for praying faithfully for me in the mornings during my past few days of depression in the morning. They make a HUGE difference, seriously. I don't know how long this dark night of the soul will be, but thanks for always being there to pray for me each new day.

Your reward is in heaven, dear brothers.

Strength To Carry On

2011-12-26T00:58:00.001+08:00

Seen in yesterday's ST special report, pg 16:

Because of Mr Liu's medical condition, he is still in pain and unable to sit or stand for long periods, but he does not blame God.

"I am born into a world of sin so suffering is normal. But the birth of Jesus Christ on Christmas to save sinners like me gives me strength to carry on," he said.

So theologically profound and wise. Humbled and reminded that we "more sophisticated" believers can learn so much from this humble Chinese bro.

And deeply encouraged. What he says is so true. That suffering in life is normal, but God is there with us in the person of Jesus Christ. God has not abandoned us, and is so close to us in our sufferings.

God with us, so close to us. :)

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